When I look forward and try to picture my future I see absolutely nothing. That petrifies me, that feeling of dread catches in my lungs and I don’t know what to do. How do I make it go away? Dear god I need something. The blade is not enough anymore, I love her, I always will, but it’s becoming dull. I fantasise about suicide, the how’s and when’s … pills or hang from a rope or a trip off a ledge, if you dare. I want more than anything to make it stop; I need it all to fucking stop. I have never attempted, I […]
Tag:
Blade
i thought my arms were beautiful when they were covered in my art work. when they bled crimson red. when the blood would drip down my arms and steadily onto the floor. i loved the feeling of the rough horizontal lines i felt like a tiger <3. i loved the sharp pain i felt when digging and slicing my blade into my skin which parted and poured out blood. i miss the words that i can still see forever scarred onto my skin; breathe, love, crazy, no love. the words that describe me. the words that were so close to me that i […]
So yesterday the only friend I had in the world left me. He told me I was a bad person… that I was too fucked uo for him to stick around. How my apathy and suicidal ideation made it bad for him to be around me. And as much as I begged him to stay, and as much as I pleaded, there was no changing his mind.
So I came home. Bought some alcohol, bought out the pain killers. Swallowed 50. Took a blade to my wrist and carved my skin off. Then took a rope and tried to hang myself.
Yet I am […]
She doesn’t know how to cope.
She doesn’t see any light.
So she picks up a blade
and cries the whole night.
He drowns his demons
With whiskey and pills
He’s fully aware,
of how much it kills.
She dreams of flight.
But not like the birds.
She just slices through air.
Without any words.
He’ll catch his train,
To the land of dreams
While the life he left behind,
Tears at it’s seams.
I’ll go soon enough but for now
I’ll just wait.
For my demons to guide me to my
dark,
dark,
fate.
Here I am walking along a lonely road,
Because there was simply no where else to go.
They told me to just be me.
But when I try to be the best I can be,
I turn around and they then torture me.
With words that will never fade,
As I slowly get out the blade.
With actions that will never tame,
It’s all just the same.
With people that will never leave,
For I will always grieve.
For I will never be,
The person they want me to be.
The more I write and talk, the more I started to understand why. I understand why I have thoughts of death. I understand why I want to cut. I understand why everything feels out of my control. I’m trying to get help, but I’m afraid it won’t work. I think I want to stop feeling this way, but I can’t decide if that’s really possible. I hope it is. Because I picked up a blade the first time when I was 12. Pills came at 13. And just maybe I can stop it all. I just don’t understand what it will take to stop.
Sugar on your tongue
Inhale
Water licks my blood
Dead pale
Rain fills up my lungs
It’s hail
It’s a hand she held to my chest
Lips to my neck
I didn’t understand
Poison on her breath
Sleeping in her bed
Blood on the sheets
A memory that brings back memories
Red
Sink back, sink stained
Red
Fear
Black out, panic
Fear
Breathe
Drowning, in blood
Breathe
I yearned for his heat
Warm skin
Lust from curiosity
To sin
Exposed to release
Longing
It’s a lack of guidance
A cowards ignorance
No answers given when the questions aren’t asked
I wasn’t okay but no one cared about my pain
Blue
I’m 15 and sad. I know these dark thoughts are bad and I should get help but I honestly don’t want to depend on anyone for my weakness. I don’t know whether im depressed or just sad… all I know is that I feel empty and really dark all the time. I don’t remember when this all started and I don’t know when im getting better. I have self-harmed before and I still do. I remember the first time I took a blade to my wrist I was only 12. At an age like that I should have been happy and going out playing in the sun. […]
Hi, I’m 12 years old and in the 7th grade. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have considered it. I just want it all to end sometimes, but sometimes I look around and think, “Why would I want to die? There’s so much to live for.” I started cutting about two months ago, but got addicted fast. I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was in control and I wasn’t. Finally I thought, “This is stupid. I’m done with this.” I managed to not cut for all of 24 hours, then I couldn’t stop myself anymore and cut again. I […]
You think things are going right and then you find out the one that you think love you are lying to your face and it seem to never stop. You don’t understand why they lied, but they just keep lying and you don’t know what is the truth or another lie. You just start to feel the world spinning and you’re scared that the spinning won’t stop. You share the room with that person and they’re so obsessed on keeping the lie alive that you can’t even look at them. You just want to yell and scream at them, but all you do is cut, […]
I got home from school to see that no one was home. Tears were streaming don my face as I made my way to my bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed  in deep thought. Why do I have to be so ugly? Fat..worthless..stupid? I feel so alone-my friends..suggested we stop hanging out. I’m not a lesbian by the way. I may be a tad bisexual but so what? I’m not fully gay. And to anyone who IS gay, don’t be ashamed. My brain was clouded with thoughts. I screamed out in frustration and practically tore apart my room. Stuff was strewn out […]
It was only the first time.
I spun the blade around in my hands
contemplating if I should really do this or not.
I heard my mom yell.
Yes, I should, It’s worth it.
The blade sank into my arm,
cutting across my arm.
Not too deep.
It was only the second time.
The kids at school were bullies.
My parents just got mad.
I took the blade in my hands.
I didn’t even think about it.
I pushed it into my arm,
cutting across parallel to the last one,
A little deeper.
It was at least the 50th time.
I didn’t even have different reasons anymore.
I am on the edge. Trying to determine whether or not it’s time for me to die. I just want the curse to be lifted. I want to be set free. Happy again.
But what if dying is not as wonderful as it seems?
I don’t necessarily want to kill myself. But i think most of us on this site have contemplated it at least once before.
I recently made the decision not to eat any more. My stomach is too large. My thighs are too bulky. My arms are too fat. i hate being ugly. it sucks.
“Suicide is never the answer.” yeah, okay, i get that. But […]
Sometimes all we really want to do is shut out the world. Crawl into our bed, pull the blankets over our heads, and blast some depressing songs. I can completely relate to this. My parents say that i need to get out more and i need to come out of my room more frequently but my room is my sanctuary. It’s where i feel the safest. My blades, my “Torture Toys”, my laptop, my phone.. these are all in my room.
My boyfriend used to wonder why i dont talk much or why i look sad all the time. he didnt understand that i had just […]
3 things to never do:
try lie to a teacher, getting you expelled.
ignore a guy who pours his heart out to you for over 2 years (only to fall for him when its too late)
or watch thirteen when your are a recovering self harm addict.
i came so close. i ran around the house looking for a pencil sharpener, unscrewed the blade andmy mind went blank. i dont know what happened. the next thing i knew, i was crying in the fetal position. i opened my hand and the blade was deep in the skin at the bottom of my thumb. i had squeezed my hand shut […]
May 8, 2013
Today is the day that the (I guess you can call it “my”) story is written.
Now i’m 19 years old. My body a nest for scars and memories that should have been long forgotten. Not all scars have stayed with me, and i hope that one day i’ll be free from them all. The sad reality of it is that some of those scars will never leave my skin, and always be a reminder of what i have done. It’s been mere days shy of 6 months without cutting myself for the relief that i have so desperately wanted during this time. The […]
I wish I could restart like a video game. Start over new so I could do everything differently. Every time I turn on my iPod every song I listen to has memories attached to them. I don’t want these memories any more.
I just want to forget the past and let go of this pain. This pain is like a rope that won’t hang me, instead it holds me back, stopping me from moving on.
I just want to let go of the past. The memories. The pain they cause.
I just want to move past this.
I don’t care how I do it, weather it’s with […]
That feeling of the blade going deeper into my skin makes me feel sick…But at the same time its so much relief. The pain is such a welcome distraction…
I think I am indeed going insane. In a heartbeat I’ll be gone from being numb to aching for a blade in my hand. I cut but I don’t understand why – I don’t feel anything. 50 times last night and I don’t feel anything. I was going to make myself homeless, but even any benefits I could’ve gained from that would’ve gone out of the window now. There’s nothing I can do to make my life worth living. So I’ll just sit here until I go completely insane or I slit my wrists, either way, it isn’t going to end well.
Due to the […]
Sometimes, when I wake up, my heart beat seems slow and soothing, and I know that day is going to suck. Nothing will go right and I will reach for my blade, again. I hate it. I hate the people who make me feel worthless because they are right. I deserve to be bullied. All the vulgar thoughts that run through my head at any given time.. I’ve thought of killing my mom. Messed up, I know.