have a doctors appointment regarding my mental health. usually feel worse after them, from crying in front of the doctor, and feeling ashamed. I wanna not care what they think?
I suppose I suffer from what a psychiatrist would call a classic case of depression.
I’m not stupid. I know that life can suck at times for everyone, but THIS is getting out of control.
I have a TON of things ‘going’ for me; at least in the sense of having what MOST Â people consider ‘successful’…
A great, well-paying job, money in the bank, etc…but it doesn’t mean DICK to me…
I wake up every morning wanting to just simply be DEAD. This life thing is a cruel joke & I just want it OVER.
I’m already on Xanax b/c of my anxiety attacks -which are bad enough- but I just […]
I’m not too sure what to do anymore. Nights are the worst for this constant depression, days aren’t too bad because if i’m at work I don’t have time to think about them. I have to wear long sleeves at work though, weather it be hot or cold out just because  my scars and cuts make me a little insecure. But that’s not bad. Just lately, it’s been getting worse. I do NOT want to kill myself. I mean, I think it would just make all the pain go away but i want to see what live has to show me. I’ve been thinking lately […]
It feels like such a monumental task to explain everything that got me to where I am today. I simply don’t have the energy to write it right now, if ever. I don’t know.
Lately I’ve just been letting the days go by, I keep hoping something good will happen and change the current situation I’m in. I’ll explain the tip of the iceberg.
On February 20th, my best friend named jackie was supposed to video chat with me that night. We had just gotten off a stressful video chat during my lunch break that day. A few […]
It’s 3:00 AM, I’m laying in bed. Thoughts running around my mind, can’t sleep. Nothing new there. One thing keeps replaying though, a dream of my parents trying to explain to my little brother and sister why their big brother decided to take his life.
Why can’t I get rid of these thoughts? Why does my life seem so unbearable? There are so many more who are worse off than I am.
Why am I so miserable?
Currently on the phone with my boyfriend about to kill myself…we just got into a big arguement. After breaking up numerous times in the past couple months, we decided that since we’re dating now, we’d keep it secret. In order to keep guys from hitting on me, i put on facebook that im in a relationship..he never put that he was in a relationship on his facebook though. So i decided to take it down after a day because i felt like people thought iw as lying about having a boyfriend. He got upset really fast and started being rude. The rudeness eventually led to […]
What kind of vows are out there aside from marriage vows?
I understand that there are common-law marriages wherein a couple lives together for a certain time and are then deemed married although they’d never taken any legal action to certify the marriage.
I understand that there can be a vow between any two people or any number of people(e.g. I vow to do…)
So, what makes one vow stronger or more acceptable than the others?
A friend of mine recently argued to me that a breakup that I’d gone through could not compare to the troubles(a temporary separation) in his marriage. He went on to list everything he’d […]
I actually kind of enjoyed school today. Â Studying with classmates– I could almost pretend I had friends. Â And being playfully teased by a cute girl? Â I think I actually blushed.
But then I go home and the reality that I don’t really have any friends is inescapable. Â And I’m sure I’m too crazy for any girl to like me.
But I don’t think there’s a good way for me to go on living. I feel horrible all of the time. I’ve seen enough doctors, therapists, and social workers to populate a small country. I don’t see any future for me. I don’t even have any dreams to hang on to. I don’t have any friends either. I’ve spent two weeks in the hospital. It made things worse.
It is sad when happy people die; if only we could trade places so that they could go on living.
I’m young. I hate it when older people complain that my generation feels entitled to more than we deserve. […]
Teas gone cold, im wondering why I got out of bed at all
With all them rainclouds out my window
I cant see at all
Even if i could, it would all be gray
but your picture on my wall, it reminds me that its not so bad
its not so bad at all
The blood flows from my arms
You cry and tell my that I need to stop
You don’t understand.
This is what keeps me alive.
This proves I’m still human deep down.
This shows me I can still bleed, that I can still feel.
The razor is my best friend now.
He never judges.
He’s there when I need him.
He let’s me take my feelings out.
It’s not healthy it’s what makes you right.
This makes me right.
No matter how sick and twisted it sounds, its what keeps me sane.
If the price to pay is a little blood and […]
I’m cutting right now.
I can’t get myself to stop
Even typing doesn’t stop me, or talking to all of you.
My endocrinologist handed me a four month supply of synthroid. Â It has taken all my strength not to down it.
Somehow I’m still here.
The pills were hidden.
All I want to do is find them.
And take them.
I’ll go crazy until I find them….And then nothing
After a day of failing 3 tests, being taunted about my girl, and getting nothing accomplished, I’m back to square one. Hello razor. Goodbye wrists.
okay. i am going to do this butterfly project. feel free to request a butterfly! comment below. oh, and follow me @sillybabypanda! i’ll post pics of my arms (hopefully) daily.
I wake up..find a brush and put on a little makeup..just to hide the scars and fade away the shakeup. Told him I came back because I left the keys on the table, but he knew that I was creating another fable. He thinks I wanted to. He doesnt even trust in my long-wanted suicide. I cry…cause when he calls me “Angel” I want to die.
I sit next to the prettiest girl in the world..
More than a hundred people say “hi” to me daily..
I get treated with more respect in a couple minutes then i have my whole life..
I fall in love with everyone more and more..
I think about suicide..
my cat chasing the laser…. hilarious.
butterflies
blonde oreos. especially double stuf. (hint hint)
writing and receiving mail.
you guys and all your support
love.
cute old people
girl scout cookies
sleep
books
kpop
did i mention books?
changed lives
music
oh yeah, i forgot! kpop.
starting my new youtube channel, thedillpandafools
sun
storms
flowers
my friends
ezra <3 (feeling ain’t mutual, but whatevvs)
ellachristina
distant.road
Duke of Marmalade. you always make me laugh.
Schneiderang
beautiful poetry
classic rock
guitar
piano
random acts of kindness
laughter
back massages
manis and pedis
ice cream
the beatles
beach boys, too
God, of course
more to come….
No one notices I’m not me anymore. That my smiles are fake, that my mood has changed. I’ve been so depressed lately that the side of me that I would keep happy and normal has been down. But no one cares. I’m doing and saying things I wouldn’t have before, yet no one sees. Am I that invisible?
Everything hurts too much, especially my heart. My girlfriend self injures (as do I) and has told me that she won’t even try to stop. It’s tearing me to bits. I need to go to a place where I feel nothing. Feeling has become too troublesome for me. I’m scared to death of facing my attacker in court. He will kill me with his eyes.
I have everything set up. I have my note. But as usual I’m too scared to do it.
It’s never too late.