In the 23rd of August, 2013; I made my very first post on this website entitled Forgotten. The post was about how I had been dealing with depression due to relocation, loneliness, a growing anti-social behavior, and the loss of many friends in my hometown. I moved quite far from my home and lost many friends and dealt with depression for the past couple years. Now I have just been given news that I might have to relocate once again… to my hometown. At first I didn’t take my mother serious and said, “I would love to move back! Moving back wouldn’t be a problem!” […]
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I don’t think I ever said exactly what it was that landed me back here– don’t worry, for once I’ll be brief. There isn’t much to say.
Last year was quite frankly the worst period of time I’ve ever had to suffer through in my short, miserable life, from New Year’s day all the way through to the end of December.
This year, since its very start, has been nothing short of completely calm.
Nothing terrible has happened.
Nothing new. Nothing even especially distressing.
And yet here I am.
Still.
I can’t recall having ever hated myself or my existence among the living as much as I do currently, and this […]
My mother is a lesbian. She hasn’t come out to me or my older sister yet in years. She and my father have been divorced for over 10 years. It’s a secret that I dispise having. She puts it in our faces that she’s gay and has and has had girlfriends. Recently I’ve been really depressed and she’s been putting it in my face that I’m wrong and that I’m her most problematic child. My sister is 7 years older than me. I am 19 and she is 26. She is living at home and has been living at home ever since she back from […]
I couldnt do it again. Its gotten so bad i would pay for somone to kill me if i could. I dont want to live… But i dont want to die. P.Y is the only person stoping me and im losing her. Theres nothing for me anymore. I just want you back. I love you.
– Connor
It’s been quite some time since I last posted here. Life was difficult (and in many ways still is) when I was a regular contributor. A quick recap: chronic pain/back injury, constant struggle to get necessary medications to manage said pain to maintain something akin to a “normal” life, got destroyed in the housing market collapse – lost two houses, and child support enforcement that seems to think I a gazillionaire when I can barely afford to eat – never mind that all “children” are adults.
There’s a plethora of other smaller issues that contribute, and some of those listed above – particularly the child support […]
I just dont want to ruin her agian but i cant get her out of my mind.
by - Connor
written by - Connor
I have been suicidal for 5 years now. I have tryed to stop throught the years. The happyist thisng happend to me when i got a new girlfriend. I loved her. I still do. She still tells me she loves me. But im not sure of that anymore. Ok… At the start of our relationship things were going good everything was ok. I was finaly happy. But as the months went on i started to feel like killing myself again… I tryed it… But she stoped me forcing me to through up the pills that i had swollowed. After that she got me seeing two […]
The one you would take a bullet for is usually the one behind the gun
by thatemokid
written by thatemokid
Been going good for 6 months now. That i when i started going out with my girlfriend. I was finally happy and felt blessed to have her. The last 2 weeks have been horrible between us. We actually broke up 3 days ago but got back together the next day. I felt like i could fix this. Felt like she was trying as hard as me to fix it. We were ok for a day and a half. Then i got a hold of her phone and went through it a bit. I found that one of her new friends was upset with her for […]
For the first time in a long time I’ve thought about killing myself. It’s strange, because I don’t feel the same despair I used to feel, the anguish and hopelessness that came with my suicidal… “Fits”. But the thought is there, pushing at the back of my mind, drilling its way to the centre of my attention. Just a few hours and freedom is ours. I can’t believe it’s happening again…
I just got out of the hospital about a day ago and I find myself here at about 2:15 am sitting in the living room in a some what odd position in quite a significant amount of pain. 6 days ago, after having a rather unproductive and uneventful day, I ended up getting into an argument with my 17 and a half year old son over the fact that I hI have been sober for 3 years and about 5 months or so however back in February when I was tired of being accused of drinking when I wasn’t and being accused of being […]
Sometimes.. I’m just ready to see my last breath fade into the cold air.. And watch as the darkness says it’s goodbyes.. And welcome the happiness that sometimes seems to afraid to constantly stay.. Because I’d be in the happiest place for my happiness to feel safe.. Safe to stay with me. The darkness won’t be there to scare it away and won’t stop me from holding my happiness back. I’ll never have to see the darkness again.. Ever again. I’ll be in my own world.. My own world with my own happiness..
someone please wake me up
im still dreaming
I’m generally bored and disgusted with life. I don’t like the way that I live (which I could change, but not much within grasp), and the way others live (which I admittedly have no right to change), in constant monotony. I’ve known I was going to kill myself for a couple years now, but finally took some initiative in January. I took a few milligrams of Xanax, got in a bath, and tried to cut my wrists and neck. Needless to say, it didn’t work, and I was sent to the hospital for a week, on self-harm watch. Worst week of my life, I had […]
But you’re just like every sorry fuck’n **** I’ve ever met! Yeah that’s right…all your friends warned you about me but you had to be curious. .you just had to find out for yourself and what did you get?
You sit there and play on my every insecurity but HAA.. guess what? They’ve been there longer than you and they will always be mine! Just like you will always be mine… HEY!! Are you listening?? Fuck you..don’t walk away from me!!
You want to talk about things that are a dime a dozen.. well I’m 3 down in a row of 56.5 minus this shit […]
It’s Sunday and I am desperately in need of some hope…. I feel that I am coming dangerously closer and closer to the edge. I recently have been ruled physically disabled and unable to work due to an stomach illness that causes me to regurgitate most to all my meals. I have been diagnosed with this illness for the last four years. Doctors have no way of effectively treating my illness, so the possibility of improvement is bleak at best. At 18 I was declared mentally disabled due to several mental health diagnosis. After being on disability for 6 years and refusing to go to treatment […]
Over ten years and counting.. I have never felt this calm before. Like a world has dropped off my shoulders.
Everything is ready. I have my method, I have my location, I have my suicide note. I have my courage and the means to an end. Nothing holds me back or opposes me.
The serenity of it all is overwhelming. Finally this torture ends
Thanks for the stories and reading mine way back when.
Good bye
Lately I’ve been losing my cool with people more and more.
Past few days has been nothing but conflict with people I know as well as strangers. I lost my job back in February because I simply have no patience with anyone. Starting to think I’ve reached that point where I might not be able to work well with others at all.
People just make me so mad.. and i can’t seem to hold back my anger.
I’m currently trying to get free medical insurance so that I can see a doctor, get a cat scan and blood tests as well as seek behavioral therapy […]
I write stories to cope with depression and suicidal feelings (see my post “dream”). Here’s one of them.
Some days it’s bleak. It’s hopeless, and hurting, and she can’t erase that numbing, painful, hard-to-swallow ache in her chest. And on other days she’s bright and shining and happy.
No one believes her.
Sometimes she doesn’t even believe herself.
“How can she be depressed,” people say, “when she’s so happy all the time?”
How can she be suicidal when she wears her beautifully crafted mask?
She remembered how people reacted when she was first admitted for a psych consult. There had been outrage from her family, who didn’t believe it for a […]
I love her I need her so much she’s my everything and she left. I can’t get her back and I now I have no purpose. She stitched this broken man back together and then tore out the staples leaving me more broken than before but I need her so badly
Not usually too into country type stuff, but I’ve been playing a bit of guitar myself again recently and this one struck me. Struck a chord, you could say. Actually I’ve been gaining a new appreciation for country/blues stuff in general recently. Just a matter of separating the good from the overly generic.
Something Salt said recently reminded me that I rarely actually post on here, just comment for the most part. So I decided to put some music on and type out a post. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about…well, the general insanity of the world, particularly the blended up mix of good […]
I don’t know why I have waited so long, and struggled so long to try to reclaim a life and a family that I will never get back. Three adult children who all hate me – none has spoken to me in a while. They say it is because they hate my husband of 22 years, but when I said I wanted to leave him – no one came forward to offer help, or a place to live. I have a monthly disability check, but I am afraid to just walk out. If I do, I loose everything, so I have […]
I dont know what my life has come to. I wake up every morning and struggle to find the strength to get up. The emotions just overwhelm me, i used to just be able to push it to the back of my mind but now i can hardly make it through the day without falling apart. I cry myself to sleep every night and I cut too. Its like my whole world is falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it. I seem to be pushing everyone away but i cant help it. Im not living for myself anymore im doing for my […]