Just looking for someone to chat to. Email: Teresias1@hotmail.com or put your e mail as comment.

Ok ok, yes, I’m aware that there are people out there with bigger problems than myself. But I thought I’d post this, nonetheless.

I’ve got a lot of love in my heart. That’s fine, right? Yeah.

I’m sad to say, I have chased anything with boobs for awhile now, and I think it is partly because of me being adopted, the abuse I went through as a kid, and a relationship that has never been very good with my parents.

But anyways, I’m done chasing, and quite honestly, am ok with that.

I wake up in the morning or night, depending on when I sleep, […]

I spend a lot of my day thinking about my life , thinking about where it went wrong, how did this happen too me?. I was once happy and joyful now that me is gone i spend most of my day  wanting too end my own life because I am tired of it i am tired of waking up everyday doing the same shit over and over again and each and everyday it gets worse and harder. I go to sleep literally praying for death then  i wake up still alive and it starts all over again. I think about suicide A LOT more then […]

The pain inside was so bad it would hurt to breath or talk. Their were days that I hated opening my eyes in the morning because it meant dealing with this bullshit one more day. It hurt so bad. Everyday for a while now I’ve asked myself, with no answer, why did they break my heart? It had to be an accident right? No one every intentionally hurts you like this, do they? I was asking questions I already knew the answer too. I think I deserved it. I had too. The pain inside is so bad, your body is just not able to handle […]

every fucking day of my life. same shit different day. every fucking day. if it’s not all day, it’s on and off throughout the day. a fucking roller coster. there is no one. no one who fucking gets it. you would think id get some sort of sense of compassion and be treated somewhat equally. no. my sense of reality is skewed?! maybe sometimes it is. but theirs? so fucking skewed. so wrong. it hurts so fucking badly. just fucking excuses. every fucking day. there is no one. when i thought there was someone. there is fucking no one. but im the MORON who keeps […]

Ok well I told my family how I felt and how I want to end my probelms. They under stood and did not get angry they just didn’t understand how I could be sad with everything that I have. I told them about how my past constantly follows me and eats at me. My father suggested a therapist and I agreed only to see how it goes. We also decided as a family to wait until October and look for one. I’m not sure how long I can wait but I will try for my family. I didn’t tell them however that I cut and […]

*sorry for all the posts i’ve just been really sad*

Red.

all I see is red.

when the knife falls

to the floor. I dont feel

anything though I just see

I see the red. And I think. I

think of all the people i’m leaving.

And i get a towel and a band aid.

And I clean up my cut. And I

take a deep breath and

I move on because

tomorrow is a

brand new

day

I am so sick and tired of complaining and still being here trying to cope with all the emotional pain and suffering every day. I can’t even do my academic work because I’m so depressed and I just don’t feel like achieving shit anymore. I’m so fucking tired of the fact that I can’t make any friends because of my attitude that comes from depression and suicidal thoughts as well as anxiety.  I am SO fucking not okay with my distant girlfriend who constantly goes on about how she’s out with her friends and I have to lie to her telling her that I’m meeting […]

I’ve tried to kill myself 4 times. But nobody knows about it. And i’m too scared to tell ANYONE. I’ve gotten so close to death that i’ve even written suicide letters. I’m just so…depressed and i’ve been told i am a disappointment to my mother. i feel worthless and i need someone. Anyone out there?

I am not the best child. I get bad grades sometimes, i’m not very active, sometimes I can be selfish and i fight with my siblings. I do dumb things like kids do. But my mother, she makes me want to die. She calls me a b*tch, or selfish, or ungrateful and it tares my self-esteem apart. She makes me feel like I am no one and that I shouldn’t exist. She makes me think that she doesn’t love me and she makes me feel worthless. I hate that feeling. That feeling makes me want to die.

I got clean and sober 3+ years ago, with that came some blessings but it also revealed my nightmares.  Now that I am not numbing myself out anymore I get to deal with all these feelings and embarassing moments like freaking out when I hear a child scream (even if they are playing) or not able to go celebrate the 4th of July with friends because I cannot handle the fireworks.  I found a “family” in the 12 step program that I am in, my real family disowned because I came out as a lesbian.  Now my 12 step family feels distant too.  I feel […]

My birth mom has never wanted me. She has made that clear. My stepmom stepped in and has been a mom figure. She said she loved me. She said i was one of her kids. Then she stopped talking to me. Im on a trip with them this weekend as a last goodbye. Please pray i jave the courage to finally kill myself sunday. I have chickened out every time amd its time.i thought i finally had a mom. How stupid was i for thinking for a moment i was lovable.ha

i dont like people staring at me it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Where did it start?
That is the questions that run through many minds. And really I have no answer, so many events lead up to the eventual tipping point all is lost in translation.
For many the beginning comes shortly before the end, where as mine goes all the way back to the start of my existence.
Oh how the mother and father were so happy to procreate and bring life into this filth ridden world we all call home, with the diseases and plagues walking the street. Vile dissension so thick it suffocates all those involved. How society loves to paint this as normal.

Sometimes I wonder why I woke up a year ago. I have just been having a really hard time lately. And I don’t know if I’m just overly obsessing over dying or what. It’s not like I want to try to kill myself. Well I do sometimes. I just wish I hadn’t woke up alive a year ago. I know that good things have happened this past year and I recognize everything I have in my life so why do I still think that? I just feel lost. And I’m taking my medicine like I should be. Why isn’t it working any more? It’s frustrating. […]

The storm that had once raged inside me has finally come to an end. And I’m finally happy with my life again. But I lost something. It’s not completely gone but it’s not as strong as it was before neither. I’m a little unsatisfied to say that I lost quite some faith in God. I’m a happy young adult again but I want to believe in him, I need to. I don’t know exactly why my faith in him has weakened. Perhaps it’s because I think a lot about him sometimes. A little too much in the perspective of science. I don’t know if he […]

I just read ‘Crash Into Me’ by Albert Borris. It’s a teen novel about 4 teens who make a suicide pact and go on a roadtrip around the US. Whilst the ending was pretty predictable, I thought the author got so much of it so completely right, about how a lot of the time all you want is for the pain to stop and for people to actively want to keep you around, about how suicidal people can speak and sometimes even joke about destroying themselves pretty casually a lot of the time, about how it can be so hard to even care enough to […]

Lost all hope,happiness never lasts.

No more strawberries,bikes,sun,cakes…

No more smiles,jokes,trains,wet grass…

No more lighs,books,no more mistakes…

I wonder if I were rich would I feel like this. Then I realize money really means nothing. Look at kurt cobain, brad delp, jovan belcher, chris benoit, bob birch, don cornelious, chris lighty, mindy mcCready, roy raymond, and countless others. Money dont mean shit and neither does fame. These people had it all and had accomplished things most of us will never come close to doing and still fell victim to this pain……money cant buy happiness and if it cant then what can?

I’ve failed again,Please someone get me out of here.In that moment I have not had enough courage.I’m still questioning myself : How could I be such a fool?

I believed in everything, promises, love, and also that my life would get better, I really did.

God just seem to cross his arms and turn his back,and I won’t struggle,I refuse to make any effort,I refuse to give the first step.

I wish I were brave to proceed.because I finally found love,a lovely guy,he loves me,and we make cute gay couple,unfortunately his love isn’t enough to make me wanna live.Damn, being alive is like punishment for me,and yes,I do […]