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Crying Everyday And So Confused

by Tryingtoholdon123
written by Tryingtoholdon123

So for a while now, probably a couple of months I’ve been crying every single day about something it could be the littlest thing but I just start crying and I just going to this episode of hating myself and wanting to just be alone and away from everything and everyone and then it turns into anger and then anybody who tries to help me I give a attitude to. And I do know that I’m clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression But for years it’s been under control and I’ve learned how to control it so much that years ago the Psychiatrist felt like I didn’t need any more medication and it was good for a while my emotions were pretty much under control and I had normal emotions. But that only lasted a while because I have been hiding my depression a lot but it’s never been this bad I’ve never cried every day of my life for months and almost like three or five times a day and it’s tiring and my head hurts and my body sore And I always feel like I’m tired or sick but it’s just because I’ve been crying so much and I don’t understand it I feel like I can’t even go outside anymore even though technically I really can’t because of the circumstances of the world right now but say we weren’t in quarantine and I had to go outside I probably wouldn’t because I’m scared that the smallest thing is going to hurt me or make me sad or anger me and then I’ll just go into an episode out in public and then hate myself even more than what I already do. I’m just confused on why this is happening and I want to change it because it’s taking a toll on my body And on my brain If you read this thank you have a good afternoon stay safe and wash your hands

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I don’t know what to do please help I need advice

by Tryingtoholdon123
written by Tryingtoholdon123

Well I used this website before and honestly it’s a really helpful and supporting place and I’ve never experienced any type of hate being here so I decided to use it again and I thank the people on this website for being so nice to me when sharing my feelings really means a lot and would gladly do the same . I don’t even know how to put all that I’m feeling into proper words. I’ve been going through a lot in my own head. I constantly put myself down and I’m always saying that I hate myself. And the worse part is everything I say to myself I believe… I don’t like myself… I hate being who I am… I wish I didn’t exist or was never born cause I’m always constantly feeling like I make peoples life’s worse… I don’t know how to even talk to people anymore like a regular person. There was a time in life where I had to get hospitalized for my bipolar depression and for a while I was doing okay and but as time goes by I just hate myself more and more and I feel like it’s never going to stop. I always never really liked myself. Maybe as a kid but as I was growing up I got bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and a little bit in high school but not too much. All those moments just replay over and over again in my head and just remind me of why I hate myself and I just feel like giving up sometimes. I’m trying to change so I can’t feel this way anymore but due to the circumstances of the world right now it’s hard to change being stuck in the house all day which is basically what I did before and I was really depressed. There are some bright side to my life obviously I have a phone A roof over my head and a very supportive boyfriend Who helps me out with all these thoughts And I think God for these things that some people don’t have but we are all dealing with a different type of struggle no one’s life is ever perfect I was just really like some advice on how I could change the way I feel about myself because it’s come to a point where I don’t want people to be around me anymore and the only way to do that is to get rid of myself and I already tried it once and it failed And I didn’t even tell anyone and the only thing that stops me a boyfriend will be sad and so hurt if I did that to myself and he’s been trying to help me for so long so I’m trying to reach out to someone else to see if they could help me rethink myself So I can feel just a little better about myself Because I’ve been feeling this way for so long and it doesn’t only hurt me it hurts my boyfriend to see me like this knowing that he’s been trying to help me and it’s not working. Like I’ve never felt this type of hatred toward myself like it’s so different than anything I’ve ever felt before it’s like I just can’t stand myself and I just wanna feel a little better I doubt anyone would even read half of this but if you do thank you and I appreciate you reading a small part of my story I might upload a lot more on this website it helps me a lot after texting my feelings down about how I feel about myself it’s calmed me down from ballistic crying I hope everyone good night stay safe and Wash your hands

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Life sucks and then you die

by niki
written by niki

Some people are lucky; Some people are not.
The more you learn about this world and society, the more you will realize that Life is random (chances), and yes, Life is not fair. Reality is depressing.

Most people who still always keep saying that “if you work hard, you will be successful!” are naive, ignorant, and simple-minded typical “optimistic/positive/happy-go-lucky” people you always see everywhere. And even for those people who realized it and therefore said that what’s important is to “work smart”, it also usually often means to be sly, cunning, opportunistic bastards who are too often selfish, pricks, ruthless, cold, heartless, and only care about certain shallow things like money, profits, power, position. And sadly often for the vain reasons.

There are often far too many challenges, obstacles, and also bad people who lurk just around the dark corners to eat you up, use you, trick you, manipulate you, etc etc you just name it. That’s why usually the truly good people, and the genuinely smart, wise, and idealistic, visionary type of people who have truly great and noble ideas for the progress of the world are often crushed, and losing out to the selfish, vain bastards and pricks of the world and society that I’ve just mentioned above. No wonder there are many stressful, sad, depressed, and suicidal people all around the world/planet.

This world is a shithole. Humanity is sadly not that great. Life is often disappointing. Society is sick. Existence is (mostly) just a meaningless, stupid, and pointless pain and sufferings until you die.

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Soul Cancer

by cloud
written by cloud

yes, this shit is a soul cancer, depression is even worse than body cancer, it kills your soul , and once ur soul is dead, u are dead even if ur body keeps moving. and thats where we start thinking of commiting suicide cuz thats the only option we see, we are dead, so we want to kill the only thing left which is the body.

that bing said , i hope i dont reach that stage , am getting worse evveryday but am trying to fight back even tho i lose most of my battles vs depression, anxiety, overthinking and negativity .  i am having these shits since 2016. its been almost 4 years and i am dying slowly.  I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP. 

those motiviational videos in youtube, its all bulshits , yea full of shits , Fuk them and Fuk society.

i dunno if i am gonna make it out of this one day, Dont know, maybe… or maybe i will end up like other souls , killing that last thing alive.

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Feeling loved and Steven universe Future

by CARLOSPEJUAN
written by CARLOSPEJUAN

I now avoid this place because it kinda brings me moredown than the hope and light I feel I can bring to it. But I don’t know where else I can write this and keep it somewhat personal.
I feel like people love me. And that is good. I was so afraid people hated me and couldn’t stand me. I feared people wanted to kill me even. At some point the paranoia had taken over me, but it wasn’t true. I’m not a monster. I’m not evil. I’m not that horrible of a human being despite how I may have felt. There’s people who love me. My mother loves me. And I am doing ok. Thanks for life to have given me a second chance. If you’re reading this far and are planning on killing yourself don’t. Tommorow may be the day you overcome depression. And trust me, that will make life worth living. Hoping for a cure. Carlos out. No song today. Instead this video of how I kind of feel at the moment. Only difference is I don’t feel like a diamond, I feel inferior. But, I’m sure with time I’ll overcome that. I hope I can watch the full season of Steven universe future that show is awesome. My ex used to love it, now I know why. To bad he lives too far, I think I loved him without knowing. Kinda still would love to be straight. But that is another story. Carlos out

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i’m back and worse than before

by robin1244
written by robin1244

Hi guys,

Its been nearly two years since my last post and I’m in the process of therapy but its not helping me out the way I expected. Until 7 months ago I was physically and mentally abused for over 11 years and it has left it’s scares. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I’ve learned to accept it. But the reason for my return is that I was about to attempt to kill myself again, but I used a technique I learned in therapy to stop my attempt. I thought of the last few attempts and I started crying, something that I never do as I’ve gotten used to pretending to look happy. I thought of this site and how people always helped me out and motivated me to stand up tall and continue with my life and today is one of those days. Consider this my cry for help.

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I Will SurviveStories of Hope

Perspective

by Hiccup
written by Hiccup

Looking back on what I’ve posted here a year to a year and a half ago, it’s so weird to me. As if I’m not the one who actually wrote those things. The negativity in those posts made me cringe, but I guess it can be good to vent sometimes. I’m in a better place now, though I still have my lows and struggle with insecurities. Despite this, I’d like to think things will turn out okay.

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Conflicted

by Hiccup
written by Hiccup

I’m angry with my mother because I recently discovered that she violated my privacy very badly, which she had no right to do. I’ve been on the fence about confronting her for days now, but I just haven’t gained the courage to do so. I thought today was gonna be the day, but when I had the chance I froze up and was filled with anxiety, so I stayed silent. I don’t know if I could handle the tension of living here after confronting her because the soonest I could possibly move out is several months away. I’m frustrated with myself because I want her to know exactly how I feel and that what she did wasn’t okay.

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life’s been a b****, but i’m the alpha i guess

by jmc22
written by jmc22

Hey,

It’s been a while since I’ve been on this website and I guess that’s a good thing. To be honest I remembered that I had posts on this site while procrastinating my math hw and decided to come back on and read all of them . It was difficult, I’m not gonna lie. Some of the things I still agree with, but I also realized that I really was an angsty preteen who couldn’t handle her hormones.

So if you’re ready to sit down and listen to a young girl’s soul-searching journey then please keep on reading.

  1. In my past posts I always talked about my mom as an antagonist. She blamed my dad for everything without realizing her own faults. She picked out flaws on purpose. But I never cared enough to understand her own perspective. After meeting my dad only once and marrying him, she was brought to America with promises of a picket fence house and a new life, but instead got hate and negativity. She was the youngest of the family and the apple of my grandpa’s eye so she had never worked a day in her life, but now she had to work from dusk til dawn even while pregnant because my dad’s parents couldn’t get by on my dad’s salary alone. It was the typical evil, asian in-laws you would see in a Korean drama. She didn’t know anyone; she didn’t know any English. She was alone and had to stay with the man who she despised. I’ve cried a lot thinking about my mom.
  2. My dad is a strange man. He’s never matured. I don’t know if that’s because he was brought to America young and never got to live out his youth properly before his older siblings basically ruined his credit and stole his house. He can’t hold a conversation even for important things like filing taxes with my mom or even look at her so he just stares at his computer and ignores her when she comes into his room. He impulsively buys things for himself. He told me he has depression. I don’t know how to help him. I knew how he felt, but no words would come out of my mouth even long after he left my room back to his. I’ve cried a lot thinking about my dad.
  3. High school was rough, tough stuff. BUT not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. If you happen to stumble across my old post from the summer before 9th grade, it’s full of anxiety and bad vibes, but I want to let my old self know that she’ll get through it. I’m a senior now, and I’m not proud of my high school self, but I can accept her. I realized by junior year that everyone is going through the same things. No one has their life together and in fact, no one knows where their life is headed. BECAUSE WE’RE HIGH SCHOOLERS. I’ve made so many mistakes, I’ve shed so many tears, I’ve made and lost friends, but hey, I’m graduating in 3 months.
  4. I’ve finally found my group of friends during my senior year. I met 2 of them in freshman year, 1 in junior year, and the remaining 3 in senior year. Before I had stuck with my friends from elementary school, but I can proudly say that they are my best friends. I can talk about anything with them. I can do anything with them. When they’re sad I’m sad. When I’m sad, they talk to me and listen to me. I’m so thankful that I found them before I graduated. Even though I wish we all could’ve met earlier, who knows if we would’ve even been friends back then. And even so, I’ve made irreplaceable memories with them and that’s all that matters.
  5. Speaking of best friends, I think I found my platonic soulmate. She’s great. She’s everything I would want in a friend. Never have I clicked so fast with a person. Never have I spoken my entire life story and cried about my family to them. Never have I had someone do the same back within seconds. I’m so thankful for her. Sometimes I’ll admit, I get anxious that it won’t last; that she doesn’t feel the same. I’m too scared to tell her right now, but I’ll muster the courage. I know deep in my heart that she does, but sometimes my thoughts drown out my reasoning. I love her. I cherish her. My platonic soulmate.
  6. I’m comfortable with myself. I think before I was forcing myself into a box of ideals. Laugh like this. Act like this. Dress like this. Life’s so much more fun when you don’t care and do whatever you want. I cut my hair and dye it so many times. I buy old clothes from the thrift shop or a nice piece from the mall. Let me paint my nails 10 different colors and wear ruffly socks. It’s so much fun. It was a long journey. But having great people and a good book really helped me. Seriously, Call Me By Your Name is such a great book. The way Andre Aciman wrote about love and how it’s weird and heart-consuming. How love makes you want to be more like the other person and it doesn’t have to be necessarily romantic at first although it may turn out to be. After reading that book, I cried for 3 hours and didn’t talk to anyone over winter break because I needed to process my own thoughts. After reading that book, I sent messages to all my friends who made an impact in my life to show them how I’ll never forget them. My life is full of love and joy because now I’m at a point where I can confidently ask for it and give it.

TL;DR

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life right now. I still have sad days (which is why I came back and read all my old posts today) and I’m not quite there to achieve ULTIMATE CONTENTNESS haha, but I’m getting there. I finally know what people mean when high school is one of the greatest times of your life and I love my friends. It’s scary to know where I’m gonna end up next, especially since college decisions come out this month, but life’s going and I’m going with it. Life’s a b****, but I’m the alpha in charge. I will choose my own destiny and create good vibes for myself. Thanks and peace out!

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Where is this going?

by RoSe98
written by RoSe98

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I never said i was a good person. Ive always said i was a bad person. Am i? But is there really a black and white definition of a good person or a bad person? Most would say its your actions that speak your truth. But everyone has been horrid or a little rude to someone and everyone has been the slightest bit sweet to another. Where is the breaking point? Where is the point of no return? When does good become bad…and can you have a come back?
I ask you this because ive been cruel and ive been sweet but i have no clue which side of the bar i stand on. Ive ruined people. I have hurt them so deep they wont beable to forget my face or the words that have pierced them like a thousand razor blades. The scar only worsened by its resurfacing in the mind. But i have also been a person that has helped someone off the ledge. Held theyre hand in the deepest darkest depths of hell and gave them the courage to climb theyre way out. Well i cant say i did that. They did it themselves. They only heard words and turned them into something beautiful.
I feel no matter how much i try to become better my sins with be latched to me as shackles dragging me closer and closer to hell. Ive watched what ive said, what ive done. ive been more courtious. But the thoughts…my thoughts are like a wild fire. Spreading to every bone nerve and cell. Hoping to take all the anger, the hurt,betrayal and spreading it to everyone like the plague. Rain a million arrows over there sky till they can no longer see the sun shine. Why should they be happy? what did they do right? What did i do wrong to turn into such a twisted mess?
But then sometimes theres this other voice that comes to light. No one deserves to be in pain. No one should feel alone or that the world is against them. That no matter how locked away or how small they make themselves…they’re never safe. That theres no peraon or place left to go.
Ik ik the question is, “where are you going with this?”
The honest truth is i have no idea. I have no voice in my day to day interactions. This is a place to be heard.
Heres my story of wherei am today. If your willing. For all i know youve scrolled on.
I grew up in fairport till i was 7. My mom split when i was 2. I was left when my father and my sister. My dad was a sad, angry man. For a good 6 years my dad couldnt handle the sight of my sister and i because we reminded him of our mother too much. We stayed with my older sister and her kids a lot. Shes considered crazy by doctors. So why he thought that was a good situation is beyond me. But remember when i did see my father he was always cry. Sometimes i cried with him. We left fairport to rochester to be closer to my sister and near his job. I jad to say goodbye to my few friends. Thats when life started to get lonely. I only had a sister i fought with constantly and a father who was always mad. He’d scream a lot. My escape was staying at my older sisters. My neices and nephews were fun to play with. Until one wasnt. My neice was fucked up by another person. She did things to me she shouldnt have because they were being done to her. I was 8, she was 12. This was the firat rime i wanted to die. She told me if i wanted cash to talk to her step dad. I being 8 didnt think much of it. Never visited again. She endes up pregnant and her step dad ended up in prison. My older sister got onto bad terms with my dad so i never got to see them till way later.
I entered my new school in 3rd grade. No one talked to me and i was very quiet and shy. Pluse i was a weird kid. They were worried about me to so would always send me to talk to someone in school. I didnt make ant friends for a few years. In 5th grade the teacher made a rule no one could sit alone so i didnt sit alone.
The only reson i ended up with friwnds was yth grade this girl wouldnt leave me alone until i agreed we were friends. She introduced me to my future nightmare, mags. Mags and i were inseperable until 10th grade when she got caught drinking underage. She got me into drinking,smoking, ya know…bad stuff haha she moved away to her. (More to her later)But right before she did she introduced me to my second worst nightmare. Jake. I thought it was love at first sight.i was 15. We talked all summer long while he was on vacay. He came back and he imediatwly cheated on me. I easily fargave him but it was the wrong choice. We had a 4 yr toxic relationship…raised voices,slapping, pushing…i thiught it was love…it wasnt. One day a nice morning with the sunlight shining in we were in his bed. I was 17. We’d already done it. But..this time ws different. I didnt want to. I pushed him away until it didnt work. With all the shock in my body. Nothing came out. Not even a whisper…no words. This was the second time i wanted to die. I tried to o.d. on pills i vomited and went back to life like nothing happened.
Time passed and i gained some new friends. Bry and pugz. I still to this day dont know what id do without bry. My conscience, my rock. Pugz still a great funny girl.Mags came back and she brought raina with her. We were what most considered stoners. Till i went to the wrong dealer. I started to find a new frenzy in the worst of times.we come back to this.
I graduated high school barely. I was told i was lucky. I passes by the skin of my teeth. I disnt know what i was going to do. I went to beauty school to find out it wasnt meant for me. Instead of doing anything worth while. I hung out with friends all the time, getting high, dping nothing. One random day in the summer K (old friends ex i was therapist buddies with, told each other everything) wanted to chill and go see a movie. We chilled for a while drove around. We randly tickeled each other. Until je said kewp it up he’ll pull over. I tried to call hia blufd but he did. At a random garage. I got out smoked ww chit chated. We got back in the car still talking. He tickled me so i tickled back..
But then he reached over and put my seat back. He got on top of me grinding his body on mine. I didnt want anything. I said to stop.He kissed and licked my neck and whispered i know you want to. I told him no but he continued what he was doing. ” ur telling me this isnt what you want”. I said no. He pushed himself against me one more time before getting off. I cried all the way home. A moment i learned no matter how close u cant trust anyone.(he contacted me a few days ago asking to chill, we talked about him seeing a movie with his girl it was theyre first date… The movie we were supposed to see that night, my stomach churned at the memory)
….I kept up with my secret nose candy. No one new except a few. Dating someone whos friends with a dealers girl makes it hard to to continue. Thay relationship was based aeound the drug and endes abruptly and it was the first rime i tried to be clean…but then i found zac…someone i still love to this day..best 6 months of my life it felt like. Partying, making lots of friends, i got skinny and felt beautiful, i had a decent job. But under the fun mask i felt lost in my past and broken down…the drug was my way to cope and to blend in. He dumped me…and i spiraled put of control until i ended up in rehab. I feel like it gave me a fresh start. I met so many people i could relate to. But when i lwft my safe haven was gone and ot felt like i was back where i started. Beoken and scared.
I moved in woth my mom amd my step dad who were having problems. I told my mom stuff my step dad told me and he kicked me out after 2 months. I guess u shouldnt tell ur mom ir step dads sewing and talking to his ex….moves back in woth my dad i was around my friends but after being gone for so long they didnt feel like my friends anymore. Except bry, zac, pugz and mags. Mags moved in when i moved back. Zac was so sweet to me again. We started the flame again. But one night he had to work l, a guy i went to high school with asked me if i wanted to go to a fire with him and his friend. It was in the woods. We were all drinking. We all jumped into the cold creek. I remember laying by the fire to warm up. I blacked out or passed out idk but I came to when i realized a dick was being shoved to the back of my throat top speed. The other trying to fuck me. I pushed them off and grabbed my shoes and ran out of the woods as fast as i could. When i got home i was locked out. I had to call mags bf to unlock the door. I still regret not calling the cops but i jist wanted it to be over. Thats all ive ever wanted was for all of this shit to be over. A few days later i relapsed on coke and tried to kill myself.
Why is it at that point people come around? People acting like they care when they barely did before.
I honestly cant remember the point of writing any of this. All ik is mostly everyone is gone. My dad and i barely say words.same with my mom. I just work and come home like a robot. I sont want to feel anything. Everyday i think about eope and a bridge but i dont do it. Thinking aboit how to do it calms my nerves.makes me think if all else fails…theres my solution. But i wont. But i want to. But i wont. I cant. I cant hurt anyone. So im trapped in my mind bubble expecting it to burst at any second…but it doesnt. I am 21 yrs and i dont even know if time will change anything.

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Life is not fair

by niki
written by niki

Life is not fair

Some people are lucky,
Some people are not

Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide

Everything is just only a random chance

The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe

Nothing matters.

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1115 Days…

by JCITM
written by JCITM

One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe.  It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence?  Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal culinary skills, his dream of becoming a chef and his fascination with living in Japan someday, our daughter’s early high school graduation, 18th birthday, first year of college and her being on the honor roll with a 3.81 GPA and her extraordinary producing and deejaying talents, is saddening.  The reality that you will not be present for other monumental moments in their lives such as college graduations, weddings, births is even more heartbreaking. The thought that our beautiful daughter and handsome son haven’t had a male role model since you left, causes tears to well in my eyes almost every single day. When our son comes to me asking questions only a man can authentically answer, I do my best to fill your shoes but I shouldn’t have to.  When our daughter tells me that a young man she’s dating reminds her of you in the way he protects her, it’s bittersweet. Bitter for obvious reasons and sweet because she at least has someone who, for that moment, is a positive reminder of you. You left us to pick up a million shattered pieces.  You left me to raise two human beings that we created together, on my own and it hasn’t always been a breathtakingly gorgeous emotional walk in the park.  There have been and will be countless nights I shut myself in and weep silently in my pillow so not to cast any more of a crushing burden on our children.  Why couldn’t you have been strong enough to pull through the rough times? Why couldn’t you have in the darkest of hours, seen their four impressionable eyes staring back at you, counting on you to be the protector as you’d always been?  Where did the tragic turn in the journey begin and ultimately end? Why did you let go of this thing called life?  Was there something I could have done or, anyone for that matter, to change your mind? Is it unfair of me to call you weak, curse your ashes and regret the day I met you? Absolutely because obviously, you felt an indescribable hopelessness in which I simply cannot fathom. This tragedy has taught me, albeit a process, not to project so much but to lead with compassion, understanding and empathy.  One never knows how rough someone’s terrain is until they too walk on that very terrain in that someone’s shoes. Just because there’s a smile on someone’s face doesn’t always mean their spirit shares that very sentiment.  Who am I to judge you? Will I still have my moments of anger, sadness, confusion and a whole bunch of feelings and emotions I sometimes choose not to control just so I can allow myself to feel organically, versus distract myself and become numb? The answer is a resounding yes. I’m human and I’ll always wish you were here to see our babies, who are now young adults.  Watching them triumphantly maneuver through this cold world we live carrying the legacy of you not being here on their backs, assures me they are resilient and in time, they will be just fine.  They are truly champions and my hero and heroine. I cannot help but acknowledge and credit you though for most of what you instilled in them during the brief time you had in their world, which contributed to the stand up and strong human beings that they are. Thank you for that because outside of God’s love, those very attributes are the things that have enabled them to keep moving forward and upward, even when the light is so dim at the end of the tunnel.  Not a day goes by in which we don’t share a story and/or a laugh about you and despite it all, you are terribly missed.  I know that it will never be easy but each day, it will get easier.  Continue to rest in peace.   

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To grow up and being an adult (adulthood) is overrated and depressing

by niki
written by niki

When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..

The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..

And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are being pressured to kill our dreams..

Reality is cruel, cold, disappointing, very limiting, mundane/boring, stupid, pointless/meaningless (often times), & depressing.. especially for some of us who have fully realized it & wake up to the harsh truth.

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I wanna end this quick

by Coracora
written by Coracora

For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, but the moment i think i might end up with a botched up whatever suicide attempt, would make me feel worse than the most repulsive beggar in say an eternal time plane., for i dont believe finding beggars on earth repulsive is bad morality, i respect every being on earth equally,that term was just meant to signify my emotional and mental being and state right now, it is as if everything primal , normal and just everything in my life is slipping away from me. Parents of one of the members in my family passed away and another member who i was close too all my childhood is an emotionally stunted adult who might as well hack me to death just by emotionally stunting me sooner or later. He/She is an awesome person though.I am not crying for attention from abuse or anything.That doesnt me lack thereof either.Its like my apocalypse is today.Another person is not going through a good weather either.Its like my whole family is thrown into a shredder and the whole world , even trash who is just good at nothing but cheap and mediocre politics and manipulation is derisively mocking at me, since hey my weather is the worst.
Thoroughly unrelated to the drama , I also kinda like a person whos forbidden sweet, whom i knew only for three months and its been a year and im sure he/shes forgotten all about me, but sometimes i just feel i wanna leave everything and wanna spend the rest of my life wrapped in his/her arms.But I also know,probably that person would probably have forgotten though im sure he/she had a deep mutual emotional connection or was it just a fake skindeep thing and that person might actually find me repulsive in my current state of despair, and anyway he/she could just put me in a stranger bracket and maybe ill never get to even encounter him or her or even if i did never be nearly proximal again, but right now though my current state has nothing to do with a triviality like a boy or a girl fancy,makes me think a life spent in his/her arms would just be enough or even death in his arms with him/her not being indifferent to me would be enough, or

maybe i am using a boy/girl fancy distraction as an escapade to the hellish nightmare i am in right now.
sorry for wasting all your time

and maybe i am a stranger to everyone on earth and i just deserve to hack myself with an axe and bleed myself till i die. Though i know human flesh is not butter but sinew and that process is too violent for not meek but genuine and earnest me. I know reading this, already quite a lot of people are sneering on me, disgusted abt me, thinking i am a loser, but i am not, i have been the toughest and valiant with glorious failures and few contentment which was rationally good. But right now i m kinda in my early to mid twenties and i am scared where life is going, that maybe when im thirty itll just end up being a routine i want to die. and life today now this moment is more excruciating than i could have ever imagined. I wanna die before anything else falls apart. Its life every positive force in my body is soul sucked out of me. Hope im not creating despair by last statement to any reader here.Whatever shit im going through i know u must have urs of ur own magnitude as well, so out of pure love, i want you to know, i am sending love.
Thank you,
If i am dead , please observe one moment of silence for me,
if i end up surviving this, thank you for giving me this platform to write it out now.
Anyway right now its quite schrodingers cat isnt it.
With love,
CoraCora

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Being a good and nice person is not enough

by niki
written by niki

You also must be ‘smart’ especially in terms of knowing how to make money. And often times, that also means you also have to be opportunistic, follow the system & rules (just like everybody else), even be cunning, sly, ruthless, brash, full of tricks, greedy, selfish, ready to step on other people who are ‘weaker’ (eg: poorer, etc).

Money is everything in our modern society today, unfortunately. It’s all about money nowadays. And if you can’t beat the system, then you have to join them. Everyday you are forced to survive, or for survival. And if you’re not strong enough to follow the system/rules, then too bad, either you will lose, get left out, get sidelined, trampled, kicked in a dirt, become a loser or failure in society, or you will die because you can’t survive.

Maybe life is just not for everyone. Maybe some of us are not meant to live in this world, society, existence, or whatever it is. Maybe it’s all really random and nihilistic, ie: some will live, and some will die. Just like ants, some will survive, and some will be killed, can’t survive, got unfortunate/bad luck, and die.

Life is depressing. Society is depressing. This world is depressing. Even all this whole existence thing is just depressing, mundane/boring, very limiting, sick, pointless/meaningless (for some people who really realize it), and honestly, everything is just so stupid.

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GeneralI Will Survive

Is wanting too much wrong?

by arielblaze
written by arielblaze

This is not directly linked to suicide, but it will be good if I could use this to organize my thoughts. I think it is better to do this than let this thing grow inside me untill it explodes someday. Today was a day that I thought I was going to explode, perhaps I did have a little explosion. I am living most of days inside my house, going out in very rare occasions. As a matter of fact, I wasnt even leaving my room for most of the time. I talk to some people through WhatsApp, though, and also my family, which is comprised by mother, my father and my sister. I am very problematic person,  I already had been in a mental hospital some times, and I am not sure if I am totally healed. I am trying to hold things togeher, to put some effort to keep life going forward, I have no job actually, but I am not even trying to find one, frankly. But I am not planning to stay like that forever, of course, but I just wouldnt like to do that now. I am planning to study the next year, I have an exam tomorrow, so there are some things that I am doing to improve my conditions. But in the meantime, while changes comes so slowly, there is a lot of stress, anxiety, pain, loneliness, sometimes despair and panic. Feelings of inadequacy, of being unworthy, of being unable to do the right thing, constantly regretting and being overly self-conscious about anything. It actually feels better just to type these things. Today I had some conversations with my sister, and then my father, and for some moments I was there making a show, with a bunch of arguments, trying to prove that I had some understanding about things and I wasnt just a little kid with no grasp of reality. And I am 23. I have so strong inside me this feeling of being treated like a kid, or being seen like a kid, as if my behavior was too much immature, or whatever. And as a matter of fact, most of my time I have devoted myself to develop a serious understanding of things, to develop further a serious attiude, and not act as if life is just a silly game. But I have fucked up things this year. I have done things I shouldnt have done, and I regret, though I prefer to keep it secret. But as I still carry some sort of stain I feel inside myself, I dont know how much time will be necessary till I feel a relief. And I am not a religious person, but I cant avoid feeling this kind of guilt, and associating this guilt with a stain within me. But I think if didnt have this wrongdoing I had this year, I would probably be more sane. So its like everything is my fault, after all. But I am hoping that I can get a new start. I hope that hoping that isnt wishing too much. Although,  I feel that it is wishing too much. But I must live, however. I can just die because of the bad things I did. And I can’t stop living, either. So I must keep seeking what is necessary and important. And I doing that. I have started a book that is being a scandal in my life, really opening my mind, with very illuminating thoughts. Its called Why grow up, subversive thoughts for an infantile age. By Susan Neiman. And I am just at the beggining, but it is already quite intense. You know, I am not just lazy, just unwilling to take effort, unwilling to take responsibilities. I am not just selfish, and indifferent about the others. I want to do something for the others around me, I want to be responsible, and not merely doing whatever suits my appetite. I want to work with something, I am studying within my limitations and I intend to be at some course in the next year. I have commited some mistakes in my way, but I am trying. I feel sometimes that my effort isnt seen by the people around, and that bothers me sometimes. But I will keep striving. I dont know if wanting too much is wrong or not. But if it is, I am definitely guilt of that. And I have no idea on how to change that. I must sleep now. I must endure all the fuzzy feelings that will come after making this post. While I was writing I had some illusion of company. Now it will disappear. It will be just darkness, confusion, then sleep. Being moved away from reality, somewhat a blessing. And then I will wake up, probably with a weird dream, an even more weird feeling, and will have to force myself to do the basic routine, and go do the exam. Lots of people in the way, unknown locations, uncertainties… Hoping to have a good performance in the test. Get back home with no troubles in the way. And have no troubles when I get back home. I think I am done with all the discussions, with all the arguments. Most of my life is devoted to researching and studying things, and some people wont give the damn work to listen me and act as if I am just pursuing and image or an appearence, as if I am not serious. Thats what makes my mad, literally. I dont go out, i dont go shopping, i dont have sex, I just stay inside this room seeking informations, reading, watching lectures, but no, I am not doing enough, right? I wont play this sick game. I have heard of people that spent their whole lives trying to prove something for a father or a mother, and I am not going to let this happen to myself. I am trying so hard to listen to this person, trying to engage in conversations, but I am sick of feeling as if I am not being heard. And I am not sure it was only my paranoia or if I have listened to real swears directed at me, said in my back. I am taking the risk to assume that it was real, and acted like it was real. Not going to assume that people wouldnt possibly behave this way and that anytime this seems to be happening, it is probably something from my head and it would be more wise to act as if nothing happened just to not be seen as crazy. If that is real those people are simply acting systematically to induce insanity on me. And I guess this happens, at least there is a term for that for women in abusive relationships, gaslight. But I am not a woman, and would like to think I am not in abusive situation with my family. I like to think my family wouldnt be willing to do such harm on me. This would be truly evil, and however bad they may be sometimes, I dont think they’re evil. So perhaps its just a little bit of paranoia, a lot of stress, insecurity, and some twisted imagination of mine. But I dont like to be fooled. And I simply cant distrust completely my senses. If I hear something, I might have heard it wrong, but I might also have heard it right. And I will act according to my perception, even if its wrong, even taking the risk of doing something stupid. Because I am not stupid. No matter how much hard it is for some people to recognize intelligence. And I am not saying I am a genius, that I am incredibly bright, no, I am not acting narcisistic here. It is just the case that there is some people that know how to put you down. I feel frustated. Angry. Mad. Sick. Sad. Disheartened. People love to romanticize the hardships of life, but the fact is: things could be a whole lot better, if they were perhaps just a tiny bit easier. I dont want a perfect life filled with comfort and pleasures and luxury. I just want a decent life. And its 2019. And the cost of a decent life for the most of people still seems to be terribly high, and terribly sacrificing. So, good luck everyone.

 

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My First Post

by Atum
written by Atum

     In the midst of another outbreak of depression, I found this website through the magical wonder that is Google Chrome. Apparently, searching terms idly such as, “can i just die” and, “does my life matter” actually aren’t completely useless. Let’s start with some basics. My name is Adam. I am 15 years old as of writing this. My mother passed away due to complications regarding lung cancer about a year and a half ago, leaving my already dysfunctional family fractured in an injury that seems beyond healing. I struggle with severe social anxiety, which I believe to contribute a great deal to my depression. Anyways, here I am, ready to spill my heart and ideas out to a bunch of strangers around the world. 

     Writing this, I find my decision to even share this with anyone, much less people I don’t know on the internet, slightly odd. In thinking about that, I realize just how attention-starved I must be. After all, the only people in my life that seem to even remotely understand the position I’m in are the people who are paid to do so. Man, that’s a depressing thought. My father works all day, my brothers are in a constant state of distraction to avoid their problems, and my peers are too busy beating themselves up about having A-’s in one class. (I live in a predominantly wealthy Asian town in the Bay Area) In that case, writing this doesn’t feel too stupid. After all, you and I share something no? A bond over suffering, pain, and perhaps some trauma. With that in mind, I don’t wish for practical and literal things from people anymore. All I ask is for people to take the time to understand me, in which I am always left short. Maybe that’s why I’m here. 

     In my opinion, when viewed from a completely “rational” point of view, life is simply not worth living. It is my belief that even your average Joe will suffer far more than he experiences positivity and pleasure. From a mathematical perspective, negatives cancel out positives. If the end result is negative, then why live? Depression may seem like a corner that you’re trapped in, unable to experience happiness and positivity because there is none right?! Well I disagree with that. Depression distorts your perspective, making you interpret even the positive things as negative. If I were to grow older and survive the violence that I perceive to be adulthood, my goal would be to find a way to live with the ludicrousness that is society. This is in stark contrast to what I believe most people do; throw a bunch of shit on top of the wounds and hope they heal, or stay underneath all that shit so that that they don’t even realize the wound exists. 

     When searching random shit on Google for the 800th time, I happened upon an article attempting to reach out to people actively considering suicide. Out of curiosity, I read the article. One of it’s most facinating arguments was the idea that, “People consider suicide for relief from pain. Relief is a feeling, one you have to be alive to experience.” Have you ever told yourself or a trusted individual that, “I want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself.” That reality is one that keeps me alive everyday, somehow. Now is that my body biologically telling my brain that it wants to live, or is it something greater? I believe the latter. If you’re reading this, think about it. No matter where you are, what you’ve done, or how you feel, there has to be a future with a positive outcome right? For me at least, I’ve come to realize that I’m not as screwed in life as I would believe I was. Though I am far into a dark tunnel, the faint hints of light at the end begin to shine through in some of my better moments during each day. However, that alone won’t ease my mind. When everyday contains a similar struggle, seeing point B from point A won’t help you get to B. There are still many days between me and that moment. 

     With that in mind, I frequently ask myself, “Why?” Why should I keep fighting this war that I didn’t start? Why should I persevere? That is what drives the idea that suicide is even a remotely plausible option. Why continue? When life is pain, why keep going? For me, I’m still here because the idea of a light at the end of a tunnel, though not necessarily confirmed to exist, entices me to continue living. To cling on to life. 

If you’re still here, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear what I have to say.

Adam

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I Will SurviveRants

In the dirt

by Tryin 2 liv
written by Tryin 2 liv

Hi everyone.

First of all, congrats to all who keep and write in this website. It’s so helpful for so many people. Just a great idea.

Second time I write here. I just can’t take this anymore. My wallet doesn’t take anymore. My schedule doesn’t take anymore. My strength just run out. And people around and at work just keep pushing and humiliating me. All this effort brought me insomnia and insufferable headache, what the fuck can I do?

I may take a leave and get fired. Then I would immediately go to the streets.

I may continue like this. But my health is just at its limit.

I am in pure blind rage. Only thing I can think of is who the hell think this people are? who keep talking human rights, worker rights, helping this community, that community… poor these, poor those… But in reality they are the only ones doing all the harm.

I don’t know what else to say. Ah yes, another phrase I repeat to myself every day: HOW THE HELL DID I END UP HERE? It’s so unreal to remember all the things and plans you had once, and little by little, but in the same time just in a blink of an eye, be in such a poor, decadent, lonely situation. I had friends. Family. A very good job. I helped people in my free time. But hey, end of the line dude. Game over. You lost. They won. But HOW did I get into this? I don’t understand.

It all seems like a bad dream.

Well, I do understand though. I am quite asperger. Had a tough childhood, I became serious. People do hate that. They would rather hang out, work, help a stupid evil clown than a good but boring person.

Best thing to do is probably just to let everything fall. Go rock bottom. Even deeper than now. Then I will hold on there, in the dirt, in the shit. Fasten your seat belts, this ride is going down very fast.

I feel fear. Maybe, the only meaning of all this shit is to overcome this fear. To have no fear. Maybe I will just die in poverty. Maybe some better days will come. But maybe some day I will live without fear. That would be something.

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11/16/2019, 11/19/2019: Coping with feeling worthless emotionally to humans. I have things to offer mentally but not necessarily emotionally.

by acefinlay
written by acefinlay

I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to have permanent good lasting relationships with people during this lifetime as a human. I also am doubting whether I will ever have sex with a woman. I have kissed/been kissed by two, so reckon that’s possible/might happen if I try hard enough and reach out to someone in just enough of a good way to cut it at the right time but idk/doubt my ability to have things keep happening/working because of how few relationships I’ve ever had with women. My longest/only that was called a significant other relationship by both parties lasted 2 weeks and everything else has failed to reach that point (at least half a dozen times).

I reckon I will improve some more but I don’t know if I can ever fully live in the moment enough to be on the same level as other individuals around me in a way that they will want me there for them in a permanent way I guess and it’s worrisome and bothersome to me.

I’m beginning to accept that I’m just a guide/catalyst in everyone I meet’s life but I don’t want to just be that/want more permanent things. Which arguably some things will be more and less permanent but I don’t feel like I will ever have any control or say in which things will be or won’t be. I can take actions that I think are good/think will be good for things but as I keep finding I may not ever really know what exactly is good for things to other people/be able to do those things.

Making me worry/question whether or not I’m even helpful to people or good for them. I maybe have been/am sometimes but I fear a lot of the time that people are just being polite to me and saying that I’m good for them when I’m actually hurting them. I don’t know, people are more in their bodies and that awareness then me and tied to this place and this now then me and I get that but also maybe don’t.

It’s easier for me to be in my mind, but I’ve always been there and never fully in the other for more then a time. So idk how much that is the case for others, but know that it is/likely more so then it is for me because of how they focus their being.

Some other people do live in their head and in the future and the past and not in the now, but the majority want to consistently be in the now/live in the now whereas I do not because of what this world is like when one actually has to do things in it.

Being able to be connected fully to the now/be fully in this moment would be a blissful thing to do in solitude and in peace but without those things being the case, I would not and honestly do not want to be in touch with my sensual tactile body because how much of a pain in an ass it is to deal with/process everyone else’s stuff.

Probably the truth is that that’s true for other people too.

The question is the degree I reckon. The more I focus on it the more it seems that way/is that way i know and the same is true for others, but on an actual observable level in terms of my actions I wonder how distant/disconnected I seem compared to others and if I am that way more often then not.

I could ask but I don’t want to mess up my relationships in whatever level/way that they still are/can be and in my experience the people who are around me usually want things/use my asking to their advantage to try and benefit. And to take more without necessarily giving more. Idk. I fear that’s true but don’t know how much it is or if it’s even a conscious action on their part. If it is I don’t know how they cope with it because it fills me with guilt to ask for help from anybody.

I’m not going to commit it I know but I’m going crazy slowly and living without someone who will understand me probably for my life because of what I am isn’t helping. Like I need that and I don’t have it and am not sure what to do about it.

I keep reading relationship articles by people online and while some of it seems true, I honestly am struggling with separating the wheat from the chaft and knowing who and what to listen to. I’m trying to trust my own instincts about what I’m doing wrong but when i can’t trust those i’m not sure what i can trust. My reverse instincts (?) but if they’re my reverse instincts are they really my instincts and should I be trusting them. Idk but am tired of feeling like crap/being treated all nicey nicey or like crap by people that think they’re superior to me socially when i ask them for help. I don’t want to think of myself as being socially inferior and don’t think i should be being seen that way even though i’m being often seen in that light. Idk fuck people though/tired of dealing with their shit. My reason for living at least is more important then them and goes deeper then them because it’s trying to fix all of this for everything, but so many people are pieces of work/out for themselves/don’t really give a fuck about other people even though they pretend to. I think I might be the same and it bothers me, but at least I can say that I’m not good for other people because of how this is, whereas most people can’t.

I guess maybe it’s seeing my not good as being better then other people’s “good” that’s really also not goods and wanting to give enough of a fuck to give my not good to someone who’s struggling. I guess that’s the issue though maybe, like I want to always give knowledge/insight but rarely do i find someone worthy of giving my body and soul too in the long run. Like if they’re too selfish and haven’t tried to live their life for selflessness or aren’t trying to start being selfless for the highest goods then i stop giving a fuck.

I’m not completely selfless i know either but i at least try to help sometimes, so while i’m not an activist who’s working tireless at climate change stuff yet or the universe beyond what we see on earth’s rediscovery/restoration(?) yet i’m driven by the need to transcend this for better/do those two things whereas many people are not and are primarily only concerned with feeling alive all the time while trying to make ends meet here.

Idk but I’m starting to think fuck feelings/fuck the need to feel alive/be happy. I don’t want to have it control me and I’m tired of it doing just that. I should get to control my own happiness/peace constantly always and I don’t want other people to have that power. The problem is that most people want to live in/be in aliveness and happiness and that that’s the reason that they’re alive and wanting relationships whereas I’m alive for the things we haven’t thought of yet and how they make me feel instead of physical stimulation/emotional stimulation. Idk they’re similar but different sources. I’m interested in physical stimulation/emotional stimulation from others but I don’t trust others because of how much they need that and physical material things from me like kids, houses or money for me to get that from them.

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