After 9 years of thinking about suicide every day (first time I ever thought about it I was about 9, I’m now 22) I finally decided to let everyone know. In October I texted my mother & husband about it. My husband’s response was an atypical caring one, “just hold on” “you’re strong” “you can make it.” “we’ll survive together” etc. You know the garbage anyone spews at someone who comes forward professing their suicidal thoughts. My mother however took the atypical rude approach, “so many people have it so much worse” “you have no idea what it’s really like to struggle” “you’re life has […]
I thought I was making progress. I thought I was starting to make friends and not be alone. I thought I was using the resources available for support. Things seemed to be going well.
Then l get a message from someone saying she is upset at my passive aggressive attacks. That alone hurts so much, that isn’t only beyond my social skills but isn’t in my nature. Not only is her being upset upsetting me but then knowing she didn’t know me well enough to assume I could do that. And when I tried to tell her my side of things she kept trying to accuse […]
This is something I’ll have to try and explain to my therapist. I figured I’d try to write it down first.
I suffer from delusional episodes. I don’t consider too many of my delusions “off the wall” or entirely “crazy” but never the less they exist only in my mind and it’s been proven to me on many occasions, but not before making outrageous claims, embarrassing myself and losing people I would have hoped to keep as friends..or more. This is why I say I suffer from delusions, because I drive away everyone who cares and the ones that stay get sucked into my pitiful […]
So ok, something happened tonight.. you might think it’s funny, you may not. I’m unbiased about it for the time being. But i guess..put yourself in this position.
Was just chatting with Internet companions for a few hours and one of them started flirting with me. This all happened with in the course of like 30 minutes…anyways. i chat with these people all the time.. I thought this was a girl, I myself being a guy. I guess I just didn’t notice before but I thought for sure I remember this friend being a girl. I post pictures of myself that people like to see, […]
I thought I was doing good by not saying that as often on public forums. It’s natural to blurt it out every 10 minutes though. Sometimes the feeling creeps up behind me and forces me to shutter my head neck and shoulders, then the words come out.
When I say I hate my life.. it means I hate where my life has come from, where it left me and where I know it will keep leading me. I don’t hate the world even though that comes out sometimes too. I don’t hate people even though there is so much evil out there. I feel I’m […]
i hate myself so goddamn much and i just want to take all the pills in my fucking cabinet. everybodys going to end up hating me and leaving me like they always do. there’s no point in me even living anymore and no point of me trying so hard not to relapse with the cutting and stuff… it hurts so bad to fell this way and to sit here and cry and hurt while everybody else is so happy. i hate that anybody has to feel the way that i feel but i deserve it…. i need to die…. i want someone to kill me… […]
I’m gonna try and make/keep a pledge this winter to not feel the cold loneliness of winter and the holidays. Of course I will feel lonely, but I want to try my best not to make excuses to why I’m so lonely, blaming it on the cold and the holidays. I don’t want to be desperate for some one else to be there. I don’t want to provoke sympathy from others by claiming “the winter’s are so lonely, they are the worst”
I want to make a pledge to be strong and endure, unshaken. I won’t let my mind be taken over by the cold […]
That’s gonna be my next tattoo the second I get paid next. “Life goes on”
I want the message to sink in, once and for all. It’s what I need in my life right now.
I strongly feel that this is only something a person has to figure out for themselves. You simply can’t convince some one that their life goes on..you can tell them but will they instantly believe? I don’t think so in many cases.
I wouldn’t ever tell someone life goes on, I can only support them if they feel it’s true or at least if they want to have faith that […]
….oh yeah..
I’m suddenly feeling a manic episode coming on. I’m at a crossroads with this feeling.. I don’t know whether to try and use it to feel better or keep low with the help of my sad music and bad habits. I just don’t want to crash again..it’s getting so old I just want to keep myself down and depressed as long as possible. But time goes by and I get nothing done in my life. I cant eat to the point of self harm. The problem with these manic feelings is that they always drop suddenly without warning, that or I become delusional […]
The depression has completely taken over me now and it’s only day two… I can’t remember how long these episodes take. I tried to eat, chocolate not healthy but something i might enjoy. I just threw it all back up.
I don’t deverse to eat.
Two days without food.
I can’t even make myself get out of bed to get water.
That will be how I die. The one way I have full control over myself. No one can make me eat.
I went to a psychiatric testing place last week, and I’ve got to go back again Monday. I’ve noticed that I express far fewer symptoms of depression than I had years ago. For instance, I don’t actively want to commit suicide, but I still wish to stop existing. I sleep whenever I can, because there is nothing to do at all that means anything. I don’t want a job because there is no point, and I’m currently mentally incapable of having one, as I break down about a couple of weeks in, realising how pointless and worthless I am and that my job suggests the […]
I am a diagnosed bipolar, twenty year old girl. And maybe it is just the depression talking. But I am so lost and I’m so on my own. I’m scared.
Fear is my biggest problem. Im so scared of everything. Scared to be on my own. Scared to run. Scared to hide. Scared to fly incase I fall. Scared to risk it all. Scared to die.
To die would be an awfully big adventure.
I’ve sat on my bed on days when I’m all alone in the house. I’ve taken pills, washed them down with vodka. But as soon as it started to hurt i made myself […]
damn. 19, nearly 20 and I’m still a distant son to my parents. I haven’t seen them in years.
never has it really been any different.
I really don’t want to spout the same generic things that people would expect to hear.
I don’t want to be just another. I hope no one reads this. Its like letting the public know
but hoping they close their eyes, and don’t listen
neglectfulness fills my life.
I was in hopspital 3 years ago, I was a lot worse then.
I was really gone back then…I can’t remember much of it.
But now, although the doctors shone that light in […]
Sorry for all the posts today.. but i needed to write this down somewhere…
I’ve been having these slight and subtle flashbacks to who I was and how my character was before all this mess took over.. I can almost feel that person trying to lighten my spirits.. it has me in tears
Is it real? Or another hallucination.. I’m afraid to let it lead me. I don’t know if it’s the devil in disguise, waiting for me to let my guard down.
How did I even get to this… why did I ever come here? And when I’m not here, why am I this […]
Could someone please talk to me? I haven’t been myself in awhile now and I don’t know what to do. I suffer from a form of depression that destroys my relationships with family and friends. I am sad. Always. I bring people down when I try to talk to them about my sadness. They have family and friends and children and they are happy. Then I come along and tell them how sad I am. They try to entertain me but after awhile they don’t want to hear it. My parents call me selfish when I tell them I’m thinking about suicide. They tell me […]
I hate the world we live in, the society we’re built on, and any direction i could take my life in…. I feel like such a disgrace, my life is wonderful! As i type this on my smartphone in my cozy bed in a warm house, my loving parents are probably thinking about me just like i think about them constantly… They shower me in love and gifts and praise, but I DO NOT DERSEVE A FRACTION OF IT! Killing myself would be too harsh for these beautiful, kind individuals, but I feel it would save them from dissapointment and hardships in the future… I […]
I’m so tired of being a punching bag. Why do you have to push all of your ideals, veiws and bs on me. I’m wearing out real fast now and I have no idea how much longer I’ll be able to last….
If you hate me so much now and have regrets the why the hell did you even keep me ariund.
Well dont worry. You know my favorite saying a man is known by the silence he keeps… I guess I’ll take that saying literally and become silent forever.
you know your born into this world and for the first copal of years of your life you think hey what could go wrong? sadly you soon start to open your eyes and see the world for what it really is i don’t know much about any of you just anonymous bloggers like me i guess but i know one thing death is unavoidable wether it is from natural causes a tragic accident or self inflected. sometimes you don’t want to die other times you know your ready like me i know i want to die i know that theres nothing anyone can do to […]
I quit my job and moved across the country so that I could afford living without a job while I apply to grad programs. At the same time as studying for the GRE, I got engaged to be married. You’d think it would be a really exciting time in my life, but the same two months I was going to use for improving my GRE score ended up being dedicated to wedding planning. Wedding planning was a nightmare, I felt extremely depressed, and then I would beat myself up for feeling depressed during a time I was supposed to be happy. Oh yeah, I forgot […]
Life is Hell. I was raised Christian, and actually believe there is an entity out there who created all, yet I struggle to come to any other conclusion.
What’s the saying? “Life sucks, and then you die.” No, life sucks, and then your dog dies, you accrue a mountain of debt, struggle to improve your career, lose your job, spouse leaves you for someone more ‘interesting,’ get cancer, accrue more debt, break a hip, suffer the hate from people for being “old,” then you, at long last, die and remain at peace for all eternity.
To add insult to the injury of this hellish life, we are […]