From such a young age I have experienced so much pain. Age of 8 the most dear person in the world passed away, my granddad, the only person in the world who loved me more than my parents. Age 10 turned to smoking as a pain reliever and have been addicted ever since. Age 11 got moved half way around the world to a place I had no knowledge of, came back to UK a year later for holiday only to find out my dad has another wife and a child with her who was 4 years of age at the time, having committed bigamy. […]
Why is it at night I wanna cut?
Burn my arm with that cigarette butt,
Feel that rush running though my veins,
That sweet sensation of pain,
Some nights I want to take the blade right along my neck,
End the misery, the pressure but out of all that what do I really get?
Then I think I should just do this,
I know for a fact I won’t really be missed.
People will be happy to see me go,
Didn’t think people could be so low.
They are the real soul takers,
And dream breakers.
Funny how when its morning my thoughts are gone,
Right at the crack of dawn,
I forget about the blade, the tablets, the […]
You beat me down,
You struck me low,
Don’t know how far you think I can go.
You don’t know what it’s like to be me,
Look through my eyes and you will see,
How hurt I am,
You don’t give a fucking damn,
I’d rather die than listen to another lie.
All I ever wanted was your love,
Doesn’t seem that you have enough.
Can’t you see it’s killing me inside,
I’m sure you’ll be sorry once I’ve died.
You made me smile,
you made me cry,
I missed you so much I wanted to die.
All of the pain,
the tears I shed,
was worth it all,
when we met.
The sadness and sorrow,
will always follow,
now I am waiting for a better tomorrow.
It will come,
no matter what it takes,
and I will not be the one who breaks.
We will be together,
despite the weather,
and you will be the one who makes it all better.
Why do you do
All the things that you do?
Do you hurt me on purpose
And lie to me too?
I feel like crying,
Inside I am dying.
Why am I buying
All the things that you’re trying?
Why am I always the one who has to change,
Why do I always have to change my ways?
I still have a question for you,
Will you ever change
Or just do what you do?
And like always,
treat me like a fucking fool.
There are no more chapters in this life. No more pages in this book. Just the back cover, which is as hard as a rock.
It’s time to go.
Yeah, I’ve lost a lot of weight due to my depression. 40lbs in 4 months. I not really sure why I don’t eat. It’s not like I’m not hungry. I make a meal, eat half of it, put the rest in the fridge. The next day, I eat like half of the half and put it away. The next day I eat another half of a half of a half. I throw the last 1/8th of the meal out then. I try to force myself to finish, but it feels like I’m going to be sick if I take another bite.
Then I also get the […]
Today my ‘father’ found out I was hospitalized three weeks ago. I had been keeping this from him because, honestly, I felt he didn’t deserve to know. A friend at the time had abused my trust, called the police on me, and I was sent to the hospital and kept there due to the fact I had cuts on my arm. Fresh cuts. I was put in therapy and am back on medication, which I am grateful for. I just wish the situation hadn’t panned out as it had.
I digress. He noticed I was talking about my medication online and he asked me what I […]
The hardest thing is being so tired all the time. They all say to get outside, that experiences are the rungs with which to climb out of these dark times. My armor is too heavy to lift, the joints too rusted to bend, it splinters off, catching under the fingernails of the people around me- invisible and uncomfortable. When I was 9 my father died. When I was 11 my mother’s boyfriend was verbally and physically abusive. When I was 17, the “good man” my mother left the abusive one for cheated and divorced her. By 20 I was the subject of abuse in the […]
I’m 24 years old Ive had suicidal thoughts since I was 12. Ive tried to kill myself 3 times, but only the third time sent me to the hospital. in the first time I took a lot of sleeping pills and I only slept for over 24 hrs. in the second time I took a whole bottle of pain killers like Tylenol, I threw up nonstop for 6 to 7 hrs. there are periods of time when my suicidal thoughts seem to be gone, but they always come back. I’ve been contemplating suicide a lot lately and I’m just afraid I will fail like the […]
So about a month ago I switched from mental health institution. My first impression by my new mental health institution was really good, they were really understanding and REALLY listened to me. So I said that I thought that EMDR-therapy would probably (saying that to every therapist I meet for 2 years now, but nobody wanted to do that) and a week ago I started with that. I’m so glad that they finally listened to me, because I see so much improvements already after 3 sessions. And also my parents do. And also this institution confirm my feeling that I have PTSD. I still have […]
I now it may sound arrogant and selfish and i do apologise in advance, but i just wanted to see whether I am the one and only who feels like that. Basically, I often read the posts here and i come across really sad stories, some people go through really tough times in their life and i do fully empathise with them. Â In my case, I Â cant say that I have major problems in my life meaning, i have a partner, ok job, few friends etc. So nothing really major to report.
However, I constantly feel like ending my life as i do not see any […]
I was named after my father, but have always been called by my middle name, Jay. I am the youngest of 3 children born to Walter and Jackie Hale in 1955. I was raised on the road as my father worked for a major construction firm building pipelines all over the country (and world). I have driven through or set foot in all 50 states and have lived in Canada. I was closest to my sister and mother. My brother and I might just as well have been the Hatfields and McCoys. My father and I never really connected. Mom and I were so alike in […]
I love nights, and I love dreaming. I dont give a fuck that dreams are illusions, they make me feel happy for a few hours. But why in hell do I have to wake up every single time? I am finally feeling great, as if depressions were over and a new chapter in my life has begun; and then BAAAM. Reality punches me straight in the face. “You actually thought you could ever be happy? HAHAHA, forget it.” As if it had the plan to let me feel how great my life could be only to destroy all my hopes in a single second.
Reality is […]
I have so many issues I just can’t deal with anymore. I’m trying to get out of bed to live my life, but what’s the point? Everything seems daunting. I can’t sleep, eat, my memory is shot. I keep crying. I just need life to take it easy on me, to throw a bone for once. I feel selfish and terrible for obsessing over myself like this. I don’t know who to talk to, all my friends know I have bouts of depression but know nothing about attempts and cutting. I just want to be normal. Sorry everyone. Just needed to put that out there. […]
I can’t stop thinking about her.
Been over a week since my last poem so thought it was time to do a new one.
Once again, inspired by a conversation I’d had with another SP member, and once again one that I think needs to be built on – still feels a little unfinished to me.
Like always, the poem is beneath the audio.
I Get It
When I read the news and see the tales of all the people that were brave enough to muster the strength it takes to pay their dues, take flight, let go and say their last goodnight,
I feel hypocritically sad for them, I feel that they shouldn’t have.
In the last two weeks, I have had more and more thoughts of committing suicide. I have also gotten closer to self-harm, than I ever have before. I thought that I would be able to cope better, since I started getting help, but I was wrong. Quite frankly, it scares me.
I’m scared of the following things:
Beginning another depressive cycle
My girlfriend breaking up with me
Actually self-harming
People finding out that I have thought about this
Those same people judging me
Potentially being put into a mental institution
Attempting Suicide
Feeling like i have no one to turn to
I keep trying to change my thinking, but it’s hard. I don’t think I […]