While loneliness is a major issue for me, it appears there are many others whose mindset is similar to mine, a desire to end it. While many of you are younger, and I am not, I seek someone to share one last road trip with. To the Lost Coast and Redwood forests of northern California. Starvation/dehydration will be my method. A few final days of music, nature, and a final enjoyable meal. I am not abusive or aggressive in any way, which is part of my problem, we meek and humble sorts just don’t function well in a dog-eat-dog world. […]

What just happened?

Everything was going so well. It’s already seven p.m. and I haven’t felt suicidal all day. For me, that is a huge accomplishment. I spent the day with real smiles on my face. I felt like I was alive again. I thought “maybe everything will be all right now.”

I was wrong of course, I’m not all right.

Seven months. Seven fucking months I was cut free.

Not anymore. One cut, just one little slice and a few drops of crimson from that little shard of glass I keep in my room. Suddenly those seven months are gone. Just like that, one moment of weakness.

My promises are broken, the […]

I’ve been hurt a lot from someone I trusted I actually think I loved him I let him get a little close still arms distance. He knew things about me he knew I cut and I am suicidal. I did not tell him but he surprised me and just showed up I forgot to put a jacket on and he saw the new cuts. He got angry really angry. He told me I was selfish and then he just left. I always thought that I liked being alone but no I’m just afraid that people will leave. I thought that a normal person would hold me and […]

I can’t believe it.

She’s gonna die. She hasn’t died yet, but she’s on the brink.

My BEST FRIEND who has cancer is going to be gone forever. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t help her because I’m not magical, but I can’t help feeling that I’m supposed to do something. Seriously, I’m just lost.

She has an overall positive attitude about it, on the outside. But if you have a best friend, you can tell when they are actually fine and when they are scared shitless. She is scared shitless, and who can blame her?

She has less than a year to live. What am […]

I can really feel myself shrink when I’m at school, the amount of negative feelings toward myself kind of made me uneasy and it’s not even that even that it’s the amount of time I’ve spent feeling THIS bad about myself from from 6th-10th grade(now) and the amount of anger and emotion that I have I do feel bad about carrying so much of it but it’s like I can’t pinpoint my exact problems with my depression sometimes it feels like it’s the same problems repeating themselves and it’s hard to feel good about myself and say that it’ll be alright because after so much […]

Anew on the morning sunrays I began another day
with an entire white oblong pill (vice 1/2 a tablet) on my way to the bottom of the well/or to evade the bottom of the well…
Why can I not climb or simply descend to find the floor of the well?
At the very least the waterfalls have lessend and speaking any hellos with strangers no longer turns on the torrents of tears
For this I am grateful

What I knew to be a possibility has not surfaced
in fact this new reality is far from how I thought it would be

I grew up in the church. Hell, I should say I was the church. At many of the churches I attended, my five older siblings, my parents, the pastor, and I made up the whole congregation. But that didn’t matter. Because the God I knew and loved was there. He was in my church, he was in my thoughts, he was in my life… but somewhere along the lines, one of us left. Now, it’d be easy to point fingers and say that I left. After all, I’m the human being shaped in iniquity, and He’s the all-knowing God. But me? Why would I leave? […]

How do I begin…

Is this the end? The beginning to my goodbye note?  I remind myself that I’m not doing it for anybody else, only for myself.  Once I’m done, that’s it, you know.  There’s no going back, no second chance or “wait I change my mind”.  I just really don’t want to feel anything anymore.  I have no purpose and no drive to even try to find one.  I don’t want to find one.  I’ve had this battle for so long that it’s nice to throw in the towel, raise up the white flag and declare, I give up.  No more.

And that should be […]

Waking up–that’s the hardest thing for me to do. I find myself tired all of the time. It’s not so much that I am physically tired as it is that I am mentally tired, and my brain transmits the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and restlessness to the rest of my body. My dreams are a blur… images of things that I can’t get to make sense, my meaningless days played back and forth for my mind to review. Scenes for my brain to recount so it can ask itself, “What went wrong?” and “How the hell did we end up here?” Sleep is supposed to […]

We carry the scars on our bodies everywhere we go. We carry the scars on our hearts. We carry the fear someone will see them, we carry the shame when people do. We carry pins, knives, razors. We carry bandaids & disinfectant. We carry a little kernel of hope that we will get out of this. We carry hearts so heavy they drag on the ground. We carry our bloodstained clothes. Sometimes we carry hospital bills for stiches. Othertimes we carry them for therapists. We are the burdens on our families, we are the misunderstood. We are the ones who people stay away from when […]

i think i went over a month without cutting. now i’ve done it nearly every day for 5 days. My head hurts, my mouth hurts, my throat hurts… i think i’m just forcing myself to live until my next shrink appointment. is that the way my life is going to go? making myself resist suicide until the next month’s appointment? i’m such a loser. i have so much cleaning to do, so much happiness to fake. stuck between wanting to eat and wanting to starve, but wanting and doing are two different things. i will always eat, because food is all i’ve really got.

I get the feeling that you need something for security, as in cutting/self harm, something that indicates that your still alive. I am not going to sugarcoat this, because for people throw a pity party for themselves. Even if your going through something, because we all do, you are the author of your own fate. “But my mom/dad/both don’t care about me. I did that because of what they did to me.” Like I said, it’s up to you with what you do with your life, don’t let other people influence how you walk down your own path. If you do drugs, alcohol, smoke, don’t […]

What will I type? What message am I oddly eager to send, although once I begin typing I have to force myself to continue. This terrible apathy that I have acquired, where I care not when I see my mother rotting away, a wasted life, why do I feel the need to add one more silly post in the thousands that languish here already. In this curious journey of reaching another state of mind, I find myself hating my apathy, oh the irony. All that we, the youth at least, need is a sense of purpose. And if not that, then we would oh so […]

my throat hurts.. I’m in journalism thinking things over.. Wondering if i should cut, I almost did last night and I wanted it deep… I wanted it so I couldn’t walk only limp…It’s hard to cry.. my best friend is in Hawaii for ten days leaving me stuck alone. I guess I’ve managed to rope myself in a weird sex slave agreement thing but I don’t know.. just doing things to take my  mind of the buzzing in my head and throbbing in my throat.. too sad to type or think rationally, I just want to break down in front of this screen but I’m […]

Today i feel so low, i can’t help but cry inside not letting the outside know just how bad i feel.
I just sleep, i want to sleep all the time and never wake up , How amazing would that be!!!!!
Felt like every one around me is moving, talking and carrying on with there life’s. just texted my mum and said i feel really low and its brushed over. my husband is home and i feel so alone. i really hate this fucking world and i hate it that i am still in it dealing with my shit day after day.

Doesn’t matter what my name is… all you need to know, what what i know now, is that I am irrelevant know. Because if you are reading this now, than i have gone. You can assume where i have gone but for some reason, this is where i wanted it to be. just so people can know. i don’t give a shit if you care, you may not; you may also be the same as me; for a am leaving. I am gone. After i finish this short, quite brief paragraph, i am gone. left this world, now, i am irrelevant; i don’t exist anymore. […]

more than ones

iv fell at the mile

twice agen i swam the see

and sunk in to the deep

more than ones iv climd the tall tree of life to see if i can breeth and evrey time i was holled back by hands that wish to keep me

i tern heads on the street not because of me but of what i have becom the slict up drugd up boy who criys for help and never heres a word of it all we have is hope that the key is nere biy

im in my cell thinking i can see the gint of the key

all shiney in the dark […]

Donna calls politely
Over the loudspeaker
Lunch is ready
Line up in front
If you have a chore

Oddly the sports section
Is here on the table
Crown Vic’s went new
Its full page ad reads
Just $18,6 in March of ’94

Two vets planning to buy
A couple of scratch-offs
Walking laps 13 to a mile
They’ll go together
On the way home

tgif. please help me someone! please! i dont want to go to hell…they hve been snickering n being cruel all morning, things in the pst that are transient in time. i hate them.

I am a cutter.   For about a year now.   It has grown a bit more and more each month, where I have to do a bit more.   I hate when my old cuts heal and fade.   I *love* to look at my blood drip down my arms or legs.   I love to wipe it up with tissue and lately I leave a bit of it on the walls or just “somewhere”….. not really sure why - I guess I just want to.

I just think my blood is beautiful in its own way.   I keep medical tape with me pretty much all the time so if I […]