I haven’t lost him but he’s no loner mine, and that kills me. Out of all the people I have loved, envied and lost, he has made me cry more than any of them. The past week or so had been rough, quiet, vague. Then out of the blue he talks, blames me for what I’ve done, what can I say, he’s right. He doesn’t feel the same, of course he doesn’t. He gets over things so quickly. He still cares, but not the same way. He left because I was a shitty person and I hate myself for that. He won’t dare say it but […]
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everything
I dont know what my life has come to. I wake up every morning and struggle to find the strength to get up. The emotions just overwhelm me, i used to just be able to push it to the back of my mind but now i can hardly make it through the day without falling apart. I cry myself to sleep every night and I cut too. Its like my whole world is falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it. I seem to be pushing everyone away but i cant help it. Im not living for myself anymore im doing for my […]
So I’m 21 nearly and I had a girlfriend for close to 3 years.
We were perfect for each other, but as we all do we had our fights, some alot bigger then others. However about 2 and a half years in i was going to propose when we were on holiday, things didn’t go quite to plan and I never got around to it, that’s beside the point. She left me on Easter this year and has been sleeping with many others. I guess it hurts because I was her first everything, emotionally and physically, but now I’m stuck with manic depression and suicidal […]
I want to lie to my therapist/ I already did, it’s just that she would worry. I just wish I’d die so i could not have to do any of this. I feel like nothing is inside. I feel like I can’t even die correctly. I feel like ice is just not new me. I feel like there are no words to this game i’m playing I feel like nothing matters and i hate it all. I feel like love is not enough. I feel like everything is wrong and there is no way to fix it.
I hate myself and I feel like a complete loser. I used to think I was somewhat pretty, but now I feel ugly, especially on the inside. I feel disgusting and dirty like I murdered someone. I am taking summer classes because I decided I just had to double major in another useless liberal arts field and it’s hard not to compare myself to people out having adventures and experiencing life. I don’t think it’s that lame to stay in school necessarily but for some reason I feel like I’m horrible for staying at home with my parents with no money or job, crying like a baby every day […]
My younger self would probably find me registering to this site both trivial and selfish. Why am I selfish? Why do my peers and contemporaries deem it selfish to want to end all this? No, they’re selfish for wanting to keep the hollow vessel which has become my very being here and pretending that everything is copacetic. Well it’s not and hasn’t been for so long and for just as long I’ve been pretending everything is okay. I don’t have the will to kill myself but I desperately want out. Everyday is exactly the same. Sure we can try to throw spontaneity in place of […]
I’m starting to have memory issues.
Sometimes, I forget I did simple things like brush my teeth or take a shower. After exams, I sometimes don’t remember anything about what the exam was about, and…
I’m scared. I’m afraid I’ll disappear. Fade out. Because if I forget everything about myself, am I still myself? Or am I just some empty shell, waiting to drop dead? A shadow? Because you know what happens to a shadow when it’s put in bright light, right? It disappears.
I don’t personally believe in God. Simply because if He was really all-loving and all-powerful, would He really leave us with things like misery, […]
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I get so upset over everything these days, when I’m at school I nearly start crying, I’ve been going home from school and haven’t been staying the whole day because I don’t feel like I belong. my best friend has just became my friend now because she’s started hanging out with a new girl and it doesn’t feel right. I just feel so alone and like I have no one.
I thought by coming across a site like this would enable me to actually be able to rant about something, anything, so that my mind would be clear for a moment. But sitting here, typing this out, I’m struggling with how to put into words something which might catch someone’s attention who may be going through something similar. Someone I can relate to. The majority of people on here I suppose will all have similar background stories or specific tragedies which crossover with someone else’s, and so a relationship forms as these crossover people discover each other and help. My issue is; despite knowing the […]
had a guy over. And he turned out to be a cuddler. I am too. Sometimes I just wanna be held. I wanna be the lil cub instead of the lion who protects himself from everything. But as I laid there I realized, I’m too vulnerable for this. I got up with feelings. Feelings that really aren’t for him. But for the idea of him. I loved the idea of him being here. And the whole time I wished he was someone else. And this is why I don’t get too close.
Well, I don’t know what I am doing here. I have officially ruined everyone I am close to’s life. I had a best friend, the only one I’ve ever had, and I ruined it by being an ass. No surprise here. My family is so awesome, and I keep messing it up for them. I can’t stop, either. I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time, and I’ve basically lost all control of myself. I ruined my life a long time ago, but I deserved that. I don’t know how to stop. How does […]
I am lizzy, a 32 years old woman.one month back, I had a good job.i was happy with my life and job.everything was fair and well, until a good looking guy joined my office on a high rank and started liking(?) me for no reason.most of my female colleagues ( married and unmarried)fell for him except me.when they found he was paying attention to me, they become furious and started to misbehave.
Last month i had to resign from my job for their grudge.i lost my job just because of him,inspite of being a prized employee.now i am jobless,tried many places but failed.that divorce awaiting guy now […]
Why do we pick days for suicide? I have been trying to plan mine for a fucking year, maneuvering the date around birthdays or special occasions. But then I realized, it doesn’t matter what day it is. It doesnt matter if we leave a note expressing our apologies to loved ones or telling them how much we love them. It is never going to take the pain away. Suicide is selfish and I’m not going to bullshit myself anymore. It just is. But people make selfish decisions all the time, not revolving around death. I’m choosing this for me. For once in my life, I’m […]
I cut my legs to the point I think I need to go to the doctor. All because I fucked everything up in my life.
My inheritance is not in the form of material possessions.
My inheritance is not written into my parents’ wills. It wasn’t written into their parents’ wills either.
Our family heirlooms take the form of sertraline, once a day, everyday.
Beta-blockers for anxiety.
Checking. Checking everything. Are the doors locked? Yes. I will check them again. And again.
And again.
I didn’t use the oven today, but I will still make sure it is off.
My inheritance is mood swings and fear. Insomnia and disordered eating. Addiction and self-doubt.
And just as I have inherited my brown hair and freckles, I have inherited all of these things too.
My relationship with my mind is tumultuous at best. For most of my life I’ve had depression. Which is fine. It’s the only emotion I know fluently, and it has always been there, like an imaginary friend. Since I knew the nature of the beast I accepted depression as a fact of life, even to the extent I believed everyone was depressed.
I am more creative when I’m depressed. I can pop out decent poetry and short stories with little effort. My cooking and impromptu recipes are always more flavorful. I can draw very well, and music always sounds better.
When I’m not depressed, nothing meets my […]
I live a life of missing others. Whether it is due to death or just the fact that my best friends live 700 miles away, every morning when i wake up I have a long list of those I miss. When I miss someone so much it causes a sort of “pit” in my stomach that makes me not want to be here anymore. It sounds ridiculous- i know. The fact that just missing someone can cause such emotion and thought, but I believe it is more than that. The emotion of missing someone can be overwhelming. I dont just miss people, but also who […]
I lost everything that gave me connection, meaning, comfort and joy. That all happened in a short time frame a year and a half ago. One rug after another after another after another was pulled out from under my feet. There were so many bad turns and they were so astonishing, I can’t count them all. Life is gray. I haven’t had a second of joy for almost two years. People say, Wait it out, who knows what tomorrow will bring? I’m not getting better; it has been a nose dive for all that time. I got into therapy, and it took over a year […]
hi I’m a 27 year old person that has been caring compassionate and loving. I have a wonderful family that I would love to repay for everything they have done for me. Lately my depression has been so heavy it hurts. I met a gir. l I’m absolutely nuts over and my mood and things chased her away. I’m so tired of being alive. My body hurts my mind hurts. 27 years old with no girlfriend behind in my education and with no way out. Surely there is a better place for someone like me. I’ve never hurt anyone, I live my life trying to […]
It’s not like with my personality I can change for the better. I know I won’t. It’s not about needing sympathy here or looking for common grounds with people. It’s just to basically type it out because I rather random faceless strangers from the internet to know than the people I’m “close” to.
It all started last week that I mentioned in an older post. I lost my car due to bogus reasons, and then the next day I got drug tested from my job, in which I have been currently using narcotics. They sent the sample off to the lab due to a line not […]