General

My project is at a standstill. I think I have a workaround for one of my problems, but that still doesn’t completely solve it. I have to rely on the kindness of strangers. My teammate forgot he said he’d look at the motors. I had to remind him as he was leaving. He took them with him. He said he would be out of town this weekend. The likelihood of it getting done is slim. I didn’t think I needed to be over his shoulder to make sure it gets done. The underclassman was too busy […]

@husk- not trying to discourage you- idc if you get something off the net- funny enough, this just happened to pop up on my feed just now. google is probably “reading” my posts to recommend this to me. so this guy is a dr and does these videos narrating/re-enacting real medical events.

i’m sure this is a rare-ish event, though it’s these kinds of stories that deter me from getting illicit things off the ‘net. even in person, i wouldn’t know how to verify the quality of said items since i know nothing about any kind of illicit items.

one time, a friend’s […]

WOW, I always felt and knew that Americans were dumb since I was in JHS, bc I know our education system is absolute shit. But apparently there’s actual hard evidence to back that up.

@10:55- Study in 2019 (done by British Researchers)-
IQ of Japan = 106.48
IQ of USA = 97.43
Difference = -9.05

That’s NINE whole points, which is HUGE in the IQ scale.
Also, it turns out, it’s not even all due to our shit education system. Our decline in education began in the early 80s. But the decline in American IQs began to be seen as early as the […]

The pressure on my head has lessen a bit. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to work on the bot for the past few days. I’ve been waiting on the help of others to get things done. An underclassman who knows how to solder on a PCB and one of my team mates who can help me explain the weird behavior of some of the motors. I tried using the PCB I soldered once more and got another blow out. Of course. Then I try one more time to solder another put it just ended up a […]

Was playing some old reggae music and dubstep from my early teens to early adult life yesterday and it made me miss some certain things about my teen years and early adulthood before I became the mess I currentlty am.

I still like dubstep, and I kept thinking about this song since I played it yesterday.

I guess it is true that the music you enjoy the most/listen to as a teen to early young adult is what sticks with you the most.

“Look at this. I’m a coward too, You don’t need to hide my friend, for I am just like […]

As time goes on, I noticed my coping mechanisms/stalling tactics become less effective. In the very cores of life, things like eating, gaming, sleeping lose not only meaning but enjoyment. As for love and pleasure, I know my heart is too diseased to form any meaningful attachment while pleasure and pain are equal in their numbness. Even the realization of the mental trauma my death would leave is slowly losing power over stopping me.

My question is how can one keep going when they can no longer delude themselves into staying?

What do you do when you intensely HATE this fucking planet and all the shitty ppl in it?

Yeah yeah “there’s still good ppl out there” but that don’t mean shit when everyone *I* am in contact with are fucking assholes and douchebags. And by in contact with, I don’t mean any current ppl that I am voluntarily choosing to speak to. By “in contact with” I mean all the assholes in my life that fucked me up, abused me, used me, manipulated me, etc. Starting with shitty ass family. And later branching out to shitty ass bosses/superiors. You don’t have […]

I dance around it, complain about other things as if they are the main problem, but the real main problem between me and most of the species is that they don’t see the way I do.  It’s taken me years of working on myself to try and express this, and I still don’t know if I’ll succeed.

Other human beings have a sort of intuitive sense for conforming. They see and hear things differently because they didn’t have to push those two senses like I did. Not to say either approach is better, just that I’m frustrated that they can’t see mine.

I wish I could think […]

I don’t want to be this anymore. I’m pointlessly miserable. And I don’t know how to stop. I’ve made myself so fucking alone & isolated. I can’t relate to other people anymore. Not really.

I just want to stop. I’m so sick of myself. These thoughts, these feelings. I hate myself. I hate the world. I hate everyone. I hate reality. And that’s fucking pointless. To make yourself miserable over things you can’t change. But I can’t stop.

This life is for nothing. All it does is delay the inevitable. Delaying the leap into the void. On the off-chance that there’s something beyond death, and maybe it’s […]

I feel trapped like I’m a prisoner inside my body and I want to escape

I am a logic-based person, so things like “curses” aren’t a real thing- except in this world it seems like some people really are cursed. I, for one.

I mean, logically, it’s bc ppl who are down-trodden get even more stepped on and ignored and screwed in life. The more bad that’s happened to you, the more bad that gets piled on, and the less “normal” ppl want to help you out or want anything to do with you (be friends, etc).

1- why are there only 297 dislikes?
2- Assholes like Matt Walsh (popular right wing podcaster in the US) will spin this into “drs killing the poor victims.” Right wingers never want ppl to have the freedom and agency to control our own body. The sick will never be allowed to escape our misery.
3- Maybe, just maybe, if we had proper health services and social services for the poor, disabled, depressed, better wages, better opportunities, affordable food and housing, etc.- less people would want to end their miserable lives. But nah….that’s too much logic.

—–
Right winger mentality-

-abortion bad, make it […]

I’m always so bad at starting these. What else is there to say, anyway? I just feel the same way I always do. It’s been a very long and exhausting week. Had to go to a funeral yesterday of a family friend’s – which really sucked, as expected. I’ll really miss the guy- he was an important person in my childhood. I don’t know if I was all that significant in his life- his family gave my little sister a bowl he made because he had talked about her all the time, I guess. They didn’t even remember me even though we’ve met a few […]

I wake up. I mourn the loss of my partner. I struggle through the work day. I cry. I weep. I have no idea why I’m not gone when I have nothing. When I am nothing. When I should have driven off the road ages ago. When I should have slit my wrists.

I miss self-harming. The adrenaline would dull everything else. The physical sting would quiet down the mental anguish. And yet I can’t bring myself to break a several year streak because my friends would be “disappointed.” No one would even notice, surely.

Maybe one night I’ll get drunk or high […]

I think I broke my sense of morality a long time ago. Possibly when I was still a child. And I’ve been trying somewhat to artificially re-construct it for a while. I have some of the vague reasoning mapped out, for why what everyone else seems to believe is actually reasonable and valid. But that doesn’t mean I actually feel it. At least, not most of the time. A lot of the time, I want to do the worst things imaginable. Like they seem incredibly appealing. Beautiful, even. Essential. Life-affirming. How could something be evil, when it feels so good?

For a long time I’ve assumed […]

Now that’s comedy. My school has these mental wellness days every few weeks or so. Basically just a holiday. Didn’t even realize it until today. Guess where I was? In the lab working. This robot refuses to work on every level. And it’s killing me. Even if my PCB hadn’t burned out I probably still wouldn’t have made it. I’ve spent pretty much every day working on that fucking machine. An undergrad who is doing a project sponsored by our lab asked me if I ever leave that place. That’s how bad it is. […]

Always my weight is the problem.
I’m a burden this. A ***** that.
No common sense. but some book sense.
I keep thinking I just need to leave this place, move in alone, and just survive with the bare necessities at this point.
I feel so useless, and I’m just too damaged to have a girlfriend or a family of my own, or to support my family.
What does a mess like me even do?

Hi, it’s me, I’m the problem

I don’t sincerely believe it yet, but that’s the framework I have to adhere to until I get out of this wackadoodle place, or until I’m dead, whichever comes first.

because I had to use the restroom

THE AFRONTARY, having bodily functions, AT WORK, like some kind of HUMAN

I asked for an afternoon break every day too, such things aren’t done. Also, I don’t love the very shadow of a certain person who they are all fond of.

I’m being overdramatic, I know that.

I got a little steamed about that, I was going to walk, until I remembered that I don’t have any […]

It feels like no one in this world is truly trustworthy, especially the people around me. I say this because those closest to me have proven unworthy of my trust. Selfishness has consumed them. Why do people adopt such a cheap attitude towards others? The betrayal by someone I trusted has caused me immense pain.

Selfishness always seems to take the upper hand. It’s astonishing to see how people can change over such trivial matters, revealing their true colors. I mean, why? Isn’t it wrong to betray someone or break their trust?

I still haven’t found a disorder for it, but when I get to a particularly dark spot awful song lyrics show up in my head, like the title to this post. I’m aware that I’m old and a fair amount of people aren’t aware of this song, or Nickelback, lucky people up until now, I’ll fix that.

Nickelback is one of the worst bands ever to exist, and this is one of the worst songs ever written, in terms of encouraging the worst behavior in persuit of ends that you absolutely won’t be getting.

The why this song is in my head is the more interesting bit […]