I’ve been sober for 73 days. Lately I’ve been getting nightmares where someone I love is shaking their head in disapproval of my relapse. During the dreams I feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack. When I wake up, I feel my heart rate beating really fast. Sometimes the dreams feel so real that I have to double check that I really didn’t relapse before getting out of bed.

I don’t know why but I get this mentality that if I were to relapse then I’d be a failure. I feel like I’d be hopeless if I did relapse. I feel like […]

This is an odd feeling.
Wrestlemania is on tonight. Wrestlemania 40, WWE on a roll again, with good storylines and everything, and yet I’m not even watching it.

I haven’t watched any wrestling in about 6 months, and I was very into it back in 2020 – 2022 in particular. I stopped after I’d lost my job and just hadn’t picked back up on it. I see headlines so I have an idea of what happening, but I don’t think I care about it as of late.

It’s just weird.

Was on a weight loss regimen, had help and everything, was […]

I’m so tired of being this. Sad, lost, full of regret and resentment. I don’t want to be this broken thing anymore. It hurts. It’s not an existence that’s worth living. I don’t have it in me to be anything better. There’s too many obstacles, and some of them just can’t be overcome.

and not for nice caring people. People who care the most, people who have empathy, sympathy and feelings- generally tend to be way more depressed and suicidal.

1- Genuinely nice and good ppl get taken advantaged of.
2- Genuinely nice and good ppl (real ones, not the phony ass fake “nice” ppl that’s rampant) are the ones that are bothered by the news, by the state of the world, by actions taken by their local/state/country leaders, other world leaders, hell, even by local Karens and Kens.

The ppl not bothered by anything in the news, not bothered by the suffering of fellow human beings, not bothered […]

If suicide was easy, we would have been dead a long time ago.

~1min

YES, yes I agree with the comedian 😛

I cant get a job because itll hurt my chances of getting disability. Even if i do get disability thatll never be enough to move away from all the fentanyl pill poppers. Theres so much hate coming from ever aspect of society in these days. I wish i made it to syria in 2013, even though the terrorists or army would of killed me

I was acting on the supposition ppl are stupid, or in this particular case the brunette pharmacist. There was a tonality to her voice which implied her mind was made up and could not be changed, at least that was my deduction from the other end of the phone. Terror made me bold ” but maybe there was a technical glitch, the Ambien is definitely due today” I said. ” No, there has been no to use your phrase technical glitch, the Ambien is not due for another three weeks” she said with that same tonality I didn’t like. This was it ” so there’s […]

I’m thinking of throwing myself in a sea and be over with it.

guess what? im back.

y’know i seriously thought that maybe I won’t have to come back but I prove myself wrong every single fucking time and at this point, I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

the future that I see right now is a fucking hell and well my present is too so ig I shouldn’t be that surprised but honestly speaking I thought that shit might be different this time. i really fucking did. but I guess I shouldn’t have because now it hurts even fucking more.

the future I see right now is something I wish I don’t actually have to live cuz trust […]

My heart and body are freezing.

I’ve tried to summon feelings of remorse but it feels like my chest is simply hollow. I have to go to school tomorrow too. 

I have made mistakes. I have fallen, and I don’t really know how I will get up. I feel cold and empty. Literally, my legs are freezing. And my body feels hollow.

I silenced my conscience and forced myself to do it even though I don’t like it. And I don’t feel better. It’s late at night. I have a feeling that… I might have trouble sleeping. 
I’ve acted irresponsibly. And I’m not sure this will make it […]

and maybe this is just for me. I can take a hit. Or at least I’ve been able to for awhile….. but these last few days things have been trending well, and that’s harder to take. Because I’m less accustomed to that.

I’m not downplaying, or taking a victom role or catastrophizing or any of that. This is good news. I got the job. I’m making a good salary, and it really looks like I have a shot at getting caught up on my projects.

I’m also 36 years old, This isn’t my first rodeo, and I’m sorry for the cheesy analogy but I am at the […]

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I wonder where the years have gone. I never expected to still be alone.  I know that as an HSP and introvert this is better for me. But it’s hard to feel that I don’t matter to anyone. There are a handful of people who care a little, but I’m not all that important to anyone and this makes me sad most of the time .

I’ve created this little imaginary world for myself. This is something I’ve done since I was a child. In my imaginary world I do […]

it’s been five years since i joined this website– three since i wrote something. i’m a college sophomore now which is pretty wild considering i tried to end it back in tenth grade.

i guess it’s sort of a good-bad thing. i used to be this perfect little daughter and well talk about adulting. it definitely is scary i’ll be turning twenty this year, not super stoked about it.

i moved a thousand miles away from home to be with someone who had kind of saved my life. i’d always felt i owed them something and that i could and should do anything for them. i kept […]

I feel like very little focus has been given by society to the question of how to cope with having to give up on one’s deepest needs/desires/longings. The assumption always seems to be that with the right fix, the right help, everything is achievable, for everybody. And I just don’t think that’s the case.

Sometimes, there are things that feel crucially important that you just can’t pursue, without compromising other fundamental needs, or putting the wellbeing of others at risk. And acknowledging that to yourself doesn’t stop the longing for those things. It doesn’t make the pain go away.

Example – a significant part of me deeply […]

my ambition is shot,
and my focus on arranging things is also shot.

okay, so I got a yes, BUT

it’s dependant on what my last post remembers about me

and my anxiety goes into OVERDRIVE

right, so here’s what’s going on. I got a heads up email earlier today, 3 PM “Are you still interested in the position”

to which I replied that I was

and they said that they needed the names of my previous supervisor and district director. And maybe that sounds like a perfectly okay thing, and not like a sample of my liver when I had a shot of suspect whiskey last night….

but, my last post didn’t end well guys. Essentially I was backed into a corner and […]

oh, im just loving it. i can’t wait to meet my end. nothing can be fixed anymore. it’s time for it to all go to shit. i’ve always wanted this. excited as hell to take it all down with me.

Okay well here goes. To whoever is reading. I’m not okay. Not at all. Not right now. Probably won’t be when I wake up. Probably won’t be some days from now. Depends where i am, who’s with me and what’s in me. I can’t do normal people stuff anymore. I can’t do small talk comfortably. I’d rather sit on my own where no one can see me, no one knows where I am so I don’t have to face any questions. Why are you quiet today? Are you okay? Why do you look like that? Why? Why? Why. makes me feel bad for him. He […]

Dear Death,

You don’t care about just, you don’t care about fair,
You take everyone, the good, the bad, the old but also young in fair share,
So why not just take me?
Come near me, come at me, come take me – why should that not be?

Fear of you has controlled me far too long
But now this feeling is done,
Drowned out by the pain of
Existing in this dump, just shove
Me into the void.
No pain, no more being around toyed.
Just nothing,
Non-becoming.

Death, you don’t mind,
whose soul to spare and whose to unwind.
So why not just take one,
That […]