How do you survive when the enemy lives within. When your brain and emotions are the are the very things that are eating away at your essence. When you silently screaming yet no one can hear you or even begin to comprehend the dark thoughts roaming around inside you….
life lesson: kill your enemies with kindness. I am my biggest enemy, therefore I will kill myself with kindness.
I want to start off by saying this is not so much a cry for help as it is more just for someone to listen for once in my life. You know the guy you always hear about with the “so fucked up it belongs on TV” life? The guy who is a struggling drug addict, unmedicated bi-polar, self hating suicidal freak? The guy who’s self-esteem is at absolute zero because no matter what he does or how hard he tries he is never good enough for anyone? Well, in a short description, that guy is me. I’m not proud or happy to tell anyone […]
Angry all the time. Lost. Frustrated. Tired. Angry at the world and at myself. Still blood dripping down my face from getting in a fight with my brother and getting angry about being weak and cutting my temple just to let go of some of the anger. Girlfriend of 4 yrs got angry and walked out, and rightly so. It’s hard to fight the enemy when the enemy is yourself. I……just don’t know what to do anymore, and maybe I never did. I can’t do this anymore. But I don’t know how to change. Been on meds, counseling, you name it…..I just…..still trying to figure […]
However I know why I didn’t. I might throw up and blame myself for not going, and perhaps I’ll keep doing that for the rest of my life, but I know precisely why I didn’t run away last year. I was ready, fully ready, I know that. I am not a coward.
I used to have a lot of desires and instincts. But eventually, with the passage of time and suffering, many of them faded away. And only two were left. Only two prevailed. They were: Desire for truth & Hate for society.
Society is my proverbial enemy, my arch enemy. But I am not a psychopath […]
I have a handle of vodka, antidepressants, and a razor.
I haven’t properly slept in a little over a week. I’ve probably slept about 4 hours the most.
When I do sleep, I get these nightmares of the same thing. When i’m awake, I see the creature everywhere I go. The voices in my head won’t shut up.
I just want to be free. Is that too much to ask? I feel like a zombie half time. Sleep is my enemy. My mind is hazardous.
I’m tired of crying, i’m tired of sleepless nights, i’m tired of being being tired. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
i fell back into that place again. that place of darkness, hopelessness, and futility. that place that all of you have worked so hard to get me out of. im not thinking of 2015. im not thinking of this afternoon. im thinking of right now. this second, fighting that damn urge. so here i am again, thinkin of all of you and the things you have taught me, trying to distract my mind, to shut it up so i wont give in and listen to it. why wont it go away? why wont it leave me alone?why does it torture me, shut me down and […]
My selfish enemy
Still has the best of me
Empty and feeling numb
Wish I could take it away
I can’t control the need
To weak to not concede
Wish I was deaf and dumb
Wish I could fake it
**Seether**
Fight your enemy.
First destroy his heart,all he loves, and all who love him back.
Next destroy his mind and philosophies.
Finally, cripple him with a single shot.
Now I lay in a state of nothing.
I am dead yet alive for I have defeated my ene-me.
BY ANNE SEXTON
Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.
Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention,
the furniture you have placed under the sun.
But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.
Twice I have so simply declared myself,
have possessed the enemy, eaten the enemy,
have taken on his craft, his magic.
In this way, heavy and thoughtful,
warmer than oil or water,
I have rested, drooling at the mouth-hole.
I did not think […]
Today I got back in touch with an old friend/mentor of mine, and we got into talking about things. He said how when he was younger he thought about the possibility of death/suicide, and he eventually explained how he was able to overcome…or snap out of his dark state.
By realizing he was his own worst enemy.
And that’s me. I’m my own worst enemy.
For me, the expression “you are your own worst enemy” holds a lot of truth. It’s a painful reality that much of what limits me in my life is my own feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred.
But where do these feelings come from? How do they influence us? And how can we push past them to live a life free of the harsh attitudes of our inner critic? I will never know.
There’s blood on my hands, and the killers not my enemy. It’s all for the sake of love, it’s all for you.
Ugh, why couldn’t I just die properly Saturday? Seriously, I attempt to overdose on pills and wake up on a hospital bed under suicide watch, this fucking blows. I don’t want to be here, I want to be dead. I might as well be dead, it’s not like I’ve got anything or anyone to live for. No family, no friends, no dreams, nothing.
Isn’t that pathetic? Being a 16 year old lonely high school dropout living off a trust fund, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, I guess it’s almost like I’m my worst enemy. Oh well, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
So far, in this short period I call a life, I’ve been hurt by three people. Whoever reads this post will probably be thinking, Only three? That’s nothing. But these three people have really put me down in life and I just can’t seem to pull myself back up. No matter how hard I try and get a few inches higher, I somehow manage to go down again the next day….
I’m not much of an expert on relationships, but I know something is definitely wrong when the “boy” you are with for almost three years ignores you for his friends. He would rather play his dumb […]
I tried, I tried to socialise.
You see, it’s my moms birthday party, and she has around ten close friends over. All laughing and joking. But obviously being me, the akward angella. I’ve got to sit in the corner and panic at every look.
How did I get this way? I used to be the glue to every occasion, I would dive right into the deep end, and frollic like a little child. Now, I’m afraid to even dip my toe in the water.
I can here them, laughing their asses off downstairs. And, it breaks my heart. I wish that I could be like them, I really […]
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