I just want to die. I feel so tired of everything. I can’t find any reason to live. I feel miserable. I can’t describe how I hate myself.
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everything
This song really shows me how important you mean to me. You trust me with everything and maybe that’s the reason I am pushing you away. I care to much about you to let you be stuck in my screwed up life. I don’t think words describe how thankful I am that you have come into my life. This past weeks been hell, but everyday I looked for you and knew you’d always be there for me. You are the reason I am still here this year. I’ve wanted to end it many times but because of you I didn’t. You broke my walls down […]
you wrote a beautiful story,
Constructed it so perfectly.
You were so well put together,
As if everything came so easily.
Characters so picturesque,
You made a perfect story.
But it was truth and lie,
You wrote a perfect allegory.
You tried running from yourself,
Putting on a different mask to hide.
You put on the mask of a smile,
Behind which you cried.
but with so many choices,
How could I ever find the real you?
You lived the lives you created,
And never left behind a clue.
All alone, you suffered your demons,
All alone, you sat in sorrow.
Never once did you ask for help,
You put up a false bravado.
No one came to your rescue,
Because you never appeared weak.
I would […]
Tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
You never notice how much affection can kill you…litirially, you support her through everything she knows how you feel about her, she understands you and you understand her but yet even in the way you have expressed yourself, your love she doesn’t feel the way you want her to and the love almost seems guilty, you would do anything to get to her heart, betray your friends, lie to her, choose her over everyone else. Even after all the crap you take for her, the […]
To think I used to be such a innocent little girl..when I was in primary school my auntie died and I was really close with her and I completely broke me. I used to get bullied all the time gettin called daddy long legs cuz I was really tall and skinny that lasted the whole of primary school.. When I got into high school everything changed, yeah I found a friendship group quick but I chose the wrong one I got off in the wrong group I used to go out late all the time take drugs and drink a lot get told off by […]
Lately, drugs have been one of my closest friends, and still the best I have to this moment in time. I’m 16 and ever since I was 14 I’ve just wanted to commit, nothing pleases me more then the thought of ending all the pain; from passings in my family to just being lonely. I’m home alone for most of the day outside of school, and I don’t have the grades for a future. School makes me want to hurt myself, the expectations are never met, no praise is ever given. I’m over it all, over everything, I used to be obese then something clicked […]
i never thought the day would come that oomf wouldn’t love me anymore. It’s hard every night knowing that yeah yall go together , but they still do everything that makes you mad. They don’t care anymore to see what’s wrong with you, even if you do tell them they’re not gonna listen. Suicide is the best way to stop the pain, right?
Its odd really, I feel so numb to almost everything half the time and the other half I feel things so deeply I burts out in tears, and I try to cure both with a drink, I don’t understand, I get the numbness and all I want is to feel again and feel the world and once my feeling return I want to shut it off and not feel a thing from all the sadness and pain.
~SN
My husband just wants to hit me. He stays mad at me about everything and somehow it’s all always my fault. I don’t have close friends or family to go to, and women’s shelters only give you 45 days maximum to find a place to live, which isn’t guaranteed, and especially not for someone who hasn’t had a job in a long time because I’ve been busy helping my husband with his failing business and his new job. I have nothing to live for and no hope that I’ll find a job that will make enough that I can take care of myself…If I can […]
If you were supposedly being fooled by everyone around you and only you were the one that was gawked at? What would you do if you felt as though your every thought, feeling, written or spoken statement, action, and the like were all being not just recorded by thouse trying to hurt you but judged as well? How is it that you would deal with the fact that at not quite 40 years old, you feel worn down, exhausted, used up, and spent? If you felt like your entire exsistance was spent on a completely uphill journey at full steam ahead and you were just […]
Throughout my life I’ve frequently imagined myself as various characters, versions of my persona with certain traits accentuated. Bravery. Romance. Intelligence. Strength. You name it, I dreamt it. Well, there’s no need to be anyone else anymore, so here’s the concluding paragraphs to the story of my life;
He finished typing on the laptop and slowly exhaled, he was finally done with this life. And that was okay. To his left the belt was already tied around the bedpost. It scared him to look at it, how something so ordinary was about to unravel his entire world. He pressed play on the song and left the […]
For the past 4-5 years, i’ve smoked an eighth of cannabis a day, every day, of every week. Needless to say, anxiety is something i’ve suffered with from day 1. Going out in public is hell, I generally sweat more than I can handle due to stress, and risk passing out each time I even have to visit the Doc – whom has no idea I’ve ever touched it. I also get extremely, extremely paranoid and self-concious about almost every part of myself, and every choice I make.
The real problem is, I don’t think it ends at anxiety at all, since 1-2 years ago suicide has […]
The post mentioning GGB reminds me of my story.
I spent some time around GGB with the most perfect woman in the world. I’m on another side of the globe. I flied to her place, and she brought me to GGB as one of the tourist spots.
I don’t think we will meet again. I don’t think she would want to see me anymore. But the photo of two of us in front of GGB keeps popping up in my phone.
And I’m here on this site. I just feel, maybe everything is related.
Here I am, don’t rock me like a hurricane, just hear me out. I have been dealing with some of the most difficult shit that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life and I am completely done with all of it. This life and this bullshit seriously arent worth the endless hours of agony and the energy that it takes to continue on.
At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. From one minute to the next it seems as though I am forced to deal with more drama, insanity, and childish crap than a middle school principal.
I […]
I’m soaked back into that mood, that one that seems no matter where you are everything is pointless nothing to gain. Nothing ahead of yourself, nothing planned, nothing going as planned, and surely nothing I want is ahead of me. It’s like clock work of suicidal thoughts, it’s hits tremendously hard at times, then there’s the barable and okay. It’s amazing of how badly I can think myself into this, loneliness has to be one of the biggest things, right behind the uselessness of myself. It all just hurts and I need to get it out someway.
I snapped at my step mom today and I feel like a total ass. It was for something so minor I don’t even know why I did it.
I just feel so guilty all the time for everything. I feel guilty for taking up space for living.
I just don’t deserve it. I’m such a horrible fucked up person. My “friends” who were once my biggest supporters turned against me and started saying these horrible things about me. I believe them. I hate myself so its easier to believe the bad over the good. I can’t take compliments.
I’m sorry this is so long. I hope you’re having […]
My bestfriend, she left me. It was my fault tho. Just like everything. We were so alike it was ridiculous. She liked what I liked. She had been bullied I had been bullied. We connected on so many levels. Every day she came over after school. Everyday we would sit on my roof and listen to the birds sing. We would watch the moon come up count the start and fall asleep. When it was cold we would bring pillows and blankets up to lay on. Whispers and giggles until snores. The first real friend I’ve ever had. She was the only reason, she made me better. She […]
I hate how I overthink everything!! 10 million and one things going in circles at the speed of light in my mind… I wonder where I would be and how many things would be different if I weren’t this fucked up….
Here lately it seems like everything is going wrong. I’m having to fork out hundreds of dollars I don’t have on shit that shouldn’t be breaking. Appliances, computers, car, etc. everybody keeps fucking telling me “God only gives you what you can handle.” Well ya know what? Fuck that shit. I can’t handle being so damn broke I’m now thousands in debt. I can’t handle wondering if I’m gonna have enough left after fucking bills to feed my child. I can’t fucking handle people telling me this shit. I can’t fucking handle people telling me to be grateful. Fuck. I am grateful for the things […]
I’ve found myself wanting to post something on here at least once a day. I don’t really have anything to add, nothing happened today so I’m just going to put up one paragraph I’ve just written. I’m writing a cumulative note to any and all of my family, comprising of my thoughts leading up to the big sleep. I want them to understand as much as possible.
Enjoy.
“I don’t really know why I’m writing this paragraph, and there is a high probability I’ll delete it once I’ve finished writing it. You see, I’ve taken to just writing, its cathartic for me, but it’s almost like a […]