General

I have had such a f**ked up life my counselor has called off on the last two sessions on the past month. Like, i can’t be that f**ked up. Its funny and depressing at the same time. Like btch, yes i’m a broken person or atleast damaged.

Ready for some fk’ed up news? i get treated better in jail than the real world. Last year thanksgiving was lit, everybody made like a pie and treated other like family. Something, I never really had in this world.

My mother rather […]

So many years trying to put it into words. Even expressing that time is a form of admitting defeat. In this moment, I’m probably not so awful or monstrous at all to most eyes. Well Sweeney Todd didn’t look too threatening getting off that boat, did he? The monster before it demonstrates it’s ills is just another beast in the vast array that life provides. It would be charitable and foolish to believe those beasts friendly.

Yet I don’t even look like a beast, people admire and praise me. People call me kind and good. It’s sweet how willing they are to not look at the […]

Another boring, frustrating, lonely day. Suicide is not far from my mind.

It’s a couple of things that have me feeling this way, a lot of shit that’s happened in the last few weeks. Between all the storms, someone I love gone, losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Idk, I’m just finding myself getting angrier and angrier lately.

I never have answers to improve my overall situation. I have to just sit here and stew because I’m so angry.

I don’t know why I even watch the videos I watch on youtube. I’ve lost my sense of self, and was reading a self help book on how to find that sense of self […]

I gave up on my diet today and ordered two pizzas from Domino’s.  I ate both of them throughout the entirety of the day, but it felt like giving up.  Not just on my diet, but on myself.  I may be cutting down my timeline even further than previously predicted.  Because my heart just isn’t in it anymore.  I have created my will I have purchased my gun and now it’s time to figure out what comes next.  My only current plan is to continue to build equity to leave somebody else.  That’s it, that’s my only current goal.  It’s something, but I am not […]

The problem with sleep, I find, is that it requires you to let go. To accept the circumstances of your reality, at least enough to feel comfortable being unconscious for 8 hours at a time. To feel that things are in some sense ok, or at least they will be at some point in the future. That things are, more or less, under control.

And I haven’t had that feeling, for so long. Nearly 15 years now. And it’s been getting worse and worse as I age. As whatever irrational youthful optimism I once had drains away.

I need something to tell myself, to convince myself that […]

I’m really drunk righ now.
It’s been a while…
I have no much to say actually but, I’m still here, sadly. My last post was supposed to be my farewell post, but just like real life, nothing works as planned for me. I’m the same, but older. A looser, a drunk, a loner. A sick. Nothing really changes if you just watch the time fly. There’s no miracle and no mercy in this world. If you’re born a loser, you gonna die a loser – sooner or (like me) later.
I’ts nice to see this site is still up, and some folks are still around […]

I hurt, but I’m sober.

I’m tired, but I’m trying still.

I cry, but look for smiles

I’m weak, but I’m fighting

My brain is a fucking paradox. This is not new to anyone who reads these (not many). As much as I spent most of my life drowning in all the noise of hopelessness and self hatred and nihilism, I’ve also spent a lot of it making up pointless fantasies. Delusions of being something or being with someone. Hopes and dreams and all that idiotic shit. It was delusions that made me apply to grad school. It was delusions that made me still message her after she stopped talking to me a year and half ago. It was delusions […]

This is only the second training I’ve ever done specifically dealing with suicide, but this one is by far much more wrong. The first one was sponsored by SAMSA and performed by a veteran psychologist for psychology majors, it was comprehensive and not bad.

This one was sponsored by some mental health organization I’ve never heard of, done by social workers for social workers. I didn’t have high expectations going in to be fair. It was “mental health first aid”, an almost ludicriously oversimplification of maybe people should bother to be literate in common mental disorders.

I could have taught this course, despite never seeing it until […]

-_-

But what can I do? I’m too tired, mentally and physically, of all this bullshit.

This is about as much “social contact” as I have- posting words to anonymous strangers at a site like SP. Every now and then I post to other groups but I’ve given up on them. Why? All the other groups have TONS of ppl- you post and NO ONE remembers your story. It’s just one post. People reply, and then they forget about you. That’s literally ppl’s attention span. From one post to the next. Hell- I wouldn’t be surprised if Gen Beta can’t even hack 280 character long tweets, given our skyrocketing ADD trends. […]

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and awful behaviors through much of my conscious life. The furthest back I can remember being such a narcissistic, awful, and boring person is from elementary school. I’m not going to paint some bleak and extreme picture where I am the most tortured soul on the planet because, in reality, those younger years were not bad in the ways that I see for most people. I grew up with divorced parents and little-to-no friends, and I was relatively indifferent to it all; I still am. Every time I’ve tried to write out my thoughts and feelings it always comes off […]

Family is something that can give both happiness and heartache. Scoldings, often intended with good intentions, can make me feel wrong and like I’m not allowed to do things my way. There’s a strict structure for everything, and it must be followed. I have low self-esteem and admire people who can do things I can’t. I’m tired of everything

THE PAIN OF YOU WANTING SMTG BUT YOU CANT DO IT KNOWWV ITS FUCKING PAINFUL … WHICH MAKES ME FEEL THE LOWEST OF LOWEST …. I CANT OVERCOME IT ………. I FEEL I AM UNLUCKY IN ALL ASPECTS ….. AND MY PARENTS DESERVE A PERFECT KID INSTEAD […]

I’m really disappointed that I can’t join my classmates on the industrial visit. As a final-year student, this was a trip I was really looking forward to. Unfortunately, financial constraints are not letting me from going.

It’s especially like heavy heart because this was likely to be the last such trip during my college years. I feel unlucky because I’ve missed out on similar opportunities in the past, even during my school days. While others enjoyed these experiences, I was always on the sidelines.

This situation has now left me feeling frustrated and a bit angry. I can’t help but feel that I’m missing […]

i just can’t, and it’s getting worse. night by night, little by little. but it doesn’t feel like a little. i just want to know what okay feels like. want to know what being enough is like. im trying really hard to be enough, to get my life together, so i can actually matter. but the days continue and not mattering is starting to really get to me. the failing feeling. the isolation. god, the isolation… its better to just pretend im fine anyway because talking about anything would just burden everyone more. everything’s eating me alive, i feel like im being ripped apart. i […]

The things I used to rely on to get me through don’t work anymore. They don’t distract me from my reality. I don’t care enough to invest. I’m not interested in anything. I have no plans, no goals, no aims. There’s nothing I want from life that’s realistic for me to work towards. The only things I want are impossible – to turn back time, to not be who I am. Right now, I mostly just want the pain to stop.

And it’s not that the pain’s even that bad. It’s that I have nothing to make enduring it worthwhile. I have nothing to distract myself […]

It’s literally just now that I had excess energy, for the first time in days, which has been a mixed bag of a breakdown I can tell you what. Yes, breakdown, once again my week ended with me trying to quit and failing.

The difference between these and other times in my life that I’ve had breakdowns is that I am remarkably better resourced now than I was even 2 years ago. Which allowed me to build a plan… that’s all that is usually required to get through even the nastiest shit. Oh and this definitely qualifies as that.

I can’t harp on it much though,  counterproductive […]

I had a “conversation” with Chat GPT of all things. Because I’m lonely and have literally nobody else to talk to. At least about stuff I want to talk about. I tried explaining my thought process. How I got from A to B to C. Asked how it was even possible. Asked what that even means. I told it about the anchor and the broken tool analogy and the contradiction between having a fluid definition of life but a rigid stance on it. Apparently it’s called “Existential Exhaustion” or something. I’m not sure if it made […]