General

I know this site is anonymous and that’s why everyone’s on it. But…wouldn’t it be curious what we all look like? Like I imagine we all pass each other on the streets, never realizing this person or that person has depression, or is suicidal.

OR on the flip side, see a stranger IRL and automatically know their story, their true self, and not the face they show to the world.

Why is writing a letter so tough??
I don’t know what to tell my family. I hate to do this to them, but I don’t see any hope for my life. I don’t want to die alone, but its either this, or feeling like this every day. I don’t even remember my life without anxiety and depression, it feels like this became my personality now.
I hope I won’t fail tomorrow.

I’m afraid of good things. I support good things and encourage good things between others but I feel like a fraud. I’ve never done good things for myself until just recently and it feels strange. I get “the ick” if that makes sense (probably doesn’t). I sometimes want to help people but stop myself because I’m afraid they may think I’m trying to be their friend and maybe I am but I’m not sure I really am. I find myself holding back what I can only describe as a “life force or energy”.

The other day at work, I allowed myself to be seen. The tenseness […]

Okay, Tuesday is going to be stressful, potentially. That’s my initial lead into the day, is that everything is always a maybe.  We prep for the worst, then hope it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it doesn’t!

The worst would be me imploding at work. I don’t know if I could come back from that, as generous as the people around me are. I don’t want to find out because the shame would be more agony than whatever they did to me.

I’m on front desk duty this week, the frontline defense of our department. I deescalate and present bad news as not so bad on a regular day, […]

One of the most prominent undercurrents in my neurosis is fear of cruelty. Within myself. Within our species. Within the whole natural world.

The most recent manifestation: a morbid fascination with cannibalism. Turns out, remarkably common in pre-modern times. Especially in tropical zones, and particularly within island cultures.

I was aware of “emergency cannibalism”, in times of extreme famine. Horrific, but understandable, given severe enough hunger pains and desperation to survive. You’ll find it throughout history and across the world, from medieval England to 19th century China and Ukraine during the Holodomor. When people are pushed into terrible enough circumstances, the moral inhibitions of a proportion of […]

another of my attempts at poetry, we’ll see

The woman who lived was a singular soul

neither young or old, eternal and ephemeral at the same time

She walks in shadows I can no longer reach

She languishes in lonely and desolate places

Yet they leave no mark on her

She lives, but for how long?

The woman who lived, many roles has played, many ways I’ve seen.

She is not ordinary.

I loved her once, and then I learned to appreciate her another way, a familial love.

We only have the people that will show up. Not the people we want to show up, the people who actually do.

The woman who lived stands in […]

Nothing like screwing ourselves royally, eh?

Couldn’t really pick a title so I chose both. Got 2 things on my mind.

I’m oddly content and I don’t know why. My situation hasn’t changed at all. Still going to flunk. Still don’t know what 2025 looks like. Still the same dumb ass who can’t even build a robot. But I’m still going at it. Spent all day in lab. Had so many issues that wanted me to smash me skull against a brick wall. But I still had some strange satisfaction when something went ok. Thinking CLARA actually looked decent. […]

I think I have to end it soon. I don’t want to live at all, but I also don’t really want to die. I’m 26 without a degree, working in retail which was okay, but since a lot of people quit, the new environment is so toxic I feel extremely nauseous every time I have to go there. So I basically told everyone I will quit in December but I have no other plans, I’m not educated enough to get a better job, and I have anxiety and meltdowns whenever there’s a change in my life, I have no idea what my problem is, never […]

What do y’all do when you get in your head? When you isolate because you don’t want to bother someone, even if they tell you they don’t mind. It’s arrogant to think I know their own feelings better than them but I can’t release the thought that they really don’t want to spend time with me, even if they say they do. I certainly am not doubtful that they are doing their best to tell the truth, but I cannot see a good reason why I should stop being invisible. It’s the easy way out, and it’s even easier to rationalize.

Advice, opinions, and thoughts are […]

I’ve been drifting for so long now. Half my life. I wish I had some sense of clarity or consistency. Any kind of purpose to keep me going. Like, what the fuck am I doing here? What am I living for? I’m not trying to find a relationship. I’m not that interested in making friends. I don’t really enjoy other people’s company . To the extent that I have career goals, I don’t really care whether or not I get there. I don’t get much pleasure from any of my hobbies or interests. I have no drive.

The only reasons not to kill myself are not […]

3rd therapy session today. Got more into it. Our conversations seem to have an odd flow to them. Sometimes I don’t know how we get from A to D. He seemed more combative this time. More willing to push back against me. Usually when a therapist does that it annoys me, but with this guy I want to try and push back. Argue for my point. He did admit as much that he was more argumentative. I said I was fine with it. That I’m curious. I live in my head probably 90% of […]

As I write this, I can’t help but laugh at how the title could be uplifting if written a different way. However, this post isn’t like that. I’ve come to the realization I don’t want to compete in this giant rat race called life. I don’t want to live long enough waiting for this body to decay. I just want out. I have grown to hate the mortal experience and if cursed to re-incarnate, let me come back as something unable to comprehend itself.

Life is just one big game of Monopoly where the most selfish person is the winner because no amount of sugarcoating will […]

I’ll say one thing for these dark periods, I didn’t know I was as morally flexible as I apparently am, but I’d do almost anything to get out of this god forsaken crap bucket of a town.

I was stuck in traffic, just starting to come unglued when I had the thought; if you commit a federal felony in another state, they jail you there, meaning if I could come up with a severe enough felony I could be free of this crappy town. Yes, I am at the point that a federal prison anywhere but here sounds better than here.

I’m open to other things, equally […]

I dont even want anyone to care anymore I’d rather no one knew of me at all. I’ll just deal with being alone. Like I’ve been. they just all need to get away from me now. it’ll all just hurt them and me in the end and while I’d deal they dont deserve that. I don’t have much holding me back anymore, and if I can just somehow get through to them I’m not worth it, then it’ll be much easier. I cant even look at myself. I’ve barely been out of bed. it’s getting so bad I dont even think I can get out […]

“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” wrote Shakespeare. Equally uneasy lies the head of he who has not paid a motorway toll. It had been on my mind for some time all thanks to a fucking horror story that did the rounds in May, the story went a guy received a 50 grand fine over an unpaid toll that had been accumulating for some time. My understanding was the toll has to be paid by 8pm the following evening and if not the toll doubles every day thereafter. The government acting in concert with the private company that runs the toll would be […]