So… assuming the “self” is a mental construct, in which disparate and conflicting emotional currents are tied together by a chain of memories into something that feels vaguely coherent… what “should” one do?

I mean, if I know that parts of me want to do terrible things, and other parts want to do selfish but basically normal things, and still other parts want to refrain from doing anything immoral and act honourably, and some parts just want to end everything… and I know that whatever I choose, there will never be peace in my mind… what do I do with that realisation?

Does it matter? Does it […]

I pulled into the petrol station circa 9am. There was a female junkie, quite animated, knocking on car windows. She went to knock on my window, ” watch the car” I said, getting out of the car She launched into a cock and bull story ” will you use my phone to call this…’.      “Too complicated, no time” I said walking into the petrol station. I came back out and she started again   ” I need 5.80 to get to Kildare, gimme 5.80″ she said. ” No time, maybe go in and ask the Indians in the petrol station” I said whilst pulling […]

I seemed to have missed that memo…

I just don’t see how “wonderful” life is. -_-

Trying to just move into a 1 bedroom next week.

I’m tired of trying to explain myself when it comes to how I’ll make payments and the like…

Everybody is saying to stay the course another year and get it together, stay with your brother. I’m fed up, not with my brother, fed up that this is the best I’ve been financially so far. I’m not saving much money, I’m trying to get some better certifications and move up at work… It just seems like despite what I’ve done to get to this point, it’s just not enough. Nothing seems to prove that […]

Last I was here, I was actively suicidal and giving into despair. I still believe my life will end by my own doing. However, there will be no more giving into despair. I know I haven’t been a good person, even though I’ve tried. I was born very flawed, excessively so compared with the population. I never wanted to be as messed up as I was. I was never malicious or intent on sowing destruction. In fact, there’s very much love in my heart. I just never learned how to let it flow out of me. I know how to let it flow now, by […]

So I broke down and called the hotline last night, there’s a pain threshold where I have to because it’s that or start screaming. I’m being melodramatic, but only by a little. Passive suicidality, but it’s pervasive and it’s been going for a few days. I just don’t want to wake up, or go to sleep, any activity that involves living grinds against me and I have to force it.

It was this dumb job that messaged me back. They wanted me to use my old truck and my truck isn’t up to it, I think I’ve already talked about that. I wrote them a cover […]

I’m tired of life again

Pretty much the title. T minus 3 weeks out from my presentation. Still need to formally schedule the stupid thing. Been putting it off like I always do. Got no more steam for this project. I’ve always hated the design and never thought it would work. Always kinda phoned it in on that aspect. Getting through the last tests painfully slow. Motors keep burning out and I’m hemorrhaging money cause of it. Every time I turn that stupid fucking thing on, I immediately want to turn it off. This degree is going to be […]

Ren and stimpy will always be part of mine

My parents were so afraid of bad influences, but for some reason they never stopped me from watching this show which definitely warped my attitude towards the world forever, made ma sarcastic cuss who didn’t trust anyone I met

And we will probably go to hell, and that is our great reward…..

I mean this ran in the afternoon on children’s programming, I have no idea how they got away with it

Then there was the thinly disquised episode about anti depressants, where Stimpy put a machine on Ren that forced him to be happy, and Ren hated it, resulting […]

Hey, sorry I need to rant because I have no one else to talk to.
So obviously I’m unfortunately still here, but hell I shouldn’t be if I wasn’t such a coward!
I know I have a relatively quiet life so I should be so happy even if it’s so lonely.
I’m still working in retail and realistically I won’t change it, I’m so dreadful of changes I’m getting meltdowns whenever something big changing in my life and I don’t know why!
So basically I see my options as just be a cashier for 40+ years (I’m 26) which causes me a lots […]

The mirror reflects a face unknown,
A hollow gaze, a heart of stone.
No spark to light the endless dark,
Just endless night, a fading spark.

i’m not even living anymore. i’m just existing. it’s only been one year since i got depression, but i feel like i don’t have anything left worth living for. no friends, no future. my father said im just being a dramatic teenager – haha maybe he’s right

i’m being sent to boarding school next year, i haven’t had a friend in the last 3 years, and i’m emotionally disconnected from my family. my parents don’t […]

I feel like I write too much on here, speaking of me being a jerk, so if that’s the case please someone say something. It’s really a case of me just being lonely.

Anyway, to the point; I was waking up today and I had this brilliant semi lucid dream, I can remember enough of it to know that it was the best written bit to come out of my brain in……. I don’t know how long. It was so well written it woke me up a bit, made me angry. I tried to commit it to memory, and it was almost instantly gone, because as […]

Would I be able to come back

and fight it all away

Would I suddenly find my regrets

and remember why to stay

Little more than 3 weeks away from thesis presentation. I’m beyond fucked. A week ago I felt optimistic. It felt wrong to feel that way, so I’m happy to say I’m fucked. Makes me feel sane. Makes me comfortable. The dread. Hating being around other people. It feels natural. Feeling the other way felt unnatural. For a hot minute there I thought I was hypo-manic. There’s no way I can get my shit together for the presentation. I’ll be lucky if they downgrade my thesis to a capstone. It happened to one […]

It’s kind of everything that’s getting worse, except appetite, for once appetite isn’t a problem. Maybe that’s what I should focus on, what isn’t malfunctioning. I’m getting along with people fine. I’m doing what is asked of me by my family, so that’s good right? The A/C works, which I need today because it’s 80 F***ing degrees in March.

What’s getting worse though is my sleep, and anxiety. I laid in bed last night really struggling, and this morning it was like that too, because I didn’t want to wake up. When I am awake I have trouble finding stuff to do, even just getting into […]

I think I just got hired at this new job but I’m not sure because they haven’t updated me on anything after my drug test/physical/background check.

I’m essentially living with an ogre/twit. My father is someone who nobody ever visits because he has a chip on his shoulder nearly 24/7.

I don’t know if he’s a narcissist but he goes from 0-100 real fast. He likes to find new things in his house to hyper focus on and complain about. I’m fine with following his rules but it’s how he communicates those rules that just rubs me the wrong way.

For starters, he’ll call for […]

It’s hard not to be consumed by hatred, when you’re in pain, and don’t know how to stop it. There’s this part of me that just wants to hurt people, I suppose to have some external outlet for that pain. Or maybe to make them as miserable as me, since misery loves company. Then maybe I won’t feel so alone. Perhaps that’s the delusional logic.

And there’s no justification for that. I’m in this situation because of decisions I made. Other people certainly helped me to get here, but I was as free as anyone can be to choose a better path. So I can blame […]

My wife and my dad keep reminding me not to count my chickens on this one, but this is the most activity I’ve had in a long time. Yesterday I bit the bullet and applied for a company I’ve known about for almost 10 years, a company that does utility locates. I haven’t done any utility work in almost 9 years since my hospitalization. — (my timeline is all over the place, no accuracy to be had on that) —

Anyway, the point is that from the moment I applied they started sending me tasks to do. I haven’t had an employer this hungry since I […]

I’m at the stage where whatever it took to last as long as I have has been used up…

I don’t know why I’m stuck, just that I am. I can be a prolific writer, at times. Yet again and again I keep coming back to this starting place, of trying to write a paranormal adventure which has never been written to break the mind of the reader. In my mind it seems so simple, yet I’m stuck as stuck can be.

I know part of it is the entirely valid fear that no one will ever read it, so much of what I write no one ever reads. Much of what I write is a manic exercise in trying to quiet my thoughts. So […]