it seeps into your heart, your mind, your soul wrecking your body everywhere it goes.
i cant take the time to stop and think where am i going? Who is gonna help me?
you wake up in the middle of the night and your dreams scare you right out of your bed.
How do i get out of this?
You take a knife and you just cut because after you do it sends shivers of warm fuzzy tingles throughout your senses.
it leaves you shivering with ecstasy
You wish someone would help you but all they can say is are you okay?
How do they […]

want to die, have to live

Is it a society full of fuck ups,

Or a society full of hate,

A society full of villains,

Or a society with no faith,

I don’t know what they want me to do,

They see me as a delinquent,

But that’s what my record tells you,

I’ve grown since then,

You can just look at my health,

And easily see,

that I’m not my old self,

I may be still broken,

But I’ve gotten some will,

To stand up and say,

That what I’ve done takes skill,

Damn right I’m strange,

But who isn’t in this place,

They say I can change,

But it’s too late to save face,

I don’t care much either what you think of me,

If you really think my […]

Today I attended the funeral of a family friend, she was 22 years young and she had taken her own life on the 8th of august. I didn’t know her very well, but anyone could see she was very naturally beautiful with a contagious smile and an infectious laugh.
She was well known and well loved by so many people, all I’ve heard is how amazing she is, how she was free-spirited, selfless, caring and kind. I heard how much she loved people, music and how devoted she was to her family and friends.
I heard she was a beautiful, bubbly, spiritual and loving young […]

Just a couple of days ago my friend and I planned an amazing road trip! On Oct 22 we are heading to Los Angeles! I am going to meet an amazing girl I have met on the internet and then on Oct 25 we are going to commit suicide. A little messed up, but ever since the plans have been made…I’ve been happy. Well, about as happy as a suicidal schizophrenic can get. I smile more and I crack jokes more often… But the girl I’m meeting isn’t as happy as I am. Sure that’s put a damper on my mood, but I’m uber excited and I can’t wait […]

so im 25 lost my wife that ive grown to be glad for my first born son my job in the army and i feel my mind helped the wrong people and now waiting to go to jail so what am i living for if it wasnt for natural selfpresurvation wich i cant even spell i would be dead i dont feel bad or sorry for anyone if i was dead my “friends” were all low lifes that i chose at a verry young age and when i cut them out of my life for the army life got better but when the army gave […]

recently I just broke up w my chick.. cuz i showed her my depressive side.. and she couldn’t accept it and felt very uncomfortable.. well breaking up w her was one of the worst and traumatic experiences i have gone through in a very long time.. but now i feel better!

I learnt a lot from it.. and I wish that I was feeling this calm and relaxed about my life when I was still dating her 🙁

I felt that after breaking up.. that I really needed to change myself and the way I think and behave on a day to day basis.. I have […]

I cant stop crying. Why has everything changed!

I’m back to this rotting heap that is my mind and body.

I wish my body were rotting, maybe then it wouldnt be so fat and gross.

New relationship?  How can I have a good relationship with someone if I cant have one with myself.

I hate everything about this me.

I cant take a deep breath without tearing up,

I cant shower without a razor to my skin,

I cant sleep without dreaming of darkness and I cant smile without a stabbing pain within.

When did my life end and this nightmare begin?!

1

So my depression started when i was bullied severely in middle school and summer camp, people really don’t know how much this messes up a person. I became introverted and started thinking of my own death constantly at a young age , to the people that say it gets better i just have to laugh. Because now that I am older I found out that I am diagnosed with schizophrenia, and not to mention I am a 30 year old unsuccessful virgin that also has erectile dysfunction. It seems that God is just laughing at me just like the builles did when I was a […]

I feel like everyone is walking out of my life.  The one person who really truly cared about me throughout my good and bad times, is being forced to move away.  He’s not going to my school.  He’s not allowed to have a phone.  Or get on facebook.  And his stupid counselor people think I’m a bad influence because we never got to see each other and I snuck him out of school and walked back to my house for an hour and then CAME BACK to the school afterwards.  I hate people.

I’m coming closer and closer to the day when finally the pain and misery of my life is greater than my ability to be able to cope with it.

I graduated college in 2007 with a Bachelor’s degree in Economics. Since then, I have applied to 1000s of positions. I can count the amount of just interviews I’ve had on two hands. I can’t even get hired on to bag groceries or work fast food.

I sleep on my parents’ couch. The only way I will ever get out of here is by dying. I have no money and as stated before absolutely no chance of finding […]

It never ceases to blow my fucking mind every time a thought of you goes through my head. Everything you ever said haunts me and really, really hurts. I think I actually know what hate feels like now. How could I ever forgive you for this?

Hello. I have been suicidal since my teens and I am now 23.

2 months ago I became homeless (I have been staying at a shelter for  young adults and it is also where I met my 18 year old boyfriend).  1 month ago I got pink eye and started treating it about 2 weeks ago trying 2 different medications, I am going to get it checked again today;…it is *really* bothering me and I cannot get rid of it. I also have eczema and Body Dysmorphic Disorder (which is why I really want to end it).  I also want to be genderless and not have […]

I’m in a bit of a situation and I need help making a final decision, please tell me what you would do.

I graduated from high school in June in the top 10% of my class. All of my friends are going to good universities and started leaving last week. I moved in today. The university I’m going to is only an hour away from my home and I can come home every weekend. At this specific university I was chosen to receive early admittance into nursing school which is hard to get into. I’m rooming with a good friend of mine from high school, […]

I would just like to say thank you to the both of you. I don’t know who you are or why you decided to help me but, I’m so glad you did. I obviously never went through with my suicide attempt and now I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world. She is smart, goofy, adorable, and I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!! :). She makes me so happy, instead of dreading every morning and sleeping all the time, I wake up excited to spend time with her and experience new things with her that I would never do on my own. I cant imagine […]

Today I’m going to kill myself.  I’m going to finish my day at work and when I’m done, I’m going to kill myself.  I’m going to take the bottle of muscle relaxers and drink the bottle of wine and die in the spot that the homeless man sleeps when he’s drunk.  When they take my body, they will have to clean the area and that will be good for him.

Alex will be so sad but she will write great songs about her feelings and go on to enjoy lots more success.  She will meet someone new that will love her better than me.  Her life […]

Whishing you were here
by my side
Huging me
making me feel safe in your arms
kissing me
feeling the love you feel for me
Smiling together
dreaming about the future; us together
But im here in my bedroom
wishing all does things
hopping you come to save me
to take me away from this pain
but im still here
Wishing the day you come back to be mine

Have you ever watched someone you love self-destruct right next to you and not be able to do anything about it?

I have.  Many times.

I’ve been there for her so long, and she doesn’t even care.  She doesn’t even know how hard it would affect me if she actually finished what she started two years ago.

I can barely function anymore because I am so afraid that every moment she isn’t with me, she’s trying again.

Losing her would probably finish me off.  For good.

I’d check out permanently.  Suicide would be a plausible option then.

Please don’t let that happen.  Please–if anyone cares.

But no one cares.  About her.  About […]

My best friend tried to commit suicide in January 2012.

Again in May 2012.

Again in September 2012 because of a fight we had.

Her family threatened to sue me if I ever talked to her again.

Me and her made up at the beginning of this summer.

Even when we were still on the outs, I was there to help if she needed it.  I don’t know if she knew that.

I’m just so tired of suicide.

She has me.  I’m completely devoted to her and keeping her safe and alive.  She’s like my sister, and she has me on her side.  She just doesn’t care.

My heart is broken from watching […]

I have posted here before, a while ago already.

Anyways, now I’m still in this mess, alone every single day, doing nothing. No one who cares about this, because “autism is the problem”. I will be starting therapy to deal with my autism in 2 weeks, so I guess that is a good thing.

Although i dont believe this is the “problem” I just let it run it’s course, I mean, all those psychiatrists are trained for it right? They sure must know it better than me?

Now I have been sitting home every single day, alone, for the past year, doing nothing at all. I rarely talk […]