I did this, you can too.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Because when she died, she grew wings, because when she died she set her soul free.
Because of her death the world will finally know the truth….
Butterflybae’s book is being published, “MASQUERADE” we are helping her to finish what she started. Her blog was a very small portion of what she had written in regards to her book. She kept a video diary as well, that will be put up on Youtube for all to see in the next few days. Also a complete collection of all her songs and poetry will also be published.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
So I’m going to start off by saying hello and I will be cursing in this. I’m 19, I’m not going to say my name but you can call me LC. I have a three year old son. Yes, if you do the math right, I was 16 when I had him. He’s truly a blessing in my life and happens to have autism. If anyone here knows someone that has a child or does have a child or sibling with autism then you can understand how hard it is. I’m writing because I know I need help. I really want it, too. But I’ll […]
I’ve lived anything but a normal life & I just turned 20. My parents were both abused. My dad was physically beaten by his father. My mother was raped many times during her childhood by her step dad. My parents hooked up (drunk) at a party & 9 months later I was born. I am a bastard. My parents got married when I was 3. My mom was addicted to crack until I was in kindergarten. My dad physically & emotionally abused her until she left him (moved out) when I was in 7th grade. My mom stayed with him that long because she wanted […]
So i’ve been living throughout this suicide phase for so long, ever since elementary school. I’m less suicidal though, I’ve learned to have self-determination and to live by my own standards and goals. I’m very active now and try to do positive things that helps me ignore the negativity in my life. This thing so called “family” is a word I erased from my dictionary. Family was never there for me. (sorry and excuse me when I jump all over, my thought process is really fucked up so ill cut it into chunks that cut my thoughts)
My story goes like this, typical asian scenario where […]
Wading through bureaucracy is sort of like having to sniff Satan’s armpit sweat through a really long straw. It’s unpleasant no matter what method you use, but hey, the rules and regulations say you HAVE to use a straw… and the straw has to be blue, and it has to come from one particular office which is only open on Tuesdays from 3:00 to 3:02 pm.
On a related note:
I got the Medicaid problem sorted out.
There was a computer error; someone hadn’t sent my information through all the right channels, and that’s why stuff wasn’t showing up as being approved.
But it’s fixed now.
I got […]
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT […]
I am so tired of feeling depressed. So tired of running away. Just so tired.
I wanna do something about it for once. Despite my love for death, I can’t help yearning for change.
I have loved death for a long time now and I think it’s time to move on.
But in the same time, I don’t want to forget about death. I’ll still love death but I’ll try living better than this.
My life from now on can consist of ups and downs. But I’ll try facing it like a boss. Because you know what? I am the boss of my own life. And I don’t want […]
I’m trying to keep it together here… I feel like life is just bearing down as hard as it can right now without outright killing me in some torturous way. Yesterday I found out that my sister, my best and… pretty much only real friend in life has a cyst near her brain that’s pressing against it and causing bleeding. She went to Seattle by EM Transport last night and I talked to her for a while on Facebook but… I just wish I could be there with her.
Not a day earlier I talked with… the best guy I know. A guy I’ve had a […]
So, I found out that my family find out about me. They find out how vulnerable I am. They found that I’m not mentally healthy.
And I find out that they find out quite a time ago.
I should be something ; angery, nervous, anxious. I can also cry, i can be relived I can be worried but I have no feelings. Neither this thing hurt me nor it gave comfort to me. I’m exactly like I was a minute before. Caught in an argument, they confronted, I refused and went to my room. No talk.
It’s kinda funny situation. š Her child is in pain, […]
When i was a freshman, so 14, i tried to commit suicide for the first time. I can’t really explain why. It’s two years later and it still feels like it was all a dream. Sometimes it hits me all at once. Out of nowhere.. like around Christmas, i went and saw my youngest sisters choir concert. I was watching, listening. My dad on one side, my brother on the other. And it hit me.. all at once. Without warning.. as those things tend to do. I looked up at the stage, seeing her sing. My throat got that horrible dry feeling and suddenly the […]
I finally finished reading My Heart and Other Black Holes by Jasmine Warga. After reading it, it makes me rethink about suiciding. It makes me think that maybe I can be fixed back again. That maybe I can recover. That maybe I can still be saved. But I think what I’m feeling right now is just temporary. I know tomorrow I’ll be depress all over again. But I know somewhere deep inside me, I’m begging to be saved from this black hole.
I’m tired. Exhausted. My body wants to curl up into a fetal position andĀ sleepĀ for the next 2000 years.
Maybe life is better in 4016.
I you see, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to put my family through such sorrow and grieving. I love them all too much to chose to leave in sudden death. I don’t want to leave my mother wondering what she could have done better, or if she had said the right thing. I couldn’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve that.
But I want to leave. I never used to be all that religious, but recently something has changed for […]
The date is January 19th, 2016. I scroll through my email folders looking for old emails to delete and I come across a strange message saved in the bottom of a website folder.
[the suicide project]
Memories flooded back to me instantly. I log on and see that I’m an enigma. Just one draft from November 26th, 2013.
āJust donāt worry.ā11/26/2013
I can’t help it. My brain is defective.
My name is Ashley. At the time of joining this website I was 18 years old and suffering through the worst depression that I had ever endured. The DEPO birth control shot was to blame, of course, but that just made […]
I’ve just needed to get this story off my chest. It’s been two years, and I’ve only told two friends and my councilor. This isn’t much of a story, but when I begin to think about suicide I remember the saving thought that I had. A lot of the time we feel so alone in the world. It can be for many reasons, but I think what I learned is, you’re not alone. No matter what you want to believe to make choosing suicide easier, you’re not alone, someone will still feel grief for you when you pass. For some people that’s not much of […]
Quite surprisingly, I have survived my suicide attempts 12 times over the last seven years. Though this is not necessarily something to be boastful about, I believe that things happen for a reason; even if the premise behind my repetitive failures is unbeknownst at this particular time.
I am eighteen years old, and this dark phase of my life began seven years ago subsequent to the loss of a an individual who I considered to be more of a mother to me than that assigned to me biologically. Subsequently, I lost the only real paternal figure I had two years ago. Between these two losses, […]
Today, after school ended, me and my friends decided to buy dresses for the debut of our friend. We decided to ride a train going to Tutuban. We paid and waited for the train. While waiting, I was lost in my thoughts. I remember the news I heard about a guy who decided to end his life by jumping on the riles while the train is near. I was so sad about it. I know how hard it is. Then I heard the train coming. I was thinking what If I do the same? What if I decide to jump like that guy did? I […]
Some of you make think I’m joking. Some of you may think im insane. But I have a story to tell. And it’s completely the truth. My personal experience. Some of you may curse me to hell. And some of you may just understand my plight. But I’m telling you now that i am not trolling you.
As a little girl, like most children, I had an imaginary friend. I would stay up at night talking to her and we would play games. She was a lot older than me, but that didn’t seem to matter because I was the only one who could see her. […]
What is it like to just live? To just live a life where you don’t feel like everyone is watching you? Where no one gives a shit what you are doing, where you are going, who you are talking to, and how you are doing it? I really can’t remember. I honestly want to live in a cave underground with no windows and no doors and no light so that no one can see me ever. I want to not exist. I want to be alone so that I don’t hurt anyone. I want to never interact with anyone so that I don’t do anything […]