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It’s been a little longer than a year since I found someone to call my own. It’s also been a few months since I involuntarily closed myself off from them.
I never deserved their company, and they never deserved being stuck with mine.
It’s a bit of a sticky situation, as I’m the first and only that they’ve had. Though while it’s mutual, what I’m able to give them isn’t. I’m lazy, I’m broken, I’m a damned sad sack of shit with no more hope left to hold, but to them I’m the only thing TO hold.
A friend crawled out of the woodworks too, seen these depressing posts of mine and pushed me into staying happy plenty of times, offering to be an open ear for me.
Funny, as back in high school, these were both things I desperately longed to have. But now they’re mine, and I’m no different.
I’m just too tired for this shit, too weak. I know they’re the stepping stool I needed, but at this point I no longer care to reach for anything.
Friends and family are always what’s kept me around, but I can’t continue living like this. I don’t want to live in agony, both on the inside and out, just because everyone else wants me to.
My thoughts are incredibly selfish, but I can’t find myself caring anymore.
I’m sad, I’m tired.
I don’t want to get up again, the ground here is comfortable…
Both friend and partner threatened to call the cops on me, because they care. Despite my warnings, despite my best efforts to prove how worthless I am, they pressed on.
Bless their hearts of gold, but I told them I wasn’t worth the effort.
I see now, that things can change around me, but I will always remain constant. As long I stay the only person I hate, nothing will change, or ever get better.
They don’t realize I’m doing them a damn favor, sticking around me will only drag them down to the same spot, as it’s happened three times before…
I don’t want to drag them around.
I don’t want to drag myself around.
I’m so tired, I just want to sleep…
I want to vanish, so they can live up to their full potentials.
I want them to forget me and feel happy that I’m not sticking around.
It’s my damned fault, I took them along…
I should have stayed away and kept quiet, they don’t deserve any of this shit.
I don’t deserve to live.
But it’ll be fine.
Just a few more days, and I’ll be out of everyone’s hair.
I can be happy when I disappear completely.
I just wish this all could’ve been avoided, that they had never met me…