I think it’s safe to say I’m extremely passionate about music. I tend to get, obsessive. Lately I’m hung on Leo. I want to be him. He makes metal covers of pop songs. Acoustic covers of metal. I’ll never be THAT good. I’ll never even play for anyone besides my kids, I’ll probably stop when they’re capable of judging me. Anyways enough of why I suck. This is a cover of Adele’s Hello. I hate her version for the record.
This group seems to be having two distinctly different roles for me. First and foremost, I feel I’m gaining depth and understanding of my issues. Far better than any other form of help I’ve sought.
Countering that, I’m gaining insight into the reality of suicide. For the first time I can say I’m sure I’ll be successful next time. Sorry for the false alarm last night. Too confident too quickly.
The cats out of the bag. The handful of people around me are aware I’m considering. Though I’m not revealing a plan. I’m giving it time though so don’t fret.
The hardest part for me is letting go […]
I can’t do this anymore. I keep getting beaten down and its exhausting. I’m tired. People keep telling me that “you’re so beautiful” or something along those lines, but they can’t see what’s inside of me; inside I am blackened and crumpled and there is only a faint glow of life but it’s about to go out. I have been struggling on my own for 3.5 years now and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been crying out for help but my “friends” either don’t care and walk away or they don’t know me well enough to recognize my pleas. For a little while I […]
I’ve not been the greatest lately, and I haven’t paid nearly enough attention to all you wonderful people on this site. I don’t recognize half of your names, makes me feel old. Nonetheless, this site is for the suicidal, and I guess I can be counted among their number. I want to die, hell, not a day goes by that I don’t want to stick a gun in my mouth and paint the walls around me red. Thing is, I can’t do that. There are people out there that would die if I committed suicide, and I can’t let that happen. I don’t give a […]
I don’t know if I’ll come out of it this time. I dip pretty low, but somehow I find my way out of the mire enough to catch a breath. But this time is different. I don’t have anything to motivate me…well, except my debt. Seriously, debt is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I guess if I decide not to kill myself, I’m afraid I’ll have ruined my life too much if I don’t pay my bills. Everything I do anymore is motivated by fear–not love or passion or even just a simple desire to do that thing. […]
Idk how to get over it. There are times where i dont think about it. Moments where im good enough of a liar to tell myself otherwise. As Winston Churchill said of the truth “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.” The truth is I’m not attractive, social active, or persistent enough to find someone. I don’t know how to change that. I feel like i change every other aspect of my life except this and i feel helpless. The only advice people have is be more confident. Thats like telling […]
Trying to fight depression and fatigue. I’ve been taking ephedrine and caffeine to lose weight. It is helping but a side effect is fucked up sleep. I work in a few hours at a job i can’t do and will be fired from soon. I haven’t put in other applications or done anything with my business (web design I’ve only got 2 clients in the past year) or potential businesses i want to start (game/app design, and t-shirt company). Im just moping on my mom’s […]
If I were to do it…
By it, I mean take my life.
The plan would be creative,
Elaborate…
Full of spite.
With some rope I’d hang,
My feet still touch the floor.
Not enough to asphyxiate,
Just to numb the core.
A gun fixed behind me,
With pulleys and cables to the door.
So you can be the one to kill me,
Like so many times before.
Maybe then you can feel me,
Through my blood upon you face.
Maybe then you’ll see,
The folly of your ways. . . […]
Initially this post was going to be (and still may be) similar to a lot of posts where i complain about how undesirable i feel to women. The impetice for that feeling was a commercial for a movie called How to be single. I get it “everybody sleeps around”. Well pop culture and the 6 to 9 corporations that own you. FUCK OFFF!!!! Im a super depressed introvert who hates social networking and doesn’t look like brad pitt. Furthermore the few times in my life where i did luck into a “hook up” left me feeling empty. It isnt for me. But it is a […]
Finally had enough of this bullshit. I got my phone and about twenty cents on me. Wish me luck.
Here you go, Hazy.
The one that stalks around in the upstairs hallway doesn’t really look like this, but I think it bears a close enough resemblance.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Hello all, first time poster here, and I know not how long I’ll be around to post again.
I was born just as any other fortunate kid – to a loving family that deeply cared for me. When I was young, and growing up, I engaged in many of the same activities a kid from my time period engaged in: television, Nintendo, sports when the weather permitted, etc. I was never abused by my parents, and only received discipline when I stepped out of line (which I deserved). I was also a bit spoiled as I grew up – my mother brought in a salary of […]
Mornings seem to be the worst.
At any rate I’m feeling upset, angry? that not just that my ex gave up on us, but that she (probably, I might be simply imagining that she feels that way) believes she had no choice. That there was no chance for us. That we (she?) wasn’t healthy enough.
I don’t believe this at all. I do not believe my being depressed and anxious means I can’t be in a relationship, or have a healthy one. My ex and I had this one issue, serious enough for her to leave me, but- even she said this- we were amazing in every other […]
It’s 4am and I’m lonely.
It’s 4am and I’m questioning my existence again.
It’s 4am and the demons in my head are out to play.
It’s 4am and I’m feeling more miserable by the second.
It’s 4am and I’m in pain, but I don’t trust myself enough to take pills.
It’s 4am and I’ve lost my will.
It’s 4am and I’m depressed.
It’s 4am and I need help.
It’s 4am and minutes pass on.
It’s 4am and there’s no difference between time, because I’ll still be feeling the same as I did at 4am…
I woke up this morning, but i’m not happy to say i did. Tried to OD last night, but i threw everything up in my sleep apparently. I don’t know if i took enough, i was drunk when i took the pills. Was definitely enough to make me feel sick. My roomate (who was my fiance, broke up with me after cheating on me) isn’t here and i have no one to talk to. He usually helps me with this stuff, but i don’t feel like i can trust him anymore. I’m left with no one to talk to. Once i mustered enough strength to […]
It just hit me why im here … I just want to be able to talk to people who can relate and not just be ignored .. Ive been thinking a lot lately of doing self harm but i never get enough guts to do it … I dont know if im depressed but i feel like i am… Its so hard to live a life where everyone you care about ignores you or simply breaks your heart .. I really want to talk to people and for once not be ignored?
The one aspect that truly defeats me further when I’m already down is inability to connect and converse with people. It’s just not about having a basic conversation, it’s about fluid connection, something that comes very natural to so many people and yet I’m so terrible at it.
Sorry in advance for the following pessimistic outlook.
Even on this site I notice that people form friendships and root for each other, meanwhile I’m just ending up being a lurker feeling like I’m more fucked up than anyone else. I’m unable to add a proper comment, all I can do is write something very generic or explain something that I […]
When I was younger my life was crap and yet despite all that was happening to me, rape, beatings, abandonment, homelessness, foster care I still had this idea that my future would be better. I still somehow believed that if I could just hold on long enough, try my hardest then one day things would fall into place. Twenty six years later and I have run out of that hope. I cry myself to sleep all the time, I cant find a job, I have no freedom at home, no money, I only ever get used in romantic “relationships”. Ive never had a boyfriend. I […]