Even doing my art, something that’s supposed to be therapeutic and expressive for me, has become another thing that I always overthink and hesitate on, something I dislike, something I don’t do unless I think it will be perfect – or, well, as perfect as I can do anything ever. I can’t even do my hobbies w/o being reminded of my flaws, and it stings. Always worried about everything. It’s ridiculous, honestly. It made me lose my motivation, […]

I guess something just clicked. I didn’t think I’d ever follow through. Thought i would always be too scared. Now what’s done is done. Maybe I can just go to sleep

This place was a comfort to me years ago. Less so now, but i hope the people who need it continue to find it.

Half the people id like to say goodbye to are already dead and the other half left this place forever ago, so here’s a sincere thank you to just.. push out into the void. Goodnight, guys.

Goodnight, Captain

well, seems like the shame is all on my side…. makes sense.

I ended up taking monday off….. that’s such a nice way to say I almost quit but took a sick day instead. My boss is has chronic allergies, so there are no sick notes. Maybe the employer is kinder, could be, but I think my initial take is the right one. I know where I’m being shielded.

Anyway, so I wasn’t pushing as hard today. It didn’t seem to matter. Nothing does.

I’m near the bottom of my burnout, I don’t know how I’m working right now. I guess because nothing matters, not even if I’m […]

I’m so far from anything healthy, or normal. I’ve completely isolated myself. To the extent that even when I’m around people, drinking and talking, trying to be sociable and personable, I’m alone. I’ve isolated myself morally, psychologically. I’ve become something unrecognisable, twisted, alien.

And I have no fucking idea what I’m doing here, out on my own. This is uncharted territory. Here be monsters.

I know there’s no way back. There’s no way of unseeing the things I’ve seen, or undoing what I’ve done. There’s not much of a path forward either. No real examples to follow. Those who’ve been down this road tend to keep it […]

I wanted to end it. But even completely drunk, I just don’t have the balls to commit to it. I’m too much of a coward.
Why is it so hard to go against our self preservation instinct?

Was by living in a world of imagination. I remember well what a teacher wrote on a term report card when I was in third class – ” Being a dreamy boy” was the line in question. The translation of this line would be ” he lives in the imaginary world and not the real one”.  A problem, any problem has to be caught early, if not caught early just like cancer it gets out of control and you die. This fucking propensity I had for imagination led to the inevitable namely hardcore suicidality. I recall an interview with Fellini about the time he took […]

in the tradition of our species, I’m going to try and tell a story instead of actually facing the horrors straight on. Maybe you know some of it yourself, it’s a common enough one

There was a spiral in the distance, in the clouds one day it seemed it was just a passing thing. What an odd thing the townspeople thought. The clouds never spiraled before. Yet the next day, there were more spirals in the water, and people found themselves dancing spirals on the way to work

the town was soon beset by spirals. Everywhere you went, there was the spiral. At the doctors surgery, the […]

I have become more and more isolated over time.  It’s kind of an odd feeling because now I just have everything delivered to me whenever I need something.  These days I work from home, so for the most part I can live a contactless existence.  It’s an unusual place to be when you realize you don’t need to go anywhere.  I always keep a tv on for background noise though, because I really can’t stand the stillness of pure silence.  Which I suppose is kind of ironic considering how secluded I find myself these days.  I wonder if I will ever really feel comfortable in […]

I’m starting to think I can’t keep this up.

I’m finding myself getting more and more angry and agitated as the days go by.

Thinking that after this lease is up, regardless of what happens, I just need to go down my own path. Stop asking for anything and distance myself for a while.

For the sake of making my own way. I feel like I just take and take. I’m sick of taking. Tired of burdening everyone important who tried to help me.

There are so many things I need to do to fix myself and I’m getting nowhere because it’s […]

I’m writing my will. It’s just a good thing to do, especially if you’re contemplating suicide. No loose ends.

I own a little flat, and I’ve been thinking for a while of leaving it to a friend’s daughter. I don’t want to leave it to my family, they all have property. Not that I know a lot about my friend’s financial situation, but I don’t think he’s been that lucky in life. And also, I have a bit of guilt around owning property on colonized land. My friend is indigenous, the way I see it, I was only ever borrowing the land anyway. If I’m […]

Every day I wake up to this hell scape I’m supposed to call a home, it completely horrific and unbearable. It’s been this way for my whole life, the terror, the constant feeling of drowning or unable to breathe. I just want it all to end, but it never does. I don’t know how people do it, go on about their lives as if  the world isn’t falling in on it self. It’s scary, I feel so alone and desolated from everyone, it feels like I’m the only one seeing and experiencing this. I’m tired and mentally exhausted, I just want someone to acknowledge what […]

I don’t know if that makes it better or worst, we’re suffering now, at least a few of us from the same thing. So we can at least comiserate.

but the pain is still too acute for me. I’m too vulnerable right now. So the intimacy scares me, not traditional intimacy but communal familial. I guess I’m waiting to be invited. New family member anxiety, and it’s a loose family. Subtlety was always something I had to work to understand.

I’m trying though. Every bit of my emotional experience is wiirrring away trying to figure out how to navigate this situation. But now I’m finding out theirs […]

I’m a final year student about to enter the job market, and my family’s well-being weighs heavily on me. While I appreciate everything my parents have done for me, their pressure to find a job immediately is causing a lot of stress.

Looking back, my academic performance wasn’t ideal due to personal struggles in high school. Now, many companies have strict eligibility criteria, making things even more challenging. Although I managed to do well in college and 12th grade, it feels like it’s not enough.

Hearing talks about being a burden to the family breaks my heart. I want to contribute and find a […]

I was listening to coward of the county, it struck me how many fights I ran away from.

When my wife decided she was through with my financial issues, I surrendered.

I tucked tail and ran when my hospital was run by a maniac, and riots ran rampant.

When my company lost it’s use for me, decided it was done with me.

When my passion career said no, when every school I had hopes for wouldn’t even take my calls.

When my back up career decided to back me into a corner.

when my back up to my back up did the same damn thing.

This is the corner I won’t be […]

Nobody has to know.

That’s what I always tell myself whenever suicidal thoughts come around. See, incarceration, social vigilance, and psychiatric violence aren’t my thing. I haven’t, to date, met anyone who appreciates getting tased, shot, beaten, and their freedom taken away from them after mustering the courage to speak out anyway. It certainly isn’t a me thing.

Mouth shut. I need to avoid danger, and there’s no need to say why. There’s no safety in coercion, in raw, unfiltered violence. Losing one’s freedom is no fun. It, instead, can be quite a traumatizing experience. Never again.

But there’s more […]

Things have gotten better. My bad luck finally leveled out. I got my van back after 3 fucking weeks. I moved into my place. My dad went back home today. Things are stable enough to allow me to start buying parts for my PC again. Even though I failed my intern project, something was worked out to where now all I have to deliver is a report. Bores me to fucking tears, but I should still try to make it good. Kinda phoned it in last week and spun my wheels. Can’t afford to do that, […]

I don’t get them often. Its been 2 years since I last had one, when I was leaving my ex. My throat closes up and its hard to breathe. Stomach in a knot, nausea, chest tightening. I don’t know what brought it on today. Nothing to do but lie down until it passes. Anyone else get them?

It’s nearly been 2 years now since I was last here. Things never got better since the last time I attempted and posted here.

I tried attempting again last year July, but got caught and the things I was going to use were taken and hidden or thrown away. After that, it was just covered up.

I met someone in September of last year, we started dating, and then 3 months in, he started cheating and I found out in March this year along with the fact that he lied about how old he is. It was incredibly toxic and I planned on attempting while we were […]

I feel completely hollowed out today.  I suppose that’s not fair, because this feeling has been growing with intense ferocity over time.  I’m not even really sure what to do anymore, i’ve lost interest in most of the things I used to do, or my vision is so poor now I just can’t do them anymore.  The best, case scenario is that I have around 4 surgeries lined up in the future, if i’m even around that long, but even then, the complications and outlook of those are not incredibly optimistic.  So, I just kind of feel like everything is a noose slowly tightening in […]

I know, not that anyone knows……. but I’m still trying to figure this out. Did I set my expectations too high? Was I high on some of the drugs they gave me when I got the results from my cognative assessments? Or have people been telling me I was uncommonly bright for most of my life?! FYI, what to say to a kid to screw them up. Tell a kid they’re a screw up…. well aren’t we all. Geez I feel like that on a daily basis, that’s just life as not the richest person in capitalism.

Uncommonly bright. You should be a professor. You should […]