u can’t edit any of the comments on your post anymore. so to clean it up i had to delete the thread and make-it again
Tag:
clean
Everyday it is the same thing, get up go through my day, spend time with my daughter and my fiancée, occasionally talk to the few friends I have, clean or do school work. Sometimes I spend my spare time checking SP or Facebook which isn’t so bad but I swear it’s like a broken record playing through the same section of the same song and skipping in the same places everyday. I hate it. I wish it would change. Then I play it again. Every day. I don’t know why. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m a masochist. Not in a physical sense but emotionally. […]
I have yet to say that I have found a plan and that it will work. I am sorry that I have said goodbye to many times and then not actually do anything about it, I am such a “wuss”. I feel like I can’t ever follow through with things and that I can’t seem to get it together these days..
NO I am not selfish for wanting to die
NO I am not trying to get attention or trying to get people to feel sorry for me because I am “sick”
I am always going to be broken, I can’t seem to get fixed
No one is going […]
It seems like if people aren’t beheading you for being an infidel, you’re being judged for your honesty. I really don’t understand how doctors and other intelligent people can be happy, unless they manage to block out the world somehow. I’ve observed several stories about intelligent people committing suicide, being murdered, or shamefully humiliated by society. I thought that I could be happy by being mean, but I’m just not naturally an asshole like so many others. I feel bad when I make morbid jokes based off of reality. When I talked to my therapist, I often told him what was bothering me, and he […]
I was sure I loved him. It was something I’d never felt before. I lied to him as a defense mechanism and came clean not 24 hours later (not an excuse) and he broke up with me. This process took over 3 days for me to come forward, and his processing. I spent 3 days crying my eyes out and now I feel nothing. I’m not sad. I’m not crying. Nothing…I don’t feel loss. I feel….kinda happy. Can anyone give me a peice of logic or reality to hold onto? Is my brain/body just confused? I’m more distressed at my lack of emotion than I […]
Hey, sorry its been a while since I last posted on here It’s been busy over on my end with the holidays, work, and finishing the college transfer process….
I start at my new college on Monday I’m double majoring in Broadcasting and Art Therapy. I loved my old college but with what happened my freshman year even if I remained there I would never move up and be happy in what I want to do. I truly hope the friends I made there will understand why.
So pretty much I am starting off with a clean slate and a new chapter. Its kind of funny cause […]
Today..
Today I decided I would throw away my blade and try and get clean for a friend.
I promised him a long time ago I would stop cutting, I never fulfilled my promise to him.
Today I decided this time I am going to try and stop cutting for him…..again
I am going to try and get better, and not let the crushing thoughts at 2 a.m get to me
I will be clean of self harm scars again
I will try and win this fight, instead of letting it suffocate me
Ive been suicidal for a while. Absolutely no one knows.And i want to keep it that way so that if i actually go through with i t, no one will stop me this time. Ive attempted it once before, i drank a cup of bleach and had been unconscious for awhile until my mom found me. I am beginning to get those urges again. I had been clean of cutting for about a month until tonight. I think i might try suicide again.. but use a rope.. so its quite, and once i do it, no one can save me. Any other quick ideas?
I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m trying to say no but the blade keeps calling. I hate it! I hate me, I hate my sexuality, I hate the names, the looks, the comments at school, I hate the preppy bitches who get their pleasure from my pain, I hate this!!!! I can’t take much more, one month clean and I’m struggling, Mary moved on, I’m lost, I’ve got 100lbs of pressure on me to be perfect. I’m trying but I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t have any more distractions. What do I do? Who […]
I became 100 days clean from cutting on December 11,2014. I never thought that I’d make it. My best friend helped me get to this special day and he’s helped me stay on the right path. He’s so proud of me.
Today is now December 21,2014 and I am now 110 days clean.
I want people who are having struggles trying to stay clean to know that it’s okay. Anything is possible with the right support and guidance. Set goals for yourself. Believe in yourself.
There will be days when it gets hard and all you want to do is cut. I mean I still want […]
“Glenfidich, clean.”
“I’m going to have to see an ID. I mean, anyone who orders a Glenfidich probably has drank a time or two in their life, but you look kind of young.”
I flashed my license, she responded in a quick nod and vanished into some back area out of view. My vacant stare scanned the activity of the airport terminal. I had gotten three hours sleep, and in the midst of my loose focus, all of the crowds flowed by in bright blurs.
The cling of the glass behind me signaled the arrival of my best friend. I smiled at the server, nervously nursing the bitter […]
So, I’m a full-time nanny. That means that I live with a family and take care of their child. I get paid $20 a week. I don’t get breaks and I’m expected to clean as well. Not so bad when you have no bills to pay. Or at least you would think. I took this job because I know the mother in high school and she helped me out with my prom fare and when my sister’s dog got hit by a car, she gave us a ride to the vet. So the first few months I was here, I decided to work for free […]
I’m just so tired of this all. I thought that this summer would be able to help me recover, but the thing is that I don’t ever really feel anything except for this sharp feeling in my chest. But lately, I keep on feeling really dirty whenever I lie to my friends about not being depressed, or cut, or do anything that I usually do. I get an urge to just wash myself clean of all this. The thing is, I developed a crush on a close friend of mine. But the thing is, I don’t think that this is a good kind of […]
I try to sleep but i never can… All I ever do is sit up thinking constantly. I use to smoke bowls and do drugs to help but I’m trying to stay clean. I need to actually. But without drugs all i think about is hurting myself. When it will be my last day how it will all end. Does anyone know anyway to help with this shit? I mean I’m on meds but they don’t work at all. Someone anyone ideas please… I’m tired of wanting drugs and to hurt myself but I have nothing else.
All my life has contained of happy children and families.When I see them I can’t help but feel jealous.They seem so happy while my family acts like I wasn’t born.I wish my life could go back to normal like when I was little,we would spend every waking hour together but now we are lucky to spend 5 seconds together.After my grandfather died on January 31 2013, I have felt so alone and lost.I have tried so many times to be someone im not because I have no one to look up to and no one to help guide the way.I changed my hair […]
Her eyes and words are so icy
Oh but she burns
Like rum on the fire
Hot and fast and angry
As she can be
I walk my days on a wire
It looks ugly, but it’s clean
Oh momma, don’t fuss over me
The way she tells me I’m hers and she is mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine
Calls of guilty fall on me
All while she stains
The sheets of some other
Thrown at me so powerfully
Just like she throws with the arm of her brother
But I want it, it’s a crime
I’ve realized that nothing amuses me or makes me happy. My life is becoming a boring routine. I’m in college and yes, I have different classes every day but it’s all the same to me.
Today, I woke up at 5:20. I don’t drive so I have to rely on someone who has their own business to drop me off. I went to class, where I almost fell asleep in. Now I have this huge gap, 4 hours, until my last class. I have no friends here. I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t mind it but it gets boring. Then I’ll most likely go […]
When I woke up yesterday I was 4 months clean.
When I woke up this morning, I was a failure
It’s getting to the point where I’m just tired of existing again. Like many times before, though I have never shared these times; I don’t know why I suddenly feel like posting this now. I’m tired of doing all this pointless work, I’m tired of pretending to my family that I care at all about getting some kind of “job” (which I never have and likely never will care about), I’m tired of spending all my savings to live comfortably and go to school when I never had any intention of living that long in the first place and there are people who actually want […]
Why am I always asked this? It always ends with trouble.
What they always mean to ask is, When are you moving out? or, When are you going to get a job? or, When are you going to stop being a moocher?
WTF am I supposed to say??? I don’t have any plans for my life, only for my death next year…
I fear he plans to give me an ultimatum. Get a job or move out. Start going to bed at 830pm & rise at 5am like the rest of the house, or get out, or pay more money.
He doesnt believe in depression, only that a woman’s […]