So I here I am with my first post. I’m 40 years old and think constantly of killing myself. I’m always in pain- it’s either depression, anxiety or both. I look forward to bedtime, it’s my favorite time of the day. Blessed sleep. I lost my job as a medical assistant over a year ago. I worked in neurology. I was proud of that career. I was fired. Lost too much work due to mental illness. Now I’ve tried several menial jobs and walked out on all of them. I couldn’t take them. Constant anxiety gnawing at me. Every waking moment is torture. One thing […]
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about myself
I don’t even know if I like being alone or not. Sometimes I want a friend, but other times I remember how impossible that is for me. Maybe I just want someone to talk to. That’s probably why I’m posting on this site, anyway. I don’t like feeling alone. I know that much about myself. I kind of feel like I’m walking on my own plane of existence, and nobody else can even see me. Like my world and the world everyone else lives in overlaps like a one-way mirror. I can see everyone else and know they’re there, but they can’t do that for me.
Whatever, […]
I have become increasingly withdrawn from people in the last few months and in doing so I have improved my physical health and acquired new hobbies of reading and piano, which I neglected for a long time. I’m in college now, but I was wrapped up in a materialistic/superficial mindset ever since middle school and I feel like I’m just starting to get to know myself again. So I feel good about these growing aspects of myself but am constantly plagued by guilt of questioning whether I’m an “evil” or bad person…I know these can be symptoms of depression. I don’t feel that I can […]
I am 45 years old; I gather that I have thought about ending my life since the age of about nine. Never mind that most “normal” kids never think about killing themselves ever. To ponder suicide on a regular basis since you were in grade school seems a burden that no God should place on a person.
I have no will to accomplish anything. I feel very little except disgust about myself. Counseling rarely helps; I am such a people-pleaser that I seek to say whatever I think will make my counselor feel he/she has done a good job for the day. That’s jacked up, I […]
Can I stop hurting? Feeling like a shitty human being? Because I don’t live life in the most absolutely best way possible. I don’t want to believe in GOD because I don’t want to feel like shit about myself every single day. Because I sin and I don’t want to change that, and I don’t want to hate myself for not wanting to change it. But either way it goes the truth is I don’t accept myself and I put myself down because the things I do and enjoy are sins. Cursing, drinking, smoking, disliking people, pre marital sex, all these trivial things. Why can’t […]
So Friday a teacher that I talk to, told me that she wants me to help her in building my self esteem. I don’t know what to do. I’m so use to feeling down and taking pain pills and cutting myself, I don’t know if I can change or if I’m even WILLING to change. I told her I wasn’t willing to try and she told me to think about it and tell her my answer Monday. I don’t want to hurt her, when we finished our conversation Friday she walked away wiping her eyes. I know how much she loves and cares about me […]
it seems lately there’s been alot of angst on this site….i think it can be theraputic for some people to take their anger out on ppl they dont know…..so here’s a few things i hate about myself, for obvious reasons;
1. i’m a fatist…i dont like really fat people, like 400lbs or over….i only weigh 95-100lbs bc my depression gives me a total lack of appetite, so i cant understand why people can let themselves go like that….i know it’s wrong of me to think this way, but i do…….
2. sometimes i lie to my family members for money to spend on things that are unhealthy […]
Its been approximately a year since I’ve posted .In that time I’ve had alot of time to think and reflect.I’ve discovered alot about myself.as all of.you dont know I despise myself.I hate myself.I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see.im only ever good for hurting other people.thinking back to when everything first began for me I already knew that all thats happened to me up until now was gonna happen.you see everyone follows their own paths in life.some not always good.you decide what path,journey,what road you will walk.me?I chose this path knowing that I’d end up alone.I knew that I’d come to […]
i hate the bad thoughts i have about myself.I mean,i know i have a wonderful life.I Have very worried and caring parents and frinds,my family is wealthy,i dont have any health problems etcetera.but I can’t stop thinking that i am too dumb to go to med school,that i am to damm uggly to be interesting, that i lack social skills compared to my frinds,that i dont make my parents proud and that i am to selfish.I think it is why i want to become a doctor,so it would help me stop worring with such ridiculous shit compared with real people’s problems.i just […]
I’ve always wanted to kill myself, ever since I was like 14. I never really got to try till I was 18. I was never happy with myself. I always failed at everything and I was sick of it. I’m tired of being treated like nothing, feeling worthless, feeling like I do not matter. My ex girlfriend made me feel so much better about myself till she cheated on me in the worst way possible and only made everything worse. I found myself back where I was. Surrounded by 4 walls, looking for anything to hurt myself with but pills wont work anymore. I don’t […]
I don’t know how to feel about myself right now. I have been doing so many wrong things, just so I don’t feel bad. Just so at the end I feel worse. Too many parties, to many guys… Not so much shots. I feel so lost.
Who am I?
The only question I’ve never been able to answer.
Even as a small girl I never really knew who i was.
As if I’ve been living a lie for so long that I can no longer recognize the real me from what I’ve become.
When i think about the fact that I’ve never told anyone everything about me, I realize that I don’t even know everything about myself.
But how is that possible?
Why can’t I remember everything?
Why do I not know myself?
Hey..
Did you know that I cried myself to sleep last night?
Did you know that I sit alone in class?
Did you know that my friends talk behind my back?
Did you know that I fake a smile?
Did you know that I lie when I say I’m alright?
Hey… Hey, mom..
Did you know that thoughts of suicide became an ordinary thing for me?
Did you know that it hurt when you called me fat?
Did you know what I go through at school?
Did you know how much it hurts when I don’t get a higher mark in my tests, and to see the disappointment on everyone’s faces when I fail their […]
Hello
I met someone few months ago and she was a perfect woman then I found that I love her and I knew that she likes me alittle so I want to tell her something about myself and my life and my problems but I’m afraid of her respond and…
one time many years ago I trusted someone and she wasn’t so… Do you know after that I cannot trust anyone but I need to talk with someone
can you write something?a suggestion and a comment it’s not important what.
please help me.I should tell her?
Life is messed up that has been pretty obvious to me, yet I still find myself hurt about it. I don’t know why I hope why I even care? I’m slowly shutting down, I care less and less about any and everything.This year has been the worst of my life thus far, I’ve lost so much and there is this aching pain inside. I lost family and friends and a significant other all in a matter of months back to back. There is literally nothing left in me not a damn thing I wouldn’t care if my own family died if what little friends I […]
my dad and i got in a fight last night about my Spanish grade. i told him keeping my grades up is hard because i get stressed. he yelled at me for having a low tolerance for stress. he said to me back when i was a kid i can handle all you go through and more. but he never had to go through what i do. feeling worthless and stressed all the time, being picked on for being different, getting yelled at every night by a drunken asshole because he wants me to feel bad about myself. i used to like myself when i […]
You know, it seriously takes alot time and courage for someone who’s really shy and and the loner type to actually post anything. Alot of times I just press cancle on a full page post, so feedback would be nice. Also a comment to other posts that have no replies wouldn’t hurt either.
This is my first post, so let me start off by saying, yes I am quite uh ‘suicidal’ and I have no idea what I’m doing here, or why I’m posting my personal thoughts here. I’ll post a bit about myself later because noone wants to read another 100 paragraphs of another […]
Im 24 and have decided that I cannot any longer liVe my life.
My probkems started years ago..my parents were both very neglecting, Â and favoured drinking over their children regularly.
I was beaten by my dad until I was 18
Me and my mother have always been strangers…she just dosent like me
I was for all that reasonably popular un school but I have been battling severe insecurities about myself since 14
I found love 5 years ago this week
But the relationship is non existent and my girlfriend is only using me for money before she finishes with me for someone else
She didn’t even want to see me for our […]
Life has always pushed me right to the edge and sometimes over the edge but just enough to let me cling. It’s hard its exhausting I have given up and sometimes still want to. I don’t really love myself or care about myself, I just try to make decisions with my best interest or to my benefit I guess. But I’m empty and inside me is a pain so great that everyday lately it’s a battle to try to keep it boxed up. It sucks to be this way to be aware of the pain your hiding and feel numb to not care if you […]
It’s not sadness I feel. I don’t even feel anger, nor do I feel numb. I feel empty. I am devoid of a soul.
The Jews say a soul is what makes us special. It is what separates us from the lifeless tools we use. I feel like God forgot to put my soul in me when he made me, leaving me a tool to be used. I feel like the Golem when he no longer had a purpose.
I don’t often think about myself in the terms of Jewish faith. My father is Jewish, not I. It’s the only way I can describe it though. […]