Since I was 13 I knew that one day I would commit suicide. Ive always been able to go one more day and one more day turned into 7 years. And now things are getting so hard that I dont think I can go one more day. I feel like I cannot keep trying. I keep failing, the depression is taking control of me and I just have no reason to be happy anymore. Is life even worth it anymore.
Category:
Rants
I’m at the lowest point of my life, despite only being eighteen years of age. For years I’ve struggled with severe suicidal depression, but I had friends, house parties to go to, and the ability to put smiles on people’s faces to distract me from the lingering pain that swelled in my heart.
I don’t have any of that now. I’ve been alone for months dwelling on my insignificance as a human.
I don’t have value anymore, I don’t have anything…I only desire to cease existing in an endeavor to suffice a swift end to this horrendous emptiness that lurks within me…I’m not particularly […]
It looks like I am not the only one here who experiences these same major depression symptoms. I guess in a sense that provides some sort of sick, twisted comfort.
I seem to have a dark cloud over my head that never seems to disappear. I can never catch a break nor do I think I have ever understood what true happiness feels like. Even friends have commented on how bad my luck is. Maybe that is my problem is that I have such a negative and pessimistic attitude towards my life that the universe is determined to keep making bad things happen to me.
I have […]
I’m trying. I really am.
I’m trying to understand you and why you say things that demean me. How is it that with just your words you can take away my power? You tell me I cannot act or behave in a certain way, that I have no right to do so. I have to tell you everything going on in my life because you support me. I have to tell you where I am and what I am doing at all times. I have to let you know how I am doing in school and exactly when things are due and you take it upon […]
I was here when I was in 8th grade now im a senior in highschool. Im back. My problems havent necesarily gotten worse but they also havent gotten any better. Ive met alot of people through out these years none of them have really stuck around but thats my fault . I wish i could say “Sorry for not talking to you anymore, but i had a plan that i would kill myself as soom as i graduated so i didnt really want to make long term friends. But i decided thats the wrong way to deal with my problems so i wanted to be […]
I really give up. I’ve tried so hard. The last few days have been absolute shit and everything has gotten worse. My hours were cut yet again in my first job back to 10 hours a week. The same day both bosses bitched me out over every fucking thing some of which is them not knowing enough about something they should. First thing was a service we use for scheduling posts to multiple client’s accounts. Well when you add an account, the new account becomes the default to post to. So he bitches me out for posts for one client being scheduled on the new […]
hey this is my first post…… itll be a long one….. i dont expect anyone to read it or care but idk what to do anymore…….
my girlfriend and i were meant for each other, it seemed we were perfect for each other. we both had/ have problems (depression, anxiety, etc. all the fun stuff) but we always helped each other. it all started ten months ago, and it grew fantastically. weve done everything together……. we loved each other for what seemed like forever and would always be forever……. and then school started up again….. (first let me say that she also kinda has ptsd from […]
i just… okay so my best friend got to know about the reason of my depression through here and i was planningto tell her but couldnt get it out of me.. now that she does know i dont know what to do but to isolate myself and i dont know what to say anymore…
things have be so grimm lately and my behaviour towards her is so unjust i hate myself not being able to come to peace with myself and tell myself that its okay, whats done is done move on.
I just cant and i dont know what to do. Maybe self isolation is my […]
My Letter of Resignation….
To Whom It May Concern, (aka Life, the Universe, M.H., etc)
It may have come to your attention some time ago, that I am no longer happy. It may have come to your attention that I have no intention of staying around and being a puppet anymore.
As I type this, I realize, it has come to your attention, for you are the cosmic force that drives me further and further into my abyss of madness. You have pushed me into a Wonderland where the Mad Hatter not only makes more sense but is my counterpart in the void between. The Queen […]
I sit here, in a new house…with new furniture, and my dog and yet, I continue to be alone. The walls do not yet speak, for they have nothing to speak of. I’m lost in a world with sound that has no meaning; for I do not understand what is being said. I am lost on new ground in a void of blackness, although the sun shines. Colors faded in and out…and the colors I once use to see with music have all but disappeared. Where have I gone?
I wonder….
And I wait….
Always waiting….
The end of me is near….I feel it seeping into my bones; […]
And stressed. Time is running out, we don’t have a real plan, and my hours have been cut back down to 10 so I don’t have money to eat anything let alone save a penny. I had been trying to sell a collection of things I have that by any normal means, anyone else could sell for at least $1000 total out of everything. But because it’s *me* and the entire community believes horrible lies about me, plenty of people have piped up to “warn” people of me and the (false) accusations against me to keep people from buying so that I have no fucking […]
how can i be both lonely and also want to be alone at the same time?
by adecoy95
written by adecoy95
i dont want to be alone anymore, but at the same time i dont want to put myself out there.
i dont understand why being alone bothers me so much if i dont want to take effort to change it. it makes no sense
im going to turn 30 soon, i have never dated or been in a relationship with anyone, ive never been intimate with anyone
i have been considering hiring a escort, but i dont know if i could even do that, what if i got caught? would my family despise me? consider me a terrible person? could i accept that?
what if i hired one, and […]
i am not going to start cutting again.
i am going to tell myself this until i do start cutting, until i just can’t help it anymore, until it’s time to tell myself again that that was the last one, honest.
this is how i deal with things: deny. deny. deny.
keep walking. it doesn’t matter how. it doesn’t matter for how long. it doesn’t matter why, or how long it takes to fall again. it doesn’t even matter if walking is possible, if i should be doing it.
i fall, and i get up.
there is nothing else. there are no apologies. there are no bandages, no balms, no […]
I feel like i cant do life anymore, im always alone i have no one to turn to and i never have. I dont know what to do, i want to die but its such a difficult thing to go about doing but staying alive is also incredibly difficult. I feel trapped and that my circumstances will never improve and i will always be miserable and lonely. I am autistic and i have bipolar which has been affecting me since i was a small child and i feel i will never be free of misery and i am trapped in a life i do not […]
Sitting in my bed waiting for the sun to come up after another sleepless night. I’ve already decided that I’m not doing anything I had planned tomorrow, instead I’ll procrastinate another day. I’m trying to imagine a world where I could be happy, and in every perfect scenario, I’m miserable. I think, maybe, that heaven or hell doesn’t come after this. I think maybe this is already the latter. Maybe the point of this world is to prove you have what it takes to get to heaven. I like that sentiment but I don’t think I have what it takes. Maybe if I end it […]
this isn’t about me.
it never has been; life’s for the living and i am, as ever, a ghost.
i’m not real. not really.
not here. not really.
not trying. not really.
i’m not looking to leave here.
no. this isn’t about me.
this is about you. how i’m not there enough for you, not trying enough for you, not real enough for you.
how i’m just a ghost and you’re well on your way to never being like me again, if only things would let you.
life is so cruel.
i wanted you to leave me behind. to leave this behind. to never look back at all the hurt you got […]
I remember that when I was a kid I craved everyone’s acceptance. My parents, my classmates. But no matter what I did, everyone still hated me.
But now, everyone is after me. Everyone praises me and is willing to do whatever I say. Now I’m the one that hates the world. These rotten people, so digusting. I treat them like shit so they can get away from me, but they don’t, they keep coming again.
It’s disgusting. People are sick. I’m sick of this world. Add this to one of the reasons I want to leave.
Yo, Nico again.
I’m pretty excited about today because I’m gonna go out with my friends and stuff later. Well that’s if I manage to keep my parents happy today and not get them mad like always.. They’re really hot headed and stubborn so even the slightest thing can make them explode.. They scare me a lot..
Heheh but anyways we’re gonna be going to the mall and stuff to hang out.They want to go to the halloween store but honestly I’m a huge ***** so I don’t know if I’m gonna go with them. ;-; Mm but they took out one of my favorite places there.. It […]
Hey guys, it’s Nico again.
Heheh it’s nice to see people being nice to me here, most people I’ve met on the internet are jerks haha. Oh, and thanks to the people who said happy birthday hehe~ As you all said I’ll try to keep my upbeatness.
As of right now life’s been kinda alright. Mm, well yesterday wasn’t so much. Mainly because of school stuff. Especially health and safety.. We had to do a group project this week where we had to make a skit about saying no to someone telling you to do drugs, drink, or cut class.. I got placed with a group that […]
A lot of fucking uni shit to do these two weeks. I HATE IT
As always, I have to put aside what I love to do that fucking shit. FUCKING SHIT
I can’t even rest this weekend, I have to do uni shit, oh I want to kill that professor so bad, he’s a piece of shit. Fucking scholarship that will make me work this Saturday.
Someone should just shoot me right now, I’m so fucking mad. SO FUCKING MAD.
Maybe I’ll kill someone, I don’t know. I’m not a good person, I have nothing to lose and I’m so fucking mad.