General

there i was standing on the bridge thinking of all the what ifs. what about. what if i jump? what i succeed? what if i dont? what about my grampy? what about my cats? will anyone stop? will i hear sirens any minute? and then i felt it. this hand on my shoulder. i turned around dazed and confused. there was this girl standing there. “are you ok” she asked me. “im fine. just looking at the water” i tried to tell her. but i couldnt. i started crying instead. i hugged her and said thank you. she asked what was wrong and i told […]

It’s my own fault for getting into this situation.  I’m too connected to a friend, I’m becoming fucking codependent, and that’s fucking disgusting.  He’s my only friend, and he puts up with me all the time, and I’m too much all of the fucking time.  He’s super busy lately, and I don’t think he likes me so much anymore, which is fine and I need to accept that and shut the fuck up and calm down.  But I’m fucking disgusting and I’ve been leeching off of him.  I don’t feel good about that.  I can barely act like a normal human being.  I’m going to […]

now my diagnosis is right around the corner and im freaking out! they are going to send me to the mental hospital. thats where they put people that jump out of moving cars and bash their head off walls as hard as they can. i…..i just cant. and if they do they wont listen me. no way would they. why would they listen to the insane person. but they have to right? i mean in a case like this….he touched me. you cant…..he tried to kill me…..and he works there…..they cant send me there can they? i dont want to go.

I’m not suicidal anymore. Not depressed, not too anxious. But god am I angry. And bored. And frustrated. I don’t want to talk. It takes too much work to find the words. To interpret them and make them sound respectable. And I don’t have anything to say, anyways. It’s all meaningless small talk, or obvious answers in school. It’s not helping anyone.

So what does one do? I don’t know. I’m expected to talk. I have to, because my family associates my silence with anger and frustration. If they think I’m angry, they get angry, and I can’t have that. There’s no good way to deal […]

I can’t digest the poisonous root
I can’t resist the serpent’s fruit
pale clays become twisted sculptures
and molds like the heart of a vulture
mankind, always, losing pace
wandering lost in cruelty’s grace
wading through hallways and blackened rooms
lured and intoxicated by a sweet perfume
That stings the flesh,
the citric pine,
a ruby red in stained glass eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSmWyT0Sa04

So hey.
I’m not completely sure how to start this off. I’ve been on this site before. Clearly, I’m not better. Or else I wouldn’t be posting here yet again.
I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety since I was a child. I’m on medication once again. It helped for a short while..but it’s still here. It always was, I think I just wanted the medication to work so bad, that I tried so hard to block out the bad thoughts.
I’m not asking for sympathy.
I don’t know who I am. I’ve never loved anyone, but I crave to feel loved. My family doesn’t […]

The only time I feel okay is when I’m on drugs.

after sulli died..another angel passed away.. im sorry we couldn’t protect you from this cruel world..i love you..im so proud of you..rest well love..

Bought the pills. Gonna take a stroll somewhere far. Preferably where there is water. Even if I am found it’ll be too late. I’ll probably end up on the news somewhere (hope not) and yea… ????

I’m not so sure. The language makes it seem like I do – we have words for that, you know. I, me, my. Have you ever felt like you’ve melted into the landscape and lost all perspective of the things those words refer to? I miss that feeling. Whenever I have to deal with bills, being presentable, cleaning, fixing something that’s broken, talking to someone to clear up a misunderstanding, it detracts from that sense of flowing with my surroundings. It’s like a skipping CD (for those of us old enough to remember that). Why would anyone want to fill the world with something so […]

a beautiful soul hums like the sea

trapped inside a pearly conch drum

it sings its hymns to the vast oceans

waiting in the sand

I accept my days to be bad, some of them very bad. I’m ok with it, thats my reality. So there is not a single fucking day, that I can sit in a chair at the end of the day and say: hey, today was alright. I know things would come to this point, being who I am and the choices I made.

But today… fuck me! Everything I’ve said and done went wrong. Even things I just thought had make me feel like a piece of shit. Every single minute of this day was awful and unreal. It was not the usual bad, it was […]

do i just flow into the mold of others taking on their personality just so they like me? is it a personality disorder where i am just many different people? or is it just who i am, a jack of many trades one might say?

“If only you had appreciated her love for astronomy. You would have been able to understand that she paints galaxies with her eyes. That the dots of freckles on her cheeks represent the millions of stars floating around outer space. Her veins are infused with stardust, and she has comets dancing on her arms.

When she would feel angry, it would have reminded you of meteors shooting through the sky. In her moments of happiness, it would have reminded you of shooting stars, a dream come true. When she was sad, it was like a broken universe. People tried to shrink her, take her words away, […]

The answer?

I don’t know.

Maybe just to suffer more.

This is so frustrating.

If I tell them that it’s okey if they go.

They‘ll just go.

It would not be right to let them stay if they want to go.

But am I really okey?

No, it’s painful, but I can’t blame anyone.

It’s the right thing to do.

It’s better this way.

I hope that they will never look back.

Maybe they‘ll leave me behind.

It would be really painful.

But then I will be free.

I could finally just go.

And if they are reading this.

Are you slowly leaving me behind?

If yes, thank you.

If no, well, I’ll just wait.

I am so tired of hearing “You are not alone,” or “you’re not the only one.” When in fact anytime I try to explain the reason my existence pains me to ANYONE I’m ridiculed and/or shamed. Don’t even get me started on how many times I’ve been told that I’m “just being negative,” and “it’s all in my head, so all I have to do is just think positive.” If I’m not the only one going through this shit, how come no one else can relate?

My life is full of ups and downs. I mostly see the downs. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. Actually, I’ve always hated who I was. Always but with different variations. These past few months or even year, for all I know, I’ve hated myself almost as much as my high school years (so close to death at that time).

I am grudgeful, bitter, hateful, pessimistic and unmotivated. Unmotivated to live and to make friends.
Friends : People who are in and out of my life. At this point mostly out. People whom I have shared my life with for years and […]