Today when I went into a convenience store there was a sign that said something to the effect; “smoking kills more people than murder suicide and so on….. every day”

It just bugs me, non smokers don’t have a clue in this world how smokers brains work. Like we don’t know we’re shaving years off our lives, as though it isn’t intentional.

I go back to the Kurt Vonnegut quote;

“The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide.”

I was loading up the truck yesterday, got short of breath […]

I can’t remember if I’ve talked about this, but those stupid fucking motors that gave me a fucking problem all winter break had the wrong chip on them. Some dude added a fucking P to the end of the chip name and then we had 500 semi-useless boards. This whole time this could have been fixed by ordering the right ones or maybe changing how we flash the boards. This whole time. Now I’ve tried to put in an order for 30 correct boards and my advisor is giving me fucking shit for it. Asking if they will work. […]

[Doubt my relatives or friends will bother to read all this, and wanted to post it here so my goodbye might be read by someone.]

27/01/2025

I want it to be noted that I am of calm, sound, and rational mind at the time of writing this. I have been thinking of ending my life for several years, and have considered the below points throughly from as logical and dispassionate a perspective as I have been able to adopt with regard to them. This is not a decision I am making in haste, while tired, or in the grip of strong emotion, but one which I have […]

I did really bad on my last exam. I forgot all the things I had memorized. I didn’t memorize them well enough. It was one of the tougher papers and three people ahead of me were absent. I couldn’t find my seat because I couldn’t find any of them. The girl who died used to sit behind me. All I could think was how they took her space. Her seat was not fucking empty. All the other seats were but they skipped her roll number. Her face wasn’t in the record sheet. I hate this place. Her roommates don’t live in her room anymore. But […]

1- Do you believe you’ll ever attain happiness?
2- Do you believe your depression will ever go away for good?

I don’t know why I grapple with this notice of life having meaning when I find all of the accepted meanings to be hogwash. Why delude myself into thinking I want to live for something when I know it is trivial to me in my heart. I’m too tired of life to make it poetic. After all, I know I hate living since the urge to drive off a cliff is as powerful as a siren’s call.

I’m a terrible person. Which I repeat here not to be down on myself (which I know is common among depressives), but to accurately represent my situation. By almost any moral standard you could choose to use, I am scum. Of course there’s a sense in which any moral judgement is subjective, and artificially imposed on reality by the human mind. But if you do believe that there’s certain things one should not do, then chances are you’ll agree I’m trash. I say this based particularly on my past actions, but also my current behaviour, my motivations, my emotions, my psychology. I’m an example of […]

That exit I had been hoping for is getting so slim, I’m starting to realize where I’m at; a place of hopelessness, a place where I scream into the void. Treatment folks showed up at the house earlier today, and in that checkup I realized how hard I’ve been running from admitting to myself how hopeless I feel. There’s just no will to become anymore. Sure, I could be something, but will to become, that desire to be is fading over here. Someone has to be willing, and they aren’t acting it.

I ran as fast as I could after that thing. I tried to catch […]

I had called my dad after I got off work this morning. Was crying but was able to keep myself somewhat together to talk. I don’t really know why I called, other than I hadn’t seen him/family in a while and was just overwhelmed in general. I asked if he thought something was wrong with me, and why I feel like there is. I think he had said there isn’t anything wrong, I’m just adjusting to things. I even told him that I feel like all I do is drag people down and burden people around me. Like at work. I can’t remember the full […]

First, insane fire in CA burning everything
Now, there’s a SNOWSTORM- in FLORIDA of all places

What’s next- fireball in the sky?
Probably, if we get into WWIII- OR we destroy our planet by all the pollution/greenhouse effect/global warming/etc

[First Post]

Statements or responses that I carried with me from a child into adulthood:

– Why can’t you just …
– Shh! // Shut up
– Don’t be so sensitive // You’re too sensitive
– You ought to …
– Whatever
– I’m disappointed in you …
– I thought you were smarter than that
– I’ll beat you to death!
– You will struggle when you’re older
– Stop behaving like that
– You don’t know what it’s like to struggle
– You’re a kid- you don’t understand anything

Add to the list with a comment. 

Signed,

deathbycoffee 

I want to die. Sometimes this happens. I usually ignore it. I get so busy with life and work I don’t notice after a while. Then eventually I don’t feel it anymore. I want to live. But this time it’s been this way for months I guess. I imagine the gun in my mouth a lot. A lot has happened. I got in a bad relationship with a man I didn’t know was married. I stayed even after I found out. Three people committed suicide here a few months ago. One was my neighbour of two years. We weren’t friends but we were becoming friends. […]

Pretty safe to say that everyone on here has been screwed by it. From depression to schizophrenia, everyone on here has something going on up there. The funny thing is, it’s a thing that fucks you from birth. You have no real say in it. Certain illnesses like PTSD are sometimes forced upon us. There are so many times in my life I wondered why my brain was so broken. Why did it not function like everyone else’s. Of course in actuality most people have this sort of thing. They just hide it well. It’s not […]

So I have a strange observation about myself. Maybe it’s all in my head maybe it’s not. When I was a kid I had what I believed was a strange knack for putting on a mask during stressful social interactions. Specifically to certain people. People I deem better than me or above me or something. So basically teachers and adults. I was able to say what they wanted to hear and express what they wanted to see. I didn’t really think about what I was doing. It was like autopilot. I said things I didn’t really mean […]

Is criticism. It wasn’t that I didn’t like criticism it was more that I couldn’t take criticism. Other ppl will let you know exactly who you are via feedback. The most valuable thing in the world is not gold stashed in a tax-free vault in Switzerland, the most valuable thing in the world is feedback. In my own case it took many years to get good at interacting with others then a few years ago I isolated myself from others and was watching world cinema -Bergman,Bunuel,Fellini, Kurosawa, all that bollocks,  excessively, and thinking this would not be a problem. One day I was interacting with […]

It has been a while, huh?

Just checking if I can log in outside of Poland, and yes, I can. Apparently the system has blocked access for Central and Eastern Europe visitors since the start of the war in Ukraine, because for the past 3 years, I’ve been unable to log in in Poland.

Can I please the admin take the blockade down or exclude Poland from its block list?

There’s too much to say but anyway, I’ve got some of the genetic testing results back and I 100% have a rare inborn defect that has scored 5 (the highest score) on the pathology scale. So […]

I’m not entirely sure what made me think I could handle this, any of it. But fuck that part of my brain. I’m too much of an idiot for this job, every time I think I’m doing something right something gets fucked up. Granted that’s very typical of me. I’m overwhelmed, I’m very tired, I’m annoyed that I have to do this all over again tmr night and I had to nearly fight tooth and nail for a schedule. I’m the idiot that can barely grasp anything and I’m just another burden people have to deal w here. I’ve had to ask for help and […]

So much of it comes back to that I’m not sufficiently sorry, I’m not ashamed. I look at what I am, and by all accounts the thing I am was something I used to feel bad about. That’s just something I’ve been getting over.

I was going to lead with the German version of “Someone has to be Krampus”, but then I remembered this existed and thought it was a better choice for the moment. Where did the shame go though? I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, and I did all the corrective actions back when I believed there was something wrong with […]

Significant parts of me want to do terrible things. Am I ever going to? I highly doubt it. I may sometimes feel like I want to, but I don’t actually want to become the person who’s done such things. If that makes sense.

I don’t want to have to experience being on the other side of having done them. Having to deal with the awareness of what I’d done, and see myself that way. Then again, I don’t want to deal with the awareness of the things I’ve already done, and who I am right now. But I assume it would be even worse.

Possibly not. Possibly […]

can you be happy if you completely disregard people and how they influence you? can you be confident in living selfishly, without allowing the judgement of others to seep into your mind? i wish to be fearless.