earlier today I spied the exit door, but instead I saw it as a threat to my family….. and now I feel truly awful for slamming the damn thing

I could be dead now, people would be shopping for coffins, instead of offering feeble comfort. My back fence neighbor is committed to stealing natural gas, and if that was all it was good on him trying to beat the system,

but every time he tries he introduces danger into the equation and risks my life and property into the bargain. To think it might have been as easy as lighting a match….. I’m trying to convince myself […]

So many want to escape their life- so do I.
Most people choose drugs to do so- drugs, alcohol, etc- to numb themselves.
I never wanted to go down that rabbit hole, but escape from my shitty reality would feel so good.
Well, I wouldn’t want a temporary illusion that drugs or alcohol could give me- I want real change.

But I am too broken and too fucked up at this point to fix my life. Hell, back when I *DID* have all the energy and determination, all I got was kicked into the dirt. Every time I got back up- shitty people/the Universe- […]

My life is so broken.
*I* am so broken.

I want to leave this clusterfuck of a situation.
Do I want to end my life?
Not necessarily.
Do I want, no, NEED a better life?
I sure fucking do.

Many of us here who are suicidal don’t necessarily want to die die, but want to escape their shitty life. IF we had better lives, better situations, better health, more money, less problems, would we still be so fucked up we’d want to die? Maybe some still would. But I would be much happier/better off if I had a better life. I wouldn’t think […]

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Hear me out, im not stalking you. If you took some AP maybe those persecutionary delusions would go away im not saying that to be mean either….i went through the same thing 6 years ago. Im only on here and reddit btw. The last time you tried to talk to me you started off by saying you didnt want to talk to me all the while i was just there talking to chenoas daughters. You even blamed me for everyone knowing you watch me, you basically admitted you were stalking me and yet you think its me? Ive been on this site even before i […]

This shit is getting so irritating and stressful. I’m actually glad I told myself I’m going to do it come 2025. It’s a funny thing to have it planned out so far away, but I don’t know why I just feel the date is significant and poetic for me. And Two years is not so far away either. Like I can experience a couple things and see a couple things before I go and that timeframe is perfect for me. It’s like a huge vacation I have planned a couple years from now that I am looking forward to, and all the bullshit I’m dealing […]

Why, pray tell, do I always think that getting rid of all of the things that i enjoy in my life is going to significantly improve it somehow? All these fucking guys on youtube and social media man. AND NOT EVEN THAT!

I havent texted my friend for like a week because she ghosted me a few times now and I’m like okay. What’s the issue? But I can’t figure out how to ask her that. 

And then there’s this other girl, who isn’t even good for me, that I for some reason still think about even though I tried to cut contact with her like 3 […]

If you could only have ONE wish, what would it be? (and no wishing for unlimited wishes)

last night, ugh. I’ve been trying to lower my dose accross the board, particularly with sleep trying to get to sleep with the least physically possible. Specifically this is because of my distaste for the limitations of lithium, but all of my sleep meds cause problems in my waking life.

and with two setbacks in a week…. it’s time to admit my approach isn’t working. I was also trying tapering down my day meds, since it’s a huge interconnected mess, and I’d like to be free entirely. Turns out that 11 years of medicating isn’t that easy to reverse. The last time I did it, at […]

it all seems so pointless, like sweeping a dirty floor but you don’t have a dustpan so you keep finding new places to hide the dirt. Now it’s under a table, now it’s behind a bookcase, now it’s in a corner, it doesn’t matter because it’ll never go away.

Well the big ‘news’ is I’ve quit SH (my regular method) going on a month or more. I got sick of cleaning up the mess so I just stopped. But it immediately got channeled into a different vice (back to drugs, which I had quit for most of the year). So there’s that huge pile of dirt […]

I’ve been carrying this self-disgust for a long time now. A large part of me just wants to stop. I don’t have the courage to, but I kind of wish someone else would do it for me. That would be a gift. That would be the compassionate thing to do – just put me out of my misery. I wouldn’t ask anyone to go through that though.

The things I’ve done and the things in my head contaminate everything else I do and am. I can’t see myself or think of myself except in reference to them. They define me. I gave up any claim I […]

I keep thinking about the girl from Arkansas, the strangers who cried for her, wishing they could have somehow known and opened their heart to her.

I do, too. I understood, I’m in the same dark room. I attempted in March, and felt freedom watching my skin turn pale as it flooded my bloodstream. My lungs, the caves in my […]

Dear little brother, you are so annoying sometimes. I know, that’s kinda your job. But we’re adults (sorta).

He’s that kind of person who just complaints about everything I do! I’m just going about my day and he nit-picks ‘quirks’ and turns them into something ugly. “Why do you do that?” <- basically this, all the freaking time

I have clouds over my head enough as it is and you’re adding towards an comfortable space that I have build, with just misery.

Tough to admit, that I hate that trait about you. Maybe with happiness comes a different view on life for ya.

i can’t do this anymore. i am tired. exhausted. and just done. i can’t listen to one more insult or comment made about all my insecurities. its like its a loophole that im stuck in, a labyrinth with no escape and just insults and comments. if i reply then i am disrespectful, if i don’t then i am not listening. if i get angry then i am ill-mannered and if i don’t then im shameless. i can’t face those people again. the same people that i am forced to see every day and everyday i feel as if i should just not be here for […]

Individual people as well as humans as a species.

since yesterday, I feel like I can’t smile. like it’s a sin or something for a person like me to smile. but still, I do because if I don’t I won’t really help. I got scolded, I was told that I am someone who shouldn’t be trusted – as if I did not know that myself – but then too I kept smiling like nothing happened.

but today it was harder than other days because I felt as if there was someone inside me stopping me from smiling, from being normal. it’s like there is someone inside me who just wants to escape my body just […]

I’ve been thinking about you. Wondering if you’re happy and healing, out there. You subtly vanished. And that’s ok, as long as nothing bad happened to you. I read your stuff and rooted you on. I’m here if you come back.  Actually, I’ll probably always be here, like a regular in a bar. Or a god damn janitor.

Y’know many people say that they wanna be popular and how they don’t wanna be alone? well let me tell you something that isn’t commonly said

being popular doesn’t help. having “friends” -real or fake doesn’t matter- doesn’t help. infact it just becomes more of a burden.

especially when you have social anxiety

I don’t love you
I never did
I have never truly loved anyone
How can i when all i want to do is die
You make me feel worse
Worse than all the bullies at school
Worse than my family’s disgust towards me
Worse than how i view myself
I thought it couldn’t get worse than that
You somehow always beat me to it
Congrats
I dream of seeing you suffer from when you find out i actually did it
I know you think im a fucking coward
I know you think im weak and dumb
Do you even see anything good in me
You’ll […]