I need a friend.

i know a few methods, i’ve researched on some, but i’m still not certain on which one i should consider doing..
please, if you have any suggestions or recommendations email me: storyofmyscars@hotmail.com ; i would really appreciate the help.

it isnt that i’m even 100% sure i’ll do it, it’s just i feel more comfortable about living when i have a semi-concrete plan to dying. recently three of my friends have tried methods, they all failed. i really really can not fail; i don’t want the pity everyone would give me. i know that if i did fail it would be super difficult for me to ever try […]

Don’t catch me. Don’t try.
Just let this butterfly fly.

Don’t save me. Don’t try.
Just ignore these tears I cry.

Don’t comfort me. don’t speak.
Just let me be free.

Don’t tell me I push you away.
Cause it’s your choice to stay.

Don’t tell me you will stay. that you will never leave.
that’s what I won’t believe.
People always decieve.

Don’t tell me that I’d be missed.
they’d only miss my tears.

Don’t tell me you want to help.
then where were you all those years?

Don’t say you won’t let me leave tonight.
If you won’t then I’m prepared to fight.

Just let me spread my wings and fly.

First time I went THAT deep…
I was scared it would hurt too much.
It’s not too bad. Just do it step by step, like everything else.
And before you know it, you’ll be on the other side.

And it’s not even that deep 😛

Lyrics to song I pretty much jus stayed up all night writing..

Oh and uh.. *All Rights Reserved*? haha.

* Rapped
When was the last time you breathed?
I mean honestly, fully, whole heartedly took a breath?
When was the last time you took a stand?
I mean verbally, viciously, fought for something you believed?
When was the last time you fell in love?
Fell so hard, you found yourself unwilling to even get up?
When was the last time you truly cared?
Thought about somebody else, not the person in the mirror

Self-centered, self-ish, but sophisicated
We pride ourselves in all the wars and the domination
But what’s the point in killing other beings created
Like ourselves? We’re just […]

My body tingles, my mind wanders and my spirits lift.
I think about it constantly.
I wonder how it will happen. when, it’ll happen…
It only makes me anxious… i want it so bad.
i cant get it out of my mind…
Then, a wave of sorrow washes over me.
completly distorting all good feeling.
im still here…
breathing, thinking, suffering…
i want to fucking die already!
i cant wait…no, i must!
we all have a time. it’s all destined.

i need someone in the meantime to make me happy. fuck me, love me, and hug me… thats all anyone can really do. cuz there […]

I hate myself. I hate everything. I just had a large argument with my dad and my brother and i just hate myself. The only good trait i have is also and almost always bad. I try to be compassionate, and i am with some people and im a dick with others. I just hate how useless i am and how i have no good traits, im such a changeable, weird bipolar disorder like guy. I just hate it. I want out of life. My dad was angry at me because i have a dream of moving to london (and i hate perth) yet they […]

The only advice I hear from my mother.  I guess its my fault that I feel like this all the time, since 12 years of drug therapy and talk therapy had no effect on me.  So my mom’s words have some logic to it.

I keep telling myself that I wasn’t meant to live this long, that I was destined for death a long time ago but got passed up somehow.  I never had plans for a future where I aimed to have my own family, a job, and a house with a “white picket fence”.  I was supposed to be dead, a distant memory for […]

I hate people, I have never stop hating them. Seriously, they make everything looks ugly, my life, my dreams and even myself. I sometimes wonder when I’m going to explode, either way, it’s gonna be awful.

They say you can’t choose your family, and that’s sad. I found out later that you can’t choose your friends, too. I always stick with the  wrong people and that’s proof  how much I’m lucky.

Death itself is not a choice, I have never felt that I’m ready to die. I still have this urge and curiosity for living. Maybe I need to be more sane so I can see […]

The first installment to the Notepad saga…. yep, that’s it.

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To Whom It May Concern,

You may think of me as stupid. Ugly. Dumb for meeting my 2 best friends over the internet. Meeting the love of my life over the internet.  Stupid for writing this, but you don’t know how I feel. Let me tell you.

Living every day is a fuckin’ chore. Going to school is a chore. Walking, carrying everything I need, and just being on the computer with my love is a chore. Trying to survive without him actually being here is a chore. Without the people who truly understand me. Is it such a […]

About three years ago is when I first felt unhappy. I was in high school, had a girlfriend, was president of the film club, but I wasn’t happy. I just felt like there had to be more to life and that going away to college the next year would really open my eyes to the wonder and power off the “real world.” So I moved as far away from home as I could, to Colorado. At college I got into the drug scene really quick, I managed to stay away from most of the hard stuff but a lot of my new found and still […]

I’m reminded everyday that I don’t matter anyway…

I was thinking to myself, what if I knew someone who had a gun?

What if I found it?

Would I be able to take it?

What if I took the gun and held it to my head?

Would I be able to pull the trigger?

I thought you were perfect. how could I have been so very wrong? I trusted you. you lost that trust when you touched me when you weren’t supposed to. I hold in this anger every day. you should  have never touched me. I didn’t give you permission. you wouldn’t stop.. I can’t stop remembering the sun on your back.. I was too far away to scream. no one would have heard me.. I tried to push you off. I told you no. I begged you to stop. just STOP. but you got what you wanted in the end. you always got what you wanted.. I was […]

I hate it here on this planet I want to die. I’m just scared to do it.

I swear, I have lead bones. they weigh me down. I promise you, I have water in my lungs. I drown all the time. I don’t know why I feel this way. I’ve never known why and that is the worst part. I live in a happy family and i’m the dark cloud. i’m the rain on their parade. I guess you could say I have a great life and looking at it from another point of view, I can see how that would be true. but I feel like I am dead on the inside. and I wish I was on the outside. I’m […]

They say happinnes is contagious.

Really? I keep being around people who are happy – and I feel freaking miserable.

This pic just kinda spoke out to me, don’t really know why..

Maybe some of you will be able to laugh a bit (and I guess that’s already a win).

But for me, I resign myself to being just like garfield.

when I go to ask for help I get too scared of being sent away and everyone’s judgement. what if they all think i’m crazy or insane or something,

My brother tries to talk to me when I’m crying and it just makes it worse and i just want to punch him in the face.

the man i looked up too, my grand father, passed. mt dad lost his job so now we have no money. my grades keep dropping, I’m cutting more and more.

I’m scared and helpless, I want help and a friend. I have tons of “friends” but none that are actually there for me. My […]

I like contributing to this site. I don’t think I help anyone. I feel like I only share. I relate. I feel normal here.

That being said, I am tired of being so sad. I don’t think I can be any other way. Not for the long haul. The thought of being like “this” another 30 some odd years makes me feel nauseous. The thought of doing that alone or around people I despise… I just shudder to think about being stuck in that way.

Over the years I have heard so many mantras, tips, and tricks that make my head spin. They don’t work for me. […]

So does anyone feel like me and want to commit suicide in a lame way – not quickly, but just by not taking care of myself and not worrying about consequences?

I’m afraid to actually kill myself quickly and noticeably because I don’t want people to think poorly of me. I know, it’s stupid, I’d be dead.  I just have been through a lot and I don’t see life worth living.  So why not just have fun, not care about what situations I put myself in, and then whatever happens happens?

Or is that too slow a process? There’s a lot of pain while waiting.  What else can I […]