Is anyone else completely alone like me? No friends, no family, no SO. Hell, not even a pet.

I had a few friends but they’ve all gone over the years. The last one last year. And I don’t mean “friends” the way American culture defines friends so loosely (like FB friend or hangout friend or anyone you talk to is a “friend” according to Americans)- I have a much more stringent definition of friend- like someone who is actually there for you.

Anyhow, I don’t even have a damn pet (allergies so I cannot). I have ZERO attachment to anyone and anything. […]

Things have been bad for me lately, mentally speaking. I’ve been majorly depressed, and I love to make myself feel worse when I’m depressed, so I’ve been thinking about her again. I bet she never thinks about me. She probably doesn’t even remember my name anymore.

I see her around a lot this year. I see her with her new friends, living her life completely oblivious to my mere existence. I don’t make posts about her that much anymore because it makes me sound like a whiny virgin (which I am…) but in truth, I think about her every day. I wish I […]

I’ve written about this before, but I have this exaggerated fear of loss. More specifically, my parents golden retriever is 16. She’s doing well for her age, but she’s growing more and more unsteady, slowing down month by month. She probably won’t last the winter. This reality terrifies me.

I’ve spent a lot of time raising her, looking after her throughout her life. A lot of that time I was living at home with her. She was pretty much the only being who consistently looked happy to see me when I got up every day, who wanted to be around me when I came home from […]

Dead climate refugee

I have lost 42 lbs. since the middle of May and I thought I would be happier with the results, but i’m not.  I am 166 lbs. right now but for some reason I don’t feel significantly better.  My blood pressure has stabilized dramatically which is definitely a positive thing, but I still feel oddly unsatisfied.  I walk for around an hour and a half every evening to clear my head and just kind of keep my metabolism still working somewhat.  But not even that brisk level of intermediate walking helps me feel better.

I spent 2 hours last night rearranging my game room even though […]

Lately has been so hard for me emotionally, financially, mentally, and spiritually. This is the most I’ve ever felt down. I don’t have my man no more . I don’t have my friends anymore. My car caught on fire. Went to jail for the first time. Living on my own with my kids for the first time financially supporting them myself. Sitting here crying listening to sad songs . Particularly Adele . Love me some Adele. To whomever reads this, thank you. I just needed to tell someone.

Keep in mind, this is from the perspective of the USA.

The plan is to get rid of/sell off most of my things minus a few bare essentials by late 2025- early 2026. Rough estimate but I’ll get to where I just have a relatively small amount of things. I think I’m done with owning a lot of the stuff I currently have anyway.

I’m at the point where I’m slowly realizing that I may just be one of those people that can “own nothing and be happy”. I’m finding myself doom scrolling on social media (the few I consistantly use anyway). Youtube’s feeding me […]

Do you dislike the people in your town/ city/state/ country/ world?

I would love to have someone to talk to about my interests, what’s on my mind, to learn about people. to laugh until I’m hurting with someone, I haven’t done that in years. since isolating myself and denying myself stimuli, my personality has flatlined and it feels like my brain is shutting down. i want to learn to speak to people again, it is physically difficult to do. it feels so hard to return to normal, i find it impossible to talk to people my own age (20) because everyone seems so hostile, everyone has this “us vs them” mentality all the time and it’s […]

(cue family stuff here)

Ever since February of this year. Yeah, I’d say it’s since then, and my recounting of the events are quite disorganized due to me myself being disorganized, go figure, but me and my “family” have had quite the squabble about my future (involving college attendance and all that). A squabble that is primarily dealt with in silence, and furthermore inside of my own head with my perceptions of them no doubt, but I know that every time I lash out at my father for example with curse word galore, which is really both on a surface level and deeper than that me […]

Shorted the last PCB I had. No chance that I can make the deadline now. I was working late at night. Around 9:30. Everyone was already gone. I thought that if I really tried and spent the time that things would turn out all right. But it’s been one failure after another. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I walked home crying. Trying my best not to catch anyone’s attention walking by. I had to talk to someone. I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Texted those dumb crisis hotlines. Told them the whole […]

SOME ppl get to have great lives, happy lives, with love and comfort and security, while the rest of live us live like shit, in misery?

Yeah yeah “life isn’t fair,” but why shouldn’t it be?

Needed to let out a bit more of my head. Someone asked on here if I was self sabotaging. I don’t really know what he meant by that or how to respond. If he’s asking if I do things that end up fucking me over, than yeah I do that. Most times I don’t mean to with the intention of having it fuck me over. I don’t really know. Had a conversation with a girl from my lab. Told here that I might not make deadline and was trying to figure out how to tell our advisor. […]

I hate to put the blame all on someone else but my youth was a complete disaster thanks to that guy. It only dominoed into my early adulthood.

When I think of my father, I think of an angry man who would do nothing but yell, scream, and physically hurt me, my brothers and my mom. I just remember him cussing us out, kicking us, telling me how much I embarrass him because I wasn’t impressing anyone on the football field or the track. I remember how much of a Karen he was whenever we were out in public. He’d be that guy complaining over nothing […]

You forgot the color film, my Michael
Now no one believes us, how beautiful it was here, ha-ha, ha-ha
You forgot the color film, for my soul
Everything blue and white and green and later no longer true

She was in East Germany in 1975, she laments how gray it is there. Her boyfriend Micheal, her heart forgot the color film on vacation, now they will have no memories of marvelous color, the only reprieve they had from their lives.

The sea buckthorn stood tall on the beach of Hiddensee
Micha, my Micha, and everything hurt so much
That the rabbits looked shyly out of their burrows
So loudly did […]

I feel like a lost little sheep… -_-

that a happy and fulfilling life was so damn hard to achieve?

I’m not doing too hot. I’m actually in excruciating pain. I present my progress tomorrow. The robot isn’t done. I spent the last few weeks working on nothing but the project. That’s a lie. I’ve spent a lot of it goofing off. Every second I spent playing games could have been spent on the project. I spent around 14 hours yesterday trying to assemble it. No dice. Any idiot with half a brain could have done what I did in a few hours. It’s killing me. The stress. I can feel myself […]

It’s been an eventful few days. I cried a few times. Me, crying, what is this world coming to? Big emotions, huge life forces, enough to overcome even my massive will. Unstoppable force meets immovable object.

I met with my therapist, and that really was the least of it. Just a concentrated rage dump there, really. I can’t let my rage out in polite society. I do hate this place, and most of all I hate all the passive jerks who don’t challenge it. I’ve been one for too long. So I’m trying to stop. Here’s where I get that maniac grin.

But it’s the sanest thing. […]