Hi all,

I’ve been a lurker on the site for a good while, I first came across the site more than 10 years ago I’d say, and started visiting frequently in the past year or two. I sometimes saw posts that I wanted to comment on but hesitated, but eventually figured I might as well create a post, even if it’s pretty bad.

My life is pretty bad, and pretty empty, and my mind is usually heaving under the strain of constant thinking…I think of it like an old computer that’s full of files and is sorting through them in the background, meaning that the available memory […]

what do you do with it?

Just a light-hearted post.

Me- I’d keep it, unless I saw someone actually drop it.
Me- What I’d do with it? Probably buy some me some “nice” food somewhere. I know, $20 ain’t fine dining, but whatever. Or some ice cream… 😛

You- ?

What would it be?

While money won’t 100% take away my depression and all my issues, it sure would help eliminate or reduce a good 80% of them. Money IS important. Money DOES make one “happy,” either directly or indirectly (by reducing stress, etc).

Anyone who says “money is not important” is either well off, never had to struggle, had parents who always took care of them, or are in denial.

Anyways, I wish I had 5 Million USD (or Euro, or Pound, or KWD) so I can just bounce and do whatever I want and go wherever I want. Ah…won’t that be the life, to not have […]

Really, even though I got off early today and was grateful for it, that gut urge to run was still with me. It’s animal, deny yourself too much I think is part of it. As much better as I am, I’m working too hard still. I got caught at it, it really is my biggest flaw to run myself down physically and not be at my physical median at least half the time. We talked about professionalism in the opening course, I know my health isn’t professional….

See, work/life balance isn’t professional, because one makes more demands sometimes. When work does, it is always abusive, and […]

And all the rich assholes that make life hell on Earth for us. Paying people the lowest possible wages, giving us the shittiest customer service reps who are fucking slow and incompetent. Spent 2 HOURS on Chat with SEVERAL agents, plus several more on the Phone. SEVEN agents later- And issues are STILL not fixed. JFC.

If talking to stupid and useless CSR’s for HOURS don’t make you want to blow your brains out, then you’re lucky.

I’ve been treading water for so long, allowing myself to sink lower little by little. And there’s this struggle between the part of me that’s trying to be rational, and act like an adult. And the part that just doesn’t care, about anything.

Honestly, I don’t have the conviction necessary to end my life. Do I want to die? Kind of? Maybe? A lot of the time I don’t care to live this life. But that’s not enough, if you’re someone like me. I need to be sure, to ever go through with anything.

And rationally, until I reach that point, if I ever do, I need […]

I hate how evil and selfish and cruel people can be. I hate how they like to target people like me because they know I don’t have enough confidence to stand up for myself. I hate how whenever I try to tell someone about how helpless I feel they just tell me to fight back like that’s so easy. If I had a button to turn off the side of me that desires human connection, I would press it in a heartbeat.

And, yes, I know I shouldn’t take the things people say about me to heart, but it just hurts so much when […]

Deep in.

My dog died.

It’s not that I don’t take anyone seriously. It’s more that I take people a varying degree of seriously.  Ended up in the weeds for a bit, sorry. I feel like I’m barely keeping up right now.

Anyway. as nice as I am I think most people are full of shit. No matter how clever someone is, they’re going to believe in someone or something that I know is a grift, and then I’m going to have to think less of them. Adam Conover is a bit of a different breed, because he knows he’s an infotainment comedian. He’s got a bachelor’s degree […]

I had to accept my father and I have an aversion to each other. I convened many a camp David, in what proved to be vain attempts at establishing civil relations but  had to accept we repel each other, magnet- like, it was decreed by fate that we couldn’t get along. Such is life.

With my favourite of favourites,  my first choice , it was the opposite. I was drawn towards her, magnet- like.  It was decreed by fate that we would get together.  Of course that evaporates after a few months, such is life.

when i step off that cliff i want to be fearless, i don’t want to be drunk. i can’t be scared of the pitch blackness that will follow, i hope that somehow i will dream forever and this is what heaven is. poison is another option, i’m not confident in identifying this plant though.

i have a customer facing job, i see more way more people than i’m comfortable with. i can clearly see how far gone i am, i do not get your jokes and idioms and references to the human life. i’m nothing and i never want to be anyone. i have achieved that […]

She returned to her empty room and immediately lay face down on her pillow. The dark had been the most consistent friend after the void left in her heart following their break up. He missed him. Missed having his lips all over her that it disgusted her to touch herself. Missed his presence until eating became a chore to cross off the list rather than a human need.

Miss him all she wanted, he still expected the most out of her by giving less than the bare minimum. She wanted to get on a stool and wear the forever necklace. She wanted to […]

I live in their house. I share the house with my mother and her mother. I hate both. I’m 35 years old and I haven’t been able to stay somewhere else. I’m jobless.

After 10 years of being alone and slowly spiraling to being homeless and losing everything I ever had – I feel like I have put forth a diligent effort. For me to think that things will improve is only lying to myself. I’m 53. My life is over. The worst part of me anticipating my suicide in my mind is the empty void loneliness. I did not ask for any of this and I cannot wait to Float Away like a balloon…. 

Living in this fishbowl year after year has really become a drag. Why cant I find anything good in it. I just want get away, I want fly away. You all can have it. I do not see any good.

Was in the same room as my father we’d fucking kill each other.  Even his voice is like a pneumatic drill being pressed through my ear.

Can I choose to be a different thing?
Why can’t I be a god and do all the things I want

Warning spoilers ahead for 2019 independent horror/fantasy/thriller Daniel Isn’t Real.

Considering I didn’t publish the last post I wrote, maybe the warning is pointless, maybe it is all pointless.

Anyway you’d think I’d someday watch enough horror movies about mental illness, but it hasn’t happened yet.  Luke, our lead has a mother with Schizophrenia and is really validly worried that he also has it, since his imaginary friend is giving him command hallucinations. Command hallucinations are a feature of schizophrenia and some other psychotic disorders where your hallucinations (usually audio but sometimes visual) tell you to do things.

In the movie Daniel can take over Luke’s body. Anyway […]

Why aren’t we as humans made to be in the best relationships with each other?
Why do the individual differences have to stand out and dominate when they’re not good for better relationships ?

I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t of been a defect, from the very start of my life there’s been something wrong with me and I had to figure out the world as an outsider. I got lucky, parents with insurance, money, or unlucky, I never decided if all these years of correction did me any good.

The point I reached relatively early was that if I ever had the power, I’d do better by a young person in the position I was in than the people did by me.

Well I guess now I’m going to have that chance like I never have before. […]