I was prescribed Ativan for my anxiety, but wen I took it, that shit made me feel so horrible I thought I had relapsed back to day one, before admission to the hospital. So tonight since my urges to cut are bad still, and haven’t subsided at all….my mom suggested I take Xanax which has taken the place of Ativan. More then likely gonna zombify me since I took it with my Seroquel….ugh.
My first time on here so please bare w me. I’m 36, was married at 23 to an emotionally abusive man. After many years of medications, therapy, hospitalization, failed suicide attempt, family pissed, lost most friends, finally left him, was happier than I’d ever been in my life….. Was fine being alone…. Friends came back into my life… Wasn’t looking for anything, enjoying new found freedom…. And then, my dearest friend since I was 18 suddenly back in my life, he saw change in me, gave him hope to get out of equally horrible marriage, we grew much closer and evolved into romantic relationship. […]
My last attempt at “100 days of happiness” is laughable. I got to day two before saying ‘fuck it’, so now I’m back to good old fashioned venting posts.. hence the numbering “four”. I guess I’m not cut out for that gimmicky bullshit. But I get a pat on the back for trying.
So today, it finally dawned on me that I need to lay off the carbs and sugar. I seriously feel like complete shit. Aside from the expected bloating, lack of physical energy, gain of ~6 pounds in the past month, constant breakouts… I’ve been feeling mentally slow, sluggish, lackluster. I woke up at […]
I’ve spent the last 5 years dealing with depression. My mom never tried to help me and it seemed like the only person who cared was my older brother. He was the one who always drove me to therapy and he was the one who took me to the hospital after I tried to kill myself. After I moved away from him to live with my grandmother I couldn’t find anyone who cared. In the last 2 years since I’ve moved I have tried to kill myself 3 times. I realized by the third time there was some reason I was failing and I figured […]
You know, I haven’t had a bad life. Really, in perspective, retrospect, looking back… other people have worse problems than me. What I’m going through.. It’s bearable. You know, you bear it because you have to? But at the same time, it feels like you are going down an endless road of shite and it just keeps going and going like a frikken Duracell battery.
I have a pretty decent set of parents, I love them and I wouldn’t change them for the world – well, besides the fact that they are overweight and I don’t want to lose them before I have children, or even […]
Gee I wonder what it will be like going back to school after an entire summer of no socialization. I theorize that it’s always been this way. Elders say today’s generation have no respect, and teenagers feel like no one understands them, they feel jaded and unique to the crowd. I wonder if I appear to other people as just another bumbling fuckhead, unaware of the inevitable. I think we all just put on fake smiles and think to ourselves how awful and stupid everyone else is. Friends are essentially accepted societal masochism. The only one I hate more then you is myself.
I posted here in May that I had a plan but couldn’t find a way to make everything happen, and it was frustrating beyond words. Shortly after that my on again/off again partner came back into my life and while the constant feeling of not wanting to be here was still there, it was dialed down a bit. He told me a few weeks ago that he is moving to another state to reunite with his wife (he’s been separated for two years), so things got dialed right back up. I got lucky, though, and found a doable plan that has little chance of failing […]
This is a brief story of the past few years of my life nothing to something I guess. I’ve always just put one foot in front of the other I’ve tried a few times and was saved on all occasions I put my family and self through hell then I ran away from home I left everything behind and moved in with my best mate,things were good for awhile but I got into weed which agian not so bad but my best mate sister and her boyfriend did ice on a regular basis so I started that aswell,things went to shit fairly quickly I broke […]
Sometimes I wonder
Is there really a future for me
I look back on all my history
and decide its not to be
Years of pain and struggle and strife
Multiple attempts to end my life
Failure upon failure and disappointment too
Not to mention the drugs and alcohol to boot
But people still say
Every dog has his day
Yet somehow its hard to wait for what may be
When will this day come?
It’s been plenty of moons
since the times I could stay home and watch cartoons
and be content
So much has changed yet so much has not
I feel like I went full circle, […]
I havent drank in a while because it usually ends up very badly for me but tonight, im really needing to just zone out. As I was pulling into my driveway coming back from the liquor store, I saw a wallet in the street. It had a decent amount of cash, some gift cards etc. I could have taken it all and just tossed the wallet in the garbage but, knowing it was the right thing to do, I took it over to the guys house and gave it to him. He was very grateful as most people would be but, unlike how I used […]
It all started with a party/camping trip. I got invited just because I was best friends with one of the “popular” girls. When I got there it was great, I mean there was alcohol and drugs there and I got pressured into drinking and smoking but it was okay for a while. Soon after awhile I was finding myself talking to a boy who I wasn’t really interested in knowing one of the girls (I’ll call her Kayla) there was trying to get with him. With everyone drunk, high, and my flirty personality it looked like I was trying to hook up with him. (Which […]
I am a writer, I write poems, short stories, books, songs, etc. I wrote a poem a while back about suicide and self harm. Everybody says it is very beautiful but the content is bad (suicide anx self harm) anybody want to see it?? I will post it if you want to see it. 🙂
So after about 2 hours of sleep last night, I bolt up wide awake after yet another extremely vivid dreams that I’m sure was chock full of all sorts of metaphors about why I need to die soon. Exhausted, but I know I’m not going back to sleep. I start playing some poker online, won a bit, then lost a bit, so broke even. Feeling a little better about not getting wiped out at poker. But my mind keeps drifting back to my dream. It’s difficult to know if it was a nightmare or not. It’s wasn’t unpleasant. And perhaps that is the nightmare. It […]
I need to sort myself out. I cant keep feeling like this… I just feel so irritable every second of the day. I have tears permanently in my eyes, just sitting here doing nothing angers me. But then I have no choice- weather is crap, friends are busy and I honestly dont want to talk to them. I always feel I have to make the effort with all of them, To be happy because if im not it means either being called miserable or having to explain myself when even I dont know whats happening.
Im so passive.
I just want to go back to college. […]
You know how sometime you wake up thinking for once it might actually be a decent day maybe even a good day. You have that unusual glimmer of hope. I got about 30 seconds of that. Most of my friends would say “its no big deal. So what your mom and her boyfriend got in a fight.” Back when i was little my parents fought all the time you’d think i’d be used to it. Especially the way my dad was. Strong with an uncontrollable temper and a jealous mind. In all honest that just makes it all worse. I wasn’t exactly “planned.” Im the […]
Does anyone ever just want to be a child again. Just being a young little kid worry free and being happy as you were when you were a kid. I would give anything to go back to the days when I was actually happy rather than this depressed guy that cant hold it in anymore that I just want to be gone already.
“Why do you want to die?” They asked before I was forced into therapy. “Was it the deaths in your family? How bout your parents devorce? Or was it being taken away from your parents christmas eve at 7 years old?” Well no. I had finally pushed that back in my mind until it was brought up. Now that was almost 3 year ago and maybe then thats why i wanted to die but now idk why. Maybe the social anxiey and depression ive developed. The worthlesness and pain i feel deep inside because thats all i can cause others. pain. so as i […]
He loves me and can’t live without me–he says. But he won’t listen when I tell him what I need to be happy and to regain trust in him after robbing me while high on crack. I was a codependent until I learned to implement a tough love routine.
He promised he would go to rehab so i sprung him out of jail. And then, he skipped off 3 hrs away blowing off rehab. He insists i cheat on him when he’s the only one. He’s psychotic and the list of guys he accused that I am having sex with just keeps growing. We argue and […]
So I am just done. Done with life, done with daily strife, just done. This morning I went out to my car, ready to start a fresh new day at work. I get there and start my car. Smoke starts pouring out of the front and back of the car and it won’t move. I end up having to call a tow truck to come get my car and calling out of work since I had no car to get into work with. And I had no PTO. So now I am worried about losing my job. I take my car […]
I’m a basic white girl who cuts herself. Or rather, I did. Ever since I got put on zoloft in January after my parents found out I sh’d, my life has steadily improved and I have strengthened my relationships with friends and even my family. I no longer wallow in my own sadness or make suicide plans.
I miss it. I miss being depressed so much. I don’t know why; I never got any special attention while I was down in the dumps and I barely had any friends. I consider myself happiest when I’m unhappy. It’s stupid and ridiculous and feels selfish. But I just […]