I took myself off of my meds without my doctors permission.l didnt like feeling like a zombie. I am used to being sad all of the time and now i cant even be sad at all. The meds are definitely doing its job but i just dont like not being sad. i know that sounds absolutely crazy but its the way i am and the truth. I wonder if my parents will wonder that i am not taking my meds. i wonder what my psychiatrists will think when she finds out. ITs a risk im willing to take. NO MEDS FOREVER!
I’ve come to the point in my life where I’ve realized there is no point.
by pasquelina
by pasquelina
Since I was 14 or 15 I’ve detested living, but for the most part I’ve hung in there for other people. I tried back in 2000 (and obviously failed) to overdose on xanax. Apparently, I didn’t take enough. When I woke up I was PISSED. I ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks. The last several years of my life have been as far from positive and happy as it can get. Lost my job and after living in another state for 16 years I had to move back in with my parents because I have NO money left. My father will not speak […]
I don’t have the means to end my life. Of course anyone has some cord or rope within reach yet is that the way I want to go ?
No its not, and I haven’t my choosen best method of going which is an overdose of something, whatever it is.
I am shaking right now and can’t stop, my hands and legs are just uncontrollably shaking.
I have’nt decided if I want to go to a psych ward and check in, when what I really want is access to lethal drugs and wish they wwould administer them to end my life.
I’m just rambling, I wish I were already […]
they tell me they are proud but yet they tell me i am the reason they never had anymore kids. they tell me i dont have good enough grades that i need a scholaarship but yet they offer to pay the precious chosen first child they will help pay for his. when he moved out they gave him every family heirloome am i a daughter or a slave. i dont want to be an acessory. i see the fake love in their eyes. they take him everywhere i have been on one vacation i can remember with them th other were with my grandma. my […]
yesterday was a terrible day and i couldn’t stand it and my brother came and yelled at me to turn my music off and i just broke down… i don’t know how to calm down any other way… and he told me to stop whining and suck it up… and how exactly am i supposed to do that?
i feel like i am worthless i feel like i want to die i am sick of the bull shit that i put up with in my life i am done i hate this i hate feeling like crying all the time i hate feeling like i am not good enough that i am a no body having no friends well it is hard to make new friends when you are the odd one out for cutting your self the kid who’s dad died the kid with the crazy mom and the drugged out brother. i found out today that my ex left me because […]
when i am in a room with blaring noises more then one i start to shake and my mind runs. i cant handle it when i am home that night i will lock my house up like no one will ever leave again and no one can ever enter. i hate it i want it to dissapear.
i hate it when my mom decides not to let me eat and she doesn’t really realise that its not much of a punishment for me. i don’t eat much anyways and it won’t hurt to go hungry one more night…
when i walk down the hallway i see how you judge how you laugh at my friends. i look you straight in the eye and i see that judgement you have never talked to me once in my lifetime but yet you can judge me. i am not proud of my self you dont need to put me down for my size or for what i wear or for my friends. let me live my life without your judgement.
What do you do when your best friend is gone?
How are you supposed to carry on?
What do you do when your best friend is dead?
How do you deal with what fills up your head?
How do you live, sew up the seams?
When every night you hate every dream?
But those don’t come often because you can’t sleep
You lay curled in his favorite spot, remember and weep
This is the beginning of a novel i am writing…let me know what you think
In the whispering scilence there was not a sound to be heard. And then the screaming began. Now before i get ahead of myself allow me to tell you something. I was neither the victim nor the criminal. I was a witness. A witness to something i was pursued for. I don’t have much time left, so i will tell you as much as possible. It began with a scream. I was sitting in the playground under the tree when i looked up to identify the source of the scream. A […]
my life… i pushed for what i wanted. i always got close. sooo close yet every time, it fell. my soul,  for anything and everything is gone. i really just want nothing. existence as a whole i just don’t want.  growing up with an abusive family. pushing away from them. finding home in a best friends family. loving it more than your own. growing and pushing yourself to get what you want. only not to get it. learning not to care so much about it.  always with the thought of finding someone for you on the way, someone to love. of course being in many relationships. to give up […]
I honestly don’t know where my place is in the world. I mean, I’m pretty normal. I’ve been to the mental ward once, but other than that I live a pretty normal life. But honestly, not really. I think I’m fine, but really, I’m not even close to. I guess I’m just here to bother others. I never really seem to do anything right. I just want to disappear. I try to better my life, but there’s always someone who brings me down. I really want to go to a new school, even though school started last week, and my mother is being very close-minded […]
I posted here the other day telling my story I thank everyone for the advice but today when I got to school all I wanted was for me to die I was lonely, alone, sad upset and when I saw my boyfriend at school all I wanted to do was cry I held it together and didn’t. I had such a horrible day I am sitting by myself after school in Starbucks after my friend left (my only friend who has been there for me the most) & my ex boyfriend the one who needed space is sitting there with a bunch of girls […]
It seems that all I have done today is tried to make other people happy… And listen to their problems. For some reason, I woke up and started crying. Maybe I knew earlier how shit today was going to be. :I Seriously considering those drugs… I just didn’t want to be numbed, Because that’s what they do. They numb your self concious so you can’t feel depression, anger, hate… You just live in a blissfully happy world that supposedly is meant to make you happy as well. I don’t know what this is.. My thoughts typed out? Or a rant to myself. Who fucking knows? […]
I used to have a few really good friends that i go to school with. They’ve either moved or we’ve had a falling out. Now i’m stuck by myself, with no one to go to… Today was the first day of senior year. It’s supposed to be the best year of your teenage years, right? Well. I could tell you otherwise. I walk in the class.. and i’m alone. Everyone’s in their own little cliques and i’m sitting in the back, alone. I’m not the most outgoing girl ever, i’ve been this way since i can remember… always the “quiet girl”. I didn’t really know […]
Nothing is what it seems
So i faced my worse fear.. But the so called “vacation” i suppose to have fun on didn’t go as i planned… When i got to Ontario the first 2 days was relaxing and sorta fun. I hadn’t relaxed in a long time it was nice but after that my depression took a spiraling turn for the worst… I got extremely depressed i couldn’t even find the strength to play with my 2 year old baby brother Jayson whom was plastered to my side the whole time i was there… When we got home a week later i started to loosen up and relax.. But […]
In my life i use to be the perfect little girl. i played softball, dance, cheerleading, even played soccer. and was barely ever bullied i wanted that to be my life then i moved. ever since i moved i am not who i want to be i gained weight lost alot of friends and was bullied non stop. life for me is a struggle i struggle to keep friends i struggle to loose weight. i am not who i want to be….
So, I’ve got six more days till my suicide.. part of me can’t wait, and part of me is just.. like.. wow.. I don’t know what to do.. I’m still trying to find my ideal way.. but I kind of want it to be spur of the moment. I’ve debated many things. so.. yeah. But.. anyway.. I.. I feel really bad.. I’m being so mean to everyone.. so terribly mean.. because I want them to be able to let go of me easier.. to just think.. oh, she was a *****, and deserved it anyway. Maybe it will help.. I hope so.. anyways.. I […]