what if i had told you how much i hated my life?
would you of stayed?
would you of comforted me when i needed?
would you wipe away my tears?
would you make me feel safe when i wanted?
would you wrap your arms around me & tell me you love me?
because i would do the same for you.
im sick of all this pain. the kind of pain where you just dont care anymore, the kind of pain where anything anyone says offends you. the kind of pain where you know, deep in your heart, that the reason you dont have anything to live for is your own fault. where you know you could do better but dont care enough to try; like doing the things you love? you dont do them anymore. why? because you arent the same person you were before this. before this, you were happy. nothing could break you; and nothing anyone said ever phased you. but it happened. […]
why do you treat my life so shit when i havent done anything wrong why is it that you gave me a shitty friend that just fucking makes like even more harder why? this isn’t what i planned when i was younger i was supposed to grow up and be that little good girl but FUCK NO i didn’t fucking get that i fucking got beaten to near death and what did you do nothing you let me go to hospital fighting for my life because i got beaten as a child by my own fucking parents that thought i was a mistake but ya […]
i finally got what i want, the blood.
i love the feeling of being alive.
the blood is beautiful it bubbles into tiny blotches.
soon dripping, then running down my arm.
not once, not twice but six times they appear.
they stay there, sometimes they stare back at me.
the blood still leaking into my sleeve.
the beautiful cuts.
perfectly straight, perfectly inline.
they aren’t deep enough to kill but not shallow so i can’t see blood.
they are perfect.
i love perfect, the blood was perfect, and i know that the scars will be perfect and i hope the next ones will be perfect…
This has been one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I feel alone, sad and depressed. Just when I get my hopes up for something good to happen, it’s dashed from me as quickly as the idea was thought of. I thought my luck was changing…I thought God was finally showing me mercy…I thought…I thought a lotta things. The prayer I prayed was so simple. Something that would make me the happiest woman in the world…but I realized just how far away that prayer was. It keeps getting so close I can touch it and then I blink and its farther […]
It’s been how long now? I don’t really remember. But I do know there is some major shit going down at my house.
Specifically, Mom and Dad split up, Mom has a boyfriend, Dad has a fiance, sister’s pregnant and due in about 3 weeks.
Lots of shit.
And then there’s me.
Domino.
Y’know, I’ve been to hell and back with depression and suicide. And I was doing good too. So what the hell happened?
I might as well be clear with you all, at least the people who are going to read this. I’m a gay transboy. Which means a lot of stuff. First, I’m a boy in a girl […]
I smile when i fantasize about you
I can always depend on you to be there
You are the first thing i think about when i wake up
and the last thing i think about before i fall asleep
Now replace you with suicide
are a *****
I feel that even if I could be offered an easy death like ******** (and that’s never going to happen to the likes of me), something inside of me cannot accept an easy death. Of course I want to die easy. Lay down and die in peace what a happy thought. But I cannot for two reasons. One, I am a huge mistake. A genetic mishap and although I cannot help it I feel enormous guilt about the whole thing. I am sorry I exist. I am sorry I was never good enough. The other is that I know animals are tortured in the most […]
I Miss You
As I lay down at night
I think how things have changed
Ever since you entered it
My whole life’s re-arranged
But I wish that I could see you sooner than I can
It’s like you’re a movie star
And I’m your biggest fan
But I miss you
Like I miss the sun on a rainy day
Like I miss the moon when it goes away
But the sun and the moon
don’t mean nearly as much to me
As you do
I could live without them But I need you
And I miss you
Now that we’re so far apart
I love you even […]
Today, I received a high score on a test that my friends didn’t do as well on. I’m a freshman in college but most of my friends are much older. They joked around saying they wished they had my brain and I had to laugh. Yes, I am smart and I do really well at school with very little effort, but if only they knew how my brain functions in other situations. Of course they don’t know about my battle with an eating disorder, anxiety, or depression. They have no idea how many scars are on my body and how many moments I have spent […]
I cried when I read this. This poem means so much to me, because even though we are under the same sky, you are so far from me. I know the time will come when you are next to me, but until then…My Angel, My Sweet…I will miss you with every ounce of my being.
My Angel, My Sweet
My Angel, My Sweet,
How I long for us once again to meet.
How I long to run my fingers though your hair
and to smell your suculent perfume in the air.
Oh how I long to feel your face,
and to sense your gentle presence all over […]
I found this online and it captures how lonely I feel.
I Miss You Dreamer
You don’t know how bad I need you here with me,
I need you more than anything more than I need to breathe
How do I last now that my heart has grown so cold,
Being without you its like my heart was put on hold
How do I stay warm without you to hold me tight,
I wish I was in your arms and everything was right
When I’m with you my body becomes weak,
I want to say I love you but its really hard to speak
I get this amazing feeling from […]
i feel sick. not real. like a figment of some fucked up persons imagination… im not real i fear.
Now, you may think I’m just that teenager, who goes bitching about their Mother and has tantrums about who gets the remote.
This isn’t the case.
Throughout my life, I have had a fairly descent childhood, I’m not raped, I’m not assaulted. It’s more of a psychological thing. From the age 0-7 every thing was fine and dandy. Both my Mother and my Father had a healthy relationship, two sweet little girls and a bouncy boy (me). Then it all went wrong. My Mum decided my oldest sister was responsible enough to look after us, cook for us and care for us; being 13 at the time. […]
I was quite a happy kid till I turned 7. When I was 7 I met this awesome guy at the army camp which me and my class visited so the soldiers could have a “play day” with us. I instantly got attached to Rodney, gave me piggy back rides! Really fun. Then I left and never met him again. I was sad for days and days. Then when I had turned just about 10 I went with my grandparents to Norway, SkjÃ¥k. I love it there! They brought along their dog Sissi and my dog Stefie. Sissi has been around all my life, ever since […]
these demons haunt my brain and my skin. they make me pull my razor out and cut deeper and deeper each time. my cutting is so pathetic I have to bring my razor to school and cut in between classes just to feel great amounts of pain through out the day. my mind is dark with few patches of white for my family. my mom doesn’t understand why I’m always bleeding and asking forgiveness. Im sorry I must feel the pain. Starving myself is my favorite way to feel pain. All it takes is 3 days for my body to feel completely numb and happy […]
Have thought about ending my life two times before … hospitalized for it twice … I have been ok for the last three years … i have gone through a lot in life… divorced two years ago and raising my eight year old on my own (single dad) … my son has been and still is my only anchor to life… me and my son survived a terrible plan accident a week ago… I am confused now … I am walking the fine line between living and dying since the resent plain accident … i am feeling that i died already and its a matter […]
The world is so strange.
But is this the way it’s suposed to be?
Living hell everyday, I’m not made for the life, I just fail at living in society… ‘Me’ is just giantic failure.
Is this how it’s supposed to be? I don’t even know who I am.
We’re all so tired, exhausted from life, this can’t be the truth, I know I’m not the only one feeling this way… 🙂
And doing something about it is very difficult so maybe it’s not needed…
Maybe we don’t need a cure, maybe there’s nothing wrong with us.
Tick.
Is for pain and suffering.
Tock.
For despair.
Tick.
For boredom.
Tock.
For social isolation.
Tick.
There goes prejudice and hate.
Tock.
Theres some love gone to waste.
Tick.
I’m being misunderstood.
Tock.
It’s too late to do anything but drink.
There comes a point when you realise that human worth IS quantifyable, but only with respect to how OTHERS judge that worth. There is no objective measure of worth (because the omnipotent god is unlikely to exist) and so, it’s true, the only thing that matters is how others percieve your worth.
What if my percieved worth only amounts to the $30 worth of whisky I’m filled with?