Hello! I’m writing this in order to get some help, and be sure that i’ve made the right decision.
I wrote this to another person on another website:Â <<<Â I feel the same as you do/did “Every day I wake up feeling terrible! I don’t want to die,i just don’t want to live like this.” and i felt it since i was your age 17/18 and then i was dreaming about killing myself but i talked to others and i was to weak to take my own life so i said that i’ll wait, that things will get better, two years have passed and i had a big car accident – totally wrecked the car – i wasn’t thinking about suicide, it was in my subconscious though, after that 11 years have passed – total of 13 years and my life hasn’t got any better, i went, as most of the others will tell you, to a counselor/psichiatrist 5 years, so i am at peace that i’ve done my part, studied the problem, done “my homework”, but still something in me isn’t there so i can have a life like all the beautiful (i’m ugly, i know!) good and productive people! (I know i’m also stupid, imature, and because of that, or because this is the way society is, people relate to me from a superior standpoint. )
Have you noticed how, let’s say at the supermarket, the sellers will smile and act in a nice manner to a beautifull person, and be cruel and treat an ugly person, like me, like with a piece of garbage? I once heard, in a documentary, a theory, that ugly people should be given some handicap “license” like a disabled person. The rich get richer, the poor ger pourer!)
I was born this way, there are in the world people with disabilities (eg born without legs or eyesight), and i’m more and more aware, more like when others look at me and when i look at the others, i’m more aware of how ugly i am! And with aging, i will become uglier! Everyone does!
So, i have experience with encouragements like “You’ll wake up and be happy. Really. It’ll come. It’s in your future.” when in my future? oh, along in this 13 years, have been happy days and moments but in theese 13 years there have been weeks, months of agony and sadness, so if i’ll take the “in the future” advice i’ll wait what? 20? 30? years i’m now 30 and i’ll be 60-70 and nothing good will happen, it didn’t in 13 years! what more do i want, it’s obvious! So i will advice you to take the matter into your own hands, and think about yourself and not your family and friends, and as they say “be a productive member of society” – what? do you live for them? i know that this society is still slave based but we do have the option to resign, as a worker quits his job!
How much did we offer to “the society” and what did they give back? I look in a positive/liking way to a beautiful female, i give that, she feels more beautifull, and she goes further feeling better, feeling beautiful, to her husband, or she’ll be picked up by an alpha male or a beautiful guy, and later in the day or in life i’ll see her with another man! How is this right? Won’t it be better to not look at anyone in a positive way, so I don’t give them anything because it doesn’t come back?
I give, spend money because they come back and have them to be given, but if i only spend, and not replenish my wallet, it will be empty! Mine has been empty for 10 years! Oh, I did find some pennies on the “streets asfalt”, but only pennies, which they only made me make a wish eg. “Please God, I beg you!, be kind and let it be that this penny will turn out to be the mult-billion euro bank account that I want!” and sometimes, when i got home and searched my pocket to find the lucky penny, i found out that it wasn’t a penny, not even a piece of shiny metal, but a barren and desolate piece of rock! (projections, eg. some feamale which i liked v. much, liked me also to be together, and to find out that i was only overlaying my desires. ok, everyone gets fooled sometimes, by this projection, but what do you do when you find out that every time you believed that the otherone really likes you, it was only a projection?)
That piece of rock needs to be thrown away in the car’s window of that man with the beautifull girl next to him in that amazing Ferarri! Looking back at us in an ugly, superior manner! Giving us fists in the mouth because they are superior to us. This is not right! for us, it’s good for them! Some guys have all the luck! What do I, do we have? Bitterness and sorrow, and relizing that i’m garbage? You throw away garbage! It’s said that people are or should be equal! How is equal that man which is famined and searching in the dumpsters for food, equal to that man in the Ferarri? Maybe only in the face of God, which is either a psychopath and enjoys torturing people, starvation is a form of torture especially when 2meters away you see the most mouth watering plate of food, or He doesn’t have the power, he’s powerless, hopeless, he’s not the one we are lead to believe and to put our faith in.
So, i’m in a process of finding that toughness to end my life, and i plan to do it as soon as possible, when i will have the money to do it as thay say “with a big smile on my face”, and my method will be of oxygen starvation/hypoxia eg. going at high altitude where there isn’t enough oxygen, a hyperbaric chamber. I have heard and i’ve seen that those people really die almost euforic, like in a dream/rem sleep, and it’s really quick, something like 2 minutes untill you will not be aware what you’re doing or don’t really care. It’s almost the same as axfixiation but you will be able to breathe, so no panic, no agony! It’a for the weak i know, but hey, i’m a v weak person. And talking about beeing a weak person, there will be persons who will say that taking my life means that i’m weak, i know I am, but just hypothetical do you have the power to end your own? I will need, 1000 times more the power to do it, psychic/soul/person kinda power, than let’s say many other every day-to-day activities. Think of the way a samurai ends his life by doing sepukku/harakiri! How much force/power does that guy have when doing this! And when the pain gets to hard to endure they have a backup, a man with a sword who cuts their heads! So, by doing it, in my own way I will proove to myself that I am able to do something good, verry selfish, for me, my future, myself!Â P.S. I will give this life and the world around me another chance to proove itself, that i can stay and be happy, untill i will have the means necessary and the power to do it! Looking forward to see you on the other side, and others alike! If, of course, there is that…thing, or it was created as a fantasy for us, the weak ones to believe in (some will say things to make us believe, but… is there and hard evidence? real hard evidence, not books. Maybe in 1000years those people will believe Harry Potter was a real person with those skills….LOL) and not to kill ourselves and be “productive members of society” eg. slaves! Have a nice and peacefull death! >>>
Now, after i posted it, i have doubts, as i have in my life also, about having done the right thing. I’ve read some webpages on which people encourage living this life and discouraging suicide. I think i’ve encouraged that person to commit suicide, also, if she’s thinking, not in a real manner about death, and ifÂ she is a wothly/ has all the “fetures” of a successfullÂ personÂ i think i’ve given her some ideas from which she can draw why not to kill herself. eg. if she’s a beautifull female and guys like/love her, that’s one v. heavyÂ reason to live her life happy. But then, if she’s like me an ugly person, i think i’ve spared her of the suffering and agony that will come.
I’ve taken the decision to end my life, i have planned it, been planning for some time, but i see myself procrastinating it, and have doubts about doing it, and i’m not 99% sure – 100% will never be, i think/ i hope i am at ~ 75% yes i want to do it, and 25% no, just a little bit longer, maybe tomorrow (i will win the lottery as they say), maybe the day after tomorrow, and so my life goes on and on and on, and i can go on like this, no problem, have been going like this for the past 13 years, but…Â I am sure that in the future when i’ll look back at my life in the past I will get verry angry and sad because i continued along like the sheep in the herd! I’m doing it right now, looking back at my past life i know that all of it has been for nothing , the present shows it, the present confirms it!
Ok, i’m looking for advice, info about how to manage it, eg. people say that when a person has suicidal thoughts should talk to a psychologist, which i’ve done, but can anyone cure ugliness? oh, yes, there is plastic surgery, but somehow i’m not sure about it, mainly because it’s sooo expensive and i don’t have the money. If it would cost let’s say 500euros, like a new gadget, maybe it’ll work, but then, it’s my life i’m talking about and that’s important, huh, this is a new ideea which i will pursue, before the big finalle!
Oh, and theese kind of ideeas, turn me around, like hey, i haven’t tried that yet, let’s give it a go, and i go and do it and if it doesn’t work i come back feeling twice as angry and twice as motivated to kill me, to kill this ugly bastard piece of… which is my body and my brain and myself.
Maybe that’s it, that’s the buildup i need to do it, i’m sure that, every theory every new ideea which i’ve tried andÂ pursued and didn’t work gave me that much confidence and power to do it.
So, one way or the other, this will work! Btw, I will NOT kill myself, like others do, like in a moment of despair and agony to slit my wrists and/or take all the pills in my house. No, I want to be sure and knowing what i’m about to do and embrace death as my salvation, and least but not last be the happiest in my life, just before the end! Story with a happy-ending huh?! Almost all the stories in my life have had a sad, ugly, tearfull,Â ending, and wishing that i should have thought about it and not folowed my stupid whish i hadn’t one, wish it will stop dead in the middle of next beating, worthless piece of garbage heart! I know that the heart is just a “fist” of muscle and blood and really is my brain, which it did clog my life with desires and likes and with greatest pleasure (even from something as trivial/banal as someone smiling), it’s payback time! He clogged me and i will un-clogg it – clearance/opening, by taking away all the oxygen that it needs to function/survive!
P.S. English is not my natal language,Â Â so i apologise for all theÂ mispelling and forÂ all other grammar and/or otherwise mistakes!