i hope you are up to date with your reading. someone is jerking me around. your office says its the insurance co. the insurance co says its the office. either way for some reason my co-pay to see you has now tripled. been waiting for some edict from on high saying i need to stop seeing you so often. guess now i got it. something to do with specialist services versus therapy services. blah blah blah. i love insurance companies. oh well its only money right? my current financial crisis notwithstanding. i keep saying i am worth more dead than alive. yet another example. someone […]
Tag:
Emotion
If you’ve ever had a chemistry class’s you should know that at every moment of life there’s and enermOus amount of pressure hurling down on you. It s what keeps the water in place and the oygen in the air I think. But just like the oceans were all under pressure contanst continuous pressure. Thats really how we live forever….
I have a deep love for bots I love the sail bots the old wooden ones . I thong that mastery of ship captains and their crew is the apex of adventure and freedom. I ve always wanted to be and old shi ccatain and feel […]
I’m that guy that has been shit on more than anybody knows. Early days as a kid I was harassed daily and tormented by fellow classmates because of my mothers crack addiction. The only reason they knew was because their parents did drugs along with my mother. Was born with a bad foot which pretty much opted me out of any sports or doing well as I could. Shyness throughout the years was difficult to deal with as I learned to talk to females and learn what they wanted and what they saw. My father has been in prison all my life and haven’t read […]
I can really feel myself shrink when I’m at school, the amount of negative feelings toward myself kind of made me uneasy and it’s not even that even that it’s the amount of time I’ve spent feeling THIS bad about myself from from 6th-10th grade(now) and the amount of anger and emotion that I have I do feel bad about carrying so much of it but it’s like I can’t pinpoint my exact problems with my depression sometimes it feels like it’s the same problems repeating themselves and it’s hard to feel good about myself and say that it’ll be alright because after so much […]
The spoiler of Life.      HOPE
Hope ,that last  line that keeps you hear grounded.
Hope also brings  along for the run, Faith.
The belief that it will get better. Faith
Witch also stands along side with religion .
IF anyone can stop you He can. By witch name do i call you.
ARE YOU Â the ALL FOGIVING GOD , will you forgive me for what
ive done. Or will you judge me a coward and plugs my soul to hell.
wait is their even a heaven ? In my sleep i fine freedom from my
mind consent war . The peace i seek is their , No more pain, Nothing
simple sleep  is this what death is like? […]
You know that point where you’re on the edge of the cliff and any emotion you’ve ever had is racing through your body and you’re just ready to take the last leap? I think I’m past that. I think I’m falling, just waiting to hit the bottom. I say falling because I feel absolutely nothing. Literally numb. But I’m afraid one day my numbness will snap and I will hit the ground, hard.
Doctors tend to ask if you are suicidal. I’m not. I accepted a while ago that I could not bring myself to do anything that intentionally hurt the people I love. Since I first wrote this sentence down, a close friend of mine took his own life. Before this, I had begun to feel increasingly like my desire not to be here anymore was beginning to outweigh my desire not to break my family’s hearts. Because, much as I don’t see the appeal, I have to admit that it would. I struggled, in the wake of my friend’s suicide, to understand how I felt about […]
He left me for a 16 year old. together for 5 years. been through everything imaginable. He asked if I would be okay dating him if he was with her too. He wants two girlfriends. says he can’t lose me but he’s going to pursue her. He even shows me the sweet texts they send each other.
I said I would be okay with it.
I would be the other girl. as long as he paid more attention to me.
It’s been two days and he hasn’t called or returned my texts. So I’m done now. I was not in the mental state to be […]
Life is completely boring to me. After reading and seeing the exploits of fantasy life seems boring. I long for the days of old. To be a Samurai during a time of war would please me deeply. I wish something would happen to real life like in the movies. An alien invasion, some all powered god going berserk. However this will never happen for it’s just a fantasy. This mundane life is enough to make me want to end it. Of course I won’t because frankly I don’t want to be a burden to my family. I may not fully understand the emotion of love […]
I hadn’t posted in a while .. had to pass by to let y’all know I’m doing better
Of course, this didn’t happen overnight .. It required commitment to one decision, a lot of willpower and taking action based on that decision
Around mid-october, I took the decision that I wasn’t going to kill myself .. I was tired of thinking life could be worth it one day and to hell with this world the next day, I had to pick a side to put an end to the confusion .. It was one tough decision to make because it went against a burning desire to check […]
I know there are some greens up in here that would get depressed at the slightest challenges and confrontations in life.it may be about what the other guys in school call you,it may be about a broken friendship or a missing school bag,it may be about a seperated family or a horny pervert..the truth is that when those updates are made up in here,it is because this kids has no one else or no where else to turn to.maybe they needed the mature opinion of the adult folks up in here.whom they ve come to respect and look up to.please adult sp folks if a […]
Wanting to die is a strange feeling. It consumes all of the joy in you and turns you into mere nothingness. Empty, cold and numb are the best words to describe it. It has gotten to the point where I can be dripping in my own blood, not feeling anything, no pain, no emotion. I thought he was a new beginning but I mean nothing as always and I don’t expect anything different nowadays. Some people know about my self harm and depression but none of them can fix me. I’m far too broken to ever be helped, I don’t even know what it feels […]
I need to teach myself not to feel. Or to bury my feelings and water them down so they don’t show up anymore. I used to know how, I used to be good at it. But now, I’m told that is what a man does. He buries his feelings. A man doesn’t show every emotion he has. True men don’t show any feeling. I am mostly emotionless now. Emotions don’t cross my face, they cross my tone. They betray me in my voice. I will not accept weakness in myself. This is not an option. I must get rid of my feelings. I must not […]
you just have to say “fuck it, I wanna be happy.”
Life is Shit at the moment, life is a journey.
You stepped in a pile of shit ok?
When you do that in real life, what really happens?
For the next ten miles do you think about that pile of shit you stepped in?
Do you see piles of shit on the road ahed and steer yourself right into them?
No? So why do it mentally?
Sure, your foot may stink because of the residual shit, but the initial impact is back there man, leave your bad feelings about the shit back there. […]
today is the day i pour my heart out to a man..
i know he does not love me.. and possibly might even hate me..
but for me to go on with my life i have to tell him.
i have had thoughts about just killing myself in front of him to get some type of emotion from him but i know it wont work..
he is heartless, and after today i will be too…
Deafening echoes reverberate off the walls.
Walls painted black by years of neglect.
Walls forming a very small room.
With a floor made of long-lost dreams and aspirations.
No door.
No window.
No light.
Beautiful.
In the center of the room, I sit.
Unable to think clearly.
Why is it so loud?
I only need a moment of peace.
What I wouldn’t give for a moment of peace.
Unable to open my eyes, for fear of what I might see.
And when I finally muster the courage, I wish that I hadn’t.
Filth.
That’s all I see around me.
People living meaningless lives.
Blissfully ignorant.
Secure in their […]
Some of you know me as CL on ******. I got everything I need now to exit this world. Well, unless I get stopped that is or chicken out. All I have to say is that if you dont hear back from me in the next few days to a week then I’m either in Hospital or gone for good. I wish you all a fond farewell. You think I might be crying or something when I’m typing this but I have no emotion in me what so ever. Just need to write some notes now. Peace xxx
Many of you have seen me here.
And what really can be said. If I could right now, I’d take my own life because there seems to be no light at the other end. I’m flat it seems like with no emotion and I hate that feeling. I’ve gone through a lot in my life, not as much as some on here, but I’ve got demons I live with every day and don’t know how to take it anymore.
So why do I write? No idea. I guess just to say, I’m tired of it? That I live through life alive but dead? And that I’m […]
i kind of feel like nothing. you know?
as in. i feel empty, literally.
like i have no stomach, or liver, or kidneys, or lungs just nothing. i feel nothing. im just an outline of a figure holding a sad soul, that has already died.
the only thing i know exists is my brain, because the voices are haunting it.
my feelings are gone. i thought i felt numb before, and would occasionally notice a feeling, of somewhat happiness that would last mere seconds.
but now. it’s like i don’t even recognise emotion.
i ‘smile’.
it feels like any other movement.
it doesn’t hold any true feeling of happiness. nothing. […]
Depression: don’t want to deal, don’t want to feel. Nothing. Just want it to go away. Feeling. Emotion. Love. I want to push it out of me. Down some rocky shore. Out into an ocean, an abyss anything to swallow this pain, make it gone, disappear. Be dead.
Not living. Not trying to. Just breathing, just beating, just thinking. Hate and anger. At me. I despise myself. I despise this life, this nothing. This pain. Accepted by no one, loved by no one, am no one. Empty. Shallow. Weak. Where is the purpose to live in that?