I pray to die every day. However I try to still trust that there is some reason for this insanity called my life. Maybe it will work out.  Maybe not. And maybe (crossing my fingers) when I go to sleep tonight I won’t have to wake up ever again… that sounds so wonderful to me. I think I am done…

I’m sorry I fell so hard. I know I’m not good enough, that I’ll never be. I get that now. And it fucking sucks. Because you know what? I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough.

My hopes got so fucking high. Hope sucks, because it just makes your fall that much further. And I hate falling. I try to hate you, I try not to mind you, I try! I promise! I’m trying so fucking hard to get over you, but I can’t because I’m not strong enough. Fuck.

How can one person intensify my suicidal thoughts by that much? It hurts […]

The air around me is heavy these days. A faint mist of despair and dread obscure my vision wherever I walk. I hardly look at people as they pass me by. My footsteps echo in an empty world. I have constant pains in my stomach and I have to force myself to eat. No more sexual drive. No control of my emotions. The slightest thought, if tilted in the wrong direction, sends my ego tumbling to the ground to be shattered and I begin to weep at things no self-respecting person should.

This feeling, this darkness, I can feel it sitting inside me like a lead […]

When I first came here I did a post about this topic….but recently while in a Chat Room the debate was started up on if money could solve everything….My stance was that it couldn’t because some problems can’t be solved by money alone….others proclaimed that money would allow you to buy happiness in the form of material goods and great experiences….They brought up some good points so…

So I’ll ask this…

If you were given a 100 million dollars tomorrow….would your problems be solved? would you be able to obtain some form of happiness? would you prefer to live? would your depression vanish?

I would consider myself a scientist in all occasion but this. I am logged in to a suicide blog. If I thought nothing but substance was involved this ideal would long be abolished. I do not believe in the idea of a soul, whether that be of a newborn or a registered adult.

What are we supposed to do when the only chemical consultants we have to refer to are psychiatrists? I do not care for the idea of trading symptom for symptom. I want to be cured; I want to be relieved of this duty.

Social life is about talking and doing stuff together, and… aren’t this just so fucking boring? even if it’s fun! it’s boring.

If youre on here and youre an asshole, I have no sympathy for you. Sorry not sorry.

What’s left of me…I don’t feel the same. I am trying to satisfy everyone around me, i am trying to please others while i feel nothing at all, it’s different than emptyness and i have been here before. Like i don’t exist at all. I would love to see everyone smiling, not to be worried about me or not to be annoyed or bothered with what i do. But it seems impossible to do the right thing if there is the right thing at all. As you engage in so many relations with others you slowly disappear and this doesn’t feel right. I began to […]

When I look in the mirror, I am disgusted with the person I see staring back.

Whenever I stand near a ledge, I am seized with the urge to throw myself over to certain death.

Sitting here with the faint sound of my music in the background watching the lightning light up the sky like a Christmas tree is quite calming, especially considering the fact that I hate Christmas.
This is what death must feel like, right? calm, quiet, the noise in our heads disappearing as we lose ourselves in this most of extreme calmness. This has to be what death feels like, because when you die its you and you alone that dies and in this moment there’s me and no one else.
This life mirrors what death surely has to be, the dead can’t feel neither can I…is […]

I’d be ordering the tools I need to execute my plan… if the balance in my bank account weren’t negative. For now, though, my financial difficulties are an obstacle rather than a motivator… which I kind of like. It feels more appropriate, honestly. Money would be such a stupid thing to die over, and while struggling to make ends meet is certainly an added stressor, I feel there’s some kind of extra legitimacy that comes with needing to wait — even to save up, maybe — to meet the financial requirements of the end.

I’m not sure why. Maybe because it suggests that the course is […]

Good morning everyone 🙂 I hope you have a wonderful day. No negative attitudes today please. You prob wont listen to me but whatever. Atleast try :/ xx

One of the worst parts of being me (and trust me there are many) is knowing that i will have a best friend for approximately 2-3 years and then they will abruptly leave me. At first i just thought, ‘you know, its the end of the friendship i can accept that’ but 3-4 friendships ahead of this mindset, i now know that it’s all. my. fault.

Let’s explain these friends in terms of their ‘era’:

Kara. (Jan 2009- Jan 2010)
– Kara was a wannabe popular kid who i befriended, under the impression that i too, could be popular. Her, well our antics brought me from an […]

I am ready to die
I didn’t want to die a virgin
I’m not anymore
I’m soiled
Tainted
Disgusting
I won’t make it to heaven.
Is there a heaven?
If there’s heaven, there must be hell
Maybe hell is where I belong
Maybe I’m in hell
Maybe I died and was condemned to live a life of perpetual suffering at my own hands
Maybe the Buddhists are right
I must have been a terrorist in my past life to feel this much pain for the world
I wish I didn’t feel
I want to not feel
Take me from this earth and make me matter

There is no one part of the universe less important than another, or more important than the whole. Even the most insignificantly tiny thing can change the world, because if it were not there, this reality would be perpetually changed- a different place. Likewise, those that see themselves as too important, more important than the whole, will find themselves despairingly depressed at the honest truth. We are all equal, we all matter. You are equal parts insignificant and completely relevant and perfect; your simple existence changes the world, all you must do is be.

I’m gonna try and put this as simple as I can. A while ago I started self harming,I told my best friend after a few weeks,but then she started doing it. I felt so bad like it was all my fault,I had given her the idea of it and her scars and to be blamed by me. We’ll I stopped for a few months and I really thought I could over do this,but last week I started again. Cutting till I bleed but in a place no one could see. I can’t wear vests anymore. But that’s good because I hate my body. I’m trying […]

Whenever someone asks me if i’m ok i lie. I fake smile and ask why. They said i was acting different yesterday. I was tired i say. And as i walk away i feel guilt washing over me but i repeat in my head they shall never know, ever.

1. Talk to the girl I’ve had a crush on for like 2 years now

2. tell people how much they mean to me

3. Tell Zoe goodbye

There is something about her. The way she moves, it’s like she is walking on water. Nothing stands in her way, everything parts for her like the red sea but what others do not know, her wrist parts at night and the sink of her bathroom becomes the red sea. She is not broken but she is beaten, she will overcome this path in life and she will conquer the stars themselves and will shine brighter than the sun. She is the light I awake to every morning, I cannot wait for that day when she is mine.