so I’m here to try and tell my story because someone said I should try… Well I not to sure where to start but all I know is that everyday is a challenge for me every since I was 9. Is it normal for a child to feel so much hurt and despair? Well I’m sure some might say no because its not normal because there must be something going on. I grew into my teens feeling the same I have thought so many times that I should end it maybe that will make things better. I don’t want not at all but its crossed […]
Tag:
deep
I have a lot on my mind lately. Stupid things, really. But I feel very isolated. Unlovable. More and more, I just want to be alone. To sleep or to read. Part of it is that my boys are growing up (21 and 17) and don’t need their mom as much these days (I mean, except for food. And laundry.) My family is not close (honestly, we could fill a Wal-Mart with our crazy) and my friends, well, they don’t want to be that close. Not their fault. My issues run deep and wide. Still, I have always wanted someone for me. A friend, a […]
I thought I was gone from this site, it’s been over a year. I thought things were looking up, but I’m still a failure. I thought I had already lost everything, but I’m about to lose more. I am so overwhelmed and hopeless. I have done everything I can do to build myself up, but it always comes back to this. I’m tired of feeling afraid all the time. I don’t really want to die, but I have exhausted all other options. It’s been so long, decades. There are people I love, far more than I love myself. So I keep on, keeping […]
It’ll probably be some time next week. If all goes to plan.
I’m kind of excited, in a dark and twisted kind of way. It makes me feel more at ease knowing it’ll all be over soon.
I remember the last time I did this.
All the planning, all the secrecy. And in the end it came to nothing.
Bought a 300 pill tub of painkillers, took 2 because I had a headache part way through.
Bought 12 pints worth of beer and had one can, which was warm.
Bought a nice strong hemp rope and the beam above me wasn’t strong enough.
In the end I just fished out a razor […]
I feel guilty for the way I feel. My life is good, most would call it easy and I have the nerve to be ungrateful. I try to put on a brave face but it’s so hard to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. It’s like every little thing someone says hurts me and digs in. It keeps burrowing under my skin building until I just can’t take it anymore and I know I don’t hide it that well but no one notices. I’ve tried to kill myself before and I take medication and I tell my mom that I just feel empty, but all […]
Why do we hurt ourselves?
And I don’t mean in the physically obvious way that so many of us on here have, I mean in an emotional sense.
Why do we persist with people that deep down we know are hurting us, or will eventually hurt us? Sometimes its obvious to us that these people are bad news.
I keep asking myself this question, it’s like there’s two versions of me, the rational side that only manifests for a few seconds every hour, and then the crazy version that is in the drivers seat most of the day.
The rational me will be sat there going, “Don’t speak to […]
Hmm… Well I’m 27. And this feeling(s) have not subsided since my adolescence. On the contrary, every year gets worse. There is so much to write about. I don’t feel like getting into most of it. But I will say the one of the worst feelings is when you regret regretting ending your life. And it haunts me so. And I know that if don’t end it sunday. Monday will be full of regrets. Deep down I don’t want to end it. I mean I do, but at the same time. I want something worth living to stop me. Ofcourse I feel like a coward […]
To me there’s a difference in self harming and actually wanting to dir. I’m no coward. Like I’ve said. I won’t end my life bc I don’t want my remainging family to live with the fact that they didn’t listen. Knowing what I’m capable of. And knowing I’m not afraid. They still go about.
I want to die so bad. And I think in all honesty this would be fair to me. But as you see I can for these fuckers around me who don’t care about me. Selfless. Fuck… I cut deep and watch the blood run out. I feel alone..and dead already its so […]
An angel in the darkness.
A demon of the lamplight.
From shadow to shadow I lurch and I hide.
I’ve lost my identity.
I’ve lost my bearings.
I’m afraid of this beast down deep inside.
I don’t like leaving the house anymore. It’s become a chore and I hate it.
But I did leave. And I went far. Over 100 miles.
And I saw you. But you didn’t see me. I was right in front of you. You walked right passed me.
You looked right at me. You looked right through me.
I could have reached out and touched you. I could have reached out and snapped your neck.
None of you saw me. I wasn’t […]
My chest aches as my heart speeds. My eyes blurred until all I see is darkness. My lungs burn as I struggle to breath. My ears pop and a loud ringing sounds. My body shakes and my muscles twitch. Griping my chest in pain as I try to fight the fear. My truth beneath a mask. I scream usually slient screams until my lungs stop their Burns. I hug my chest tight the compression soothing the pain. Deep breaths as my heart slows and my sight returns. This mask you see Once again put in place. Once my body’s returned to almost normal I vow […]
“You have broken my heart more times then the fingers on my hand can count. Yet I still carry you. You, a master whose eye have strayed for a moment on a servant such as I. All the beautiful women fought for your affection, an affection that was cast upon me. My scarred body no longer produced deep angry red cuts. You had run the demons away. Alas I am a lowly servant not nearly as beautiful as they who are your equal. Now I lay here with fresh scars without so much as a glance from you. I no longer hold your heart and […]
Well I just got dumped this past saturday after 2 1/2 years of being together. I guess I should have realized the signs when he stopped answering my messages of fb for two weeks…. The worse part he didn’t even give me an actual reason on why…. Just a bunch of shitty excuses and fake lies like oh It would be better if we were best friends…. NO ALL YOU DID WAS FRICKEN STABBED ME IN THE FUCKIN BACK AND LEFT THE KNIFE IN IT!
I’ve been pretty much in a pretty bad funk/depression all week going by so slow feeling like I’m in a time […]
So this feeling is so, not painfull, not happy, no wanting 2 die, yet cant live…iv gotten on my feet the best i could only to get knocked down multiple times id like 2 drink, or do some h. Smoke myself to bliss. Its not drugs that is doin this 2 me thats just how i cope. Searching for a god who speaks through a book i try very hard 2 understand. Cant give up, but cant go passed this. Was i born like this? Did u do this to me?…….tried so hard but did i try the right way. Nah i couldnt have. Is […]
Yet again I’m stuck in a shit hole.. Another sleepless night.. Trapped in hell.. All I do is try and try to find answers I know will never appear.. I search and search and dig so deep with nothing but more tears to weep… What’s the point in going on when all you feel you had is gone?… You’ve failed at all you attempted, you never finished anything… There is really no way to become more of a fucking disappointment. I’m sorry that I embarrass you.. I’m sorry you’re ashamed when I’m around.. I’m sorry I have never and will never accomplish anything significant.. I’m […]
it happened on a cold winter day
and was started by a romantic cliche
the ghost of being all alone
departed when you took me home
and shattered all I’ve ever known
I can’t forget the darkness that night
except for the beam of that brake light
the embrace of your king sized bed
softened all the words you said
and reminds me that I can’t forget
our bodies’ passionate duet
one minute you were drinking with me
and then the next we’re in neck deep
I still can taste the wine we shared
and feel the heat of our affair
now it’s been burned into my head
,
In too deep, I wish I could sing of the goodies
Humble like the Leo, I’m just trying to, chill
I wish I was
I’m afraid for the message in the bottle, back
Is my yahoo-account, hacked
Serpent of light, sing to me
Are we comrades, hit-me-back-up on the FB or digit
The order, the golden, we gonna’ go, we have to
Build our home on the land, living like the equilibrium of
The talisman, but what is lost
I just want to be by the fire, by the sun, eat my carrots
Heal, because of what I am
In all seriousness, and pleasantry, like […]
Bubbling Boiling , deep inside.
Waiting praying, to see the light.
Whispered nightmares, a tale within.
One bloodied mess, one last sin.
There’s only one way, to kill that cretin.
Death of it’s master, one way to be beaten.
Let it out, or make them pay.
A sacrifice surely, one i’ll not make.
For we like this realm, Him and I.
So I let him control, my rotted insides.
There’s only one note, I must recall.
I’m that daemon, Which hate’s it all.
He’s my king, as I for Him.
“One bloodied mess, our very last sin”
I have five more days. If I don’t complete the blood oath by then, i’ll lose everything. My wrists are going to […]
I am about to turn 25 years old and for most of my adult life I have tried to find a reason to not kill myself. I never have been happy for multiple reasons, which I’ll list below. It’s going to sound like I’m whining or complaining about my life, but my hatred for my own life (as well as myself as a person) runs so deep that when someone asks me what I like about myself I honestly can’t answer the question. Five years ago I actually tried to kill myself, and I have no idea how I lived through that attempt. Anyway, here’s […]
Do any of you fight? Fight anxiety? Fight the late night thrashes? Fight the any time thrashes? Fight dragging your nails across your skin? Fight the thoughts of suicide? Fight those voices that tell you you’re worthless? Or do you let it sink in…
Deep, deep down…
Down where even your soul believes you’re worthless. That you’re not fit for this world. That you’re just full of bull shit. That you’re so sick and twisted, that there is no point.
Some of you have been fighting. Fighting until you’re beautiful little mind can’t even breathe anymore. It’s clustered. It’s tired. It just want to quit even though it’s […]
So i have been having really deep depression latly and idk how to deal with it. I cant talk to anyone about it because i have no one. Id just like to talk to someone who understands me
Myemail is justin _ evans at aol