Home I Will Survive
Category:

I Will Survive

I did this, you can too.

GeneralI Will Survive

it’s been a bumpy ride

by One Million Masks
written by One Million Masks

it sure has been a minute since i’ve been on this site, haha. i don’t think i’ll even know anyone anymore, but i’ve sort of made an agreement with myself not to look. hey to anyone still around.

but uh. anyways.
this is just…. for anyone who might happen to read this.
i was pretty young when i first came on here— i think i was like, 13 or 14, something like that. things were not good. things had never really been good. literally nothing in the world sounded better to me than nothing, forever; just curtains was as much as i could let myself hope for.
and, y’know. things are still not good…. but they’re okay. i’m 21 now, three years past the oldest i ever thought i’d be. i’m still struggling along, because i figure, hey— i’ve got the rest of eternity to not be around, right? i don’t wanna miss something good, anything good; i don’t wanna live a life so short and full of suffering and have that be all. even if what comes is bad, it at least won’t be nothing. even if it is, at least i will have tried. at least i won’t have let that suffering define my time here. at least i won’t be nothing.
the worst parts of my life have been nothing. just days. just months. times where i couldn’t and didn’t want to feel, to think, to do anything, where nothing really happened.

nothing is really happening now, but it’s okay. life is okay and i have gotten better.

i used to hate things like this. things where people were all, “hey kid it gets better just look at me!!’
i was like, hey. hey, adult. you don’t know what’s happening in my life. you can’t promise me that. you don’t get to look down from the top and say anyone can get there. how dare you try to get me to hope.

but, y’know. i get it now.

i was so young. 14 is….. i wish i could go back and give my younger self anything that i have now. if i could make it easier for the person that i was, for that kid with so little, i would happily put myself back however much that kindness would cost me. if it took me the rest of my life to be okay again just to create a time where that kid had to suffer just a little less, i would regret nothing.

but i can’t do that. so.

don’t get me wrong. i have bad days. bad weeks. there are plenty of moments where i’m driving down the highway, and i think of how easy it would be to just not make it home. how much simpler. wouldn’t the world be better off?

but those times pass, and they come less and less often.

i’ve gotten better. life has gotten better.

i’ve had to do…. a lot. a lot of stuff that was hard, or seemed impossible, or made me uncomfortable. i’ve spent weeks unmoving, i’ve spent years trying to cobble together enough determination to just make it one more day. i’ve cut and i’ve done drugs and drank and all that, i’ve done…. most things, just to make tomorrow seem possible.

and i don’t have to now.

wanting to die can make things easier, in some ways. it’s like…. well, what do i have to lose, really? what’s the worst that can happen? what damage can really stick when i can hit the kill switch whenever i want? i’ve been hurt. i’ve been alone. i’ve been dealing with problems bigger than me since i could think coherently. what could the universe possibly hit me with that i couldn’t either deal with or run away from?

and so far, the answer is none. you learn how to roll with punches after they just don’t stop coming. you look at enough catastrophes and shrug and they start to not seem so bad. you roll up your sleeves and you keep going. you deal.

i dunno. i just hope….. i still do want to die sometimes. sometimes often. sometimes i go off and don’t plan to come back. but i always do. and i never regret it. i just hope there are people out there who might see this and know that it’s possible.

i’m not trying to say, “it gets better.” i don’t know if that’s true. but it gets easier. and you can get better. and things can turn out alright, if you just stick it out.

i first tried to kill myself when i was ten and it only went downhill from there, so i’m not trying to bullshit here. i just really, really hope no kids as young as i was are still kicking around here thinking they’re at the end.

the end will come to you eventually. it’s inevitable. and when it comes calling, what you’ve left behind you might not have been worth living through.

i can’t say my time here has been well spent. i can’t say every hurt i’ve suffered has been worth it. i can’t say that when i die i will be better off for having lived past 10, or 14, or any year since.

but i’ve never regretted any decision i’ve made to stay. that’s not nothing. that’s reason enough to keep trying.

i hope that i will keep trying. i hope that i can. and i hope that some of you out here will do the same.

however hard it gets, i hope i will never regret it.

Processing your request, Please wait....
2 comments
0
Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsI Will SurviveStories of HopeStories of Loss

2019…..here we are

by mo992
written by mo992

I’ve tried to avoid posting for a while now. I’ve been dealing with quite a lot, mentally and physically. I felt that posting would make me feel even worse and paranoid. But here I am again.

2018 was quite slow. There were good things and a lot of painful experiences but I must admit that I wouldn’t have made it without my friends and community. The support they have given me is immense and I can in no way give back enough love to them. For a while I felt guilty, I still do. This feeling comes from the fact that even with all this love, I cannot guarantee that I won’t take my life. I cannot share this with anyone in my physical life so I share it here.

Does anyone feel this way? How do you overcome it?

I’m trying my best, really I am. My circumstances make it difficult to push ahead.

Processing your request, Please wait....
1 comment
0
I Will SurvivePoetry & Art

by Mac-10toSchool
written by Mac-10toSchool

She’s a drop of water

that doesnt believe in oceans or riversides;

A chameleon wearing a mask to distract

from the self she’s suppressing inside,

So eclipsed, so insistent on hiding the sun behind the shadows

It’s dark because the fire’s died-out.

She’s imprisoned in an invisible cell

forgot that she has the key

been there so damn long it seems normal to her

Doesn’t know how to set herself free

Why not move? Why not take some steps beyond those frightening doors?

It’s dark because the fire’s died-out,

But this light can be rekindled.

Processing your request, Please wait....
1 comment
0
Chronic PainI Will Survive

I’m afraid, just like everyone else. That’s the issue.

by BabyBlu
written by BabyBlu

I don’t know how much longer this joy will last. Hopefully until the end of the year, but I doubt it. Hey, at least I’m not completely empty… I feel like I’m just complaining for the sake of complaining, and that this isn’t real… I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, because I don’t think that it’s a big deal, or that I lie. I lie a lot. More than I should, about small things. Hell, my entire life is a goddamn lie at this point. Stuck between two choices, unable to listen to what my conflicting ideas are. I feel alone and wish I could reach out, yet I purposely close myself off. My own safety blanket has become my own fucking chain down to my issues. I hate this all… but I won’t go. I can’t. Too many people are counting on me. I have to be there for people. I won’t live for myself… I have to live for others. If that’s what it takes, so be it.

Processing your request, Please wait....
0 comment
0
I Will Survive

Life goes on

by Clayton Michaels
written by Clayton Michaels

I have less than two month to move out.  Evicted.  I have a crazy neighbor that’s been bullying me for years, I finally went off the deep end.  I’m lucky I haven’t been arrested, but I’m definitely kicked out of the building.

Got news today that my grandmother on father’s side passed away.  I was never that close to my father’s side of the family. or my father, but we’ve been trying to reconnect.  I remember she used to give me christmas ornaments every year when I was a kid.  They were pretty cool.

My emotions are scattered.  One minute I feel up to the challenge, the next I feel like giving up, but life is an adventure, it goes on.

I’m in better shape than I was a couple weeks ago when I found this page.  It’s a good place to be completely honest.  I’ve been in emotional and psychological pain my whole life.  I think most of us suicidal ideation want the pain to stop a lot more than we want to die.

If I were to kill myself, I would be robbing myself of that opportunity to eventually find peace.  It’s out there somewhere, sometimes in the form of a piece of music or a good meal.  Maybe someday I can find it in my home, maybe even a job.

I just have such a hard time getting along with people, but that’s another story.

Processing your request, Please wait....
0 comment
0
Coping SkillsI Will Survive

Maybe Not Yet

by Hiccup
written by Hiccup

Despite what I think of myself, I still have a reason or two to keep holding on. So maybe I’ll just stick around for now.

Processing your request, Please wait....
8 comments
0
Coping SkillsGeneralI Will Survive

Zoloft is my friend.

by NiceGuy2001
written by NiceGuy2001

A couple of weeks ago I had a major emotional meltdown. Sometimes a minor thing will trigger such things. Anyway, as soon as I got home, I completely fell apart. I didn’t think I would ever stop yelling and crying.

 

I think of my personal despair on a zero-to-ten scale: Zero being no despair, and ten being climbing up into my attic and putting a belt around my neck. On this particular evening I was up around a nine.

 

I knew something had to be done, so I was able to get a prescription for Zoloft (generic name sertraline). I’ve always been very leery about taking artificial happiness pills, so I told me doctor I wanted to start with a low dose. So now I’m on 25 mg per day, which is about the lowest dose anyone takes. While it had some noticeable effects at first, my doctor said I had to be on it for at least a week before I noticed a significant improvement in my overall mood. And she was right. It’s been good for me. It doesn’t mean I no longer get angry or bitter or sad, but it has made it much more manageable.

 

I have enough left for another two months or so. During this time I’m going to examine my feelings, get some therapy, and maybe get past this emotional crisis in my life.

 

I’m passing this along in case it helps anyone else. I you go through recurring periods of despair, as I am prone to, you may wish to try the same low-dose therapy I’m using. It seems to be working for me.

Processing your request, Please wait....
1 comment
0
Coping SkillsI Will SurvivePoetry & Art

flashback

by undoubtedly
written by undoubtedly

you were not even 13 years old when you planned your suicide. you were not even 15 years old when you seriously attempted your suicide.

i am here to tell you, younger me, that i am glad you are still around.

think about your mama. what would she feel like in this very moment, in these past few weeks when she has felt so low, if you were gone?

you were practically still a baby when someone touched you, a bad touch, a touch you didn’t like or want, and it made you feel so tainted.

listen to me. that is not what boys do when they like you. that was not your fault.

oh, my sweet little self, stop your crying. i know it hurts to see his face in the halls at school even to this day, but soon you’ll never go back there. you’ll never see him again.

you busted blood vessels in your knuckles with your teeth, scarred your skin thousands of times, ripped your hair until you had bald patches. you have been screamed at, spat at, hit, hurt, but you are still here.

you are still here.

you’ve got to stay, even when you don’t feel like you have anywhere you belong.

stay, stay.

Processing your request, Please wait....
3 comments
0
GeneralI Will SurviveRantsStories of Hope

I think my heart is giving me mixed signals

by sansfranzdeput
written by sansfranzdeput

I feel so lost right now: one of my few close friends- a girl- made me feel…………..special. We had just gone to see a marvel movie, and we were in the car, just chatting. I had previously mentioned to her passingly in the last week or so that I thought that I was going to being moving away soon, and she had reacted in a semi-sad, but mostly just bummed out way. But I brought the subject up again in the car, because I wanted to get her opinion on the whole thing. She started tearing up and sad that she’d really miss me. I didn’t believe it at first: I had long ago convinced myself that nobody could make me feel like they actually loved me, in any kind of relationship. But she meant it; she really did. I asked her why. She said because she thought I was a wonderful person, and that she could be “herself” in a sense around me. I said that I was a horrible person, and then I also teared up. A few seconds later, I was weeping into the armrest of my car, and she was holding my head in her hands, then my hand in her warm, living fingers.

I didn’t know what else to do. I had always dreamed of being deadly honest with someone I could trust to understand about what I went through every day of my life, but when it had actually happened, it was so surreal. I almost still believe that it was a dream or hallucination; that, or that she’ll back out of meeting again, or that I messed our friendship up somehow. I’ve been praying almost constantly about it and her, and her salvation- I am a Christian and she isn’t anything-, and I just can’t decide if I did the right thing by opening up to her like that.

It felt so good: it wasn’t awkward or sexual; just her crying with me, holding me; just us sharing hurt and making each other feel better. We shared memories and told each other hard stories nobody else knew.

I had always thought that she was like everyone else that I knew: fake, shallow, and not interested in real, painful things, let alone someone like me being so messed up and all. Sometimes I saw how different she was, but I was oblivious because she still did a lot of the same social lies others did. I had no idea she cared about me that much.

In that moment, she was more real that anybody I’d ever seen. It was exactly like being a baby again and finding literally NEW things, because it was that. Her face was different, so changed by crying; it made her real. I could hear her better now; feel her more as a person.

Basically, I desperately want to keep this going, keep opening up to her, and help her as she helps me, but I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do. I don’t want to lead her on into thinking I “like” her; I might still move; and I am afraid of her rejecting or not “understanding” something about me enough. Anyone care? Is anyone here to share an opinion or give their piece of pie advice?

 

Ukina Yakisoba,

Saint Elect

Processing your request, Please wait....
7 comments
0
I Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRants

Until your dead

by thelonergirl123
written by thelonergirl123

Why is it when you suddenly die, everyone is like oh “she was so loved” or “I’m going to miss her”.   Am I the only one thinking you’ll miss throwing stuff at her and posting on the hate page you created about her. I guess once you die people just love to hear “I’m so sorry for your loss” and get attention off of your death at least that’s what they’re doing with hers.

Processing your request, Please wait....
1 comment
0
GeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRants

70k+ posts

by Yikrens
written by Yikrens

i know a music thread with 60000 posts.

this page here is different. 2 user do not make of about 20% of that entries, guessed.

it is impossible to have a overview about. do you think that’s with the no partners rule?

i’m critical about if I use this page right or if the support can explain me. i maybe just lack suicidality and fear of free things..

Processing your request, Please wait....
2 comments
0
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveStories of Hope

Against the grain

by lonewolf23
written by lonewolf23

It’s tough when your going through changes. It seems everyone wants to hold you back. As somebody with social anxiety it can get exhausting when others hate on you for breaking your shell. Many of these people are not even the social ones but rather the other quiet ones. They give me dirty looks that seem to be saying “You’re a loner, don’t even try!”. They may have given up hope but I still haven’t. I know i can overcome i Social anxiety. These days i just embrace all the weird feelings that come along with getting out of my comfort zone. And although I’ve been fighting this for 4 years now….I’ve made some pretty dramatic improvements. People keep trying to disencourage me but I keep trying everyday. I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve made many social interactions awkward, but i learned something each time and i continue learning. I’ve actually learned enough to the point where on somedays i don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable with my behaviour. And it’s not like I’m forcing myself to do this. I don’t like being in a shell, I actually love conversating with people. I am willing to admit that social situations terrify me sometimes. And i believe that’s what has allowed me to make progress. I started being honest with myself and i quit pretending like i didn’t want to join in on chats. I quit pretending like i was too busy on my smartphone to talk. I quit wearing earbuds as a defense mechanism. Today i was sitting alone at a table and i felt lonely so i got up and joined another group of people at a different table. I didn’t die, nobody told me to fuck off or respond in any negative way. But in my mind i was thinking “everyone knows I’m a loser for sitting alone” and that’s the kind of negative self talk that has trapped me in isolation for so long back in high school. Yeah it’s tough but i ain’t giving up. Somedays i feel like crying from all the embarrassment but i keep going. Somedays people make fun of me but then i come back the next day with a big smile on my face like it didn’t faze me. I know i ain’t the only one with SA so if you have SA i just wanna tell you that it is possible to overcome this. I ain’t there yet but I’m seeing drastic changes in myself. If somebody as socially anxious as me can heal then you can too. I used to be too scared to come out my house. I was so afraid of people. But i just took that first step and the rest followed afterwards. It ain’t easy but it’s worth it. You will feel like giving up, people will piss you off, people will make you sad, but that don’t matter because that’s just part of the process. It sounds simple but just don’t give up.

Processing your request, Please wait....
1 comment
0
GeneralI Will SurviveStories of Hope

The Cycle

by arachnophilia
written by arachnophilia

I think I’m starting to cope a little better. It used to be that I’d get sucked completely under and nearly destroy myself in times like this. Then I got to the point where I could just wearily plod on with life, slow and difficult as the terrain is. The tide’s come in again, and I feel like garbage swirling in the sea, but I think this is the first time I haven’t been afraid of it. I can take a step back and think “This is just a sign I need to adjust some things; I only need to stay calm and find out what they are.” I’ve never thought this before. And of course it’s still hard–so hard–to get out of bed and do things. I still want to procrastinate and just let my life fall to pieces and die, but I’m getting better.

Processing your request, Please wait....
0 comment
0
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveRants

The despair is starting to lift a bit.

by NiceGuy2001
written by NiceGuy2001

When New Years Eve arrives, IF it arrives for me, I think I will be very happy to say goodbye to 2018, because this year has been the most difficult and painful year of my entire life.

The despair hit me again a couple of days ago. Every time the despair hits, it wears me down a little bit more, and sometimes I think there will be nothing left. And this time the despair was pretty bad. On the one-to-ten scale of despair, this was about an eight. But it’s starting to lift a bit. I hope I can hold on. If I don’t, I think I’ll end up climbing up into the attic and putting a belt around my neck.

I’m a 59 year old Gay man. I’ve been through two five year relationships, both of which ended when my boyfriends decided that the grass on the other side of the fence was just a little bit greener. It’s been 14 years now since I’ve had the simple pleasure of waking up in the morning WITH someone else. In recent years I’ve been coming to grips with the prospect of finishing out what little is left of my life alone and unloved, but if that’s to be the case, the least I can do is be the best, most loving and kind and generous and loyal friend to as many people as I can be … so that when it’s finally my time to go, I’ll be spoken of and remembered well. I think that’s all any of us could ever ask for.

I have a Straight friend who I’ve known for almost four years. He’s always treated me with kindness and respect. He’s 50 years old, and a few years ago he was diagnosed with a cancer called mantle cell lymphoma. He can expect to live another three or four years, but so far he’s doing okay. In 2017 he agreed to accompany me down to Tennessee to watch the Great Solar Eclipse of 2017, it was arguably the most amazing experience of my life, and I’m glad I got to share it with him. We play backgammon all the time, and we’ve always had a very easygoing friendship. At the little dive we most often see each other at, people know us as The Backgammon Guys.

Except … early this year I realized I had fallen in love with him, that I realized I was thinking about him ALL THE TIME. And that’s when I really started to PANIC. I got online and was Googling words and phrases in a desperate attempt to find a website or a discussion group or SOMETHING that could help me make sense of it and help me sort it out. I was like, “I can’t believe this is happening to me! I didn’t WANT this! What do I do? What do I DO???”

And sure enough, the answers started coming in, and none of them were good answers. This sort of thing happens, the unrequited love. How could I fall in love with someone who not only DIDN’T love me, but who was INCAPABLE of loving me? The panic turned to pain, and the pain turned to despair. And the only options were:

1: Suffer through it, sort through it, and eventually try to get over it …. OR

2: Walk away from it, and stay as far away from him as I can.

And couldn’t walk away from it, because I promised myself that I would always be there for him, whatever the future held as far as his health was concerned. And if I walked away from it, all of our mutual friends would be hurt and confused about what had happened between us. So I decided to suffer in silence.

And I have suffered mightily. I have cried more over the past seven months than I have over the past 17 YEARS. And I have learned some very ugly things about myself, mostly my capacity for JEALOUSY. I’ve never had to deal with this kind of jealousy in my entire life … until now. And it’s the most horrible thing in the world. I’m so ashamed of myself. The whole thing is hopeless and pointless and stupid and embarrassing and unfair, and there’s no logic in it whatsoever. But then again, no one ever said the human heart was logical.

Some days are better than others. I usually think about how I’m feeling on the 1-10 scale of despair. Sometimes it will be a 2, other times closer to a 4 or 5. THIS time it has been an 8. Thankfully the despair is starting to abate a bit, for now. But I know it will hit me again, and every time it hits, it wears me down a little bit more. I was pretty scared this time. I know that suicide would cause a huge amount of pain to my family and the other important friends in my life, more pain than I could wish on anyone, but I wonder how much longer I can cope with this. Will I even finally break on through to the other side and put it behind me? As many emotional breakthroughs as I’ve had, the despair eventually hits me again. I’m so tired.

I was at a health clinic recently, and I saw a suicide prevention poster on the wall in the waiting room. It listed 12 warning signs of suicide. I got 10 out of 12.

Processing your request, Please wait....
2 comments
0
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

Life is boring , Reality is boring , real life is boring , real world is boring

by niki
written by niki

Especially when you’ve realized that nothing we do here in reality will ever compare to our imaginations. And no, I’m not talking about petty, shallow, superficial, & stupid imaginations like most people only have with their simple-minded brains. I’m talking about all those best fantasy movies, games, novels, comic books, anime/manga, etc, with all their magic, superpowers, & magical, fantasy, adventurous world/universe with its limitless, unlimited possibilities.

Fuck this reality.
Reality is boring, stupid, & depressing.

reality is boring , life is boring ,
it’s all about money
i hate money
i hate business
i wish i live in the movie game anime manga novel comics books

I hate reality , reality is boring !
I hate real life , real life is boring !
I hate real world , real world is boring !

I wish I live in movie / movies , I wish movies were real
I wish I live in video games , I wish games were real
I wish I live in novels , I wish novels were real
I wish I live in anime , I wish anime was / were real
I wish I live in manga , I wish manga was / were real
I wish I live in fairy tale , I wish fairy tale was / were real
I wish I live in fantasy , I wish fantasy was / were real
I wish I live in Imagination , I wish Imagination was / were / is real

I wish magic was real , I wish magic were real , I wish magic is real , I wish magic really exist
I wish superpower was real , I wish superpowers were real , I wish superpower is real , I wish superpower really exist
I wish superhero was real , I wish superheroes were real , I wish superhero is real , I wish superheroes really exist , I wish superhero really exist
I wish science fiction was real , I wish science-fiction were real , I wish sci fi is real , I wish sci-fi really exist
I wish fairy tale was real , I wish fairy tales were real , I wish fairy tale is real , I wish fairy tales really exist
I wish dragon was real , I wish dragons were real , I wish dragon is real , I wish dragons really exist
I wish fantasy was real , I wish fantasy were real , I wish fantasy is real , I wish fantasy really exist
I wish

Movie is better than reality , movie is better than real life , movie is better than real world
Video games is better than reality , video games is better than real life , video games is better than real world
Anime is better than reality , anime is better than real life , anime is better than real world
Comics books is better than reality , comic books is better than real life , comics is better than real world
Manga is better than reality , manga is better than real life , manga is better than real world
Novel is better than reality , novel is better than real life , novel is better than real world
Science fiction is better than reality , science-fiction is better than real life , sci-fi is better than real world
Fantasy is better than reality , fantasy is better than real life , fantasy is better than real world

I wish Harry Potter was real , I wish Harry Potter were real , I wish Harry Potter is real
I wish I live in Harry Potter universe , I wish I live in Hogwarts , I want to live in Hogwarts , I want to live at Hogwarts , I want to be in Hogwarts ,
I want to live in the Harry Potter universe

I wish Avengers was real , I wish The Avengers were real , I wish The Avengers is real , I wish The Avengers are real
I wish I live in The Avengers universe , I wish I live in Marvel universe , I wish I live in MCEU universe
I want to live in The Avengers universe , I want to live in MCEU universe

.

I wish Virtual Reality (VR) is real to escape boring reality
I want Virtual Reality (VR) real to escape boring real life
Virtual Reality (VR) real to escape boring real world
I hope Virtual Reality (VR) progress real to escape boring mundane reality

I wish Augmented Reality (AR) is real to escape boring reality
I want Augmented Reality (AR) real to escape boring real world
Augmented Reality (AR) real to escape boring real life
I hope Augmented Reality (AR) progress real to escape boring mundane reality

I wish Artificial Intelligence (AI) is real to escape boring reality
I want Artificial Intelligence (AI) real to escape boring real life
Artificial Intelligence (AI) real to escape boring real world
I hope Artificial Intelligence (AI) progress real to escape boring mundane reality

I wish Transhumanism is real to escape boring reality
I want Transhumanism real to escape boring real world
Transhumanism real to escape boring real life
I hope Transhumanism progress real to escape boring mundane reality

Processing your request, Please wait....
7 comments
0
GeneralI Will SurviveStories of Hope

No one would Listen

by LostGirl1981
written by LostGirl1981

I needed someone to hear me. No one would listen. My mother ignored me when I told her I had been sexually abused by her stepfather. Then KNEW it was happening and turned a blind eye yet again as I was being Sexually assaulted by a “family friend”.
I started to break. As more adults discovered I was being molested and raped by this family friend and no one helped me. Adults who now wouldn’t let their daughters spend the night anymore but yet still didn’t, or wouldn’t, help me. The didn’t Stop it. Did not report it  or talk to my parents. My Dad for instance had no idea it was happening.  All these adults were Letting it happen.  I felt less than worthless.
So I took as many pill as I could find one morning. Anything to stop the pain, to drown the shame and the horror. I didn’t care what they were or what they were for I took 33 pills. A combination of pain pills, muscle relaxers and other pills in my parents medicine cabinet. Even though I was acting off my mother sent me to school. Where my friends and teacher noticed something was wrong with me. I told a friend I took some pain pills. I could barely keep my eyes open or focus. When I couldn’t tell her what or how many pills she Told the teacher. I was rushed to the hospital barely conscious and not at all coherent in an ambulance. Where my stomach was pumped and I was placed on a Psychiatric hold. Then Transferred to a mental facility for teenagers. Where I stayed for weeks. My friends at school thought I had died. My parents and family were pretty broken.   My mom finally had to face what was being done.  And my poor Dad found out for the first time the horror his baby girl endured.  But I strangely enough felt safe for the first time in a long time surrounded by all those crazy and broken people. No one was molesting me. Sneaking into my room at night and climbing on top of me. Smoking in the doorway before he began his assault. Even being on Constant surveillance where they even had to stay in the room when I BATHED I still felt less violated and more safe. I got some help.   Someone finally listened to me.   Made the rapes and horror stop. Better yet we moved and I got away from the man assaulting me and every person who did nothing to save a 14 year old girl. And now that I am old enough Distance between me and the one person who should have helped me most, My mother.

So now I speak up.   Now I stand up.   People can only break me if I remain silent.   I found peace.   And family.

It can get better and I am glad that 14 year old girl did not succeed.  Because Now I know sex can be wonderful.   And isn’t something that only leaves you feeling pain, shame and horror.    I got to become the mother I should have had.   And the person who would never let a child endure such horror as I did.

Processing your request, Please wait....
2 comments
0
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors

reality is boring , life is boring , it’s all about money , i hate money , i hate business , i wish i live in the movie game anime manga novel comics books

by niki
written by niki

reality is boring , life is boring , it’s all about money , i hate money , i hate business , i wish i live in the movie game anime manga novel comics books

I hate reality , reality is boring !
I hate real life , real life is boring !
I hate real world , real world is boring !

I wish I live in movie / movies , I wish movies were real
I wish I live in video games , I wish games were real
I wish I live in novels , I wish novels were real
I wish I live in anime , I wish anime was / were real
I wish I live in manga , I wish manga was / were real
I wish I live in fairy tale , I wish fairy tale was / were real
I wish I live in fantasy , I wish fantasy was / were real
I wish I live in Imagination , I wish Imagination was / were / is real

I wish magic was real , I wish magic were real , I wish magic is real , I wish magic really exist
I wish superpower was real , I wish superpowers were real , I wish superpower is real , I wish superpower really exist
I wish superhero was real , I wish superheroes were real , I wish superhero is real , I wish superheroes really exist , I wish superhero really exist
I wish science fiction was real , I wish science-fiction were real , I wish sci fi is real , I wish sci-fi really exist
I wish fairy tale was real , I wish fairy tales were real , I wish fairy tale is real , I wish fairy tales really exist
I wish dragon was real , I wish dragons were real , I wish dragon is real , I wish dragons really exist
I wish fantasy was real , I wish fantasy were real , I wish fantasy is real , I wish fantasy really exist
I wish

Movie is better than reality , movie is better than real life , movie is better than real world
Video games is better than reality , video games is better than real life , video games is better than real world
Anime is better than reality , anime is better than real life , anime is better than real world
Comics books is better than reality , comic books is better than real life , comics is better than real world
Manga is better than reality , manga is better than real life , manga is better than real world
Novel is better than reality , novel is better than real life , novel is better than real world
Science fiction is better than reality , science-fiction is better than real life , sci-fi is better than real world
Fantasy is better than reality , fantasy is better than real life , fantasy is better than real world

I wish Harry Potter was real , I wish Harry Potter were real , I wish Harry Potter is real
I wish I live in Harry Potter universe , I wish I live in Hogwarts , I want to live in Hogwarts , I want to live at Hogwarts , I want to be in Hogwarts ,
I want to live in the Harry Potter universe

I wish Avengers was real , I wish The Avengers were real , I wish The Avengers is real , I wish The Avengers are real
I wish I live in The Avengers universe , I wish I live in Marvel universe , I wish I live in MCEU universe
I want to live in The Avengers universe , I want to live in MCEU universe

.

I wish Virtual Reality (VR) is real to escape boring reality
I want Virtual Reality (VR) real to escape boring real life
Virtual Reality (VR) real to escape boring real world
I hope Virtual Reality (VR) progress real to escape boring mundane reality

I wish Augmented Reality (AR) is real to escape boring reality
I want Augmented Reality (AR) real to escape boring real world
Augmented Reality (AR) real to escape boring real life
I hope Augmented Reality (AR) progress real to escape boring mundane reality

I wish Artificial Intelligence (AI) is real to escape boring reality
I want Artificial Intelligence (AI) real to escape boring real life
Artificial Intelligence (AI) real to escape boring real world
I hope Artificial Intelligence (AI) progress real to escape boring mundane reality

I wish Transhumanism is real to escape boring reality
I want Transhumanism real to escape boring real world
Transhumanism real to escape boring real life
I hope Transhumanism progress real to escape boring mundane reality

Processing your request, Please wait....
3 comments
0
Coping SkillsGeneralI Will SurviveRants

Social Anxiety is an asshole

by sansfranzdeput
written by sansfranzdeput

The title makes the theme pretty clear: I have buttloads of Social Anxiety, and it is a living Hell dealing with, ignoring, or confronting it on a daily, and sometimes, hourly basis. I have battled against it my whole memorable life, and I’ve had it up to here- *raises hand to tippy top of head* -with all the bullshit.

I had an amazing day today/yesterday, but all I can think about, all the thoughts I can conjure and obsess over are, “what if I fucked it up? What if the people I talked to and had coffee with in that wonderful, cozy cafe think I am too much, or even worse, can never bring themselves to understand who I am?”. It keeps running through my head, over and over and over again: “You messed it up man; you done fucked up. She won’t really want to be friends with you, let alone like who you are for you. You might as well become reclusive and quit before she leaves you like the rest do.” I always go too fast; come on too hard for people, and it blows up in my face. I’ve never gotten along with shallow people; and, though I admit I have hated them off and on, in the end, them and I just don’t mix well- and that leaves me with a very “shallow” pool of people to choose from: the damaged folk, who’re unable to give back in a friendship; the “I’m just like you, but live way the fuck far away” folk, who, for clear reasons, cannot be in the picture; and, lastly, and definitely least, the end. That’s it; there aren’t any more people.

 

The worst part is that I cannot make it alone: I really, really want to be able to do that, and I am VERY introverted- though pretend to be an Extrovert to please other people-, but I desperately wish for and desire a few close, understanding, and intimate friends; and, in the long run, a gf/wife. But, as I have for so long, I must wait. I am okay with that, I just wish today was the day; I just wish that this hour was the hour. But, that isn’t how the world or God works.

Thanks for getting this far- *waves to nobody- no one read this*. I hope your lives are at least a bit better than mine.

 

Appreciate those in your life who love you, and whom you love.

 

Todd Barker

Processing your request, Please wait....
6 comments
0
I Will SurviveStories of Hope

It gets better

by unicornsandrainbows
written by unicornsandrainbows

I am writing this hoping that it will touch someone going through a hard time. I have struggled with chronic depression for a little over 10 years now. From self-inflicting harm to suicide attempts, I have had my fair share of ups and downs.

I also suffer from fibromyalgia, and those who can relate know how terrible it is. For a long time I would come home from work and/or school crying because I was in so much pain all the time. My grades were being affected, my social life was being affected, and more importantly my mental state was being affected. I finally decided to seek help to see what was wrong. After blood tests, MRI’s, and multiple trips to the doctor they found nothing wrong with me and what doctor would believe that a 22 year old would have fibromyalgia? I was given some meds to help with the body aches and the headaches that I would have 24/7 and after about 2 weeks…. I still felt the same. I became depressed, so depressed that I was to the point of giving up. I knew that I would not feel the pain I was feeling every day if I were dead. I knew the meds that I was given would do the job if I took enough.

I could feel myself leaving my body that night, I knew I was so close to dying but something inside of me didn’t want to leave this Earth. When I woke up that morning, although sick to my stomach and very disoriented, I knew I was meant to be here. I know I have a purpose in this life and I am going to fulfill it.

Not too long after my attempt, I got myself on a diet. I exercised more. I got out and did the things I enjoyed more. I started to love my job and became more social. I started to feel so much better.

I learned  that with mental illness you do not need medication to help yourself feel better, you just need to do the things that make you happy. Trust me, I know its hard and I still have trouble with it most days, but I know that it gets better.

 

Processing your request, Please wait....
1 comment
0
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveRantsStories of Hope

I feel hopeful

by NotSoSuicidalNoMoe
written by NotSoSuicidalNoMoe

I started taking this drug my psychologists prescribed me. I was initially very hesitant to try it since she said my skin could fall off ? (though the chances of it happening were very low –and if I saw any rashes in my skin to immediately go to the ER and it would not get to that point). But I had a horrible episode a few days ago. I spoke with my boyfriend, Eric, about it. I told him how I felt and why I wasn’t so open with him. I told him that I didn’t want to stress him out or to see him cry. He told me something that no one has ever said to me. He told me that he didn’t want me to experience the pain alone. No one had ever said that to me. It made me realized that is how I feel every time I ask him about a bad work day he has had: I don’t want him to experience it alone, and I want to be his support. It also made me realized if he were suicidal, I would want to know immediately. So I opened up to him.

Anyways, I have only been taking it the medicine for a week now, and I feel hopeful. I have begun to care about work. I no longer feel like I don’t have to try because “I’m going to end it soon, so what’s the point of trying.” I want to be more participant now, more involved. I feel hopeful.

Processing your request, Please wait....
3 comments
0
Newer Posts
Older Posts