I’m in that mood again, pain is consuming my entire body.  Every day is the same, nobody listens. Nobody cares about me.  Can’t they see I’m hurting?  Can’t they love me?  My name is Hurt.  It defines me and my entire existence.  I’m tired of waiting for things to get better.  I can’t seem to find that Hope.  When can I stop hoping?  When can I just end it all?  I didn’t ask to be born.  I didn’t ask to exist.  So why can’t I just – not exist?  It’s not like anybody would care.  I can’t handle much before I fall apart.  I need […]

I have only four true friends at the moment. Trying to make new friends for me use to be so easy… now not so much.

Anyways, I made a Facebook status, just thanking my four true friends for staying by my side no matter what.

My old ‘best friend’ saw it, seeing I didn’t include her. Note that I didn’t include her because  she never speaks to me, she makes promises she NEVER keeps, and she tries to invite me and our other best friend to her house, only to ditch us last minute.

I got tired of how she treated me, so I just kind of stopped […]

or the mitigation of pain project? They’re obviously related, but the essential focus is radically diferrent.

Something intense happened last night. While driving on the highway, I nearly hit a girl staring blankly into traffic on the border of the shoulder and my lane. I called the authorities, exited and swung around on the service road. I got out, ruined my new shoes on the muddy embankment :P, and went up to her on the highway. She was crying, distraught, and talking about how a friend just died. I slowly climbed over the guardrail (looking back, I probably shouldn’t have done that, kinda dangerous) and told her I would love to listen to whats going on, but its so noisy. I […]

when your ex-valentine (to whom you were married to for years, and whom you still adore and love deeply) has left you, and may be with another ?

I’ve tried not to be depressed, and I’ve tried not to let suicidal thoughts creep back into my mind.  One tenet of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that if someone can change the way he or she thinks that will affect their behavior–sort of the scientific version of the power of positive thinking.

When I was released from the hospital and my residential treatment program I could relate to CBT.  It was last July that I transitioned to out-patient treatment.  For so long I haven’t had suicidal thoughts.  But that’s changing, and I’m thinking more and more of killing myself.  (There I said it.)  Being hospitalized and […]

For me Valentine’s day is a day which I love. Why? Because I, myself can give out love. Can make the people around me know that I truly love them. That I’m here for them no matter what. That I will help them. That we will fight together on any issue they have. But in a way I hate it. Why? Because all I want is to be loved. Loved by someone who won’t break my heart. Loved by someone who will help me through this. Loved my someone. Just loved. Is that too much to ask for? It’s all I ever […]

Lonely ..Lonely.. Lonely

This day makes me feel even more alone.
OHHHH I hate love … and I hate not being in LOVE…

should I buy myself some flowers? sure it’s pathetic, but who says I can’y buy myself flowers?

Any depressed girls here in the city who want to just talk?  Im not trying to hook up but I have unsuccessfully on dating sites.  Just being honest.  Ive attempted suicide several times.  I even shot up motor oil once.  My latest plan is to….  well I dont want to give it away.   Everything thinG I do turns to shit.  Btw …. guys…  quit hitting on me.  (Males)                                                                         […]

My life and my body are broken.  My health is bad and I have no one to help me.  I can’t deal with life anymore.  I am having a hard time taking care of myself, just the basics.  And I have no one.  I have nothing except pain and misery.

I really can’t take it anymore.  There is no escape from my misery except death.  I feel cheated out of life.  I haven’t had a fair chance at life and now my body is dying.  And I’m all alone.  If I die, nobody in my life would give a damn.

I’m really tired of this bullshit called […]

I’m 17.

Turning 18 in a few months.

I’m 17. A senior in high school. I’ve been around for less than two decades and I feel like I’ve been around forever. Time passes by too slowly, each day is longer than the next.

I don’t think I can do it anymore.

I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting myself, of struggling, of not sleeping, of my thoughts, of the loudness, of the pain, of the medication.

I just wish that my brain would be quiet. It’s too loud. Everything hurts.

please

make it stop

Why do so many bad things have to happen to me?  Just how much more am I expected to handle?  It’s not just one thing or ten things; it’s been so much more than that.  Part by part, my body is being destroyed.  I go to different practioners for help but they only wind up making me worse and have given me MORE health problems that I didn’t initially have.  I am 33 but have health problems of a 73 year old.  I am just fucked.

I now have problems with my both my legs, in addition to my original problems with my lungs, my heart, […]

I’ve thought about this off and on for several years… I think about it and plan I now more than ever. In the past, I attempted constantly, and of course failed just as constantly. (I apologize for any mistakes that may occur as I’m stubbornly using a mobile phone in bed). The one method I keep coming back to is overdosing on alcohol rectally (because my body clearly has a tendency to puke up harmful things. Stupid body). I am a tiny individual. 5″3′ and 98 pounds. I do not drink alcohol on a regular basis (or at all really) and therefore don’t have a […]

Just curious, and I can’t seem to sleep again.

Do you remember those summer childhood moments spent carefree and happy, when you were filled with hope for your bright future?  I do.  I look back, and think, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong to make it get this bad? I also remember a childhood gone wrong – a childhood of sadness wishing it would all just go away.  I remember a young me, not too long ago, wanting it all to end.  And that’s still the me today.  I’ve always felt like I were on the outside looking in.  I’ve always felt somehow different – as if there were something setting […]

Just because it’s Valentines Day doesn’t mean you need to celebrate with a significant other. Take the time to tell your family & loved ones how much they mean to you. Sometimes I don’t feel like I tell them enough so this is just another excuse because, let’s be honest- it’s just another day of the year so technically it’s Valentines day everyday. Most of all, remember to continue to LOVE yourself . Take care of yourself. Take care of your heart. I’m gonna take the moment to tell you guys right now that I love you guys… *big hugs*.

Maybe […]