if someone gave me a gun right now, i wouldn’t even hesitate to shoot myself.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/tmp_02-the_front_bottoms-maps-2076840222.mp3 Every day is the same repetition of mundane tasks at work and the same panic and emptiness waiting in the background until I am alone with my thoughts. I’m out of friends, out of dreams, and out of hope. My motivation is so non-existent that I can’t even go through with my plans for suicide. It’s too much work to write the notes and find a place and get everything in order first. Last time I was spontaneous and tried all I got was a sore neck and face full of mud. The only thing I look forward to anymore is getting so […]
I failed my second quarter of college. I failed my parents. I failed my siblings. I failed myself. The fact that I actually tried. Like I really tried.. to see F … F … F … on my transcript just made me sick to my stomach. It’s like a waste of time, money, mental health. I’m subject for disqualification now and I don’t know how to handle this. I’ve never failed a class before. Let alone THREE all at once. I have no one to blame but myself.
indefinitely as i drift among the currents, indefinitely will i vie for optimal position in the flow.
But… lately i’ve been feeling that feeling, much more deeply; less indefinitely…
And maybe it’s just time… or almost time… and i’m not really sure what good waiting will ever do, if it’s all i can do, and only without any chance to make any of the changes overdue.
So many things, circumstances, scenarios, all converging and intersecting at once… that i can’t really even… communicate, i guess.
Too many things went wrong, long ago, and started a bunch of chain reactions, which have all been feeding into and compounding each other, […]
This damn site is like the std that just won’t go away.
I get away but I always comeback.
I need to get my shit together.
Or let my shit fall apart.
Or maybe I just need to shit.
Either which way, my physical life is on the upward bound!
Alas, my mental life is slowly diminishing.
I’m missing the bridge the connects the two and makes everything fucking rainbows and butterflies.
Hello, again.
im in this trap and there’s only one way out.
I had made plans that today would be the day that I would kill myself. I planned on walking up the cannon packing my gun in a back pack, I would go off the trail and go to a little cave like structure and put a bullet in between my eyes. I had walked to the location before, I know exactly where it was going to be. Now that I think about it I don’t think that I have the guts to go through with killing myself. Im scared to shoot myself, even though death is what I want the most in this world, Im […]
I’m sitting here listening to my mother and grandparents babble about all the bad news going on in the world.
I already woke up with an anxiety attack which is now turning into anger, and I have to have a clear mind so I drive to the store later and then to the crazy doctor. Really I just want to throw my cup of coffee against the room and punch a few holes in the wall and tell everyone in the kitchen to shut the hell up.
Just fuck man. Am I crazy?
warning i am writing this out of lonliness, i am telling my story that may be traumatic and triggering to others and my journey so far. i am leaving out some strong details, but i will leave subtle hints to the other things i experienced which others will understand if they’ve experienced also.
Why is it? some people are just always last? always the scum to everyone else?
When you try so hard in your life and people say your doing great but you know your going no where inside, when you scream but no one hears you?
When you can’t get close to anyone anymore, when i […]
There were hands everywhere, so many hands grabbing at me, greedy hands, get off of me, greedy hands, lights flashing, clicking, blurry vision, light, dark, chatter, noise, I’m so confused, I’m so cold, I’m so sad…..
I have drifted into something, somewhere I don’t understand, something I never meant for….
I’ve been born?
Oh God, no.
Oh no, God.
I’ve been born.
It’s the worst day of my life.
This is the first day of my time in hell.
Worst day, first day…for without a first day, there could be no second day, no third day, no 11,322th day…..
Oh what have I done to be cursed like this! Wretched little body. Wretched little room.  Wretched little world.
“In that place there will […]
Hi. I’m.. well, I’d rather not state my name. I’m 13 years old- shocker, yeah? No, I’m not some “emo” kid looking for attention. All I ask is to not be underestimated. I know I’m too young to be this sad, but I guess that’s just how it is.. So, I guess I’m just going to let it all out. I’m setting my life out here because why not?
My depression. It all started when I was eight, my family was falling apart. My parents split up, and I didn’t know how to feel. My mom was crying herself to sleep every night and I thought it […]
i really hope he gets a wakeup call one of these days. fuck you! i fucking changed. i don’t give a fuck if thats how i was in my past. how fucking dare you insult me like that. this is how i feel now and thats part of growing up and making mistakes. i don’t want to fuck around anymore. i have fucking feelings. i am also in fucking love and i fucking am not going to be degraded by you. fuck you. i don’t care what you say. i mean this. you just fucking keep hurting me. fuck you for tearing someone down this […]
Still fighting. Lets do it together. Make it through some more days. Try, be good people. Lets do it.
i hate everything about my life, i am in the biggest trap and i can’t get out of it. its impossible.
Have you ever been worried that you might know someone on this site? That they would recognize you… that they could be here and even talk to you but neither know each other? I realize I know so many people that are depressed and might frequent this site.
Extra credit: Do you have co-dependency? How do you manage it? Any advice or questions?
Lastly, ask me something. I’d say AMA but I wouldn’t answer anything… just most things. I am sick and in need of a distraction tonight.
yes the world may be depressing and cruel.
yes people suck and will let you down, disappoint you, anger you, sadden you, and hurt you.
yes your own brain can become addicted to harmful substances and becomes astonishingly susceptible to psychological diseases that shorten your lifespan and ruin your body.
yes…….other stuff!
but thank God for the internet. where i can buy, look up, read, research, watch and communicate with just about anything at the click of a button.
thank you God for giving me the chance to live in the 21st century. also thank you for booze (thats been around for BILLIONS of years).
if i don’t graduate my life will be over. i one hundred percent will have to end it. i don’t want that. i want a life so badly. i want to graduate, i want a job. these two classes are making it impossible, and so is he more than anything. i’ve lost. i really have. if he keeps harassing me, i lose. if he disappears, i lose. i can’t focus. there isn’t a day that goes by that i don’t cry and cry and cry. every person I’m around really doesn’t want to be around me because all i do is complain and get angry […]
Somebody told me today to write three paragraphs about something that would make me want to stick around.
So here it is. Â And it might come as a surprise:
To stop being selfless. It’s the only thing that has even slight potential to want to make me live. I realized that I’ve always done things for others. I was always there for everybody else. I always worked to please others. I made sure to take anybodies problems on to my own shoulders when I could.
Then the thing I realized that’s killing me is . . . guilt. When I can’t make things go right for anybody I […]