General

“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” wrote Shakespeare. Equally uneasy lies the head of he who has not paid a motorway toll. It had been on my mind for some time all thanks to a fucking horror story that did the rounds in May, the story went a guy received a 50 grand fine over an unpaid toll that had been accumulating for some time. My understanding was the toll has to be paid by 8pm the following evening and if not the toll doubles every day thereafter. The government acting in concert with the private company that runs the toll would be […]

Or actually, I should probably rephrase that since that doesn’t show the amount of responsibility present in that case. I’m more so the one who causes said “wounds” (in a metaphorical sense, no self harm, yet) to myself, and then other people are able to add salt to them as a result of that. Yeah, if I could reasonably list out how many of my problems would be self-inflicted, that would make more sense than it already does.

Of course, such a thing can only be most directly applicable to my case, but regardless, I’ve encountered some problems throughout the last 2 to 3 years. Some […]

What if we don’t have the strength to continue (or make the huge necessary changes to our life), but what if we also don’t have the strength to off ourselves either? Stuck in a life of not really living and not dead.

I’m just so exhausted with life…but I don’t want to die not having lived a happy life and not having accomplished anything. If I quit now while I’m miserable, I feel like this stupid shitty universe has “won,” and I can’t have that. I would only live and dig a better life out of spite- like fuck you universe, […]

I’ve mentioned this before, but lately random memories pop up in my head at the oddest of times. Playing on the Wii with my friend in elementary. That crummy star wars game where you waggle the controller and some how you’d hit the other player. Embarrassing things I did or said in middle school or highschool. People who I haven’t thought of in years. This one time a girl I thought had a very attractive figure was sitting in front of me in Spanish and we had a nice amicable relationship. I had my foot propped up on those […]

and I don’t mean death. Imagine if our depression/loneliness/self-hate/guilt/anger/fear/etc all dissipated and we became happy well-adjusted productive members of society? I know, not gonna happen, but…sigh…wishing shooting stars did grant our wishes O_o

Well…technically…shooting stars COULD grant our wish- if our wish was for Earth to get obliterated. 🙂

I found myself and it feels so good to be human again. I’m not afraid to feel anymore.

I didn’t want to confront the pain all these years.

I found truth and love in my own personal hell. I didn’t think I was worthy of it but complete strangers saved me when I was at my lowest point in life.

I remember all their kind deeds. Some might claim their actions weren’t all that helpful but to me, those actions and their words meant everything to me.

And now I’m here at my new job after having lost over 36 of them. I find that I’m not afraid to […]

While dreaming, upon coming face to face with a former childhood friend, I apologise for being like the person who hurt her, the one who messed her up. I repeat multiple times that I wish I wasn’t what I am. At least in that moment, I think I meant it. I honestly repent of who I am and what I’ve done. But there’s no going back, there’s no undoing what’s been done, so…

Except now, I’m suddenly lying face down, and the bed drops out from beneath me. And I’m falling, fast. It’s kind of exhilarating, almost like flying. And the thought fills me that maybe […]

Organs nearly taken from living man

~3min

1- NEVER just blindly trust a dr or nurse- hospitals and drs and staff lie to patients ALL the time. Either they intentionally lie, or they’re just incompetent AF. And 100% don’t care.
2- It’s not like drs are ever wrong, are they? *sarcasm*
3- The ENTIRE staff (slews of drs and nurses and attendants) just flat out IGNORED the “brain-dead” guy thrashing around and trying to push ppl’s hands away from cutting him open. JFC.
4- Sure the hospital staff was either evil or stupid af, or both, but NO ONE is blaming the […]

Oh but I WOULD.

People who say that haven’t been screwed enough by someone.

I had another therapy session with my psychiatrist. I basically told him all the stuff I say on here. Pretty much verbatim. He did say that my suicidal ideation is just a weird defense mechanism. A way to “calm” myself because thinking it means I always have an escape exit. An escape exit I never take, but still an escape exit. This is pretty accurate. If that wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be 8+ years worth of posts on here from me. There would be like 1 or 2 and I would be in the ground. […]

Oh city to which I was not born, and to which I never belonged

Oh city which never had place for me, always found new ways to charm and decieve me

Oh city, you are the city I both love and hate the most, and perhaps will always be

Oh city, which hates children so

Oh city, which hates the elderly so

Oh city, which hates the homeless so

Oh  city, who pities the rich, prosperous and Christian

I should have been your favorite, but I suppose I reminded you of what you despised.

Oh city, which provided for my mental health

Oh city, which once offered so much in terms of hope and […]

Two people I thought were dead, about two or three months ago, around the time I really came unglued. One online, the other my oldest friend……….. that is incredibly sad to me. That she’s my oldest friend, because ten years is small potatoes in the world of friendship. Thirteen years, and she’s one of the only people I’ve ever loved nearly unconditionally. All the friends older than her are either dead, out of state or pretending they never knew me these days.

Today at lunch I found out she was still alive, but barely, and it’s always barely. She has a heart defect, genetics are cruel. […]

I’ve thought before that part of my struggles in life might have to do with blood pressure. My dad has high blood pressure. I’ve been diagnosed with it, once. I’m on medication to control it. It happens to be also for sleep and ADHD.

Last night I took a shower, first time in a week which isn’t bad I have an office job. But the blood pressure drop after…. it lasted. It kept going until the next day, today. There was only so far I could get my blood pressure up today. It was like a speed limit. I know there was a beats per minute […]

Not one thing went right today. It’s kind of hilarious in a way. I don’t know where I picked this up from, but I remember hearing once that a certain part of comedy is watching something that’s not supposed to happen. A system failing. Like when you watch a person fall over. It’s not supposed to happen, but you saw it happen and that makes it funny. I think that’s why I’ve only been able to see all this as funny. It’s getting worse and I’m not sure how long I can find this funny.

Lately I’ve had this song stuck in my head, which is kind of impressive for me since I collect catchy songs;

I’ve been realizing I can’t spend my life reliving college. I have no idea where this song came from in my life since it came out before I was born in 1985. My parents didn’t particularly listen to Bruce Springsteen. My best guess is summer camp, we listened to a lot of cheesy Americana back then.

Anyway it sat half remembered in the back of my brain until last week. I was watching Bruce belt out one of my all time favorites Cadillac Ranch. He was […]

ohoy ig, I probably shouldn’t be doing this here but I feel safer here so apologies.

My favorite person, some who I have been able to connect to the most irl is leaving, we probably wont see each other ever again after this year and i don’t want that, i was not feeling terrible about myself and the world with them and if he leaves what do I do, think probably and thinking is bad, doing maths and physics wont take my mind off whatever it has been wanting to say “nihilism is back” and the “my life is a video game” wont work since I […]

I go back through my old posts every now and again to see where I was. Sometimes my problems seem so trivial and other times I remember the deep sadness I had back then. One post I made when I was around 17 I think mentioned that I don’t see myself living past 25. So that number has been in my head for sometime. I guess I just thought it was a good stopping point. I don’t turn 26 until December. There is still time to make good on my promise. Maybe failing this semester will give me […]