General

So yesterday I was complaining about how I just wanted something to happen already. Well something did. They’re offering me that crappy technician job in Austin that I didn’t want to interview for. The one with stripping cars all day long. The finger on the monkey paw curled. I’m trying to figure out which is worse. McDonald’s or technician job. I know I don’t want to do either. Technician job pays more (by like a handful of dollars an hour) and gets me away from my family. I don’t want to do either. But technician […]

The news media is of course blaming “mental health” struggles, but I watched some of her youtube content and she’s more lucid & rational than most people I know. She just happened to choose suicide.

Here’s her last video where she talks for half an hour. I only watched the first 7 mins but I didn’t see any evidence of any mental health issues. First she talks about the lack of god on earth & how the world is a place of evil. I got no arguments there. Then she says our lives are dictated by the few rich & powerful, by corrupt governments. Makes sense […]

I have an interview for McDonalds tomorrow. If they don’t take me that’d be pretty hilarious and sad. I really don’t want to work at fucking McDonald’s, but I need money and more importantly something to fucking do. It’s not like I spend all day looking for engineering jobs. I maybe spend like an hour a day on indeed and linkedin. The rest of the day I don’t do shit. Just rot in my room. I sure as shit don’t work on my fellowship applications. Man I really don’t fucking want to be a cashier again. […]

When I was tired at the end of the day, I didn’t think much of it. When I stopped reading every day because I couldn’t focus, I brushed it off as a phase. When I stopped doing the laundry for weeks at a time, or missed taking the trash to the curb 3 weeks in a row, I figured I will catch up eventually.

When my new boss got on me for forgetting what I learned in training, when I struggled to remember facts, dates, scriptures, I still didn’t make the connection.

It wasn’t until I came here, that I realized that not only is something […]

What do you hate and love about life?
What do you hate and love about death?

I’m going to college, and it feels good to finally be making something of myself, but looking at my much younger classmates makes me realize just how much time I’ve wasted just sitting around wishing I was dead. Id regret dying without at least seeing this through, so im not giving up. But damn. I couldve done this when I was fresh outta high school at 18. The truth is, I was afraid of college, snd felt unprepared, and had no clue what I wanted with my life bc I spent so much of my time in this endless cycle of wanting my life to […]

So this was a month ago I guess, but I’m watching these videos now and ALL the news stations pretty much parrot the same crap- that AI told the son to commit suicide and how to do it. Actually, they all had the same narrative:

1- They kept phrasing it as a “kid” or “child” despite the fact that the “child” was 16yo. Hardly a child. Hardly a kid that didn’t know what he was doing. Especialy since he lied to ChatGPT and told it he was “researching” for school or something.
2- This is the modern version of what I grew […]

Something is wrong. I’m tired of this pain and suffering. I don’t want to keep experiencing this.

So I read the feedback. Or at least the big summary that one of them gave me. Made me realize I have to rewrite most of it. But I’ve been stuck on it. The main criticism was that I was basically proposing to small a thing. Something not worth considering PhD research. Which was true. All I really proposed were minor changes that could maybe fix the thing. Because that’s all I could think of. It needs to be this big novel change I’m proposing. But I can’t figure out anything. Best I could […]

I finally got feedback from my old labmates. After two weeks. They are busy people. Haven’t read it though. 26 and I still can’t take criticism. That’s pretty sad. I guess it also has to do with the fact that I’m just not feeling it. I don’t belong back there. I shouldn’t have made it as far as I did in the first place. I’ve repeated this so many times. There’s no point in me trying for fellowships when I think about it. But then I give my friend such a hard time about how […]

Anyone else suffer from this? I’m not talking about physical speech impediments or aphasia where you literally can’t form words. I guess the term for what I’m talking about is “selective mutism” but when I read up on that it doesn’t seem to apply either.

What I’m talking about is, you want to talk to people, you’re even good at it, but it’s just such an effort like getting out of bed to a depressed person. You just isolate and rot.

I’ve long since ghosted all my old friends, even though they’re good people. I figured that was because they reminded me of my past (a logical […]

A Shit Family?

ChatGPT or Online Therapy? If so, how good or bad are they? I’ve tried an AI depression chatbot once. It wasn’t all that helpful. But maybe AI has gotten better since then? Any suggestions?

I need to talk to someone but:

1- a good therapist is HARD to find
2- regular therapy costs money. even if insurance covers, there’s still $20 co-pay at minimum, for like 45min. Or in my case, I’m getting charged $15 and $20 for EACH session. IDKW i’m getting billed TWICE but they are. $15 or $35 each week -THAT gets pretty expensive pretty […]

Holy shit
1- They can have police trace your calls / your location
2- They can have the police haul you away and lock you up
3- They do this to 2% or 1 in 50 callers. That is a very HIGH #

Do you ever feel bored but also can’t find anything to do?

I haven’t been leaving my room these past few days. I still go out to eat and bath and stuff, but mostly I’ve just holded myself up in this room. Feels like the world outside it is dead. And that the only thing there is is in this room. Barely done anything this week. Maybe turned in a handful of applications. Started applying for part time jobs locally cause that’s what my mom wants. For some reason I find this insulting. I’d like to tell myself that I’m not above doing a job at Walmart, but maybe […]

The title says it all. There’s something interesting about everybody. Id like to know what, in your opinion, is the most interesting thing about you. Tell me about a skill, a hobby, a struggle you overcome, a place you’ve been to…anything.

Something about me (sort of): There are people in my family who claim to have been abducted by aliens. These people dont have a history of mental health issues, and are very successful in their lives.

Some years ago I went to an exceptional endocrinologist who explained to me that, despite my thyroid levels being “normal” the actual “normal” was vastly different. Apparently true normal falls within a narrower range than the mathematical average.

It took about 18 months to find the sweet spot, but once found, suddenly I was no longer depressed or suicidal. I am here now because a different endocrinologist lowered by medication.

I am not telling you that you are misdiagnosed, only that it is worth checking out. Advocate for yourself.

Give yourself grace while holding yourself accountable. Improvement can happen.

Our beloved SP admin may ban me for quoting […]

Is it hope that “things will be better?”
Is it friends/family/SO? (ie love and care)
Is it drugs/alcohol/etc to numb yourself from this world?

How do we not fall into the abyss?