Bodhidharma

enjoy! 🙂

Hello… I’m Kelly and I’m new here. I know I need help. The only problem is I don’t think I want help. I like the pain, and I like the feeling of loneliness that comes at night. Only I’m getting tired of this escapade. It’s all getting a little crowded. I don’t know what to do.

Why is it that people who have good lives, die? And why is it that people who have bad lives, live? Why must we continue to suffer? It doesn’t seem fair to me. We want to die, so that we no longer live in pain. It’s our choice. So why do they keep us alive? Those who want to live, should live. Those who want to die, should die.

It’s our wish. Why must anyone stop us from what we desire? Let it be. We want to end our suffering. Keeping us on constant watch only pushes us to want it more. Death. It sounds so […]

Hmmm….I think about how religion keeps insisting that god needs money and that he is so interested in tax free organizations …. So God can collect but he can’t contribute towards the national debt? ….Jesus saves though right?…yeah saving your fucking tithes for his holy mansion because he not paying Uncle Sam shit!! …

I’m just saying if YOU believe in god why can’t you keep it to yourself? God has no need for money (when I say “God” let me be clear this is in reference to the Christian belief this is NOT me indicating a belief in anything but for the purpose of discussion […]

I’ve been fantasizing about my suicide for years. Up until today I just felt a lot of relief and peace from the thought. Now for the first time i feel a little panic and fear about dying. I feel like im hanging from a breaking thread hanging over a cliff it’s been “fun” till  now well maybe not fun exhilarating maybe like driving too fast. Now my inevitable suicide is close. I wish things had been different. I don’t want to die…suicide is the last resort. This fast drive has been “fun” till now. It’s finally set in just how  fast the brick wall is […]

Why is my suffering, I was sexually abused at the age of ten and did not tell anyone
Four years ago, the person who caused me to spread the news of sexual assault
Then my life became a living hell
I had many friends , But they have abandoned Me
Was my last year at university , I finished my studies with great difficulty because of the racism and contempt and insults reviews
Changed people’s perceptions of me, no one walks with me no one speaks to me
Looks hate pursuing me everywhere , I’m afraid to walk in the street
My family treat me […]

While my mind thinks all day constantly of my hell I can’t escape even at night while I sleep I still haunt myself.  This causes me to wake up weaker then when I was born.  Scared to death, overwhelming sense of feeling alone, picture clear images of past shit the moment I wake up, fresh as if they just happened.  Cold sweat and never wanting to get up again until you have so much energy unless my depression keeps me down the restlessness leaves me no other choice but to wake up.  Go threw the day only to eventually pass out again and go threw […]

what the fuck do you want from me………

I am who I am. You chose to not accept me, I did not ask to be here. I know I was never good enough, I was never good enough. why do people say pray? what does prayers do for me but give me false hopes. I see no change after prayer, the world still hates me after I pray. Whose choice was it to bring me into this this world, I never asked for my life, nor do I care about it. I am a lost soul who spent 30 years looking for acceptance and love and […]

I hardly even wake up today without my mother asking me stupid questions.

I was already on edge from yesterday and she keeps pushing me with her stupid question.  She always gets angry at me but she can’t realize what she did to me all these years.  I never wanted to blame her, only myself, but she hurt me too, I realize.  Held me back, made me dependent.  Sabotaged me unwittingly.

I feel the need to cry, but I can’t.  Not anymore.  Not in a long time.

I had a dream that I married a nice girl who seemed somewhat relatable to me.  Deep down I knew I’d […]

My mom and I are leaving my dad. In less than a month.

The thing is, it won’t be simple. I wished for things to get better blowing a candle the day of my birthday,  as a Christmas miracle too. We won’t have much money to start this because despite of his alcoholism,  my dad is especially good at making money. This sudden moving plan is poorly planed,  but we are desperate. We are moving to a different town, have no real home there or stable job for my mom. Fortunately we have my grandparents, they will give us a place to stay while we get […]

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right […]

I have a small group of friends, and we’re pretty close. One friend has a roommate that has OCD and anxiety. Just several days ago we had a conversation about her, and I couldn’t believe how much bashing, judging, and hating my friends had for the poor roommate.

I myself had a major depression 2 years ago, and all of them know about it. Back then I was so afraid that if I suicide, I’d hurt many people, so I tried to hang on and fight back. I wouldn’t deny that they do care for me some time. However I did realize they judge my emotion, […]

Assume yourself as a “species from other galaxy” and you have been observing humans from past 25 years.

how do you rate a human life?

I give 3/10

After spending a few hours on this site and reading a lot of others stories, I have decided to share mine. I have no idea where to start; it seems I have battled depression my entire lifetime. My first memories really are of being locked in my room, bruised and beaten… crying, wondering if all kids lived that type of life. My father was a very abusive man to not only me, but my mother. I would stand and protect my brother and sister and took beatings, upon beatings for them. I was molested by my dads best friend several times from the ages of […]

I am going to start writing diary, again. 5 years ago it changed my life; who knows, maybe it will do that magic again.

My heart is blackened,

From what I allow you to see.

But deep down inside,

I just want to be free.

My life has become a nightmare,

From which I can’t wake up
I don’t know how much I can take on,

I just want to give up.
The days are sad & long,
the nights lonely & so endless.
Stuck all by myself,

Truly the most self-hated & defenseless.

How easily it would be for me,

To take it to a premeditated distance.

Cutting off all life forces,

And cease to be in existence.

Then I see my children’s faces,

Crying trying to […]

Do you know what it’s like to not belong anywhere? Every single person belongs to someone else. They have bonds that go back a while. There’s no room for me anywhere, with anyone. I’m too late to fit in anywhere. There’s always somebody better than I am. It’s funny, how all I want is for people to like me yet I have no one to feel at home with. The loneliness nips my insides, constantly reminding me it’s never going to go away. I’m a waste of a human, a failure at life. I don’t deserve the oxygen I breathe, someone else could use it […]

Do you ever feel like you can’t let anyone in? That you can’t tell anyone about your suicidal urges or depression, because you know one day, you’re gonna commit suicide? Like it’s your destiny? And if they get close like that and you self-destruct it’ll hurt them. I know it will hurt them alot. That’s why I made 3 huge mistakes in telling my three friends. Now whenever I go, I know it’ll just hurt them. And people wonder why suicidal people are anti-social. Sometimes you have to push everyone away to save them from the pain.

Do you ever get the feeling that happy people […]

The last month has been absolute shit for me.

After 6 months of being alone in Canada, I’m now back with my “family” for a month. I went to a psychiatrist, got new medication (Lithium, among other things), and I’m going to be admitted to an in-patient facility when I go back to Canada in a month.

I have a month to “relax” and “be with my friends”. Right

I’ve been isolating myself, locking myself in my room. I’ve officially started self harming again. My brain won’t stop, it literally won’t shut up or start working. Everything is multiplied.

To make things worse, I found a note in my […]

There is nothing so whole as a broken heart