It’s been another year of being alone sitting here with my thoughts and reflections I’ve fucked up I’m hoping to be dead come Christmas morning it’d be the best gift I could ever give!!!

I was 15 when I tried to kill myself. It was march 29th 2011. I had been in a deep depression since I had run away from home a little less than a year prior. My parents were drug addicts and my dad was a felon and a drug dealer. My mom was a paraplegic and a slut who fucked everyone and anyone. My older sister was a sociopath that murdered our rabbits and one of our dogs and tried to kill me with an axe which ended up with a trip to the hospital when I was only 5. Now that we have a […]

I’m still just waiting for that day to come again. The day where I’m not particularly excited over anything but I’m also not planning how I want to die or thinking about calories and cutting. What happened to all my normal days? The ones that filled the gaps between the good ones and the bad ones. Now it’s all just one big blur of anger and sadness. I hate it so much.

Have you ever hated yourself so much, and despised yourself so much that you threw up? Or that you wanted just to destroy your self? God I hate me.  And everyone who cuts themselves or starves themselves or hates themselves knows it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I hurt deep down so much that it bubbles up and I keep lashing out at people and then they hate me and I hate myself more. It’s a lethal circle.

I hurt because I feel like a failure who will never amount to anything. I know my friends who know about this are getting annoyed because […]

Well, here it is. Since I cannot actually pinpoint an exact event in my life to start any explaining and/or story-telling, I will just start from the very beginning; my childhood years.

5 – 7 years old

My kindergarten and  first-grade years. This was a while back, so let’s see what I can remember. I remember that in these years I was pushed around a lot, and experienced my first taste of being bullied. In these years I went to day care and there was this one girl, Madison. We were friends, (or so I thought), but looking back now I see that it was not the […]

so I don’t exactly know what to write, i feel like one of those typical depressed teenagers begging for sympathy. thats basically why this is the first time I’ll be talking about the way I’m feeling. i always feel like I’m bothering someone or sounding stupid if I talk about how I’m sad but I’m doing this not for replies but to just so I can get stuff out .. well I’m sad, obviously .. found this site from patheticly googling “how many sleeping pills will it take to overdose” god I’m a joke. it’s just like everyday I […]

I’m in a bad place again. Roads are icy and all I can think about is wrecking on purpose and dying so it looks like a real accident. In other words, suicide is always on my mind. I’m slipping and have no one to tell. . . Also opinions on checking yourself into a psych ward?

I wish telling people  how you feel was easy. I wish telling your parents that your suicidal and depressed was easy. I wish ending my life was easy and that it didnt hurt the ones closest to me. I want to just grab a knife and slit my wrists and lay here bleeding to death.

I am 14 years old. Suicidal, Depressed, and Anxiety disorder. I was never like this.. till grade 6 when my life fell apart. Lets just start from the beginning.. When i was younger my parents had split up.. well actually me my mom and brother ran away from my dad.. because he was abusing my mom and she couldnt take it anymore.. behind my moms back he was abusing me too, but she doesnt know that. After a few years she had met a guy (Lawrence) he was alright at first but after awhile he started abusing me and my older brother .(Lets just call […]

so its the end of the year-time to reflect. the grand conclusion you come to after reviewing my chart is that there is no mirth expressed anywhere. i don’t think that should come as any surprise to anyone. after all this site is about suicide. i see a shrink because i have major depression. not seeing where mirth fits in this scenario. btw you most definitely make me nervous/anxious. you have the power to incarcerate me and having used that power earlier in the year i try to mind my manners. it is not just you however. Wendy has been  added  as we have recently […]

If u could be doctor manhattan would u? to know ur entire past present n future simultaneously, to b invulnerable n never fear, never die or age, have the ability to manipulate even entire planets with ur mind, to be the only one of your kind, having to watch the world and those around u die n age as u remain forever the same, to be alone?

it was sinve the passing of my mother that ive lost that fullness in life, i feel empty. i lost my mom back in 2000 from cancer, there is not a day that goes by that i dont wish death upon myself. this last year has been a testament to where my life is going. 2yrs ago i fell 20 ft, landed on my head, suffered a severe head concussion and broke 3 vertebre in my back. my life, my thought process, my speech and even my movement was impacted by the fall. ive been wanting to end it all . im planning on using […]

i always feel like its just me against the world. Ive always been the kindof person with a sort of protective bubble or shield around me that no one can penetrate i kno my little bubble isnt ideal n wont help me feel any less lonely but it keeps me safe it makes me feel like i can handle things it gives me the confidence to be able to do things and kno that i will withstand the pressures of others. I also focus almost exclusively on myself making sure that when all is said n done that i achieve what i set out to […]

What scares me the most is how calm I am. How calm I am right now, and also how calm I was earlier this evening when I went out to do it.

Literally 45 minutes ago I was in a wooded area in a field, scarf tied both around a tree and around my neck. But I chickened out. It was weird, walking towards that place I felt no fear, regret, doubt. There was no inclination I would back out, intact I actually stood still at one point and said to myself ‘look, if you don’t want to do this turn around right now, I won’t […]

I wish I was a writer so I’d be able to write away these feelings, but I’m not. 26 letters, millions of ways to arrange them, and not a single one can set me free. Loneliness is a bitter thing, the way it creeps up on you. You can be surrounded by people, and still not belong. All I want is a place in this world, people who actually like me and want me around. I don’t want to be known as ___’s friend. I once belonged to a group of friends who decided they were fed up with my shit. The one year we […]

but im getting there im still kind of awkward I sometimes only sometimes though ill talk too fast and my sentence will sound like one big word but at least I almost weigh 160 and I talk to cute guys now and I have over 10 likes on my facebook picture I wear uggs and I have a coach bag I do have a piercing I go to thje mall I wear namebrand makeup Im not that weird, I just feel weird sometimes but I try not to show it

My biggest regret might be NOT throwing myself over the cliff of the mountain (real mountain) when I had the chance.

Why didn’t I throw myself off the cliff that day when I had the chance? When I could have made it look like a normal skiing accident? The only reason was because I thought I had finally found someone that loved and cared for me as I did him. I remember looking over the cliff with my skis on my feet and contemplating suicide after my group mates had all skied by. I listed all the reasons why I should kill myself, an opportunity like […]

I feel stupid writing this. I feel as if though all my problems are just exaggerated and foolish, and Im sorry if I come off as ignorant or stupid to you. I kind of am anyways. I dont know. Im sorry. Im writing this while sitting in the living room at my moms house. Im on my laptop listening to FFDP and Red, trying to ward out my moms weird stories and complaints of her day. Im tired. I drank a lot of monster today though, which would account for the crash Im going through right now, i guess. Though my hearts going about 1000 […]

so this cute guy just messeegd me on facebook and I talked to much and don’t know what to say now im having an anxiety attack and he keeps messegeing me his last messege was ‘???????’ im just like fuck don’t messege  me anymore

I stare unto the line between
The earth and sun’s effulgent gleam
light teeters through the curve of space
cascading to the floor with grace
vibrant tails and tongues of breath
lap up the stains of ancient death
whose darkness in the woods recede
as dawn begins to slowly bleed
O God, the chime of aubades cry
and sear the clouds and burnished skies
their luster thrown upon the ground
in waves congruous with morning’s sound

And thus a day is born anew
but still I am in love with you
O pity angel from above
whose wings beat softly, like a dove’s
O make birds […]