For your poems.
Maybe this life was never meant to be mine.
I just really need someone to hug, at the very least. There is nobody there though, I’m all alone, isn’t that funny?
Isn’t it funny when you’re alone yet surrounded by people? Isn’t it funny when everyone’s looking at you yet they can’t see you? Isn’t it funny when you’re drowning in a croud?
When everyone can save you but nobody does?
Nodoby knows?
Nobody even notices?
Please, notice. Someone, please. See me. Please… I don’t want to die just yet. Anyone? But they don’t hear me.
Is it me or is it them?
Do I exist? Do I matter in this world or am I just another object in your […]
i feel like my autism is a curse, heres some more writing about birds, short but eh im tired its like 8 pm here so whatever
this story sucks but if you want to read it go ahead
My necrotic carotid
Fills this head with exotic
Dreams of when I bought it
Suicidal tendencies methodic-ly
Naughty
Not haughty
I’m not breathless
I just breathe less
No delusions of grandeur
But illusions of a grand doer
Fighting force majeure
why am I like this,
like a ball of wadded up paper, can’t I just focus and be normal and SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
they wont stop yelling “HEY”
Everything is so pointless, but I need to at least try- WHY “AREN’T YOU TRYING!!”
i’m sorry sorry sorry i’m trying I swear I just need more time, and maybe more effort, but my bed feels so nice..and maybe I can take a nap..
Maybe I won’t wake up and- “PAY ATTENTION”
“Yeah my bad”
“sorry I forgot”
“I’m just really tired”
So so so tired
tired of the cycle that […]
Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.
I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for […]
oh no, they’re back
the voices.
the vague voice
the deep and low whisper,
it lets out
the cold shivers down my spine.
oh no,
maybe.
maybe it’s made up,
all in my head?
can’t be.
could it be?
oh no,
i feel it fogging up my head like a cold forest morning after the rain
oh no
am i going crazy?
maybe it’s normal.
maybe it’s just my mind trying to create someone here so i’m not […]
Then he told this parable:
“A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard; and he came looking for fruit on it and found none. So he said to the gardener,
‘See here! For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, and still I find none.
Cut it down! Why should it be wasting the soil?’
He replied, ‘Sir, let it alone for one more year, until I dig around it and put manure on it. If it bears fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it […]
heyy, it’s been a while since I posted. time for an update!
I have received a diagnosis. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s correct. My psychiatrist tells me I have adjustment disorder and major depressive disorder. Which is not completely off the mark, I guess. I have some of the symptoms of depression, but so does half the DSM. I don’t really care anymore. None of my symptoms match up completely with any illness, so this is the closest anyone is going to get. Besides, people are always giving their own opinions on my experience, and I’m tired of listening to them.
In other news, I recently discovered that […]
(Sorry for not correcting misspelled words, this site is a pain to navigate through)
Shadowy figures everywhere
I can see an feel their glare
On the same plane as me
Though I might have the key
Deep in here, trapped inside
Never can be justified
I may try I may not
After all I’m gonna rot
Somewhere high up in the sky
May become a mindless fly
Thinking? No, that won’t do
Let me see when it’s brand new
I believe in it all
Doubting as it’s getting small
I can’t feel, I can’t hear
Still, it does make me cheer
What they won’t comprehend
May have met them in […]
Ever let the anxiety sink ,the rage boil up
Ferment the pain, and bottle it up
Reflecting on the past like it ain’t slow enough
Mom’s always sad that I ain’t growing up
Pills help me cope but I’m still fucking up
Fuck going outside, the moon aint show enough
I laugh about death like I ain’t dark enough?
Friends ran away? I guess they stalked enough?
Fam patient with my death like who’s taking what?
keep a sharp angle, latitudes of my cuts
Force you to be strong like you ain’t had enough
have the nerve to ask what’s wrong…
God ain’t fucking […]
I traced my self harm scars to make this first piece; for the second piece I smeared paper over my paint pallet.
Represents the longing I have to see physical scars but how the aftermath is always messy.
being abused sucks. uh. here have some vague minimalist poetry:
I’m so angry.
I’m SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME.
I feel like the whole world is against me, but you know what?
At this point, I’ve had the biggest epiphany. I don’t care anymore.
Imagine that.
Do, whatever the fuck you want.
Be a slut, dress how you want. Be an asshole, be kind, go out at night. get drunk, fall in love, make huge mistakes, lose and gain friends, burn bridges.
I don’t care what your parents say.
Do it.
Fucking do it, cause you know what, you only live once and no one is going to hear about us in those […]
As long as you have a pulse you have a problem and you just have to deal with that.
-love,me
Afterthought
‘I’m fine’ the mantra in my head
The lie I speak everyday
‘I’m not fine’ words you don’t say
But I hear them anyway
Carving more of what little is left within
To be there for you
Because I’ll always be there for you
I’ll always elevate you above myself
Sacrifice my needs to meet your own
And I know it’s not balanced
I know it’s not healthy
But this is the friendship paradigm
I’ve grown up believing
The issue is others don’t see that
They see a good person to talk too
So, they keep doing it
They see someone whose handling everything
So, I keep doing it
Except I’m not
I’m slowly cracking from within
Depression seeping under my skin
Infecting old scars, I […]
I am done with this world
I am tired of this pain, this pain isn’t physical
but its driving me insane.
<3 -love,me
Im getting old woohoo!
my philosophy about how much suffering we should endure is probably comparable to that of clive barkers cenobites ideas around it.
ive honestly seeked out death for myself
ive honestly seeked out a life for myself.
Im at my end. If i can’t die. i cant live. .
im 29years old so you listen hear youngens and old bastards alike: Keep kicking or dont. Expend every ounce of free will. Preserve it. or dont.
im not sick. I never was.
They can take me away but after years of frustratingly ordering my opinions about this matter.. And learning to enter/escape bigger hell holes: Lol no one can convince […]
I don’t want to disappoint them.
It’s to the point where I don’t even care about my own health and well being anymore.
Although….when will it be enough for you?
When will I be enough?