Things will only get better if I actively make it happen. And the truth is I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the hope, the ambition, the drive, the energy, the will. All that’s left in me is craving, regret, depression, sadness, resentment. I’m tired all the time. In low-level pain all the time. I don’t talk to anybody, rarely even leave the house or see anybody. I just do my work, eat, rot in front of the computer and occasionally sleep. And have weird mixed up dreams of people I used to know, back when I was still a person.

So nothing will […]

~30s

I’m so happy right now. It may not seem like much but to be able to understand what I’m studying means a lot to me. I used to think I was too dumb to learn things like Chemistry but I’m slowly making progress everyday. When I first started, I couldn’t understand how to read the periodic table of elements, now I know all kinds of things. Avogadro’s number 6.022 x 10^23, electron configuration, electromagnetic waves, photosynthesis, how to convert moles of an element into grams of that element and vice versa, etc. On a surface level this doesn’t seem like much but for me it […]

Fourth week starts tomorrow. A quarter of the way through. I’m trying to figure out which strike I’m on. I feel like I haven’t hit 15 yet, but I think I’m pretty close. Too many screw ups, too many instances of embarrassing myself, too little thought into what I do. I feel like my mentor at this point has just given up on me. Everything I try to do, I mess up or don’t think through. So like I said I can’t go into specifics because I’m pretty sure corp Z is watching, but my job was to […]

by which I mean I could definitely need stronger drugs or be rendered unemployable again really easily. It’s weird, getting it shoved in my face this directly. FYI, there’s only ONE approved drug stronger than what I’m on, and I’ve been on it. This whole journey to health started a year ago when I started getting off of it. I wasn’t employable on it. It was lithium. I don’t mean to be mysterious, this is how I talk.

I’m back, BTW, so if you’ve been replying to me and I haven’t been replying, it’s because I’ve been holed up in a hotel room in a strange […]

I think a large portion of depressed ppl are depressed bc we spend all our childhoods in school, till 18 or 22 for most ppl, then we work a dull job for shit pay for ~45 years, then “retire,” only to have nothing to show but poor health and little money. Sure that’s not everyone, but that’s a large, significant portion of the population here in America.

Are there opportunities? Sure, for a few. For the middle class and rich. But being born poor or to poor parents, what are your options? Meritocracy is like a leprechaun at this point. […]

Starting to feel like I’m having imposter syndrome in life. I’ve made some improvements bit it’s nowhere near enough. I’m finding myself getting more and more irritated in general. Sick and staying home today, so I’ll be here, just reflecting I guess.

What do I do when I’m not working? Read up on computers and networking related things, try to improve my ability with Linux. I stopped the video games so the most I’d do with that is watch the occasional gameplay videos to try to calm down.

Idk I’m tired of my life it seems. I can’t keep going like this.

I’m […]

No matter what I do, Of course I’m back here again. I cannot see my therapist anymore because he’s become more of this conspiracy theorist who seems to try to convince me more and more every time that I can just think or just make whatever I want just happen just because I want it to, but then the more that he invalidates as to why I am so negative and pessimistic all the time, when everything’s just going like hell lately, he just keeps trying to convince me that he’s not invalidating me and that all he’s trying to do, is try to prove […]

I just finished my school year. Great! I should be happy, but instead I’m in complete panic mode because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with all of my sudden free time.

Look for a job? Write a book? Do gardening? I suppose they’re all valid, the only problem is that I have a terrible and constant upper back and neck pain. It would probably be fixed by something, but I don’t know what that something is.

Last week I attempted to occupy myself, and I just overworked myself and apart from that, I’ve been thinking about my past a lot recently because people […]

I just found out that Amazon sells apricot kernels. When did stores start to carry edible poison in higher doses? Then again, stores can sell alcohol which can become toxic in high amounts. I am so tempted to buy some and eat the entire bag. Painful way to die be damned… I notice now I hate living so much!

Yup, I’d choose Bear, hands down.

~60s

Week 2 is over. Week 3 starts tomorrow. The second week was a tad bit rough. Kept making dumb mistakes and tripping over myself in front of my mentors and other engineers. Still trying to chip away at it. Still not entirely sure how this is going to end. Any of it. Been going to lab on Saturdays to try to chip away at the other stuff. Making a tiny bit of progress, but I want to be in there more to work on it. I can’t with my current commute. Get up at 5 […]

I feel like I’m flipping inside, like a rock in a tumbler; dutifully polishing myself to appear so smooth and beautiful, to invite the curious touch of the world around me.

But the barrel is dark and the grit is slowly whittling away at all that I am, making me smaller until I am not the stone that caught your eye any longer.

I fall into the mass of other beautifully polished people worth no sharp edges or variations in texture.

-————-

the image is another random poem I wrote. I don’t know if I like it much yet.

Is never fucking wrong. So I got a bit of a start when It read 1hr30 mins for a journey and not the usual 42mins. I also elected to ignore the fact it said part of the motorway was closed and proceeded with the journey anyway. I would pay for that later on. First 30 mins I sped along fine, if there was a logjam I must have avoided it I thought to myself. All of a sudden I drove into traffic at a standstill. A sign glared ‘ Emergency vehicles only on left lane’. I checked google maps it read 2hrs 45 mins. I […]

I’m watching a documentary on Shawn Michaels and Brett Hart’s rivalry in WWF, and it makes me a bit sad. I’ve stopped watching wrestling because idk if I can get back into it at this point. I don’t know where my head is at anymore. I must be lacking an outlet maybe. I will definitely see a therapist. I just feel lost, like I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m not good with money, I’m still broke, and I’m pretty low. I can’t game, most of the things I liked I really don’t much care about, and I’m trying and failing to improve my […]

SO here’s the thing- sure I’m depressed with MY life OFC. But I’m ALSO massively depressed bc of the way the world is run, how everything is rigged by the soulless assholes at the top who control everything. I’m depressed about the inequality, injustice, corruption, economic rigging, political rigging, hell pollution too. Thing is, most ppl don’t care about all this stuff, or if they do, they know it exists but go “eh.” It doesn’t bother most ppl enough to be upset about it for more than a few seconds.

Or they’ll feign anger or whatever emotion they feel like they […]

Nope.

We can’t trust “facts.”
We can’t trust “science” when “science” has an agenda.
We can’t trust anything we see in the media. The media is owned by capitalist soulless assholes, I mean billionnaires, who have an agenda.
We can’t trust anything a corporation tells us. Even “facts” like how much energy we’ve used read from our “smart meters.” Can we really trust that ANY of that data is correct?

Nope, we can’t trust anything anymore. Is it a wonder why ppl are depressed? Like yes, I’m depressed about MY life, but I’m also fucking depressed about this world. Or […]

Hey,
I’m just another 17 year old, who, like most you, found this website when I typed in “smooth passages” on incognito mode after reading about 300 pages of ‘my heart and other black holes’ in one sitting yesterday.
Am I depressed ? I’m not sure.
(I’m not even sure if I’d know cause who tf decides what depression feels like ? shouldn’t it be different for everyone ? you look it up on the internet, the signs of depression, and stuff like ‘ Increased engagement in high-risk activities ‘ comes up. I think that’s bs. )
I have a ton of people who’d call […]

humans are prone to find patterns, even when they aren’t there, so I’ve always tried to correct away. On that same note, human behavior tends to follow patterns, so I do tend to give some credit to any patterns I find in my own behavior

When I get really sad, I tend to look far off for some hope, something to grasp for. This much I know about myself.

shame has kept me silent about it for so long, even now I can’t confess to anyone who knows my name or face. Damned pride and damned my desire to not look silly and stupid. Because I am, […]

I’m rewatching a scifi comedy from my childhood, Red Dwarf on Britbox. Good stuff if it’s your sort of thing, it’s mine obviously. Anyway the premise of this specific episode I had completely forgotten until now; a squid with hallucinogenic venom that makes you hallucinate whatever makes you want to kill yourself

Anyway our crew run into it, and end up in a group hallucination where their actual lives had been a video game, and their “real world” personalities were awful people, the types of people they’d be ashamed of.

I wanted to bring it up, because often times waking up, reintroducing myself to “real life”, I […]