I always have my mind on this same wish. If only it can be true… My wish? I want to go back in time and tell my self “Don’t fucking do that! DO NOT FUCKING DO THAT! You will fuck up everything and dwell in sadness and regret if you do that!”
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everything
In a world all our own
We ponder unknown things
Far above what was sown
We pull on the strings
Of fantasy and reality
To make ourselves kings
Until something breaks our vanity
A revelation appears
To shake our insanity
For delusion is our fuel
To escape from our fate
And when reality is cruel
We realize we are too late
Our lives were decided
On a long gone date
And for dreams we are chided
By truths awful hate
That my fantasies were the only thing left
And I lied:
About qualities of which I am bereft
And when the illusion died
I realized the theft
I was raped and then a few days later rejected by this guy i liked/loved then put on a bunch of weight and i can’t shake it off.
Typing it out, thinking it out makes me feel so awful. Tons of worse things happen to people. Plus I was depressed/suicidal before this, But I guess it just feels like it solidifies how worthless I’ve felt my entire life.
I went to my personal trainer today. Got weighed and then I just cried. I feel so useless.
If I didn’t have to get my niece and nephew tomorrow I’d take few more vicodin and drink until I fall asleep. […]
soo…hi.. ^^
well i dont know where to start…i became 17 last december…since i was a kid i fucked up everything..
literally everything…school..relatives.. even my parents dont want me with them..im not good at studying..
im just useless..my family wanst a good one either.. parents devorced..had to live with step mom..and it was horrible.. then i went to cyprus
where my mom worked..i wasnt good with my step father either..i just didnt know how to communicate..
slowly i go used to people..language..made friends.. still..i was lonely..even tho i laugh..i feel really empty..my mom was complaining about how low my grades are..
that i stuck to […]
Throughout my life, I’ve been torn down, thrown to the side, laughed at, tortured, and just been made out to be a vulnerable girl. In Elementary school, I was bullied about my weight and appearance. In Middle school, I was cyberbullied and forced to have intimacy at 13. When I got to high school, I lost someone I prayed I wouldn’t lose; my own mother. I watched her become diagnosed with colon cancer and heard it spread to her liver. She hung on until I was almost sixteen. With hospice by her side and my family, I watched her pass away. I still have the […]
Read a children’s book called “The giving tree” and I realized how cynical I am. But honestly am I cynical?? The worst is reality is it not? Of course there are brief moments of selflessness and kindness in the world but those are hard to come by. The book angered me, it made me feel pity because I saw myself as the tree. This tree that gave absolutely everything it had to a person who could careless. Yet even in the end, after everything the tree was still stupidly happy. I’m fucked up in so many ways that sometimes I don’t know if I can […]
It’s days like today when I hate you the most for leaving us all alone…it’s days like today when I hate myself for hating you and everything you’ve done. I can’t change the past, I can’t bring you back, and I have no way to get to you because death is just too far away. She brings your light back into the world but it’s days like today when she’s a screaming crying hurricane that I wish you were here so you could quiet the storm, just hold her one time but you can’t even do that. It’s days like today when I hate you […]
life is killing me. for the last 3 years i’ve held it sort of together but I have no strength anymore- mentally emotionally or even physically.
the man who abused me 3 years ago is the only person who understands how and why im broken- hes the one who did this. i hate with such contempt the only person who ‘gets me’.
The kid I loved like a brother, depended on him to keep preaching how everything will be okay, that one day I can go home where there’s no sadness, well he gave up, said he cant help me anymore.
my mum said i’m making […]
THIS IS A LONG READ, I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DONT GET THROUGH IT. BUT YOU WILL NOT REGRET READING IT IF YOU DO.
Hey. So like I guess I wanna past this as a suicide survivor. And say that life. Life has always been shit. And who am I to tell anyone to, or not to do anything, like, I myself have done almost everything that you could think of that someone who was not within it would not understand, drugs, self harm, I’m diegnosed Ana, smoking, drinking, and you know what every day of my life I still tell others not to do any of […]
I feel so fucking ashamed that for a second foolish time I could believe it was actually worth something to someone!!! I knew from day fucking 1 when you said how you felt that it was a lie, but me being the stupid fucking ***** I am trusted and believed you.. You and all these other people are nothing but lies. That’s all everything ever is!! LIES!! I know I’m worth nothing, I knew I was never worth your time or anyone else’s.. I wish that you’d just admit it. Just once, admit that I am worthless and that I never meant a damn thing […]
I’m generally not one to post about my feelings and life goings-on here, but … I don’t know. I just feel the need, for whatever reason.
I’ve been feeling so … “blah,” lately. I wouldn’t call it a serious bout of depression by any means; I guess there are just a lot of things piling up and it has me down.
This is largely due to work. The past couple of months (and few days, honestly) have not been good. My employers seem to be doing everything in their power to piss me off, for whatever reason (one I can’t figure out considering I have been there for […]
I’m on Zoloft. I started when I went to the children’s part of the peninsula hospital. Is there something wrong with me? Is wanting to go back there bad? I was good for maybe a week after I left and now ever since then I’ve just wanted to go back. What else can I do. Life sucks even though any other person would love my life. Everyone talks about how perfect my life is and I’m just ‘acting’ sad and depressed for more attention. Just because my life seems perfect doesn’t mean it is. My life should be perfect. I have everything I need but […]
15 16 in march I’ve been depressed cutting suicidal I cut on the 11th thinking of doing it again mean family my dad hit me with a belt because I drank some of his wine because I was depressed I am lonely for the most part 2/3 good friends but not always there. I was planning on killing myself in october on a cruise I don t know how to swim 6 months away. I stopped taking my depression meds they don t work and made me gain 40IB my dad still wants me to take it I have counseling twice a month I was […]
I’ve always wondered what would happen after I died. I think no one will miss me. I think that I am so broken and damaged I just cause other people pain. I can’t forget everything that has happened to me and move forward so easily. I just become a burden to others because of how weak I am. I used to be able to hide everything but I am just so tired I can’t bring myself to pretend everything is okay anymore. I am tired of talking to people and trying to fix myself. Sometimes I find myself hoping that I will get stronger, get […]
I’m 25 years old in a couple of weeks, and I have absolutely nothing to show for my life. I have no job, no experience, no skills. I’m still a a virgin, have never been kissed properly, never had someone who loves me. I don’t even have anyone who even cares about me all that much. No parents because they died when I was a child, no other family because they emotionally abused me all throughout my life and then disowned me. Only four friends. Two of which don’t even bother to talk to me unless I remind them I still exist. I feel invisible. […]
We are all doomed to die sooner rather than later, why not just end it now? Seems to save the hassle of spending every day feeling nothing but loathing yourself. Saves the daily heartbreak of knowing no one could ever love you. With the pull of a trigger or a step off a building it could all end. Yet for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m that much of a coward. And its not the pain that scares me, its surviving. What could be worse than surviving such a traumatic event? The possibility of actually being able to see your family […]
Well I just got dumped this past saturday after 2 1/2 years of being together. I guess I should have realized the signs when he stopped answering my messages of fb for two weeks…. The worse part he didn’t even give me an actual reason on why…. Just a bunch of shitty excuses and fake lies like oh It would be better if we were best friends…. NO ALL YOU DID WAS FRICKEN STABBED ME IN THE FUCKIN BACK AND LEFT THE KNIFE IN IT!
I’ve been pretty much in a pretty bad funk/depression all week going by so slow feeling like I’m in a time […]
So I don’t know if anyone would remember my previous post, but it was about something that happened between me and a guy twice my age while I was drunk. I’ve let that consume me in a way. I’m scared that I don’t remember everything that happened. And I kow he wouldn’t have had sex with me but I don’t know if I remember everything. And I know my school thinks more happened without know what happened. This whole situation sucks. It makes me feel like such a whore and I don’t know what to do. It’s been over a year since I happened and […]
the song you were thinkin of by bob dylan is Highway 61 revisted, i know how songs can linger in my head and bug the fuck otta me untill i figure it out; if you’re the same way, i hope this helps:
Soundtrack (The Bootleg Series Vol. 7). It was written by Bob Dylan.
Oh, God said to Abraham, “Kill me a son”
Abe says, “Man you must be puttin’ me on”
God says, “No”, Abe say “What?”
God say “You can do what you want Abe but
The next time you see me comin’ you better run”
Well Abe said, “Where do you want this […]
I’ve come a long way since I was younger. The last years of my life have been filled with travel, education, and growth. Even though it was good, I still felt like I didn’t want to stick around. I stomached it and tried to make myself happy anyway, because there were times where I was honest to god glad to be alive.
It would suck if I never stopped feeling like this though. Objectively speaking, I’m at the top of the world. I have everything that I could want and I try to dedicate time out of everyday to be grateful for it, but sometimes I […]