I want to hate every part of you with me, yet I still love you.. You just totally fucked me over.. I want to give up on EVERYTHING, would it be bad if i was gone? Mhh.. It’s getting harder now.. I don;t know how long i’ll be able to do this anymore.. Gosh dang it! Please I’m begging you help me?

I get 2 anon voicemails today telling me I should kill myself. 3 texts too. My head has been going through every possivle scenario, thinking about how I could do it. I don’t see my therapist for a week, and I physically cannot go back to the hospital. I would not recover this time. The only option is death. I can’t keep living like this, with people hating me, myself included.  With my life being slowly ebbed away by reality and sorrow. I’m one more breakdown from total psychosis. I have no where else to turn.

As soon as I am old enough I am going to admit myself into a mental institution so I don’t do anything that will make me even more of a disappointment to others. I have accepted that everyone hates me and my aunt is too kind to throw me out herself. I even accept that secretly my dad probably drank himself to death because he hated me and couldn’t stand me. I know everyone loves my sister and brothers more. I also know that if/when I kill myself noone will care or be sad. This is probably my last entry so for everyone that hates […]

Apparently I’m “Emotionally Detached” from my feelings and emotions and relationships.

I guess my therapist is right.

Because when I become “attached” I get depressed and want to cut/kill myself.

But when im “detached” I want to cut myself so I feel again. Than become depressed and want to kill myself.

So which is the better of the two evils?

I used to be a very happy person. In fact, I was that loud and annoying kid who was always laughing and didn’t care what others thought. I do well in school; I dont really try very hard and I get all A’s. I have friends; they all think I’m the happiest guy alive. At school, I still act happy even now; I don’t want them to know. I have a girlfriend; a beautiful, sexy, funny, silly girlfriend, and I loved and still love her very very much. But on October 1st, 2011, she sent nudies to one of her guy friends. When I found […]

We might be getting back together…I don’t know why I’m still crying…..

who said that we can’t give up and that it would be okay who said that we can’t fade away already…. i am at the end and i just can’t stand it any longer i just want too be happy but i have been stuck in a rut for the past 6 years when will it ever change. i am just wishing i could give up and never turn back i want to run away as far as i can *i prob. won’t run away but i wish i could* i just want too have a good balance in my life again <3

When I was diagnosed bipolar in 2007, my life was greatly devastated. Since 2002 I was taking online screening for depression on a pretty often basis and finding I was considered “severley depressed.” Now I was being told that sometimes I’m extremely happy? When have I ever been happy? I was hospitalized for 3 days a day after the first Christmas my Grand-Mother passed away when I was diagnosed by this hospital as bipolar. I could understand if I may have falsey put on a smile when saying hello to a nurse in passing but, it doesn’t even sound logical that I was happy. I […]

I wrote on here the other day about my life has fallen apart completely. I feel completely hopeless and trapped inside my own head, and in the days since that post, I’ve gotten blackout drunk, stopped taking my bipolar meds and had random anonymous sex 2 nights in a row because I have no other way to escape the way I feel. I hate being sober because all I can do is obsess about how my meds aren’t working, about how I can’t seem to pull it together and find hope in anything, and about how the one person I’ve ever truly loved in life […]

So (by someone on this site) I just got called ungrateful trash and that it wouldn’t matter if i died. Ummmm I have no fucking respect for someone who says something like that, especially on this site.

You are pathetic.. Using me? Who the hell do you think you are? I thought it was odd how you just wanted sex, even thoe we are not dating! Then I go onto facebook & see you gave your ex a hickey after we hooked up? Then telling me about ‘Brooklyn’ sounds like a whore too me. I think you should just be alone till you can figure your shit out dude! ***** your laying in bed with her yesterday when you had sex with me Thursday!? Todays fucking Sunday! What the hell.. I’m done.. I can’t do this shit anymore!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED […]

I’ve experienced all I need to now, I’ve loved, I’ve smiled, cryed and been torn apart. I’m ready to move on to the afterlife now, whats the point. I have no ambition or drive, or any passions, other then just being with a beautiful guy, but that will never happen, nobody cares for me or my tragic tale and says its a load of bullshit. Everyone these days are WAY WAY WAY WAY too different and freaky and it cause for way too many disagreements and incompatabilities! This world is officially FUCKED and I want out, now!! VERY soon, I will be heading to the […]

I’m ready to go but I’m afraid of what’s on the otherside. A soul set free? Or a soul still held captive? Not afraid of doing the deed, afraid of not completing it. Erasing the past, present, and future. Redo the equation and count me out. This emptiness has completed it’s mission. Time for me to go. The ground I’ve stepped on too many times is calling my name and it sounds so sweet. Going without a fight, and a smile on my face. Happiness. The lost ingredient of my life.. Found. One last memory written on paper. A whisper goodbye and her soul […]

So me and my ex just had this HUGE fucking fight about cutting. (It was a big fight considering I had an anxiety attack) He’s never cut and he didn’t know I did. I felt like it was time to tell him so I did. He flipped shit on me and told me he would kill himself (which he won’t). He said he loves me and wants to be with me. I am the same but I told him I wasn’t going through his shit again. I told him also that if he wanted to be with me again he had to earn a hall of a lot of […]

So that’s it. I feel lost and emtpy. I don’t see why I should wake up tomorrow. I got a Math exam tomorrow, but I haven’t studied yet and it’s late, so I’m gonna left it blank, as I did the last time. Nearly nothing makes me smile now. Maybe music is the only exception, but even when I play my favorite songs on guitar I feel numb. Day after day, I’m getting more and more depressed. What’s the point of all this nonsense? I want it to stop. I want to be a 8 years old kid who enjoyed making sand castles again. Life’s […]

Has anyone increased their dosage of citalopram? If so, did the increase make you feel worse before you felt better? Cause I’ve been pretty much suicidal for the last 4 days, I can’t sleep now cause all I can think about is ending it. If I had helium here I’d be gone already, but I only have a knife so keep sitting pressing it into my skin to see if I can cut… I can’t, too scared of the pain, but I just really, really, REALLY don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’d hook my car up […]

A simple question from a simple childrens movie.. “who are you” asked the caterpillar… “Why, I am Alice!” the small girl says.. but all I can hear is the caterpillar saying “Who Are You?”. and i have no idea who i am.. well duh im only 16.. but who am i? Where am i going? whats gonna happen to me? I know parts of who i am.. my best friend in the whole world has helped me realize who i want and who i  should be.. but she also has made me realize the type of person i really am. She relates to my problems, she is […]

I wish my thought weren’t so disorganized. I can’t think straight, and it is giving me a head ache. I can’t focus. I just want it all to be over with. I need to come up with a plan, but can’t concentrate enough to do so. I don’t have a lot of time left, but what I have is too much.

When I first starting cutting last year it hurt so bad. Now it’s like I’m numb. I can cut so deep it won’t stop bleeding for hours but it never hurts. Does this mean that I’ve gotten used to hardship and pain?

Anyone out there having trouble living your life also?

Fuck, I just want to give up everything and die.

I’m tired of explaining everything to everyone about why I have erratic moods, why I need help, why I’m not as normal as everybody fucking thinks. I’m so miserable living my life. I basically lay down in bed, thinking of all things I have to do, shouldn’t forget to do… but I just can’t get up. I wake up so late in the afternoon that my day is halfway gone. I eat, use the bathroom, then go back to my room. In my room, I’m on my laptop, on […]