I bathed in melancholy as I listened to this piece. It made me want to kill myself, immediately. It brought up so many hurt and despair in me I couldn’t bare. I left home. Well, not before I synced it into my music player. I went to my secret place, a small piece of nature surrounded by the big houses of my neighborhood. It was afternoon and the sun was nice on me. Everything was nice, because when you have cancer even the dickheads from the office can manage to swallow their jokes. I called my psychologist. She didn’t answer. I sat down by a […]
Tag:
clean
I’m trying so hard to reclaim my mind from self harm. It’s been five days since I last cut. The first two were okay. The third hard after these kids at school were….. Well they were them. The fourth worse. I was at my best friends birthday party when one of our friends invited a guy. (It was supposed to be just eight of us girls) I was okay at first, then he got out of his car. I got a bad feeling. Immediately after he got out of his car. I was scared. I hid. With my friends I stayed the farthest away from […]
This girl I really like, Mary, found out that I cut. And about my recent suicide attempt. She took my arm today and drew all over it. Hearts, butterflies, her name, the whole shebang. She told me shes rooting for me and that I can get through this. I think I believe her. So I’m setting the clock to zero and letting the numbers grow. Hopefully I won’t have to reset it to zero any time soon. I’m going for a personal record of over a week clean. Wish me luck 🙂
I don’t know where to go with this. I don’t even know that the details are worth it. Especially the past year, every time I make a little progress – work, finances, friendships – that and more are ripped from me.
What the fuck did I do that I’m always being punished? What I did – as though I had control over it – was that I was born. I survived physical, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. I’ve survived HIV. I’ve survived losing everything including my home just over a decade ago. And it’s really time to end this nonsense. I’ve known for a while how […]
I’ve had enough. I’m done trying to prove myself. Or trying to please you. “Listen here you little *****,” is that what I am to you? A *****? I stopped being your daughter years ago. Even before I truly realized it. You thought I was messing with your head then? I’m not sick like you. The whole damn family knew you cared more about your boyfriends then you did me. “I’ve written my resignation letter twice Cierra!” Wanna know how many times I’ve written my suicide letter? I deserve to be treated better. I haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t clean my room well enough? […]
I wanted to do it. I was convinced I was going to take my life. I was devastated. Things had been moving in a positive direction since I last posted, but I knew it was only an amount of time before things came crumbling down. I quit my job. I hadn’t planned on doing it the way I did, but I lost my mind. Things were so bad there, I quit because my managers wouldn’t do anything to help me. No matter how many times I asked for help with a co worker they let it slide and made it out like it was my […]
I took Venlafaxine for years and at a high daily dosage — 300 mg. I began slow withdrawal in February and quit abruptly in April. It’s 5 months later. I’m still struggling with rages and crying jags and terrible impulsiveness and paranoia and … blah, blah, blah. Also withdrawing from klonapin. I am committed to doing this. I will not continue to take these drugs which never relieved my depression nor my anxiety. Has anyone made it out the other end, clean? How long did it take? I don’t trust the medical profession any longer and don’t believe members have the answers to these questions.
I broke my 2 month long spree of being clean from cutting on Wednesday. I’ve got the perfect idea for a sketch in my mind and tonight I think I’ll finish it off with a little blood.
I am waiting.
I’m feeling super pissed now. I know. I’ll eventually crumble. I’ve always hated the end of the year. Worst. Memories ever.
I’m waiting.
For a worse memory to appear. For my anger and rage to dissipate, to be replaced by an abyss of hopelessness and regret. To be replaced by self hate. To push everyone away from me, from my own incompetence in life. To be angry at myself for doing so and repeat the whole cycle.
I’m waiting.
For a time where my life does not have this cycle. I wish I could kill people, but first I’d kill myself.
I’m waiting.
Till I am called by my […]
when my stuff i ordered online gets here, I’m done. my mom is making fun of the way i am feeling, calling my dad and my aunt telling them I can’t clean my apartment, I’m sorry I’m depressed and my mom is making fun of me for it
I was in a relationship for 15 years where he belittled me on a daily basis. It wasn’t until the divorce and 2 children later that I was told I suffer from battered woman’s syndrome. I was always too fat, never good enough in bed, mean, moody, didn’t clean enough, not a good cook, not a good mom, didn’t take my schooling far enough to be able to give him all the material things he wanted, etc. Finally after a year of being divorced, I tried online dating. I met several people, none of which caught my attention. Then I met one that was not […]
Well I haven’t posted on here because I thought life was getting better but I saw I was living for others intead of myself and that I’m alone i feel all broken and weak so now I’m trying to find myself and what I want do because I have to decide which college I am going apply to by December and hopefully I survive my last year of pre med ( if I go back)
Recovery has been hard but I have been clean for almost two years , no drinking no cutting and actually eating so I’m somewhat proud of myself
In conclusion this […]
Most of you don’t know me, because I’ve usually been pretty quiet here. I’ve read a lot of posts over the years here, however. A precious few of them have even made me feel better, for a time. Thanks to this site and those people who have posted here for making me feel better, if only for a little while.
I’m thinking about bringing things to a close this weekend. I don’t want to back myself into a corner by making it a firm decision, but I think it might be time.
I let it slip at work today that I might not be coming into work […]
Well, that could almost be the story of my life.
But I’ve never been much of a drug addict.
I’ve taken a lot of crap from people and kept my mouth shut.
Now I want to take some shit to shut up the crap in my head (see what I did there?)
The stuff is called N, it comes in powdered form, it was not purchased for this purpose.
I get unbelievably lonely and bored as I don’t have a job or many mates to hang with.
I’m like the 60’s housewife popping pills to get through her day.
I need to man (woman?) up and do stuff with my life, but […]
today was a mix of things. I am a little drunk. I had a bunch of mimosas with a coworker. delicious. Today was meant to be a busy but powerful and productive day.
I went to my old apartment where I paid my rent till the end of the month to discover that my ex roommates went into my room and “cleaned up.” They threw away different pieces of cardboard and plastic bags that I had left there. I went back to clean up and pick up some things I’d left today. I was shocked especially because some of the materials I left there, I left […]
I have suffered from depression for decades along with addictions etc. In the early 90’s, at my last re-hab
without any warning I began to write poetry. It just came to me. It seemed effortless. Fast forward to Robin Williams suicide, the medias response, such as what did he have to be depressed about? That is such a selfish act, prompted me to jump into the fray. I KNOW what the feeling is like that killing yourself is the only way to stop the unbearable pain. So I posted one of my poems on Facebook. Last night I spoke with my sister, who told me […]
Not for anything but I’m so sick of feeling lonely and insecure and useless and inadequate. For once in my life I’d love to have a friend or a significant other stick with me and tell me that it’s going to be ok, that I have a life worth living. Sometimes I just have to be reminded, because the self pep talks are useless.
It’s probably extremely pathetic on my behalf, but I’ve recently started talking with my ex again. It’s stupid but I miss him. He’s married to an absolute ***** who’s driving everyone away from him, and I’ve warned him numerous times to get out […]
I was abused as a child. I can’t remember so many things! I have so many empty spots in my memory that I can’t deal with! I began self harming in elementary school. I haven’t been clean for longer than two weeks since. I want to die so badly! I can’t deal with the pressure from my family, the disappointment in their eyes when they look at me, knowing how much more disappointed they’d be if they found out I’m not as straight as they think. I am everything they hate. I can’t do anything right in their eyes, yet they expect so much from […]
Another day, and I slowly make my way out of the sleep paralysis that seems to come more often now. Then one by one I drag a foot off my bed and plant it on the floor, feeling surprised that I am still alive, but of course not surprised that I still feel so dead… I look over my shoulder towards the spot in which I had laid and observe the blood stains upon my sheets from last nights battle. Another trigger had been pulled and I was wounded, the cuts are getting a little deeper now, it’s also requiring more to simply balance out […]
how do you feel knowing you’re the reason somebody can’t sleep at night
how do you feel that you ruined a little girls life
you probably wouldn’t recognize me
but you grabbed at me with your filthy hands
and I’ll never be clean again
i can’t live with it