that I’m in this situation. I never wanted to move to x state to begin with. Never wanted to move in with mother bc she’s fucking crazy. But nooo, everyone wanted me to move in, and me stupidly wasn’t aware at how crappy and awful the conditions in the house were. And then I got convinced to move into the “studio” where it’ll be “renovated.” pffft. The place is still a dump. What got renovated was done a shit job by the contractor. And what wasn’t renovated was the other half and it’s all rotten old wood […]

Some of you may remember me from around 2018, I posted a lot about how intensely I was trying to end things. Some years after that I posted about how everything got better and how I’m great now.

Well, those good things that happened are over now and I’m right back here where I started.

So hi everyone

It’s been a decent week for once. (I took this picture a suicide attempt ago.) I drank SN and just kept watching the sky change colors. I don’t feel as hopeless now. It’s just, a lot of effort throwing the bottle away. Like I’ll need it or something. it’s hard letting go…I’m supposed to start somewhere. I’m keeping it for now

What shows are there that are good to watch? Ones where they show really messed up people, like hoarders, my 600lb life, etc. Like what shows that are actually interesting to watch?

perhaps i should just give up. just let it all consume me until death inevitably comes. stop trying. cut everybody off. stop making the effort to get out of bed. maybe…maybe that’s the route i should go. easier way, i guess. no matter which way i go, i’ll just feel like an awful burden to everyone. that’s what i am, i think. maybe im crazy, or delusional, or plain stupid. i dont know anymore. i cant imagine these feelings ever going away. and if certain people are just going to be absent for this long in my life then i just dont see the point.

to […]

I don’t have people who understand me or my problems. I don’t have solutions. People are torturing my mind. It’s very unpleasant. I want to escape.

Then, after months of going on my own, I went back to the therapist, and then the doctor, in two days….

I’ve successfully shaken off lithium. The taper that worked was x/1/x/2/x/3/x/4/x, with x representing a normal dose, the numbers representing the days without…. and it was hard, brutal, and I probably wouldn’t have made it if a couple times family was pushing me and I said; “It’s either the taper or what you are asking, is what you are asking more important than me getting off lithium?” The answer was always the taper, to the credit of my friends and family.

even as slow as my […]

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~2min

“As a psychologist, People come to you with mental illnesses and that’s almost never true. People come to you because their lives are so damn complicated they cannot stay on top of them in any way that doesn’t make it look like it’s just going to get more complicated. And so then that causes symptoms.”

Exactly. Mental “illness” is what we get labeled for having a perfectly NORMAL response to a SHIT LIFE. While there are people with true mental illness, most of us just have shit lives. Improve our conditions and our “illness” goes away. And if it […]

If I could time travel, both forwards and backwards, my life would be so different. I could go back and not do some things that lead me here, I could go forward and see what changes would actually have made a positive difference. Granted, everything is moot if EVERYONE could also time travel, but shit, if I could go back in time and not have made the decisions that lead me to this predicament…

I’m so sick of everyone assuming I’m a liar about anything and everything. My mom called me a liar today because I paused before answering her. I told her it makes me upset when she does that but she grew agitated and just said “alright, whatever.” like always. It’s always been like this. When I was younger and would tell her I loved her, 50% of the time she told me she didn’t believe me or […]

My asshole neighbor paired his device to MY bluetooth speaker- it’s a cheap $10 speaker so there’s no way i know how to reset the wifi settings on the speaker itself. and don’t think there’s a way you can on a basic cheap wireless speaker. It’s got an on/off button and that’s it. It doesn’t even have a +/-I don’t want to get a new speaker as I like this one bc it’s really cute and small. And if i get a new wireless speaker, he’ll just hack into that one.

-How was he able to pair the wireless speaker to HIS […]

And when you fiiiinally muster up the courage/energy, then you go in all ADHD without all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed -_-

how do i even live with myself? why am i like this…

everything hurts so bad and all i want to do is die, and all i ever do is make life harder for everyone… im disgusted with myself… i feel like im sinking into mud while being stabbed and crushed over and over and over in my mind… it hurts so much i cant keep doing this anymore… i wake up crying… fall asleep crying… quickly breaking apart and dying inside and nobody sees, no one sees… but they shouldn’t see… if anyone ever does i get so deeply ashamed and everything gets worse… everything […]

I was planning things out the other day ~ where to get the supplies, make sure the bed is covered in something fluid-repellent, figure out how to delay the sending of an email, ensure no first responders are harmed ~ and then I thought, “Shit. You’re 59 and not in great shape. You’ve got a few years left, maybe. It’s almost ridiculous at this point. Just have your heart attack and don’t traumatize your kid and piss off your friends.”

A dark, mucky, thick sea of thoughts. Just let me sleep and go away. Please.

I think about all the times I probably made things so much worse for him. Mentally. Guilt eats away at me and it’s my own fault. My fault, my fault, per usual.

I contacted some old friends to thank them for everything they’ve done/likely goodbye forever. One of them called knowing something was up. I was sobbing the moment I woke up and it was nice to hear from her and the other friend again. They asked me about god. I don’t know how I feel about it/have issues with the religion […]

I’ve been marinating on this for a week, because of pushback I’ve gotten here, and elsewhere. Yet again, my feelings and attitudes are offensive to those I profess to care about. There’s something in it that’s just being counter cultural, when the world appears to me optimistic, I can’t trust it, I become pessimistic…. but the reverse holds as well, when the world feels doomed, I feel pretty good about where my life is going.

It’s not being out of touch, because it happens in fact in reaction to my perception. Part of it is social, when the world is going to heck plenty of people […]

All they do is help me, and I can’t help but constantly get angry.
I’m looking for work, but I’m not trying hard enough to find a job, or a career.
I’m a fat slob who isn’t losing weight, so I’m not trying on that.
I literally have a month and then regardless of what happens, I’m leaving my current job. I’m sick and tired of the current job I have, it’s driving me mad.
A lot of things are driving me crazy.
I don’t have any certifications that matter, I haven’t found the start I need for the career path I’ve been studying for […]