General

Interview I had today was ok I think. I hate how nervous I get. I say I don’t care about any of this, but I still care enough to not want to fail. It’s a stupid contradiction. Either way, it went ok I think and I drove 6 fucking hours back home with the last two hours in the dark. Sucked dick.

I realized this morning why my current depression felt so nostalgic. It’s the same depression I had when I was in high school. All my life I’ve been depressed, but I’ve been depressed for different […]

I was writing this to chatGPT but knew what it was going to say, and feel too tired to rewrite it, so apologies for the messiness. I just don’t know how much more of this s**t I can take…it’s almost laughable how bad my life is and how screwed I am in terms of talking to people, or just being able to be in the vicinity of other people. Maybe this would be better off in a social anxiety forum, but I guess the social anxiety comes from being unhappy and guilty.

People often make fun of me, talk about me or laugh at me when […]

Brilliant writer, intelligent, insightful and talented at the art of words, but after reading all of his fiction novels (I don’t have the patience for essays), I gotta say I don’t think he ever experienced pure, agonizing, suicidal pain himself. And that’s why his philosophy fails on me.

In a nutshell, his recurring philosophy can be summed up like this:

Life is absurd, essentially meaningless, but we should rebel against the meaningless and create meaning.

Sure, that’s fine. But not when you’re dealing with an agony so deep and maddening that you can’t fucking think straight. To use the metaphor of the 9/11 jumper: those faced with the […]

I’ve been talking less and less to people around me. Keep it brief and keep it light. I just haven’t felt the need to say anything. Don’t got anything to say.

This research proposal isn’t going well. Don’t got any ideas and it’s not even something I really want to research anyways. I thought I found something that would be interesting, but I’m not even sure there was anything there to begin with. Probably just a pointless dead end. I’d like to say that this is the reason for why I haven’t really worked on my research […]

I had my third interview with this defense drone company today. It went well. Makes me a little sick. The people are nice and well meaning. But I did not become an engineer to work for the department of defense. Especially not this administration’s DoD. This particular interview made that even more apparent. I guess I’m a hypocrite for trying to get a DoD fellowship so I could do my PhD. The research proposal of which is still crap by all means. But I was proposing a pipe inspection robot. To help with infrastructure. […]

You can’t tell me that people in 2025 aren’t shittier than they used to be. Things weren’t like THIS 20 years ago.

Every day, we hear of some kind of mass shooting, or stabbing, or insane shitty behaviour by average Americans, not even by criminals or serial killers. Take a look at these stories I saw yesterday. Some woman thought the lady in front of her at checkout took too long at checkout so she followed her to the parking lot and stabbed her. Then went back to the store to wash the blood off the knife. And then there’s this […]

Who remembers blackoutalice, she used to be active back in 2015, anyone know what happened to her? I miss all the guys from back then, we used to have fun on here

I really hope this doesn’t offend the methods rule, because it’s one of my favorite songs of edgy dark comedic musician Rusty Cage;

Anyway it looks like it’ll force you to watch it on Youtube anyway and not on this post, so whatever. I was talking in one of my other posts about AI teaching a kid how to tie a noose and how I could teach anyone how to tie one, well so can Rusty Cage. He also built a guillotine once, he’s kind of a cool guy. I mean he’s taken his dark thoughts and found a decent outlet, his music and some other […]

I used to be a regular on this site 10 years ago, and I promised I would be back after 10 years. Here I am, nothing changed, still suicidal, still hopeless, still in pain. Life was never meant for me, but I’m still scared to end it all. My friends, blackoutalice, Killswitchon, Deena, Simran, nobuddy, unluckymale13 and the others whom I don’t remember their usernames, I hope you guys are doing well in life. Love you. See you in another 10 years, hopefully I’ll be dead

Interview went pretty bad today. Was like 10 minutes long. I don’t give a fuck about tomorrow’s interview but I have to do it. I just don’t care anymore. It’s the middle of fucking October and I’m still here. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I keep thinking all my problems would be solved if my heart just gave out when I slept. Or I had a brain aneurysm. Or I just get stabbed or something. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. It’s pointless to continue on. Nothing to […]

I blame myself for a lot of things.

Attack myself hard internally.

A lifelong friend of mine stopped talking to me last week because I wasn’t talking to him enough. I’d been cutting out things like watching wrestling and playing games (A lot of start stop there lately) and have really been stressing with work and trying to get my shit together.

I’m an idiot for that.

I haven’t been keeping up with my studies.

I’m an idiot for that too.

I’m really trying to get better, going to therapy and what not.

Still an idiot for not taking that seriously earlier in life, I was just young and sort of coasting.

I’m […]

There’s an episode of Gravity Falls where the characters fall down a bottomless pit. It’s one of those short story episodes where each character tells their own mini story. They did this because they were so incredibly bored while falling down the pit. I guess I understand that feeling. This whole situation is one bottomless pit and I’m falling down it. But I’m not scared or sad or angry. I’m just really fucking bored. Tomorrow I have my 12th job interview. I think it’s the 12th. I never counted. I don’t even want to be […]

I think I’m being too much.
Had a long distance relationship a few years back. It was pretty serious. We joked about marriage and stuff, and in all honesty, I would probably marry her, but at the time, I was still young, and wasn’t really wanting to do that.
We really cared for one another, still do.
I have no money though, and no way to see her in person.
Halfway around the world from one another.
I broke it off initially, I didn’t want her to sit and wait for me, when there’s a good chance I’ll never meet her in person. I wanted […]

As I’ve been working with my therapist, I’ve been reconfiguring my life to be more social and to give myself the future that I want

However, I’ve continually failed at all social pursuits for at least the past 7 years. When you continue to fail over and over as I have, you stop expecting your fortunes to change

Nowadays, I’ve been faced with so much repeated failure (and worse, seeing my peers who are absolute failures at everything else in their lives succeed socially) that I’ve started to feel a lot more comfortable with the idea of withering away into nothing. The idea that even if I […]

On Saturday I went out of town with my mom to attend a concert that her distant cousin was preforming at and do a small marathon run the morning after. I just went to get out of the house. I wasn’t a problem the whole trip. I drove when asked, did what was asked of me, and just maintained an amicable disposition. Then out of no where my mom blind sides me about… I’m not even sure what. Something about not connecting with her or my father. Not being happy around them. I wasn’t doing anything to them. […]

“The Life That You Want is on the other side of the work you’re avoiding”

I think something is wrong with me. I think I have problems feeling other people’s emotions. For example, when I’m in a group of people and someone says something that everyone else laugh at, I dont feel whatever it was that caused everyone to laugh in the first place. I can understand that I should be laughing myself, and sometimes I fake it. But I just dont feel the laughing trigger like everyone else. It’s like this with other things too. There have been times people have gotten mad at me for “not thinking about them”. I wonder if I have empathy problems somehow. It […]

So I never bothered to look up the Unabomber before and never knew the story of Ted Kaczynski. This documentary just popped on my feed so I decided to watch it. And what do you know, Ted Kaczynski wasn’t wrong about a lot of things. He was actually quite ahead of his time. This is what he thought:

The industrial revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race:

1- Industrialization has forced people into crowded, unnatural environments, especially big cities, robbing them of their freedom.
2- Modern Tech gave governments and corporations unprecedented power to control citizens. “It […]

It sucks to be/feel invisible and not have real friends