I keep bouncing back and forth on what to think of you. I want to see you for the person you really are. How you avoided me and just walked away when you saw me, how you didn’t come in to pick me up from the police station, how when I pushed you away physically when we were having sex and obviously was uncomfortable, but you kept going, and finally rolled over annoyed, sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, how you probably had sex with other girls while you were doing “business” and crawled back into my bed every single night. The thought of […]
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I wish she could tell me that I can die id die a million deaths for her that statement would be met quickly with my death then she could go on with her horrible boyfriend and have a family I’d stop hurting and annoying people my thoughts and actions are unforgivable even if she left him my future with her wouldn’t be good enough I’d hold her back all I ever wanted in my life was the marines to die in battle she changed that but I’m not certified for shit I have no intention going to college I’ll just hold her back she deserves […]
Hi, it’s Astley. So on friday, I walked into parents room and my dad says “You’re wearing long sleeves” and gave me a look. I sat down on the bed and my three year old brother leans over and said “Let me see” I pulled up the sleeve with my cuts on it and he looked at me and said “Now the right side” so I showed him (no cuts on the right side) and he said “good job” then went back to teen titans…
I’ve been depressed for a while, and it’s been an up and down thing. Lately, I’ve been extremely stressed, and I’ve been on edge,. My boyfriend is depressive and schizophrenic and has been on edge along with most of the people in my environment. Long story short, after a few sequences of inconvenient events, I’ve decided I want to kill myself. And not in a sporatic depressive episode, but in a more organized form. The only thing holding me back is that I was told that If I killed myself, my other would too and I couldn’t stand that. Although it on occasion becomes my […]
I have done many substances in my short 22 years on this planet , overdosing several time. From coke to pills , but by far the easiest was heroin.
my friend shot me with a huge dose and I immediatley lost all connection with reality. I could not feel my body I could hardly see , I couldn’t hear or taste . My senses were literally taken from in an instant. You would think this sensation would he scary but thankfully I remained somewhat oblivious to my state. Looking at the panicked expression on my friends faces. My conscious was pushed to the back of my […]
I can’t cope with this anymore. Everythings falling apart. Nobody cares about me and the only person that does, the girl I love with all my heart doesn’t anymore either. I’m a wreck. I break down, I get so angry, I cry, I can’t sleep and it happens everyday. I want to end my life so bad. Nobody will care that I’m gone. It will end all the pain I’ve put on people and they wont have to stress about me anymore. I have a plan. I’m going to write a suicide not explaining everything, I’m going to sneak out when everyone is asleep then […]
For the first time in a long time, my anxiety is back. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I’ve felt like I can’t breathe for the past two days. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
I felt better for a while and then it rushes back. Like a long lost lover with a toxic relationship. A battered person unable to leave the relationship with the abusive partner. I struggle to breath tonight as suicides embrace becomes stronger. I want to let go, give myself over to these strong clutches. I am exhausted living in denial. Seeing through the fog unknown memories. Struggling with childhoods demons.
Three times. Three failures. Twice. I will explain.
This is not only the third time I have raised a loaded gun to my head. It is also the third time in the last 3 weeks that I was ready only to back out.
First things first.
The first time, back in June 2012, it was purely impulsive. No plan, no thinking. I was faced with an impossible choice. Either give her up or give up everything else. This will be the common theme in my suicidal journey. Someone trying to take her away from me. Obviously I chose her.
The second time, January of this […]
how do you care or support for someone who asks for your help but then treats you like crap? Especially if that person is family. You can’t talk back to your parents or speak up for yourself because the world has tauught you since you were a kid to not talk back to ‘authority’ or ‘elders’ or ‘parents’ or ‘carers’. Then there are people who teach you that you should speak up for yourself, tell them what your thoughts or idea or opinion is….when you finally do it, it just seems to go the other way and you give up….stop trying, not bother, be pushed […]
Why do people have to be so heart less this is the second post i have put on hers and i really dont know why im telling everyone my problens because i hate taliking to people my x left me back in September because i wasnt the person i used to be after i got hurt and i found she had been cheating on me for awhile and im in constant pain i live on pain killers and other meds for my heart rate and blood pressure they say its because of the pain and i admit im not the same person im tirectired all […]
Well It looks like I’m all alone once again in my dorm room tonight.. Worse part is I walked down to the lobby of my dormitory and saw a big group of my friends playing a card with a group of guys. Said hi and they said hi back the rest just look at me awkwardly and do I say anything no. Thinking about reopening some old scars on my thighs with one of the spare razor blades in my dresser drawer to cover the pain for a while and just move on…. Much better then break down crying and maybe get some sleep.
So what […]
My cat is my best friend and my mother, my children are awesome but live with their mom, big accomplishment from a 37 year old male! Been completely alone for a few days and have spent much time pondering the remainder of my crippled life. I survived a motorcycle accident in 2011, have T.B.I. that has affected motor skills on my right side. I can go on about how drastically my life has changed in what seems a blink of an eye but who really gives a fuck! I do not want this existence, I’m %100 cognitive, very intelligent but everyday I stare down the […]
So, does the question remain
Ah, sweet melody
I need to study, to talk about my life
So we can put the puzzle together
The daredevil night, my heart sinks at the bottom
I will do that needs to be done
To maybe someday, you’ll see
Falling down to be
My heart sinks to the bottom
Like the raining sky
I will go far away, and bring everything back
The music is not over
Permaculture
Little brother and Minotaur
And my best friend, his name, is Mecton
And he’s got two Pythons and likes candy and he’s my homie
Walking back together, thrashed by the […]
Here is what I dreamed last night, unedited, unabridged (However, I left out the first hour about go, nodejs and perl over at Joel’s house).
Going down for a tour of a nuclear plant. Gary, Joel, Ryan, Ben and Me.. Its a
long way down. Gary decides to take a shortcut in the vehicle we are in. soon
we are flying through the air. More like Mario cart than anything else. Trying
to land back on the road, or so I think. We pass many on-comers, until soon we
look at each other in the back, realizing we are drifting further and further
from the road. […]
I want to do it, just out of spite. Won’t change a thing for him. Maybe a little pity from his family. Good excuse to do some drugs again. He doesn’t hear a fing thing i say, thats if im allowed to talk. Save my life, bring me back for what, to torture me. Homeless isn’t fun. Thats more of an early twenties thing. Florida is hot and people are cruel. I just want somebody to give a sh$t about me.
I really just want one of you dumb fing kids to listen, but no one will. It will happen to you. You aren’t invincible. Rape, […]
Is it worth it to be sad for loving someone who doesn’t love you back?
Is it worth it to hear all about how much she loves that guy, when in reality all you want is for her to love you?
Is it worth it to hear every single day about that guy that she loves so much, just to not lose her friendship?
Is it worth it to be everyday, every hour, at her side, faking to be okay, when in reality you’re in pain?
Is it worth it to keep the fact that I love her so much as a secret so that […]
I thought I’d feel better when you get back.
When you were here I felt like I could do something right.
And when you left it just left me feeling empty
Now that you’re back, I thought I’d have a purpose again
Trying to help you, because I thought it would help me
Trying to figure out ways to make you happy
Of course it wouldn’t be easy.
Definitely one of the hardest things to do is get better
I thought I’d be able to help you get better, but
Even that I can’t do.
You’ll see what I want to be, when you get back […]
I had to change the music, but it’s already all too late. If I were in it’s stability, it would be like writing a book status as I sit. I’ve already said every words. The dungeon that I am battling. But no-one will ever know. The destination . . . isn’t coming back. Attacked, from every which way . . . The name of a dark one makes his name and view down deeper and clearer. The ten-year cycle that my mom told me about, it isn’t over. The hardest thing, it exist now . . . But what is it. This night shall disappear, […]