I am tired. I want to sleep. Tomorrow I need to wake up at 6 in the morning. Im a terrible human being. A lot of people love me. There’s a woman who I think I’m in love with. But, limerence…

What an awful thing. The moment that someone becomes  important to me, I already start preparing for losing them. Because I associate love with loss?

Before leaving for my studies, I spent half an hour crying. Before that I played sad tunes on my guitar until my arm hurt. Now, before going to bed, I watched porn. Who am I?

The worst thing is that she makes […]

I never thought I’d wax nostalgic for the days of book reports, that I would end up moved enough by a book that reading it wasn’t enough. I keep hoping I can get my creative juices working and write something of my own, fiction that is. I can write an essay anytime, as observed on here.

If you had asked me last week, I would have said that there were two kinds of horror; the legitimately suspenseful, and the emotional. Personally I consider myself in it for the suspense, I’ve encountered very few effective emotional books.

This one book, The Watchers by A.M. Shine, is a mold […]

“The most precious of all possessions is power over ourselves.”

“What worries you, masters you.”

“Who lies for you will lie against you.”

“Don’t let the things you don’t have prevent you from using what you do have.”
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https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KijI7EAGfOA
~30s

I know a lot of people disagree with my sentiment that it’ll be less work to die old, and that perhaps I’m putting myself through undue suffering

But then I ran into this story of this exceedingly average person for his time, a small businessman in the late 19th century. He died in 1906. But here he is getting talked about, which to me makes him a success story. The legend goes that he tried to spend so much on his monument that his family didn’t get anything. The truth turns out that he wasn’t specific about the amount to be spent. He said 1/6th of […]

? do they point to something deeper or are they just there? what do you guys think

Anyone who’s ever studied statistics knows that #s are easily manipulated to show whatever results you want it to show. I studied stats in college, but moreover, you can easily see conflicting “evidence” on different sites by different sources for things- each side has their own agenda, and so whatever “data” that proves their point is suspect. That goes with the other side as well, whatever that other side is.

Case in point- back in the day, “studies” used to show how great Cocaine was for medicines/health/etc. All those studies just “happened” to be funded by Merck/Pfizer/industries (what a coincidence!). And you […]

It’s funny the older I get the more I wish for death. What does age grant except a decaying body and broken mind… In reality, nothing! Unless medical science advances far enough to replace more major organs with machines especially the brain in the next 30 years but then you get into the philosophy of what is considered human at that point. If a person’s mind could be downloaded into a machine and installed into a robotic body, would they still be considered human is the philosophical question of the day.

Anyway, as stated in a previous post, I do not live for the things that […]

fuck my story. i just want to be a normal person. someone who helps out others. but i have so much contempt for them. so i’m not normal. i’m a little narcissistic. who cares? i don’t understand other people being narcissistic though as much. if anyone was made to be a narcissist, it’s ME. and the people around me aren’t much better. i just want to be around better people. would like to be appreciated too. FUCK THE PAST. gotta put in the work babeeyyyy. if only someone took a fucking interest! but i can’t use that as an excuse. i can’t… it’s all for […]

What’s stopping me? Fear of death/attachment to ideas about life. It’s hard to distinguish between the two. What’s so terrifying about an end to this life?

The finality of it? Knowing it’s something that can’t be undone? A final end to all hopes, dreams, plans, concerns. Letting go, of everything. An end to all that the self is, or thinks it is. Maybe that’s what’s terrifying.

Or is it that I’m afraid it won’t be the end? That the things I’ve done in this life will somehow torment me beyond. That the judgement I’ve been running from for so long will finally hit me. No more running, […]

I have Diabetes. My wife and I fought because she discovered that I have been eating large amounts of sugar and cakes. Sadly, my hands are turning numb and my chest hurts often.

My plan is working.

well, my life circumstances are really kicking me down. i gotta do something abt it. ppl don’t want me to drag them down with me.

update: life is a work in progress, imma bout to get started. would be super great if someone took an interest initially, but they will eventually!

I’m turning 36 tomorrow, but unless things go seriously awry I’m not going to have time or energy to write about it, not the next two days either

Supposedly the older you get the less thrilling birthdays are. I think that’s just for death denial people, those who haven’t accepted that they ARE going to die someday, and that someday gets closer every day. I’m tickled to be older, more excuses to complain about aches and pains and talk about how much better it was when I was young, even though it wasn’t.

It was great when I was a child, compared to now, but being a […]

Anyone else think the best way to commit suicide would be to just lie down on the train tracks and let a train hit you at full speed? I’ve thought about overdosing and also slitting my throat but I think there is a better chance I would end up in a wheelchair rather than actually being dead if I did one of those two things. I also think it would be easier on my family if I went out on the train tracks because they wouldn’t be the first ones to find me when I’m dead and it would most likely be the train driver […]

we do not need anyone else’s acceptance. we also do not need to tell everybody everything.

-_-

It is crazy going back and reading all my old posts. I have been on here for a LONG time. My early posts were from days of  loneliness, inexperience, sobriety, and innocence. You would imagine after so long one might have either finally healed and lived a better life or just plain blasted themselves. Nope, I “have reason to live,” or whatever. I guess I Don’t want to put my family through the trauma of my suicide so I choose to scarf down meds and alcohol. Fuck it right, that’s’ life. I think I am doing the work. Like I believe myself and everything; meds, […]

Just a dumb update. We had a lab meeting today. Of course I still felt like the dumbest one in the room. I could feel the judgement. The mixture of disgust, pity, and just pure contemptuous stares. Felt like I didn’t belong. I just don’t. That’s kind of it. I know I don’t. They know I don’t. Just tired pretending like I do. I guess one nice point is that my advisor that my ideas weren’t half bad when I brought them up in the smaller team meeting. That upped my confidence a […]

Wow, I was on reddit reading a post. OP was complaining how ppl were too hesitant to eat the dead until day7 in the Society of Snow. OP says he’d have started eating the dead by day2. DAY 2. Fucking insane. I mean, I totally understand having to resort to cannibalism for survival, but start eating them on day2? Ppl are fucking unreal. This is why I stay home and don’t want to be around people anymore- cuz ppl are fucking assholes/nuts!

1st off- the human body can survive ~30d without food. Only 3d without fresh water, but food the […]

Hey just wondering is there anyone here from Finland?

out of hope, tried too hard, barely holding on, again…………

I don’t want to die, I just want some hot water and to know I could keep eating…. . how gloriously niave I was that those meager boons were within reach

A large part of me wants to hang this useless corpse in front of one of the organizations that failed me…. but there are so many, and I only have the one useless corpse

or for something harder, heroine, fentanyl…… any narcotic capable of erasing the pain. I wish alcohol had ever done that for me…… lucky bastards who it does work for. I mean, they die […]