General

If anyone needs to talk leave a comment with your email or number if you live in australia.

Dont know if you remember me or not. But after posting the next day i went to a mental hospital (not by my own choice).

I went and 2 weeks later im back on meds and feeling better. Im glad I went now.

The urges to cut havent gone away. My stressors are still here. Hopefully i can stay strong and not do it, hopefully.

okay this goes out to all the people that need help;
i think i could help you if you just read this;

My name is Ali Eastman and i have some people in my life that i realy cair about and want to help
if you thik that no one cairs about you people do ;
think about your family ; friends; boyfriends ;girlfriends ; me think of you .
yeah i might not know you but i still cair ..
all im trying to say that there is no need to hurt your self over
think about how much you love your self yeah love […]

You told me it will get better
but its not getting better
you tell me to just try harder
but that’s all I’ve been doing my whole life
trying and trying and trying
but I’ve messed up so bad now
and you want me to fix it all at once
you tell me to work through the pain
work through the hurt
work through the tears
and work through the unwanted thoughts
You tell me that I can trust you
and that I don’t have to pretend with you
the way I pretend with everybody else
But you put the same pressure on me
the […]

As a 27 year old, I have to say this to all the middle-schoolers and teenagers on this site, DON’T DO IT. SERIOUSLY. And this may sound completely hypocritical, but speaking as someone who as early as 11 years old could only get through the day by fantasizing about suicide, some of the best times of my life were in college and afterward. Basically, to all you middle and high-schoolers, know that IT CAN GET BETTER. In 10 years you probably won’t know or remember the names of the people who’re currently making your life hell. There is hope. And although I am pro-suicide, I […]

I got a part in this play called life
I never even auditioned
No one asked me if I wanted the role
but its mine to make of it what I will

I just smile when they tell me to
speak the words I quietly rehearsed in my mind
laugh at the jokes that are made
and pause at the appropriate time

And as I stand here on the stage
looking out at the blank faces in the audience
I repeatedly pray for the curtain to fall
So I can be done with this wretched play called life

We as human, call it wishes that came true, when it’s really coincidence.

Why can’t I cry?

Am I sick?

Probably, what will doctors say?

Depression? Ha! I wish.

What is pain for you? Do you feel the same as I do?

Is it some pressure on your head when your neck and shoulder are tensed up, when you can’t cry anymore because nobody cares, or is it because people are so selfish they won’t help others?

Is it that feeling that breaks you completely until you are on the floor with your head in your hands, smoothing the pain in your temples? Or could it possibly be the one that is […]

That’sl all I have to say.

I don’t think I told you what else happened today…oh well:/

Ok, I need to let some steam off.
I’m new to this.
I’ve only ever told my best friend any of this & I thought.. maybe it would be easier to tell strangers who can’t directly judge me?
I really need help, I’m 17 years old and all I have to show for my self is a few Gcse’s and mutilated arms. I have nothing going for me, all  I do is cut myself & want to die. I actually don’t want to die though, I just need someone to listen to me and tell how to get help. It’s so embarrassing asking for help […]

Apparently it does. My theory has been that depression is actually caused by dehydration. So if your body has a lack of water it’ll start draining water from it’s own cells,  eating itself up to sustain itself hence all the pain.  I just keep observing that depression seems to have no psychological cause!  Today i experienced severe depression yet again for no apparent reason. Then it dawned upon me that i had drunken only base-level amounts of water over the last couple of days and ate little. So i decided to rehydrate myself again and after about 1 liter the felt depression was down about […]

I play the violin
the blade as my bow
my wrists hold the strings
I glide the bow back and forth
and make a melody that only I can hear
sometimes its slow and soft
a soothing lullaby
sometimes a shrill and piercing howl
a lament resembling my soul
and its echo persists like the last of my fading scars

So I was at the libaray with my sister and christal.
Christal gets a text from daniel her bf.
she turns around.
There he is.
So I just sut there while they kiss and hold hands.
she made me stay and be torchered.
Its like fifty knives and over fifty billion bullets in my chest to watch her with him.
I wanted to go cry so bad.
I couldnt….she wouldn’t let me leave:/

The hardest part is when you realize that you never were as good as you thought you were. You thought you took the high road and that it would pay off in the end. Now you realize that it wasn’t right and that you won’t get rewarded. Instead you just made it up. You came up with this notion that you were better than everyone else, and that it would all work out. My life as of now is in shambles. I was given everything one could ask for, and I wasted it all. I’m still blessed, but […]

Hello how are you today?
I’m fine thanks
I’m lying I am not fine
I’m dying on the inside

I would tell them but they won’t understand
They will tell a story of a time when they felt sad
Its not the same.
I don’t just feel sad sometimes
I am sad
all the time
thats the only thing I am

Oh you just need a distraction
Just keep your mind off of those things
I tried
I tried friends and family
I tried alcohol, weed, LSD, cocaine, ecstasy, opium, shrooms, vicodin, tramadol, elavil, xanax, paxil…
what haven’t I tried
I’ve tried to make my mind believe […]

“You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”
– Morpheus (The Matrix)

well….i guess im not going to kill myself. iv made promises to a few people to not go through with it. so that means im stuck with all of my problems for the rest of my life. sure there may be a cure for depression in the future, but psychosis…thats a different story. my hallucinations have gotten so disturbing and fucked up. i just run to my room and cry almost every time i see or hear something. if i dont run to my room, i just breakdown on the spot. the most recent thing i saw was a shadow figure holding a kinfe….just watching […]

A good example for good people, living good lives but not wanting to live in this place…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqCYK_w8AAA

It’s been two years i’ve been experiencing real depression. I’ve had daddy issues since i can remember. my dad was an emotionally unstable, alcoholic. He was a depressed, bi-ploar-maniac. He would get so hammered and beat the shit out of my brother and my mom all the time (me as well, but i’d say they definitely got it the worst)… As a kid and having such a naive perspective of the world i never really looked at his behavior as a slowly worsening mental condition. I was under the impression he chose to drink and be a crazy fucking lunatic. Little did i know he […]

I’m currently in bed laying down with a long scarf wrapped around my kneck in the most tightest way so I can cut off blood circulation to my brain and be dead and fall asleep and hopefully not wake up from this ever. The method is called the ‘choking game’ and is legit research it if you want y’all. It’s a little discomforting but hey it’s obvious none of us has a way of ending it so this the next best thing for me. I already feel like I’m losing it a little cause my face is really red and their is veins showing in […]