Acceptance Should Be Acceptable.

After 9 years of thinking about suicide every day (first time I ever thought about it I was about 9, I’m now 22) I finally decided to let everyone know. In October I texted my mother & husband about it. My husband’s response was an atypical caring one, “just hold on” “you’re strong” “you can make it.” “we’ll survive together” etc.  You know the garbage anyone spews at someone who comes forward professing their suicidal thoughts. My mother however took the atypical rude approach, “so many people have it so much worse” “you have no idea what it’s really like to struggle” “you’re life has been so much better than mine” “you need to get with reality” etc. Whatever woman.

I’ve even gone public with the subject because I knew after my attempt word would get out anyways. The Facebook world has meant me with very similar responses as those made by my husband and mother. However, there is one woman who berates me telling me “you need to be accountable for yourself” simply because I also came forward with the fact that my mother was emotionally abusive to me, which might have a great deal with how I treat myself. Granted I’m an adult now, I can make my own decisions, but how children are raised does have a lot to do with who they become as adults. I can’t undo what she has done and I doubt that woman understands that brain damage is probably involved at this point. Abuse whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional literally damages the brain. There is no “just be positive” it’s an injury now, I’m actually going to push for an MRI when I see my new psychiatrist (psychiatric helper number 11) so we can have a visual on what’s going on in there.

It would take me hours to go on with my life story about how I got here so I’m just going to include short details.

• I am the daughter of a teen mom. My mother had me at 14, my father who was almost 19 at the time skipped out until I was 15.
• I grew up with domestic violence on and off in my home. My mother willingly invited it to stay in our home.
• My mother has blamed me for her loss of childhood/teen years for as long as I can remember. Nothing is ever good enough, she’s notorious for asking me to help then redoing things in front of me, then proceeding to call me names. Even in college I would cry over getting a C as a result of her verbal assaults over grades. Honestly, this woman taught me how to hold impossible standards.
• I have lived on welfare for approximately 90% of my life.
• For the past 3 years I have been living off of 1000 calories or less a day (no by choice)
• I am a military spouse. My husband has threatened to rape me & has carried out other intimidation acts. (I want a divorce but without family help I will homeless, can’t do that with a baby)
• I am a SAHM. I would like to work but with my lack of experience and being a college drop out I’m not really hiring material.
• I was recently diagnosed with diverticulitis and I might have PID

Some of my psychiatric history (10 years)

• Risperdal (2kinds)
• Lithium (2kinds)
• Focalin
• Paxil
• Cymbalta
• Abilify
• Geodone
• Depakote
• Concerta
• Vyvanse
• Lithobid
• Zyprexa
• Strattera
• Paxil made me hallucinate.
• Geodone made my eyelids swell.
• When I quit taking focalin I started sleeping at night.
• My family claims I was “better” on lithium but I was crying every night for months on end. The last time I took it I intentionally burned my arm. I would also walk until my heels would bleed from the blisters I got on them. Given it was winter the blood would then freeze on my heels.
• Cybalta caused a serotonin overdose.
• Had 5 different psychiatrists. 5 different therapist.
• Went to individual therapy sessions. They tried cognitive, operant conditioning, psychoanalytic/psychodynamic, along with several diagnostic tests.
• I also went to sessions with my mom who would take over and was often nothing more than a facade.
• I’ve also undergone EMDR
• I’ve been diagnosed with ADD ADHD ODD bipolar disorder, GAD, and depression. Other personality disorders such a schizoid have been looked at.
• I used to pray that I would become “normal” or my life would change. I never did and as I get older more things I’ve wanted to do get ripped away. I stopped asking and accepted this is the life I’ve been given.
• I’ve tried organic things like Valerian root with no effects
• Been on 3-4 72 emergency holds in psychiatric care facilities

At this point I am just done. I have lived all the life I want to and I am ready for that bus to hit me tomorrow. I’ve tried to explain this to everyone but they aren’t understanding it. It’s over for me. I will end my life someday if something doesn’t do it for me first. They insist pills & therapy will fix it. It’s not, 10 years of treatment is a large chunk of a 22 year life span. I just want them to accept this.