I want to end it today. I want to use the detergent method. I guess I’ll rent a cheap motel room, since I don’t have the house to myself. I can’t take another hour of living. I’m really at the end. I have no hope for anything. I am so fucked up mostly mentally but even physically. I am worthless. I can’t change things. There is really no hope for me. I wish I could just be put down humanely like a wounded animal would be. I am much more wounded than some of them are. This is not an impulsive decision. I have been […]

I’m done. And although there’s a sadness there, there’s an immense sense of relief.

I’m 34, and I’ve been fighting bipolar since I was 11. And it’s been a war, one I now know I’ve lost. I’m out of treatment options – been through therapy, been through pretty much every drug on the market, been through ECT and numerous other treatments. None of them have given me more than a year free of depression. And that year would be preceded by the gradual exit and then the gradual, inevitable decline. The latest one, I got 6 months out of it – and that was after 2 […]

Suicide has never been considered until now. I live in America the land of the free. Truthfully, I think you are only free in america if your parents are successful enough to actually support you. I come from poverty. I am another statistic, another fatherless ( due to death) minority that is very confused and forlorn by his own existence. I am not ugly, not out of shape, nor stupid. At first glance it would seem I have a lot going for me. However I never feel that way. I have always dreamed of going to school and help bring my perpetually poverty and poor choice […]

Human life is like a war-zone and every one must fight and live, if you are a suicidal then you are a coward (cuz you scared to live)

While fighting you identified human life is pointless, you thought of killing yourself but scared to die, you are also coward

Paradoxically, both types- suicidal & non-suicidal are cowards

Question is die or don’t die ?

After 3 days I know why I post here. It’s because I can say whatever the fuck I want to people who can sorta understand what I’m going through. I don’t have to interact with people. I just can throw stuff out there and never have to deal with conversation. My three friends (the only people I could actually call friends) know a lot about my MDD but not everything. It’s too much for me to give them details. It hurts them more than it helps me. One of them, Abigail (no last names), suffers from an anxiety/depression disorder. More anxiety than depression though. She […]

Most of my life I was never a fan of myself and my life. Anxeity and depression secretly ruled it even beyond my own knowledge.  17 was the beginning of my downfall.  Had little to no friends despite moving back to where I grew up. I changed for the worse…  Couldn’t just be me.  My friends wern’t interested in that person and I really don’t blame them.  I couldn’t be me because I was too busy feeding what would eventually be my eating disorder.  A girl I was getting close to changed when I admitted this to her.  She never talked to me the same […]

Hi all, I’m 17 yrs old, I”m a senior in high school, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve just about given up. I don’t know what to do anymore. This has been the worst 5 months of my life. My grandma, who was one of the only people who made me feel like I was worth something, is gone. I’ve been dealing with eating disorders since I was in the 7th grade and it’s been progressively getting worse since about july. My health is deteriorating, and I just can’t focus on anything that used to be important to me anymore because […]

my life. its great during the day but once i get home it just falls apart. i want to end everything right here and now.

This is my first post…

Lost my job the day after my birthday. It’s almost Christmas too.  I’m trying to be brave or calm or something, so I keep telling everyone I’m fine, even though I’m not fine at all. I might be losing my mind, actually– it’s a slow-motion nervous breakdown, so slow that no one but me realizes what’s happening.

At first I was pretty good at applying for new positions but now I can barely get out of bed. Sleeping 12 hours a day is probably not a good response to the situation.

My family is coming up to visit in a few days and […]

I could remember when my Mom first found out I had a cutting disorder. We were on vacation and my sister saw it so she told my mom. My mom pulled me to the side and all she said was “how could you do this to me” and that was the moment that I realized what I was doing. I still do it tho, just not on my arms. It made me sad that I was hurting the ones I love but at the same time I couldnt believe how selfish she was acting. She caught me twice and I have yet to receive medical […]

On the surface, everything seems great.

My family’s together, my grades look great, I have a circle of close friends, my boyfriend loves me.

But I always think about how nice it would be to shut everything out and cease to exist. Nothing that that world cares about would matter anymore. My death would be of no major consequence. It doesn’t matter that the projects I have in hand are unfinished. I will leave a void and that void will quickly be filled by the competition that presents itself. People will remember me, but not for long, for they will all be gone. It would be all […]

How can it be possible to want to die and end everything one day, and then wake up feeling like a new person the next?  I think this is why I’m so fucked up. I can go weeks with feeling depressed and cutting and hating everything and everyone around me. But then out of no where, I wake up and everything is fine. I feel like my normal self again, and I actually feel kinda happy. But where does this come from? Why does this happen? Maybe someone here knows…?? I would really like to try and understand what exactly is wrong with me. I […]

Only good things happen to good people. My dad killed himself becuase he hated me and I guess I deserved it.

im lost.
never liked
everyone hates me
just a toy
never wanna wake up
wanna die
heart beating fast
and shorty to be dead

I can never seem to get it together.  One stupid mistake has made my week a living hell and activated my ocd and anxiety to extreme levels.  I broke a part in my oven and lied to my landlord about it because I knew the repair would be around $200 and my husband would flip.  Now when the repairman comes I know he is going to be able to tell it is not a part that broke on its own.  I feel awful for lying and know it is so very wrong.  We have very little money and I don’t know what else to do. […]

I started my day withdrawing the last of my money from my account only to have it vanish once I went to get groceries.
So here I sit. No money. No groceries. No alcohol.

That pretty much sums up what my entire life has been like.

ONE. BIG. FUCKING. JOKE.

Oh, and I can’t even take a Tylenol for this pounding headache I have, because I have none.

hahahaha. ha.

Been wanting to talk to somebody lately. Somehow I still have this idea that someone will listen and give me some new advice, something different. Something that will flip a switch in my head. But it won’t happen.

I’ve talked to priests, I talked to therapists, parents, friends………. They always give basically the same advice.

P.S. I think I’m starting to hate listening to good music since it depresses me that my songs suck lol Maybe one day I’ll write a half decent song.

 
The more I grow up the more I get older
Physically yes, but psychologically more
It’s like we have to be much more colder, to live life without being hurt
We build up walls so that we don’t get burned, that we fight
the urge of genuinely caring for each other.

Sweetheart, I’m only twenty years old and I started building this house of stone guarded by
Thorns to tear apart those
Who try to destroy the only heart
That I have
A lot of people don’t understand that
The joy that I have is not me trying
To be happy
If I were to […]

I’m sick and tired of my life and the people in it, all others do is take take take and don’T give anything back. You wake up people annoy you, get you down, what’s the point, what is the point to life, in fact is there a Point?

I self harm, it used to help, it helped a lot, the physical pain takes away the emotional pain. the people who supposedly are close to me was upset when they first found out but that soon changed into “oh your just doing it for attention” wow are you being serious? That annoys me so much. people like […]