I did this, you can too.
All I am doing is praying that I don’t fuck up my next relationship. I’m only two weeks shy of 21 but my past relationships have made me exhausted. I’m starting to not believe in love anymore. I want to get married and have children with the right person but I don’t know how to stop investing in the wrong people
When I was born, I had less weight on me then I was supposed to, and don’t get me wrong I understand other people went through this too. I also understand that people go through being teased and being taunted about their weight throughout their lives. But I want to help you understand what it’s like to be black and underweight. I am currently 13 years old, and I weigh 73 pounds. The average for a thirteen year old (f) is 82-137 pounds. Now I feel like you can believe what you want to believe when it comes to normalcy to 13 teen year old (f) weight, but when we go by how light/heavy “we” are supposed to be I am obviously underweight. Below there will be a list of all the things weight has done to me in middle school, if you wouldn’t like to see that then SKIP to the next BOLD title. (warning: they’re all stories/paragraphs)
Hi guys, my name is Bianca and this is a story of my struggles with anxiety, depression, bipolar, anorexia, and then SUICIDE. when i was 6 my parents abandoned me at the doorstep of a strangers house. The last thing they said to me was that they hated me… That i was a mistake… that i was a disappointment… then they drove away. the people who owned the house saw and heard the whole thing and took me inside. I lived with them for 3 weeks then the put me in the hands of social services to find me a forever home. I stopped eating, i never talked, i couldn’t smile or laugh. because of that i was put in a mental hospital to see if they could cure me. I started cutting at the age of 9… i had already given up on life. i attempted suicide for the first time when i was 11,and then twice when i was 13. it hurt so much… i wanted to die so badly but i kept getting found. i am now 14 and cutting but i can talk now and i am undergoing therapy and counselling. i have been in 24 foster homes and am still moving but i have stayed in one place now for 5 months (its the longest i have stayed in one place) and i hope that this one is the last one.
this is so true
pill 2 and pill 8
3x more now
I’m 12 a year old girl. Four years ago my parents split and a year later, my mom died. I was left with my father, who’s addicted to smoking and drinking and has a girlfriend who’s half his age. I get migraines and mental breakdowns a lot, and everyone thinks I’m fine at school because I get good grades and I’m pretty nice and funny. I will not tell anybody about this without being anonymous, especially a therapist, because when my parents were divorcing, the court ordered that I had to go to therapy or something. I’d been through 4 therapists before my dad decided to force me to go to group therapy, which was uncomfortable and I missed a lot of school because of it. Nobody knows about this, and my dad’s girlfriend is actually afraid to talk to me because she’s only with my dad because he spoils her (and doesn’t really give a shit about me) and she thinks I’m like him. I don’t really know but I think I might have depression and I can’t tell anyone. At this point I just want to die. Literally the only things that keep me going are my friends and (lmao) my crush…
To climb out of the wreckage of lies, deception and willful betrayal and duplicity. To perceive who someone really is under their ingenuous disguise of innocent princess playing the victim. Covert narcissism runs deep in a traumatized mind. I’ll burn the whole world down to achieve my success and realize my nocturnal dreams to reality. I’ll be damned if I let the insidious lies of a miserably trapped, cognitively dissonant, neurotically insipid, and untreated psychotic disassemble my life. The fire inside of me rages with flames of pride, dignity, and truth of self. The distinctive I. I, Ryze. And I know the Creator. My I is one with the I of the Creator guiding my life. The eternal flame feeding the infinite creativity intrinsic to my nature. I, comatose. Yet I, ryze despite the adversity, opposition and social control. The truth is a terrible thing and you hid too many secrets. My allegiance is to the eminent self, and the transcendent entity. Your allegiances speak for themselves in your poisonous actions, words, and doublespeak. Hidden behind your veil of delusions of grandeur, your grandiose ego and superficial machinations of a personality. Fuck you. I refuse to be held down. This is a declaration to MY future!
I am a suicidal survivor. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though. You think that once you have finally made it past being suicidal and depressed that you’ll always feel better; there are no simple fixes to being mentally broken. It’s not a broken bone that will one day heal. Even though I do not actively want to die, i’ll hear a song, or watch a show that I watched or listened to when I was hurting and depressed and I will spiral down the rabbit hole once more. The emptiness still lingers, and I still have thoughts. When a person becomes that dark, that hurt, to want to die you never fully heal from it. Right now as I am typing this out in hopes someone out there will read this and relate to what I am saying, I feel that deep empty feeling like I don’t have anything inside of me. It hurts. In my head I acknowledge the fact that there are times I can be happy, but there’s something dragging, weighing on me. A heavy weight that’s impossible to fully get off. Yes, I hate life. I hate so many things about it. I hate feelings. I hate mental disabilities. I hate my chronic illnesses. I hate my Misophonia. I hate social anxiety, I hate loneliness. I hate responsibilities. I hate the fact that I still have so many years on this god forsaken earth. I hate how people treat other people, and animals. Life is not easy. It’s not simple. It’s not nice. Those who think the world is beautiful and amazing have never been through anything traumatic. They will never have a deep understanding of people, or emotions. Emotions are deep, they are all we have to create morals and our beliefs. People who suffer from suicidal thoughts, or depression, or anxiety, or any mental disability have a deeper understanding of life, of the world. We see through peoples fake smiles, and long sleeves during summer. We notice things other “normal” people wouldn’t. I am grateful for what I have been through because it has taught me so much about the world, the people who inhabit it, and the beautiful aspects, the ugly aspects, and the importance of how you act and the impact that has on others. We grow up, and mature too fast. We don’t have the luxury of being “carefree”. What we go through has changed us, and shape us into the people we become. You can dwell on your past or look toward the future. It’s damn hard to do so, though. There are still “triggers” and feelings of hopelessness, and depression. When you’re alone in the dark with all of your thoughts, we tend to think about everything. It’s scary to be alone, because you have nothing to distract you from your thoughts and feelings… It’s hard, no doubt. It hurts. I hated myself, still do sometimes. I’ll look in the mirror, or a reflection and shame myself for how I look, or who I am. Someone will get mad at me and yell about what an awful person I am, and I will want to die. Thinking about how easy it would be to kill myself, how much better off I, and everyone around me would be. Then I think about my mother, and my sister, and my brother, my grandmother, and the rest of my family who hasn’t disowned me or talked shit about me. If I leave, my dog will grieve himself to death, and have no one to look after him and his brother from another species, Lucifurr. My grandmother will become very depressed. My sister would have nobody besides my mother, who is dying of emphysema. My brother will lose his little sister, and my niece will have nobody to look after her, and hold her when she cries, or love her unconditionally like I do. My niece will never remember who I am as she’s only nine months old. She’ll never know how many times she’s slept in my room, how many times she’s fallen asleep holding onto me, how many laughs i’ve made her laugh. How many times she’s been angry with me. She’s the one i’m living for. I’m looking forward to scaring her first boyfriend, because she’s so pretty with her little dimples and a smile that lights up the room. I’ll never get to cry as she goes to kindergarten. Or watch as she takes her diploma, and lives the best life she can. I’ll never be able to comfort her after a breakup, or force her to listen to my favorite bands. I’ll never get to see her grow up. I’ll never watch my sister give me a niece, or nephew. I wouldn’t get to see my sister be happy, for once. I don’t live an apple pie, white picked fence kind of life. My mother hates the person I’ve become, smoking weed, cigarettes, and drinking just to cope with life at almost seventeen years old. I don’t have a job because I don’t have the money to get my birth certificate for an ID. I watched my father die in front of me as the ambulance rolled him into the back of the truck, after they hauled him off of a roof, as he owned a roofing company. I was nine years old. I am watching my bedridden mother slowly die of COPD and Emphysema. You know that feeling when you can feel your heart breaking and the air in your throat getting thicker. When you can feel how hurt you are. It’s the worst feeling in the world to be trapped inside your own head. Knowing your intentions are so pure, but yet nobody understands. I feel it coming on now, the tears. The pain. So no, the pain, the thoughts, the never fully go away. You’re allowed a mental breakdown every once in a while. You deserve it. You are not the people others’ say you are. You are beautiful and are filled with an unbearable weight, for that i am deeply sorry. I understand how it feels to be lonely, and hurt. The pain that doesn’t go away. Even after you heal, it still knocks. It knocks at your weakest moments, dragging you into darkness, the darkness of your mind is the loneliest, and most horrific feelings of all time. Yes, physical pain hurts but it heals. You don’t feel the pain anymore after a while. Mental pain never goes away and it never heals, we just find better coping strategies. We hope we don’t break everything we touch, we distance ourselves from other people. We hurt in silence. I hate going to bed wondering if everything will ever be okay. I’m sorry, guys. I really am. If anyone even reads this, and needs to talk, private message me on instagram Fuck_the_world_11_27_18
I was talking to a friend’s friends today at lunch. One of them was complaining about how women have all the power when it comes to sexual assault. How women can make false claims as they please and ruin a guy’s life…
I was fuming.
He brought up the example of one girl who made a false sexual assault claim that temporarily tainted the guy’s reputation. What he left out was the daily sexual assaults that girls from our school go through. He left out how often girls cry in bathroom stalls and get blamed, mocked, ad stared at if they come out with their sexual assault story. He meant to leave out the one girl who got her ass slapped while his friends were laughing, making her powerful stance seem like an act. He left out the girl who was told she was “asking for it” by OTHER GIRLS when she wore shorts and a guy decided to comment on her ass. He left out the times ninth graders would make comments about me, saying things along the lines of “I wish you wore thongs more often” and “I like your bra today, sweetheart”.
He pities the men that have to deal with false claims and get their lives ruined. He thinks that every girl that accuses a guy of sexual assault gets justice, that every guy gets jail time. That every girl TELLS PEOPLE when they get sexually assaulted.
I wanted to spit it in his face.
My brother sexually assaulted me. And there’s nothing I, or anyone, can do about it. No one is helping me. Everyone wants to forget about it. But I cannot.
The Me Too mouvement has given us a platform, a voice. It has given us women the space to tell our stories and bring awareness to behavioural misconduct.
But it has not given us the confidence to enter a man’s house alone. Or walk alone at night. Or walk around braless in front of our uncles. Or, in my case, brother.
And that’s why it’s far from over.
Title: AI in the future / A.I in the future / Artificial Intelligence in the future ; VR in the future / V.R in the future / Virtual Reality in the future ; Transhumanism in the future ; technology in the future ; Life is boring ; Life sucks ; escape from reality
The more detailed post:
AI is the future
A.I is the future
Artificial Intelligence is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real life is boring / real world is boring
VR is the future
V.R is the future
Virtual Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real-life is boring / real-world is boring
AR is the future
A.R is the future
Augmented Reality is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / reallife is boring / realworld is boring
Transhumanism is the future
Transhumanist is the future
Life is boring
reality is boring
reallife is boring
realworld is boring
Future technology
Technology in the future ?
Technology is the future ?
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why you fall even deeper and that’s when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out.
All satisfaction is gone.
The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless.
Even the simplest tasks become painful.
And that is why you lack motivation.
Now… Why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway?
All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle.
Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion.
Days become indistinguishable…
Just white noise, just… heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body.
You feel as though you’ll never be happy again.
You continue to back away and destroy relationships.
You’re ashamed for everything you’ve done and everything you haven’t.
There is a part of you that wants to make things right.
A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but… it’s all very short-lived because you know it won’t work anyway.
Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies between you.
Another failure is not an option, so in the end, you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions.
The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable.
You finally realize you can’t go on that way and two things can happen:
You either decide to get some help or you…. might attempt a suicide.
The thing with Paranoid schizophrenia is that you can never tell what’s real and what’s fake and the voices tell you that the people are coming to get you or that people are talking about hurting you or if you don’t do what they say your family will be hurt you believe the voices because they seem so real sometimes you see things that seem real too they are sometimes dark figures or people the only thing that really helps me is to think about things I like or blog it
I wanna see it happening. To see that I’m not just a sad story. That it’s real. I want to feel alive. I want to feel that there’s something for me out there. Something that will make me keep on going, keep on moving forward. Like Charlie did. I want to have someone to love and to be loved back. I want to have someone that will like the real me. That can see me, see through my eyes without even asking what’s wrong with me. I want to feel that I can live. To live with much love and hope like Charlie did. Like Charlie did…
the one thing i literally cannot stand is when i try to reach out or vent or share my story people make it about themselves literally nothing can ever be about me i have to beg my parents to buy me things like food and soap and shoes and i have to beg them to take me to the doctor or get me school supplies if i ever reach out to people they start talking about their own shit and it’s really fucking invalidating and doesn’t help me at all nobody has lived my life nobody has been through the exact same situations i don’t wanna fucking hear about your problems when im in my own crisis no offense but i could fucking care less i don’t give a fuck if yoga and mindfulness makes you feel good ive been in and out of hospitals and therapists i know all the techniques and they don’t do shit because my brain is defective my needs are not met and nobody takes me seriously i wish i had been aborted because i don’t even have a life of my own im just put here to serve others in exchange for them giving me the bare minimum necessities and i fucking hate when people make assumptions about me don’t say that im obviously not going to kill myself because i posted on this website instead of attempting i don’t really want to kill myself because i know things could get better but when you say im just seeking attention it makes me more suicidal i wouldnt expect people on this site to say this but surprise my fucking defective bipolar ass brain tells me suicide would be easier than riding the wave if i kill myself i will be more of a disappointment than i already am you don’t fucking know me so don’t act like you do just because i feel suicidal doesn’t mean i want to fucking try to kill myself i don’t want to let these feelings win i want to get better but fuck all the cards are stacked against me
If you dont feel loved today
Or maybe yesterday
Or maybe since you are a kid
Try to believe
One day someone will find you as precious
Or love you more than theirself
And even give you her/his everything just to make you smile
Just wait until that times come
Even in your worst condition
Believe me
You will find someone who love you
He/she will love you
Just the worst you are
Just the bad you are
And just how you still breathing
He/she will trust you
He/she will love you
Another day. I made it. Everything’s as usual. Some things sucks but some are getting better. I’m just hoping that i would at some point would feel different than i was yesterday. Like a happy story in some books or movies. I’m trying to be like i’m not a sad story. I mean, there were moments that i felt that i succeeded but at the end of the day, all came back. When i lay down in bed, these thoughts and feelings haunt me. I didn’t know what to do. So here i am. Writing this and hoping that somewhere someone is feeling the same thing and that i’m not alone. That I’m just a normal person having the same normal feeling like everybody else. Hoping that someone out there would understand me and would say “Hey, you’re okay. I’m here. You’re not alone. Let’s talk”.
Been thinking a lot lately. It’s like I’m a stranger in my own mind and my thoughts are just flowing and i can’t control it. I can’t even sleep till it’s 4 am. Why? Cos I’m not okay. I guess I’ve never been okay. I just pretend to be okay to feel that I’m okay. Fake it till you make it as they say. But how long? Cos no one dared to notice. No one sees me like really see me. But it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m okay.
I was watching a video of people answering this question and id wish someone would ask me this, but id like to answer anyways. Im smiling, breathing, laughing with everyone around. but how am I really when I wake up each morning and as I lie in my bed before going to sleep. with all the thoughts running through my mind.
im almost nineteen. as I get older each year I realize more and more that I don’t know what I actually want to do. I don’t know what my future holds or what ill end up doing. I have these goals and dreams, I want to do this and that. but I truly don’t know what or how im going to achieve those goals. im going to college, which is a step closer, but im not sure how far that’ll get me. because if im being completely honest with myself.. I am doing shit in school right now. I was put in academic probation after my first semester because of how horrible my grades were. and what caused that.. I was depressed most of the semester, missed plenty of classes because I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t have the motivation to do so, I had the mentality that I was going to drop out and kill myself anyways so why keep trying. this got the best of me and I let assignment after assignment go by without a thought. this semester I began trying a lot harder, but towards the end the same feeling overwhelmed me again. I stopped caring. and I cant seem to stop this feeling.
my next thing is im a teen mom. and that’s a problem in of itself. and I feel like a shit person for even ‘complaining’ about this since yes, it is my fault. and I take full responsibility for my actions and the consequences that came with it. I love my son and id do anything for him. but there are times I wish I could kill myself because he’d be better off without me, or im too stressed or depressed to be a mom that day. and balancing school with being a mom. theres also the whole work situation. I cant get a job because one I have no experience and two im already caught up with school and being a mom I feel like id fail at that as well.
the next thing is being held down by my parents. as I said I don’t have work and I have a son. so I still depend and live with my parents. which isn’t a problem. for now. it seems like they have lost all hope in me moving out and moving on with my life. and it seems like they will hold this against me for the rest of my life. I plan on getting a job and moving out, taking my kid with me. but it doesn’t seem to be a plan for them.
im not looking for anything out of this post, just needed a place to rant. thanks for reading, have a good day.
It all feels blank most of the time. I am suicidal but i don’t plan or have a plan to kill myself, but the thoughts linger. I’m in the grey area, constantly In the grey area.
I don’t want a future, i don’t want to get a job and i don’t want to get out of bed each morning, i don’t want to brush my hair, i don’t want to eat. eat… eating is something that i haven’t done now for a few days. i have such disgust for my body and the numbers on the scale. i haven’t eaten and my body is so weak, I’m bruising easier and I’m so tired but i can’t sleep, yet i can’t seem to even have food around me anymore.
School is a fucking blur, i can’t focus. so many people expect so much of me and i feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking glitch In the system. and no one understands or gets it they act as if nothing is wrong. people are toxic. we are killing the world as we know it and people are more worried about likes on a social media app. social media really fucks up your mental health you know? i don’t know anymore. This world is so fucking cruel and disgusting i just don’t want to be apart of it anymore. My mum is the only thing that keeps me alive, i love my mum. other than that I’m already dead.
i always try asking myself to describe what it feels like and the best i can do is a Tv with static on, that mind numbing sound echo through my head every second. i want to hurt everyone i see and i don’t know if its just a reflection of myself. I don’t want to be on antidepressants, they’re so fake. like I’m faking happiness i never deserved in the first place. Im so tired of being alone but i push everyone away and hurt them. i try sabotaging everything good in my life.
I’m always so unsure of myself, i don’t know who i am. i feel like I’m falling constantly and that I’m drowning, I’m suffocating.
i don’t see myself making it past 25 and i feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore about it.
but soon enough my personality will shift and i will forget this feeling for a few hours. i need help but i don’t want help. I’m watching myself turn each day into a disappointment and a failure to everyone. this life was never made for me. This is messy and I’m sorry to anyone reading this, i just had no where else to go
It’s been 2 years since I broke free from the cage where depression and anxiety lingers that would make me want to be dead. Life was never been so carefree and easy for me. Imagine living in a home where everybody treats you like a lowly one. I was never everybody’s favorite. Even in just a petty thing like a fresh wound gotten from playing around with some of my friends in neighborhood, my mom could give me beating and then, pulls a butcher’s knife in her hands ready to kill my innocent self. It never came to my mind that it was a trauma for my installed as a discipline. A year passed and I was transferred to my dad’s aunt to live there for good since my mom will have some medical mission to attend to (SPOILER ALERT: as if it was true). My dad was working in abroad that time. Before my mom left, as a loving daughter, all I ask was a simple kiss and hug but she became so annoyed when I asked for that but still, she gave it coldly. It was a heartbreaking scene for my grandfather (the husband of my dad’s aunt) to see that.
A year has passed, my mom hadn’t given us some calls nor texts of concern. Consequently, we found out that she left my dad debts to pay instead of her paying it. Wow, she left for ambition huh. There, my depression lingers because my family shown me so much hate for I resembled her a lot. I felt unloved and no one’s going to be there for me. Ironically, every pain were hidden when it’s time for school. Imagine a 10-year old girl with so much going and was forcing herself to hide everything.
I thought everything’s going to fall into the right places but nope. I started high school with a bad leadership skills, the I-thought-we’re-best-friends situation and backbites because of that, I became alone the next school year. The feeling of rejection and harsh remarks trigger a lot to my suicidal thoughts. When will I be able to be full of worth? I reached out to numerous people and they totally told me that I will never be alone. I guess so. Well, I never truly understand suicidal thoughts but one thing is for sure, it can totally consume and mess you up. There’s this moment where I decided that it’s going to be the time. I grabbed a knife and stealthily hid it within my clothes and proceeded to the bathroom. With tears falling down, a sappiness feeling pouring within. I’m ready to stabbed myself in the chest until something within me was hesitating. There, I remembered the trauma and found the purpose why I came this far in life. I really don’t want to kill myself because I have to prove something to someone who gave up on raising me and that’s finishing my studies and be able to become a well-mannered professional in the future. Also, I have those people who got my back.
To be honest, suicide is totally selfish but we can’t blame ourselves to think about doing it especially when everything’s just way too much painful, depressing, torturing etc. However, it’s within ourselves if we let it consume us or not. I just wanted you to know that you are totally not alone. Try reaching out to people. People who will wholeheartedly listens to you. Getting out of these thoughts can be tricky for it can betray. Moreover, nurture positivism and self-care. You are loved, you are not worthless and you are important.
know this:
you can start over; each morning
From your fellow misfit,
Lia
my boyfriend whom i adore, left me! because i was a little bit too much in love with him!
he can’t take it anymore so he left me with the worst scenario ever! he shouted and screamed while i literally begged him to listen to me, he said: you could commit suicide, you could get fucked for all i care, just get the fuck out of my life.
i can’t say how sad i was cause i wasn’t sad as much as shocked, not because of what he is saying to me, but because of the fact that there is a human in this world who could do such horrible thing for the one who loves him the most, i mean he literally smashed my heart and laughed about it and told me to die for all he cares!
so i’m not thinking of moving on or waiting for him or anything, i’m just thinking how did i get to this?
i mean when did it all begun? which point my life started falling apart at?
and i know where was that.
but now the real deal is where it will all end? how i’m gonna end all this shit? and get my life together in a natural form!
like being that human who feels good in it’s own skin!
to be able to chill at some point without any reason to cry for!
like it’s probably not happiness, but comfort that i’m seeking!
I wonder what happened to the people who used to write on this site back on 2015..
are they still alive? are they doing better worst? are they still stuck as I am?
I used to write here about how lost and stuck I am, since 2013 till 2015 when I quite writing about my feeling and started to ignore them!
yeah the worst thing you could ever do..
and now i’m here again 2019 and YET nothing has changed for the better it’s even worst by every mean!
I still am the same depressed lost soul !
seeking help by anyone who could and yet no one seems to.
ever since 2013 i was hoping i could change, i could do better
you know i’ve done better on some sides like i got a job!
but yet i am still that neglected girl who has no friends and heart broken as ever due to being so stupid !
i always wanted to run away and start a new but never been or will be able to,
so i guess i have to deal with what i have and this time i will deal !
this site used to be my safe space where i come to lay everything that’s weighting me down and here i am going back to writing about my depression and about my stupid depressed little story !!
will it ever change? i mean could i ever have a happy ending! now that i am 25 years old, and been suffering since i was 19.
maybe it will be different this time.
let’s get to the bottom of this, i am willing to be a new person, i want to change and focus
i want to be happy and i have a hope for it.
the last day i was working and out of nowhere a short video pops up talking about hope! guess it was some kind of a hidden message for me, that even after all of these years there is still a hope somewhere and i’m going to find it.
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