realized today how much I really do daydream, and how I don’t even live in this reality, but in the worlds I have created in my mind instead. I notice while I thought about it how its been the only way I’ve been happy at all, about 95% of my life. of course, now and then, it will turn on me… my mind is still dumb as shit, y’know? but all of these elaborate imaginings, especially the ones being with friends, or being with my partner (long distance really fucking sucks.) …. all of it… isnt real. and it makes me really sad, and it […]

The problem I run into, more than any is an understanding of how futile specific paths are. I know I’m not going to chase a career to meaning, or a relationship, or even having kids. I feel like those are the big ones that most ordinary people go for.

but it keeps going, the litany of pointless destinations. I’m not going to chase a religious philosophy to meaning, and in fact all of religion is created to give a sense of grasping towards meaning, without actually providing any destination. You’ll run that treadmill for as long as you believe that there’s something at the end of […]

I’ve spent most of my life making myself pointlessly unhappy. And I’m not sure if it’s that I don’t know how to stop, or I don’t want to stop. But either way, I can’t stop. I get attached to impossible things or fantasies, emotionally invested in them. And they become the only thing that feels meaningful, that feels worthwhile. But meanwhile I’m simultaneously aware that it’s not real, and there’s nothing I can do to make it real. And that hurts me. But I can’t bear to give up on the fantasy, even though it’s hurting me, because if I do then I’ll have nothing. […]

Do you believe Canada is wrong for offering assisted suicide to those with mental health conditions? It makes me feel contempt for celebrities rooting this on. They live nice lives. Their treatment is of a higher quality. They deem others as inferior, they have to, they aren’t doctors, but they side with this. //Elon Musk

When will people realize that the things they say hurt?

Like…

I honestly feel like I’m the problem in almost all scenarios where there is a problem and I am involved or near it. And sometimes it feels as though I have no control over being happy. I’ll try and try over and over again, I get myself there and find myself finally in this good place.. And then, crack… That steep staircase I just climbed, crumbled to the ground. Then do it all over again, and again. But to think about it.. When the staircases keep crumbling under you, its […]

I’m… in a lot of pain right now. I’ve nowhere else to turn to right now. I just. Oh god. Everything hurts. I just want to die. I’m forcing myself to shut down otherwise I will ball my eyes out here at my dads girlfriend’s house. It hurts so bad. It’s a physical ache. Please go away. Just. Please. I.

I got my partner’s texts 20 minutes later. I responded, but I know I wont get anything back for awhile. That’s okay, it’s my fault for being fucking stupid and not having my phone on me for too long. 2nd time in a row. Last time […]

I’m lonely. I am a lonely person. I look at myself in the mirror everyday…getting ready for work, getting ready to go out. Not with friends, but with people who can make me feel like I’m not alone. But they know I am. I am alone. Shit. I have no one. But, I have family and I have a partner. But what does that mean when you have no one around to call a friend. I lost all my friends. I am hanging on to my family’s friends. They aren’t my friends. They know of me and me. But, I don’t even think they know […]

this is so ridiculous because I know exactly what will happen, I know what would stop it, but without it the destruction is inevitable. When I say destruction I mean (yet another) relapse into SH and drugs and suicidal agony that lasts about 3 days. Predictable like clockwork. Something triggers me (like it did just now), and I have about 2hrs to break the spiral otherwise I resort to that nasty stuff.

Talking, logic and words won’t help. So this is really a pointless rant. There has to be a physical interruption in my destructive routine. A knock at the door and someone diverting my attention […]

Take me back, beater time machine.

My eyes have sunken, and my spirit feels brittle and broken. I look physically ill from the mental anguish I feel. People notice, out there. It hurt growing used to that through the years. It wasn’t always like this. I used to feel whole. I had my family, my friends. Just bring it back, all the happiness. Let me feel as free as I used to.

I’ll never forget the makeup and […]

I stayed alive these years for my daughter’s sake. Last time I was here she was about 13. Now she’s 22. I just learned she has recently made some really fucked up decisions ~ and she’s certainly entitled to. But the lies and the deception ~ and the lengths she’s willing to go ~ blow my mind. And her nonchalance when confronted made my blood run cold. I don’t know this person. I don’t recognize her at all. It’s possible she has no conscience. I’m not sticking around to find out. I’ll put my affairs in order, figure out what to do with the cats, […]

Or are we just Fucked?

Mine was decent compared to other days. I should probably eat something. It’s been a couple of days. Drains me lol

for the life of me I cant figure why cant pull my shit together. All i have to do is get off my ass and do the work, then I get everything I ever wanted. or at least things will be set in motion. Yes its a shitload of work but Im no stranger to shitloads of work. Ive accomplished almost every goal I ever set but this last one is

too much?

no actually its the easiest. I’m just wiped out. years of being beat down, by others, by myself, by the gods by the demons whatever, years of being beat down have taught me to […]

I suspect there’s a third path somewhere, as with so many things a simple binary doesn’t capture the complexity of things

but as I feel ambition surging, never have I hated it as much as now. Ambition has cost me so much, so many years, my youth, people precious to me…. and for what? Definitely this wasn’t an outcome I was expecting. I thought I would have achieved more, be admired more. Instead I learned how terrible those desires can be, and that my need to be loved and to love is stronger still than those.

I was reading someone else’s post, where they talked about the […]

I can’t handle being real right now. Why does it never go away? What am I doing wrong? I feel so pathetic and stupid. I’m at my best friends house right now and she went back to sleep. It’s too quiet. I don’t even deserve friends. I’m acting like a child. I think I’m needing the distraction […]

I feel like a zombie mindlessly wandering through life. Everyday is exactly the same. I wake up and I go to school, be lonely and sad, go home, do more school and be lonely and sad. I’ve been in a school club since January and still I’ve never felt more alone.

Ironically, the whole purpose of the club is to make friends. I go to every meeting. I speak when I’m spoken to and that’s about it. I don’t have anything in common with these people. All they talk about is Band stuff or drama in their social lives. It feels so much worse […]

Graphic* Trigger Warning*

I can’t wait for this to be over. For now, I’m still stuck in a loop. I can’t stop thinking about my childhood friends. I miss their smiles. Our gut laughs. It’s a desperate feeling, how much I want them back. They weren’t good friends. They all fled when I lost my mind and I needed them so much back then. I’ve thought about them everyday. It’s so hard for me to move on. I think trying’s just a game anymore. And I’ve learned that being perceived as mentally ill warrants head-games from other people. It’s a useless and painful existence.

The sight of […]

Red walls and an old red leather couch we sit. Side by side in the dark with the tv being the only light. He kisses me. He tells me he loves me. I know what happens when he starts this. I love him. He grabs my face and starts kissing me… rough. It’s okay I like it like that but I’m just not in the mood. A little kissing wont hurt me though. His hands slide hungrily down my body. Please don’t not today. I’m tired. I’ve been fighting for a long time. I haven’t slept, eaten and barely spoke in days. Can’t he see […]

The title. I’ve been circling around it for years, and I’m finally here. Not on the going through with the process, but the decision. And to think my astrological sign was going to get lucky from May 16 to the end of the year or more. What an astounding lie.