I just want to die but i don’t get why i do. it’s so weird. i know all the reasons why my life is shitty, but i don’t know why i want to die. i can’t pin down a specific set of reasons, and i can’t just say that every reason is a reason that i want to die, because that’s not true. i just.. want to die. always have. being hospitalized even made me want to kill myself MORE. nothing is helping. i’m hopeless.
Category:
Rants
hey. I realize I’m a lot younger than a lot of the people on this site. I know it sounds hella stupid that someone my age would have everything against the world but I feel like no one understands… like I’m drowning and everyone’s watching and having fun but all they see me is swimming- thriving. I know… “reach out,” they say. “we’re here for you,” they say.
the funny thing is, once, I believed them. I reached out once… and came on too strong… they ‘ran’ away. reached out to someone else… “you’re being dramatic” they said. well, maybe they were right. but do they […]
The worst part isn’t the loneliness, or the emptiness, or the coldness.
It’s the fact that people care, that the people in my life love me.
No matter how much I wish everyone hated me or how much I wish nobody cared,
if I died I would be missed.
Did you know that sometimes when a mother’s child dies, she only lives a few years after? My mom says that when a mother’s child dies, the mother loses her will to live;
the driving force for life. The fact that people care feels like my last hope has been ripped away from me. Tell me […]
If you could restart, would you?
I have a debate with the voices in my head on this question. The reason I’m still alive is because I know I’ll be missed. I don’t know why they would miss me on some days. I find myself useless. But sometimes I think about how I am a survivor of all the bad times and all the times I wanted to hurt. I am a survivor to all the times I wanted it to end, of the times I was assaulted. I still stayed, and yes I look around and think to myself all the ways I could stop. […]
An open book you can read
A closed, you cannot
Fake pages
So revealing
Yet so secretive
You can read so well
Yet you can’t read at all
A brand new book you’ve just opened
So new
So kind
So clean
Had it for months
The text grew weary
Behind it’s white pages
The secretive
The weary
Sad how
The one who cuts first
Will never be
The secretive
You always ask me
Question me
An answer unappealing
You ask again
Again
Again
Tell me
Since when do shackles ask
“Why are you bound?”
When do the devils ask
“Why are you bad?”
Since when
Could you ask your pot
“Why are you like this?”
That pipe, oh so short
How I sat next to it
So bright, as if it would’ve lasted centuries
So bright, I believed it was longer
Might’ve run the galaxies and back
It only lasted three months
Each time I returned,
It thinned a little more
Dimmed a little more
It cracked a little more
Until nothing was left
This one too, huh?
I placed it too high
Thought it too long
Thought it too sturdy
There is never
Anything
Sturdy Enough
Not even
The shoes I run the galaxies with
Why so blue?
My ambrosia
I wish you knew
I wish you understood
The fires inside
Burning my skin
Burning my mind
Burning my heart
Making me blind
If you know
If you understand
Pick at my petals
This flower’s wilting anyway
Mr. Sun, what are you doing here today?
You are bothering my sleep, and I’d rather you not.
But I’m not mad. Though, I’d rather sleep forever.
Want to know why, Mr. Sun?
When I sleep, I feel as though the black ocean from the back of my mind comes and washes away all that was left of the day.
I hate myself! I hate myself! Alcohol just keeps enabling me to do the worst shit but its the only thing that takes the edge off. I know im a bad person and its so fucking laughable how im still trying to convince myself im not. I keep scaring people and losing control and lashing out. I dont even want to be alive but i have to be. I have to be for other people but im just so tired and weak. I wish everyone would just stop clinging on to me so hard and let me go. I dont want to be here anymore […]
This feeling
This sensation
The recognition
But
The disremembrance of this
What is this?
We are all the same here
I believe we are
Maybe not on the outside
But
We all share the same interests
But, who is the odd one out?
All of us?
One of us?
It all feels too familiar
Like a deja vu
Maybe it’s because I can’t remember
But
The sensation
The recognition
The wave of emotions take over
Mind completely blank
My only escape taken from me
The other one out of reach
This familiarity
If only I can remember
Something, other than the pain of a deja […]
Ten years ago I found my depression, and lost my mind
Nine years ago I found my first razor, and lost my body
Eight year ago I found the pill bottle, and nearly lost my life
Seven years ago everyone found out I was gay
Six years ago I lost my ROTC scholarship
Five years ago I lost my friends
Four years ago I lost my family
Three years ago I lost the national championship
Two years ago I lost my passion
Last year I lost my best friend (and soul mate)
Six months ago I lost motivation
Last week I lost my sanity
Yesterday […]
In this space
My eyes are open
But in reality, they’re closed
There is nothing around me
But darkness
And I sit
Waiting for something
Anything
And it comes
Whatever it was
It was a darkness unwelcoming
It brought about truths, lies, and all things in the dark
I hide
And wish for that darkness
For the night the savior arrives
It visits me every night
Coming like a wave of pure black night
Washing over me
Cleansing
Removing
Ridding the scars the other one left
I swam in an ocean of freedom
The scars gone
A light flashed
Intrigued, I reached towards it
It […]
I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go. I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what […]
The mind is transparent
As the memories are transparent
Or is it the other way around?
Like glass
Embedded in the soul
Transparent the mind
To remember
I might’ve remembered
What was transparent
What was embedded
Within
So long ago
My dis-remembrance
Of this
I wonder so
What’s under the bed?
It terrifies me
The very idea
To be near it
To stand near it
To lay near it
The monsters
My very own
Flash before me
The monsters
The creators
The creations
They flash before me
The very idea
To be
Beneath the bed
Again
My lovely bluebird
My cute dove
My beloved
And all your likes
Spread your wings and soar
Soar!
High above the trees
The mountains
Spread your wings
My loves
And soar!
Soar high above the land dwellers
Soar!
Theyll watch in envy as your wings graze the heavens
My beauties
My lovelies
My beloved
Ill watch from below
Far below
From below the land dwellers
Ill watch
As your feathers graze the heavens
Ill use them
Ill thank you
Your feathers replacing mine
Your feathers repairing
My tearing
My weary
My torn
Wings
Hopefully Ill soar
Hopefully well soar
Hopefully
One day
Above the heavens
Me
And my fellow torches
Deep within the caverns
Cold
Unlit
Me
And my fellow torches
At the entrance
Burning bright
My torch
Is it burning bright?
Has it been burning bright?
Forevermore?
My torch
Has it been cold
Unlit
Forevermore?
Did you
Light my torch
To a crisp?
Did you
Drown my torch
Out cold?
Our torches
The rumble
The wave
The earthquake
The tsunami
How am I to get it back?
Through the bottomless sea
Through the fire
Behind the island
Behind the boulder
Deep within the Earth
My torch
Where can it be?
Our torches
Whatever has become of them?
Come
Come hither
Come hither
Come
Come hit
Come hit
Hit me
Like a tidal wave
(Like a tidal wave (tidal wave))
Hesitating?
Hesitating when
Smacked in the face?
By whom?
I havent moved an inch
Are you sane?
Insane?
Im sane
Going insane
Dont look at me like that
You hit
I take
With each and every passing day
I loose another piece
The world should just swallow me whole
Swallow me
Into purgatory
Into the depths of hell
I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere but hell
One moment it’s hell
The second, a marathon
The third, mass homicide
The fourth, peace
The fifth, what […]
Done with me
Sick of me
Whatever led
That vent
To be clogged
There will be no apology
Since the very beginning
My dislike runs deeper than her hatred
My endurance runs longer than her temper
Ive lasted longer
Why are you
Done with me
Sick of me
So soon?
I shouldve been
Sick of you
Done with you
Long before you
Yet
Its the other way around
How do
How do I
Flip this back
Should I flip it back
I dont think
It
Matters
Anymore